My girlfriend kissed another guy

james197

Hi all, I could do with some advice on this.

I had posted this earlier but wanted to give more info on it.

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months, she’s 22 and I’m 24. We seemed to have been getting on ok, in a good honest relationship, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of her best mates, a gay guy who’s been with girls before so I would say he is bi-sexual, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked and thought I must be imagining things and that it was probably a harmless peck.

I let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and says friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend the night we were out.

She was saying how she was hoping I was not annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing and was just part of the night.

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc., they would not go off having tonsil tennis.

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt we could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.
We met and talked for a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.
Though I’ve tried to continue on, I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something.. She has admitted that they have kissed each other before he turned gay. His boyfriend was there on the night.

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..
At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.
On our relationship: I had met her parents at her place and all.

On what happened: She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

She says she's sorry by it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saying: look we need to talk properly about it.
She's says then though she'd prefer not to talk about it meant nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it was for me.
Can I really trust this girl?
Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

cafecolour

Hard one. First off, I'm a gay guy who has shifted drunkenly with female friends entirely for the craic a number of times - it never turned me on in the least (and they knew there was nothing in it). If he says hes gay, and he was only with women before he came out, I'd say he's gay, not bi.

I'm saying this to say, from in her drunken stupor, she likely just thought of it as harmless silliness - the same as her drunkenly kissing another girl even. If that's the case, I'd say not to worry about it.

OTOH, you mentioned that they kissed before when he was still closeted. Do you know how 'serious' they were - if they dated or such, then it would more like her running into an ex. In which case, that'd be a bit more worrying.

Last question - did she know you saw her? If she told you this entirely of her own volition, I'd be more inclined to trust her if it didn't just seem like she was trying to cover he tracks.

f00tball

Look at it this way. How would she react if you kissed you gay male friend?

af_thefragile

Well, my rule is, if she's really sorry about it and says she won't do it again, give her a second chance and don't bring it up again, forget about what happened, leave it behind and live your life happily.

If she still does it again, inspite of you giving her the second change, she can't be truly trusted and dump her.

Though if she slept with someone then i doubt i'll give her any second chance, but thats not your case.

So basically talk to her and see if she's really sorry about it and assures you she won't do it again.

mega man

i'd say give that bi guy a good hiding

LegacyUser

a drunken stupid kiss with a gay friend, and she has apologised again and again! So what's the problem.....male pride? If you forgive will you feel you've given her the 'alpha male' role in the relationship while you become the doormat? Take the night in the context it was in, there was a lot of drink taken, she didn't remember it, when she was reminded of it she apologised time and time again and wants to talk about it and not dismiss it. So forgive her.......I bet that's what you have been told by all her friends!!!! But unfortunately in a loving relationship there's a line between acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour.
The girl appears to have feelings for you but emotionally I think you're having problems forgiving. Your emotions may in fact destroy the relationship, so it's decision time, can you emotionally handle forgiving her without making demands and secondly if you do so can you feel 100% trust again. Without trust you'll just become demented every night she's out without you, with trust you can sleep soundly without worrying who she's with or what time she comes home at, because you'll know she loves you and won't cross the line between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. It really is your call, and look into yourself, would you have been capable of doing something similar with a gay female friend and would you expect to be forgiven. If it's the early stages of the relationship ( as you say a few months) I'd forgive, leave it in the past and get on enjoying a healthy relationship with her. You're both still young and naturally not exactly married to each other yet.
If she does it again...dump her!

james197

cafecolour wrote: »

Hard one. First off, I'm a gay guy who has shifted drunkenly with female friends entirely for the craic a number of times - it never turned me on in the least (and they knew there was nothing in it). If he says hes gay, and he was only with women before he came out, I'd say he's gay, not bi.

I'm saying this to say, from in her drunken stupor, she likely just thought of it as harmless silliness - the same as her drunkenly kissing another girl even. If that's the case, I'd say not to worry about it.

OTOH, you mentioned that they kissed before when he was still closeted. Do you know how 'serious' they were - if they dated or such, then it would more like her running into an ex. In which case, that'd be a bit more worrying.

