Bit of help please?

LegacyUser

Hey all, would like your take on this. Started seeing a girl from Sweden over here. After a month she headed back home for summer. While I had suggested that we keep things going long-distance, she was pretty adamant that it was nice for what it was and that maybe something might happen in September.

All well and good. But I've added her on MSN and we chat a bit. And it seems to me that she's completely changed tact. Last week she told me that she didn't feel pretty compared to a mutual friend we have, and that it was because "I hadn't been paying her enough compliments lately". That was a 'wtf?' moment for me. I realise MSN is a terrible way to communicate, but this is a whole new kind of communication breakdown! I wasn't too happy at that but we got on with it.

I was chatting with her on MSN on Monday afternoon, and she asked if I'd be on later. I said I didn't know - I don't really like planning my MSN hours in advance - but I'd text her. As it happens, I met my brother and ended up having a huge catch-up with him. Didn't think to text her, went to bed, texted her on Tuesday afternoon. She was annoyed that I hadn't texted when I'd said I would. Another 'wtf?' moment. In my opinion, she's coming across as very clingy for someone who agreed to just being 'friends'.

Anyways, I was kinda annoyed that she'd done this twice in one week to me and she was pissed off at me for suggesting she over-reacted. I'd really like an objective take on this, because I can't seem to get anything right!

Kimia

YOu are dead right OP. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but you have to drop everything to pay attention to her as if you were in a relationship?

B*llox to that I'd say. You can either tell her to back off or drop in to the conversation that you've met someone else. That'll give her the hint.

God these girls give us normal ones a bad name!

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

YOu are dead right OP. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but you have to drop everything to pay attention to her as if you were in a relationship?

B*llox to that I'd say. You can either tell her to back off or drop in to the conversation that you've met someone else. That'll give her the hint.

God these girls give us normal ones a bad name!

Thanks. Like I have to be hoenst, I'm not perfect, there are times when I've been a dick to girls. But not ever with this one, and not now.

It's weird, I really don't know what to do, she's pissed off at me and I'm annoyed and confused by her, but neither of us can see things from the other's perspective, you know? When I brought up the fact that this is twice in a week she's over-reacted, she told me I just hold things against her and make her out to be a horrible person (she doesn't even see how the two issues are both manifestations of the one problem - we're not in a relationship, but are we more than just friends? What sort of emotional responsibility is there, blah, blah, etc, etc)

This is a real problem for me. I feel I've been a great friend to this girl, and did fill the 'boyfriend' role when she was here - although of course that label was never used. I cooked her dinner, brought her flowers, and when she was freaking out about her college exams, I stopped studying for MY finals to help her. I just thought I'd done everything right, you know? And I was pissed off about her going back, but that seemed to be the way things were, I accepted it. Now our roles seem reversed, and the more demanding she is of me, the more I'm inclined to back away. This is giving me a pain in my chest.

Wibbs

Kimia wrote: »

YOu are dead right OP. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but you have to drop everything to pay attention to her as if you were in a relationship?

+1. