Am i the only one saying No?!

queserasera

I am 27 and have been through a difficult break up from a 3 year relationship because I believe I was not in love enough for it to last a lifetime. It was very hard for me to admit this, to him and to myself.

Now, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to be single, as I’m in a new country and there is a very small community of people my own age and that speak the same language....and I wonder am I an idiot?! am I the only one saying "No" when I dont think it will work? is everyone around me more compromising or are they truly so happy in their couples?

I’m trying to focus on my career, but have a constant sense of fear, even nightmares, that I’ve been too ‘honest’ and may now never get the other part of life that I strive for – a family of my own.

What can I do to calm myself down?! Help!

puglover

No you're not the only one, I was in the same situation as you not long ago. I had a few ok relationships but I knew it wasn't enough. I had one bad one where he actually wore me down until I believed I'd never do any better but I finally realised I deserved more & ended it.

So then I was single, for quite some time I might add, I concentrated on my career, like you I also want to have a family so I began to worry that it would never happen. Then at some point I started realising that I needed to live in the here and now. I started enjoying what I had, good friends & family, a good job, life was pretty good in general. I'd completely out the idea of trying to meet someone out of my head (even thought I was having too much fun to want to be bothering with a boyfriend) and lo and behold I met someone.

I have to say I'm quite a cynical person so when I heard people in the past saying that you'd know when you meet "the one" I thought they were sentimental eejits I was so wrong, youd do know. I am now with someone that I feel thankful for everyday, I feel like we are lucky to have found each other.

So it's probably not what you want to hear but there aren't any quick fixes. All I can say is hang tough. You might not meet someone or you might. Be thankful for what you have in the here and now and enjoy your life instead of wasting it worrying about what might, might not happen.

McGinty

Hi Op

Even though you are going through the difficult time of readjusting to single life, I sincerely believe that in the long term you will be glad. Yes a lot of people compromise and live out unhappy and unfufilled marriages, you decided to let go of that, you run the risk of never meeting the right man for you or getting the right circumstances for you but.. and this is important to bear, whilst you are single you are in a position to meet the right man for you, if you marry/live with someone who seems okay or compromise your own wants and desires to be a couple, you will never, ever meet the right person. You have taken a risk but you have been truthful to yourself and to have an authentic life that is the most important thing. For now you will have to struggle through the change, it is a difficult time but stick with it and you will be glad I believe.

Nevyn

Why do you think that a realtionship has to last a life time?
What is wrong with it lasting as along as it last and enjoying the time that you are in each other's lifes?
It could be that some relationships on last one year or a few years but that you grow and learn alot during that time, would you choose not to be in such a relationship as you can't see it lasting for forty years?

puglover

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why do you think that a realtionship has to last a life time?
What is wrong with it lasting as along as it last and enjoying the time that you are in each other's lifes?
It could be that some relationships on last one year or a few years but that you grow and learn alot during that time, would you choose not to be in such a relationship as you can't see it lasting for forty years?

I think you are missing the point, she ended it because she wasn't in love & didn't want to settle.

She wants to have a family & grow old with someone she loves. What is wrong with that?

shellyboo

puglover wrote: »

I think you are missing the point, she ended it because she wasn't in love & didn't want to settle.

She wants to have a family & grow old with someone she loves. What is wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with that... but does that person have to be the next person she dates? I think what Thaed is saying is that it's not the end of the world to take a chance on someone and have it not work out. That it's ok to see someone even if you *know* you're not going to be with them forever.

The attitude the OP has now is just making her eliminate men because they're not 100% perfect... that's why she's single, and her single status is making her unhappy. I think she should give the non-perfect guys a chance - I find you learn a lot about yourself and what you ACTUALLY want that way.

queserasera

cheers for all the replies, ...love the line about "living authentic life"..I'll try to remember that man...

Thaedydal - you were asking why I was going on about a lifetime long relationship...thats a fair enough question, when I read it back, it sounds very...well...demanding! but, it is what myself and the ex had planned for to be honest and I didnt think we'd make it.

And it is what I'd like to eventually have, a lifetime partner...i guess you;re a man, but there is also the physical (biological clock) and social pressure for women over 30 to not waste time, to try and find a decent guy to share a life with while you can still have kids... yes, I know, I'm a bit young yet for this sort of pressure..and its not the main source of my worry - or point of my original post, but just wanted to point this out to you.

thanks for your help all the same, and yes, there is a lot to be said for living for the moment -so I am hearing you in that respect!

shellyboo

queserasera wrote: »

Thaedydal - you were asking why I was going on about a lifetime long relationship...thats a fair enough question, when I read it back, it sounds very...well...demanding!

Yeah, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself there, unnecessary pressure... if every relationship you have HAS to be THE relationship, then obviously they're not going to work out and you're going to end up single and scared.

Finding the one only has to happen once... you can't force it, you can't say who or when it's going to be, there's nothing you can do to speed it up... all you can do is live your life to the full - and I'd say that includes taking the romantic opportunties that come your way, even if they're not 100% perfect, as long as they make you happy.

(Oh, and Thaedydal is a lady )

LegacyUser

hahaha Thaedydal - mistaking your gender, just shows how obsessed i've become, as clearly not EVERY girl thinks about that stuff in such a stressed way! good wake up call. Yep, chilling out and taking as it comes is the way to go on this one. thanks guys.

Nevyn

queserasera wrote: »

Thaedydal - you were asking why I was going on about a lifetime long relationship...thats a fair enough question, when I read it back, it sounds very...well...demanding! but, it is what myself and the ex had planned for to be honest and I didnt think we'd make it.

I can understand your disappointment at not being where you thought you would be with your life, but you did gain something from that relationship you learned about what you will and will not put up with and and you can
give that level of commitment and you didn't settled, no matter how much you want that dream you do have your eyes wide open as to what it will take to make a life with a family work and that is two people who want the same things working together.

All of the above are great things to have figured out and that you have the strength to walk away cos it wasn't right.

queserasera wrote: »

And it is what I'd like to eventually have, a lifetime partner...i guess you;re a man, but there is also the physical (biological clock) and social pressure for women over 30 to not waste time, to try and find a decent guy to share a life with while you can still have kids... yes, I know, I'm a bit young yet for this sort of pressure..and its not the main source of my worry - or point of my original post, but just wanted to point this out to you.

/looks down, checks boobs are still there.

Just don't go putting the cart before the horse, any long term relationship that I know of that has lasted 20 years plus is between people who love each other and it's their love and respect for each other that helped them weather the storms of family life. That took time to grow and in some cases the person they set up home with and had children with turned out to be rather different then the ideal father/husband they had in their head.

queserasera wrote: »

thanks for your help all the same, and yes, there is a lot to be said for living for the moment -so I am hearing you in that respect!

Tbh as my Granny used to day, whats meant for you won't pass you.
Fretting over it won't make it happen or make you any happier, a partner and children should add to your happiness not be your happiness.