Last question - did she know you saw her? If she told you this entirely of her own volition, I'd be more inclined to trust her if it didn't just seem like she was trying to cover he tracks.

Good reply, thank you.

They have kissed each other before, supposedly harmless, they have not been in a relationship.

She guessed that I saw her. She texted: met up with my friends, they were talking about the other night. Myself and my mate ( the gay friend / possibly bi ) kissed, ;meant nothbing, was drunked begaviour, was all part of the might , meant nothing, she hoped I was not bothered by it.

LegacyUser

james197 wrote: »

was all part of the might , meant nothing,

Just make sure there won't be anymore 'part of other nights' because while it may seem a ridiculous bit of banter to her, it's not to you.

Plain and simple; while it meant nothing to her, it does mean something to you. That's why it's so disrespectful and on the same level as cheating.

Sure I could kiss a lesbian girl and just tell my girlfriend it meant nothing, but she'd be devastated. Let her earn your respect OP, since it's clear she has none.

james197

Unregistered wrote: »

Just make sure there won't be anymore 'part of other nights' because while it may seem a ridiculous bit of banter to her, it's not to you.

Plain and simple; while it meant nothing to her, it does mean something to you. That's why it's so disrespectful and on the same level as cheating.

Sure I could kiss a lesbian girl and just tell my girlfriend it meant nothing, but she'd be devastated. Let her earn your respect OP, since it's clear she has none.

I know, I can't believe I've given her a second chance but I have.
her and her gay mate, they are good friends. It's always going to be awkward when the group is out.

My gf's reaction really to the whole thing is it was something stupid and she tries to leave discussions at that. We've had some hell of arguments about it and stuff.

james197

Unregistered wrote: »

a drunken stupid kiss with a gay friend, and she has apologised again and again! So what's the problem.....male pride? If you forgive will you feel you've given her the 'alpha male' role in the relationship while you become the doormat? Take the night in the context it was in, there was a lot of drink taken, she didn't remember it, when she was reminded of it she apologised time and time again and wants to talk about it and not dismiss it. So forgive her.......I bet that's what you have been told by all her friends!!!! But unfortunately in a loving relationship there's a line between acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour.
The girl appears to have feelings for you but emotionally I think you're having problems forgiving. Your emotions may in fact destroy the relationship, so it's decision time, can you emotionally handle forgiving her without making demands and secondly if you do so can you feel 100% trust again. Without trust you'll just become demented every night she's out without you, with trust you can sleep soundly without worrying who she's with or what time she comes home at, because you'll know she loves you and won't cross the line between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. It really is your call, and look into yourself, would you have been capable of doing something similar with a gay female friend and would you expect to be forgiven. If it's the early stages of the relationship ( as you say a few months) I'd forgive, leave it in the past and get on enjoying a healthy relationship with her. You're both still young and naturally not exactly married to each other yet.
If she does it again...dump her!

I know yeah, we're not married or anything but still, it's weell out of line.
She has really apologised again and again. I gave her a bad time in that she didn't seem too bothered and was dismissive a bit by the whole thing.

She was saying that she knew it was a big deal for me but she saw it as something stupid and didn't wanted to be making a bigger deal than it was by what had happened.

james197

I met this girl, on a drunken night in a club and got on ok, usual in away if you meet a girl in a club and more..

We got on a bit too well to a degree, very passionately kissing, then she gave me a handjob and all!! Now I wasn't complaining.
It started off she was feeling my stomach, her hand went lower she got a good feel/stroke for about a minute or more!!
I suggested we possibly go back to my place. She said she’d love to but had to go away with her friends. We exchanged numbers and left it at that. Now, I wasn't exactly looking for a ride or anything like that.

The following few days I'm a bit sceptical of meeting the girl again, in terms of if one is looking for a relationship or anything.
We text away for a few days anyways and she sends me a text apologising her drunken behaviour the night we met. I see this as fair enough and agree to meet a second time

The second night, we meet up in the club again, having been different places with our own mates, no handjob or anything like that this time. We talk a bit, wasn't going to embarass her by saying anything about the HJ. We get on ok, talk a bit, the usual and have a good enough night.

