Trust eroded?

james197

I've posted a new thread on this being a bit more clearer on some points.
Thanks all for ye're advice.

Hi all, I could do with some advice on this.

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months, she’s 22 and I’m 24. We seemed to have been getting on ok, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of her best mates, a gay guy who’s been with girls before so I would say is bi-sexual, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked and thought I must be imagining thing it was probably a harmless peck.

Let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and say friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend the night we were out.

She was saying how she was hoping I was not annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing and was just part of the night.

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc., they would not go off having tonsil tennis.

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt we could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.
We met and talked for a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.
Though I’ve tried to continue on, I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something.. She has admitted that they have kissed each other before he turned gay. His boyfriend was there on the night.

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..
At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.
On our relationship: I had met her parents at her place and all.

On what happened: She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

She says she's sorry by it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saying: look we need to talk properly about it.
She's says then though she'd prefer not to talk about it meant nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it was for me.
Can I really trust this girl?
Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

Liam Byrne

james197 wrote: »

Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something..

Yup, well out of order and potential red card territory.

james197 wrote: »

Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

There's always room for a second chance (i.e. she may have learned her lesson and be normal from now on) but there's also a chance (cue Wibbs here, methinks) that she'll view you as a walkover if you've given in on this and try it on again.

There's also the chance that you will be looking for her to do it again, in which case you'll probably be overly-jealous and paranoid; and there's feck-all worse than that, regardless of what's there between ye.

Go with your gut; if you think there's something worthwhile there then convince yourself that she's learnt from her mistake; if she has, it will have been "worth it", so to speak.

And if she does it again or if the trust doesn't build, THEN walk away.

Best of luck!

ManOfMystery

This is something I've seen people do before. When it's members of the same sex, or a 'gay friend' or the like, they seem to do things which they would ordinarily not even consider, or things which are a bit risque. In my view, snogging is snogging, and cheating is cheating : she shouldn't have done it.

Virgil°

Truthfully i doubt she really thought she was doing anything wrong at the time.If she truely believed he was gay itd be no different to her than kissing another girl.

Thats not to say she didnt do anything wrong now dont misinterpret me, theres always the argument: "Well if its ok to kiss someone just because you're not of the same orientation , then is it acceptable to have sex with them?".
Ive seen this sort of behaviour before and it reeks of immaturity,like some sort of stupid dare that a 15yr old would buy into.
But being honest id be more inclined to forgive her mate.
Draw a line here and now that you arent gonna tolerate this behaviour and try put it behind you IMO.

aoibhebree

What age are you both??

lgoring21

what age is she?? she seems very immature..

lgoring21

lol wow are brains are linked:D:D

legend365

Virgil° wrote: »

kissing another girl.

Some people think thats cheating..



How on earth! :rolleyes:

coadyj

james197 wrote: »

Hi all, could do with some advice on this.

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months. We seemed to have been getting on ok, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of a best made, a gay guy who’s been with girls before, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked ant thought msut be imagining thing it was probably a harmless peck.

Let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and say friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend.

She was saying how she was hoping I was no annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing.

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc, they would go having tonsil tennis.

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt e could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.
We met talked a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.
I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something..

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..
At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.

Can I really trust this girl?
Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

eh,

Well she only snogged the guy, she didn't shag him, not the end of the world. Plus he is gay, gay guys are like that, they can be a bit full on. If she said it meant nothing, don't worry about it.

It seems to me like she was lashing out at you over the fact that you were being hesitant about the relationship factor. If you weren't going out, and it was a harmless snog with someone she clearly had no feeling for, plus I'm sure there was a little drink involved.

Liam tends to jump the gun a bit in his advice. If you like her, sure it couldn't hurt dating her a few more times.

Virgil°

legend365 wrote: »

Some people think thats cheating..

And others think it isnt. Its not so black and white in this situation.
As i said before though id be more inclined towards setting a boundry on the issue from here on out and trying to forgive her.

Chucky the tree

coadyj wrote: »

eh,

Well she only snogged the guy, she didn't shag him, not the end of the world. Plus he is gay, gay guys are like that, they can be a bit full on. If she said it meant nothing, don't worry about it.

It seems to me like she was lashing out at you over the fact that you were being hesitant about the relationship factor. If you weren't going out, and it was a harmless snog with someone she clearly had no feeling for, plus I'm sure there was a little drink involved.
.

