i am shaking

shezzie

hey all

i am probably gonna to waffle so ill say sorry for it first

i am adopted - started search may2008 and got the non identfying information - the agency contacted my birth mother and it seemed positive but since the first phone call nothing- the agency states she has not answered her phone - bah in a year i think she would be in on one of those times no

anyways bout 2 months ago i applied for my original birth cert online got a phone call and was told something bout due to secrecy act they cant give it to me - so i went into the gro bull horns and actually found it for myself - that and my bm birth cert her sister birth and death cert - bm fathers marriage cert and death cert and one or two bits

i found out on the internet where my aunt and grandfather were buried so after another bit of time and courage to make a call to the graveyard caretaker - he actually knew my aunt and told me how she died etc - i told him bout my grandfather being buried in the same graveyard which he confirmed but i didnt know bout my grandmother and he confirmed she was dead too

i asked him if he knew my aunt sister not telling him my story only that i was doing a family tree and these people where distant relatives - so he told me her marriage name and confirmed the death of her husband (which i knew he died) her address

so i looked up her name and address on the eircom phone book and have her phone number

crikey the temptation is huge but i cant do it i cant force her to wanna know me - i feel so emotional i never thought i would find her now i have - cant stop shaking and crying...

why is this so difficult - why does it have to be so hard to get the information - its so frustrating that i had to get all this - i know both parties have to be protected somewhat but jeepers

this has taken me ages to type - so sorry for the waffle

the caretaker asked if i wanted him to tell her i was looking and enquiring i told him not to as i would not be there for a while (was gonna go and put flowers on the grave) and i wanted it to be a surprise. so he said if i didnt want him to say anything he wouldnt.. so hopefully he wont..

the_syco

It may not have been easy for her t give you up, and thus difficult to contact you, as she may not have the answer.

MaryMagdalene

Hi Shezzie

My opinion tempting as it may be is not to phone.

However after all you have been through perhaps you should write from the heart - I would tho get someone (less emotional) to read over it before sending it just to try to keep things in prospective.

Barndaros are running counceling sessions also - have you gone to any?

MM

shezzie

MaryMagdalene wrote: »

Hi Shezzie

My opinion tempting as it may be is not to phone.

However after all you have been through perhaps you should write from the heart - I would tho get someone (less emotional) to read over it before sending it just to try to keep things in prospective.

Barndaros are running counceling sessions also - have you gone to any?

MM

hey mm no i have never been to barnardos - went to a first meeting for those adopted/adoptive parents/birth parents...last month - it was very good so ill go to the next one though its end june...enough time to get my head together..

no i wont phone i respect the lady and her new life i dont want to hurt her or upset her family by rushing in and scaring her...

a letter would be excellent and agree someone less emotional to read over cause i am an emotional person at best of times and would waffle my heart out to the poor woman

ellade3

Hi Shezzie,
I agree a letter would be best cause if you're anything like me you'll hang up the phone with a list of things you wish you had said.
Hope things work out for you

kathy finn

hi shezzie,
i know its hard to have all that info and not act on it, but i agree with mm a letter from the heart explaining how you feel would be much better.
searching can be a very emotional time, you find birth marraige and death certs for people you never met but are blood related to you and you don,t know why you get so emotional.
when i found out my birthmother was dead i could,nt stop crying, i kept asking myself why i was so upset about someone i never met.
just know what your feeling is normal.....kathy

The_Conductor

Hi Shezzie-

I really feel for you. I don't think that ringing her or knocking on the door is an appropriate course of action. The lack of phone answering aside (and I wouldn't trust the social worker on this)- what I would suggest is getting a simple card- nothing elaborate, and writing a simple message on it- along the lines of:

Dear (use first name),

I believe you last knew me (give location and date of where you were born).
I have been seeking to find you for a very long time and would be very grateful if you could contact me (give a phone number and a postal address). With best wishes, Shezzie

Don't go into any details at all- keep it simple and to the point. Its less threatening from your birthmum's perspective, and you are giving her a chance to sit down and collect her thoughts about contacting you.

I would *not* mention the social worker- and their attempts to contact your mum. Your mum could very well be terrified of social workers- and they very possibly bring back bad memories for her.

It really is a case of the simple approach may be the better way to go on this.....

Best wishes,

Shane

nk12

wow Shane that sounds like the best way to do it!

I would get it hand delivered though by someone else as I would need to be sure it 100% got there! (even really early so as not to be seen etc!)

Best of luck with it all, I am searching for my dad its a very emotional issue my thoughts are with you

take care

kittenkiller

All the best with your search OP.

It was wonderful that you could find out so much yourself.

Let us know how it goes.