Later she declines my offer to go back to my place again, no excuse about going away with friends this time, again I was not looking for anything like what people might think. We go our separate ways then after the club, I ahving walked her to where her mates are etc. Later that night she texts me saying she likes me but does not want me to think I’m easy.

In away that seemed fair enough, I’ve met her since away from drink, getting to know each other ok. She seems lovely enough and wants more than to be more than meeting up.
Now I like the girl, she’s nice enough as I say, but can I possibly take a girl like this seriously?

It’s all well and good her saying she hopes I don’t see her as easy, but after the HJ in the club the first night we met, can I possibly expect a relationship with this girl?
Any advice on this would be appreciated, thanks

james197

james197 wrote: »

Hi all, I could do with some advice on this.

I had posted this earlier but wanted to give more info on it.

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months, she’s 22 and I’m 24. We seemed to have been getting on ok, in a good honest relationship, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of her best mates, a gay guy who’s been with girls before so I would say he is bi-sexual, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked and thought I must be imagining things and that it was probably a harmless peck.

I let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and says friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend the night we were out.

She was saying how she was hoping I was not annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing and was just part of the night.

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc., they would not go off having tonsil tennis.

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt we could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.
We met and talked for a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.
Though I’ve tried to continue on, I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something.. She has admitted that they have kissed each other before he turned gay. His boyfriend was there on the night.

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..
At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.
On our relationship: I had met her parents at her place and all.

On what happened: She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

She says she's sorry by it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saying: look we need to talk properly about it.
She's says then though she'd prefer not to talk about it meant nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it was for me.
Can I really trust this girl?
Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

Ok, sorry for my vagueness on this.

She met mates of hers a few days later and they were flicking through pictures of the night. One or two of the pictures were of her kiss with your man.

She’s says that was the first time she remembered what had happened on the night. She hoped I had not been annoyed over it if I had seen it. Says it was drunken behaviour, they were a bit mischievous, was part of the night and meant nothing.
None of her mates were concerned by it, they’d kinda laughed it off. One mate did ask me sometime on the night, “are you her boyfriend?” or something along those lines.

It started of a peck on the lips and went into a full snog.

Am I being foolish?

Otis Driftwood

She gave you a bit of a rub for a minute or so when she was pissed,hardly prostitute material mate.

You have met up with her a couple of times since,she likes you,you like her,and ye havnt slept together yet.Im really failing to see what the problem is here.

So she got a bit carried away the first night.The poor girl is obviously mortified about it.

You are reading faaar too much into it.

Silverfish

Can you clarify why this is a problem, based on your other thread in this forum?

She's hardly still your girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I agree with nedtheshed, the first night she was probably very drunk and got a bit carried away. The fact that it didn't happen again etc means she's probably not normally like that. You should meet in a non-club situation. Go out for a few quiet drinks, cinema or something and see what she's like.

Toots

I can't see why a relationship wouldn't be possible. Next time you meet up with her, don't ask her back to your place. I know you don't mean it as asking for sex, but considering the whole hand job bit, it might seem to her that you're only asking her out cos you think she's a sure thing. Just have a couple of regular dates; dinner, cinema, pub etc and see how things go from there.

Abi

james197 wrote: »

Now I like the girl, she’s nice enough as I say, but can I possibly take a girl like this seriously?

It certainly seems that she wants you to take her seriously. She has abstained ever since. The first night at the club was a drunken mistake on her part, she obviously felt very physically attracted to you, but as we all know drink 'oils the wheels' as it were..

You should make up your mind exactly what you want from her, do you want nothing more than a fling or do you think you'd like a relationship with her. If it is just a fling you are after, leave well enough alone. Shes decided she likes you enough to wait and get it right this time. Don't see her as having loose morals based on that first night alone. She cannot do any more than apologise.

Merch

Dont you have another post going suggeting you're already in a relationship?

AARRRGH

james197 wrote: »

can I possibly take a girl like this seriously?

