I was a coward and lost

olazabal

I posted here before about this situation.

Basically I am 31 and am/was close friends with this girl who I used to work with. Meeting up regularly, her phoning me daily, having a laugh. She is very outgoing, and never has a problem meeting fellas, whereas I am quite shy until you get to know me, and have not had much luck with girls basically because of this.

Anyway I fell for her badly. To put it midly for several months she dominated my thoughts, and I battled with myself as to whether I should ask her out and risk out friendship.

So I decided to bite the bullet 2/3 months ago and one night we were out for dinner, but I got the feeling that she had met somebody else so didn't say anything. She would often thought about how she would love to meet somebody, start a family etc. and as a friend I didn't think it would have been fair to muddy the water.

And she told me a week or two later that she had started seeing this fella. I basically said good for her, and even better for him to her which she seemed to appreciate.

Since then I suppose naturally our friendship has been on the back burner. I feel bad in that when we do talk I never really mention him and skirt around the issue, and she certainly doesn't contact me as much as she would used to - say she would have given me a call at work, or an e-mail in the morning just to say good morning!

It has me thinking about how much I blew it - really it would seem that there were signs and opportunities open to me and I sat on it for months doing nothing and now I have lost. Given her personality and desire to meet somebody I have a nagging felling that she is gone for good. Her new fella is 40ish, she is 30 and I wouldn't be suprised if things were to move very quickly.

I'm trying to move on, and indeed have consciously tried to lessen contact with her so as to protect myself. Perhaps she is hurt that I have pulled myself away to that extent, or even puzzled by my behaviour. If only I had a second chance I would grab it. The difficulty for me is given my shyness it is only when I become comfortable with a girl from a friendship point of view that I would make any kind of move. I am lonely, would love to meet somebody, I'm relatively good looking, and have a very good job, and the fact that I may have lost the chance with the girl of my dreams saddens me deeply.

Does anybody have any experience, or advice of what I should do?

Thanks for listening!

Taltos

Not sure you will want to hear this and doubtless others will disagree.

But... I really believe for your own peace of mind later you should tell her how you feel. Phrase it so that she is under no impression that you are looking for anything in return. Just tell her that you enjoy your friendship and regret never having the confidence to try to progress to a relationship, but that ultimately you are really happy that she is happy and that you still can be friends.

It will be awkward - you will be embarrased.
BUT - in a few years you will feel so much better for having told her. I had this chance once years ago and blew it - still regret never telling that girl how I felt.

Also - depending on her - she might take this as the compliment it is meant to be. Just be honest and clear for both your sakes.

It might even help you move on and this one act of being honest with a girl you care for might make it easier next time

helimachoptor

I would echo what Taltos said, was in a similar position man chances are sh doesnt have any real feelings for this guy at this point. Just tell her!

Taltos

helimachoptor wrote: »

I would echo what Taltos said, was in a similar position man chances are sh doesnt have any real feelings for this guy at this point. Just tell her!

Remember - no expectations. This might be the case - but do not build your hopes - just do not get stuck with the baggage of regrets some other of us have. As soon as they invent that time travel m/c this is the one thing I would use it for.

If you get asked "this is too late what do you want me to do???"
Simply reply
"Nothing, just felt that I had to be honest with you as I value our friendship so much"

LegacyUser

Sadly OP you should have taken the chance. I can't say whether you would have won or lost but you shouldn't try to find out now.

I would suggest just moving on and look to meet somebody else. Not easy, but no point growing old waiting and wondering.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

this is a joke (I think) but has alot of elements of truth in it.

http://www.fanpop.com/external/10328

You were a classic case of being on the wrong (friend) ladder. That's where you tend to stay unless you make a move - the problem is you've got to be prepared that you might lose any relationship at all. Or sticking with the linked theme, if you try and jump ladders she might kick you off.

This girl may come back on the market in the future, or you may find another girl who like even better. If/when that happens, make sure you're on the right ladder this time!

BTW, completely disagree with Taltos, telling her now when she's just started seeing someone would be selfish IMO.

Taltos

Don't want to build your hopes - but I did exactly what I suggested yrs ago.
She promptly dumped her bf.
I asked her out the next day.

As I said - this was yrs ago and does not mean it will happen for you...
By the way - that relationship only lasted a few weeks But they were a great few weeks with great memories.

Still wish I had told that other girl though -

olazabal

Cheers for the comments.

I tell you its beautiful weekends like this that would make any single person lonely. I know who I'd like to be spending my Bank Holiday with.

Anyhow I agree that it would be selfish to say something now to this girl. She shouldn't be embarassed simply because I made a mess of things.

Its moving on that I need to do, but how!!...

She is somebody that I cannot avoid.

Acoustic

tell her

what have u got to lose ???

maybe she felt u werent interested ?? but if u say something now it may not be too late