Even more of a reason to end it. Why would anyone want to date someone that pathetic and immature?

LegacyUser

he was gay it was a bit of fun some guys would be excited by watching it .some girls by doing it.if she was you should have took her home and shagged her silly

zero19

I'd kick her ass to the kerb personally...

james197

The gay friend, hasn't always been gay.
They have kissed each other before, she has admitted that, before we got together.

LegacyUser

Look at it this way. If you snogged a girl that was lesbian, would you're girlfriend be okay with it because she was gay. I severly doubt it. Personally i wouldnt put up with it, drunk or not if she respected you that much and knew you were in the same room she wouldnt have done it. no excuse for that carry on

zoey

Unregistered wrote: »

Look at it this way. If you snogged a girl that was lesbian, would you're girlfriend be okay with it because she was gay. I severly doubt it.

Agreed!
Just to clarify, are you now in a steady relationship with her?
If so, if it were me, I would finish it. I know I could never fully trust someone who did that to me once and so it would be unfair on us both to carry on.
Only you know if you can fully forgive her and move on.

Nevyn

Look either you think it is cheating or you dont' and if she is in any doubt about if it is or not then you need to have a clear converstaion wtih are about the rules of your relationship

Gyalist

Thaedydal wrote: »

Look either you think it is cheating or you dont' and if she is in any doubt about if it is or not then you need to have a clear converstaion wtih are about the rules of your relationship

It's not even clear if they are in a "relationship" or just friends.

The reason that she kissed him, then made sure that you knew about it by telling you what her friends said, is to make you jealous. What she is sub-communicating to you is that it's time for you to "piss or get off the pot!"

LegacyUser

TBH, I think most people are overreacting here.

Big deal she was snogged by a gay mate. Some of my gay mates do it to me. It means nothing. And the fact that it happened while you were in the club means that she thought it was nothing as well.

I seriously do not think there was any alterior motive here as others have suggested. She wasn't cheating IMO and wasn't doing it to get a rise out of you.

As the guy is NOW gay (many gay men have heterosexual experiences before coming out - that doesn't mean they would want them now!) so the kiss was NON-SEXUAL.

Just let it go. It was nothing. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
And yes, if you kissed a very good friend who was a lesbian the same would apply.

james197

We are suuposed to be in a relationship, she's 22 I'm 24.
Met her parents at her place and all.

She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

She says she's mortified it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saing look we need to talk properly about it.
She's says then though she'd prefer not to as it meantt nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it is for me.

shellyboo

I think she was out of order kissing the guy since she's no longer single, but I can see why and how it happened.

It's absolutely not unusual for gay guys to snog their female friends, I see it all the time, have done it on occasion - but when you're not single, it's not on. I think she was probably drunk and just didn't think, because it's something that's happened before and it TRULY meant nothing... she obviously regrets it now, she realises she's done something wrong, she's come to you and apolgised...

Personally, I'd accept it and give it another chance. Sounds to me like a genuine mistake, she just didn't engage her brain. She's sorry, so accept that - tell her how much it upset you, get her to agree that it'll never happen again, make it clear that you see it as cheating - and move on.

Wagon

Normally id say to end it but she does seem to be genuinely sorry for it. And yes, gay guys are just seen as the girls to their female mates. If he's been with girls before than he's more than likely confused or maybe he's gay now. I dunno. I can't fathom the mystery of the sexual nature of confused young men

but she did apologise. and she seems genuine. So forgive her and never think of it again. She was in the wrong but live and learn

but if it happens again, get out of there.

Reflector

coadyj wrote: »

eh,
Well she only snogged the guy, she didn't shag him, not the end of the world. Plus he is gay, gay guys are like that, they can be a bit full on. If she said it meant nothing, don't worry about it.

Eh that's a bit of a generalisation. Do you study gays in the wild to make such a statement?

It's her, she was having a drunken snog, it may be a straight mate next time. I personally don't view kissing someone else as a big deal, especially if drink was involved. If you can just move on but do say to her that it made you feel a bit weird and not to do it when you are in the bar with her or preferably not at all.

james197

He's gay they say but prob bi.
They have kissed before we got toegther, she has admitted that.
They are still good friends as well, makes it hard to trust them in a way.

I've posted a new thread on this being a bit more clearer on some points.
Thanks all for ye're advice.