The fact that you're asking that would make me ask: can she possibly take a guy like you seriously?

There is nothing wrong with being aroused or performing a consensual sex act. Just because she gave you a hand job doesn't mean she's some dirty slut.

TBH it sounds like have a slightly traditional opinion of women/sex. If you don't think you are going to be able to respect her, or you think this is going to become a problem down the road when she admits you're not the first person she's been sexual with on the first night, maybe you should give this one a miss.

dirtydress

Of course a relationship is possible, this is how the majority of young people meet these days. You obviously both like each other. She seems embarrassed about what happened the first night and you equally seem to be judging her for it so im not surprised shes holding back. Are you sure you dont expect her to be a certain way??

I suggest treating this girl properly, take her to dinner or go for coffee some day. Stop meeting up at clubs and then asking her back to yours because it makes it seem like you're only after one thing and you do think shes easy. If you're serious then put in the effort and she will start to feel more respected.

Zaph

Merch wrote: »

Dont you have another post going suggeting you're already in a relationship?

Merch, if you have an issue with any post in this forum please use the report post button. Thanks.

BlackandGold

Silverfish wrote: »

Can you clarify why this is a problem, based on your other thread in this forum?

She's hardly still your girlfriend?

Exactly what I was thinking..............an alter ego perhaps! Or some v messed up dude!

Acoustic

if she gave u a hj after a few drinks

whos to say when she's out with friends and drunk she wouldnt do same with some other bloke

first impressions mean alot and they stick

my answer : i wouldnt take it serious , shows no class or self respect to do that to a stranger on first night , drink or no drink theres limits

Thornography

Nearly everyone with a girlfriend these days has gay friends. Its pretty much the norm in non rural areas of the world. And it is VERY common that both parties have fun when they are out, As a previous poster said, Just for the craic.

But it is NOT common to have this done when you are with the woman in question. How can it be part of the night? Nothing warrants your girlfriend to kiss another man or woman in the way she did.

I used to kiss lesbian friends of mine and straight women friends of mine the WHOLE time on nights out for the craic (im a straight dude btw). But once I got into a relationship that ended there and then. And thats where it should end. My friends respected that and moved onto the next (single)person to share the craic with.

In regard what you should do now about the relation ship it is up to you, But you have every right to be annoyed and upset about the situation.

Not to scare you or anything , But the gay friend had a boyfriend there on the night right? That would put me off personally from kissing the girl again.

Nothing against homosexuals, But in my relationship, I only want to taste me and the woman I am with, not the womans gay best friends boyfriend if you know what I mean.

chickenhawk

I haven't read all the replys in this thread but i did in the other one.

I can't add anything to what you have been told already but if you are still having arguments with her then you need to make a decision and stick with it. You'll just end up pushing her away if you keep fighting and end up hating each other. So either dump her or forgive her but it's time to make a decision.

AARRRGH

Acoustic wrote: »

if she gave u a hj after a few drinks

whos to say when she's out with friends and drunk she wouldnt do same with some other bloke

How are you coming to the conclusion that she's the cheating type?!

Toots

Acoustic wrote: »

if she gave u a hj after a few drinks

whos to say when she's out with friends and drunk she wouldnt do same with some other bloke

first impressions mean alot and they stick

my answer : i wouldnt take it serious , shows no class or self respect to do that to a stranger on first night , drink or no drink theres limits

Double standards much???? I think you're forgetting that the OP let her give him a HJ! If you're going to take that point of view, then surely the OP would be equally lacking in class or self respect for allowing her to do this?

Nevyn

If you want to date her then ask her out on a proper date and talk to her about possibly perusing a relationship with her.

Or are you just trying to bed her and think you are in with a chance because of what happened during your first encounter?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with 'toots', she's probably tormented by the fact that she likes a guy who was willing to accept a handjob in a club and can he be trusted not to accept one from a stranger again.

BlackandGold

Being honest, it's happened me before. Too much drink, horniness getting the better of me.........I'd feel mortified the next day though, and vow not to get into such positions [pardon the pun] again. The fact you seem to have already made your mind up about her suggests maybe you shouldn't pursue her. Would this incident come back to haunt her in the future or could you just put it down to some drunken mistake?

To be fair, she didn't throw herself at you, so the standoffishness [is that a word?] you're having about her could easily be said about you also.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander...........

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'm not the person you put the question to but will answer anyway.
If a guy tried to.. ahem rub me I would think he was only after sex. ie he has no respect for me, no respect for himself.
I just don't see your point.

b3t4

Do not date this girl. For her sake.

Also, if you do not wish to recieve a hand job then a simple "no, thank you" would of surfficed.

If you're thinking sure I'd a few drinks, it was nice, why on earth would I say no. hmmmmm At the time she was probably thinking the bloody same thing.

james197

Silverfish wrote: »

Can you clarify why this is a problem, based on your other thread in this forum?

She's hardly still your girlfriend?

BlackandGold wrote: »

Exactly what I was thinking..............an alter ego perhaps! Or some v messed up dude!

No alter ego, I'm actually speaking of the same chick tbh.

Let the first night incident pass, was with the girl a few months before the incident with her gay friend.

Was not going to mention anything of the first night but after some decent advice on the kissing incident thought I'd ask on the other as well.

james197

After the second night, I've met here away from drinking and we've gotten on ok.

We actually were getting on ok for a few months til this:

james197 wrote: »

Hi all, I could do with some advice on this.

I had posted this earlier but wanted to give more info on it.

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months, she’s 22 and I’m 24. We seemed to have been getting on ok, in a good honest relationship, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of her best mates, a gay guy who’s been with girls before so I would say he is bi-sexual, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked and thought I must be imagining things and that it was probably a harmless peck.

I let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and says friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend the night we were out.

She was saying how she was hoping I was not annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing and was just part of the night.

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc., they would not go off having tonsil tennis.

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt we could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.
We met and talked for a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.
Though I’ve tried to continue on, I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something.. She has admitted that they have kissed each other before he turned gay. His boyfriend was there on the night.

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..
At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.
On our relationship: I had met her parents at her place and all.

On what happened: She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

She says she's sorry by it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saying: look we need to talk properly about it.
She's says then though she'd prefer not to talk about it meant nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it was for me.
Can I really trust this girl?
Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

I was not expecting a HJ at all, I was shocked when she started doing it. Couldn't believe a girl would do that, hadn't happened me before like that.
I was sceptical of the girl after that.

After he birthday, I am worried of her drunken behaviour and have left her know that.

A few times I thought we have been finished but the relationship has taken on a life of it's own.

Also, I have got to admit, a week after her birthday I met an ex on her birthday and had the chance to give her a full on birthday kiss and went for it.

I came clean to my girlfriend about it and we'd a big argument/discussion on everything that had gone on.

She didn't give me a hard time at all really, though I thought she might. Told her if she hadn't, I wouldn't have. She accepted, seemed to realise, it wsould be hypocritical of he to give me a hard time.

I do have rows with her everyonce in a while over her birthday incident, she doesn't pass much remarks on what I did.

She did admit one night, she wanted to give me a hard time but was worried it she did I would end things.

Not exactly sure wtf that is supposed to mean. I'm generally honest, straight up and don't mess people about. Don't quite see why someone would want to give someone a hard time about something but just say nothing.

james197

b3t4 wrote: »

Do not date this girl. For her sake.

Also, if you do not wish to recieve a hand job then a simple "no, thank you" would of surfficed.

If you're thinking sure I'd a few drinks, it was nice, why on earth would I say no. hmmmmm At the time she was probably thinking the bloody same thing.

I was not looking for anything like it at all. I was shocked she reached down to do it, I had not pushed for it.

I'd have been embarassed for her if any of her friends had seen it.

I brought it up recently and she didn't remember it. She said I probably enjoyed it anyway. I was like she had apogised for drunken behaviour before we met the second time, she was like it was jsut a general comment.:rolleyes:

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

Thats quiet enough of your trolling james197, have a 1 months ban and do not abuse this forum again when it is up.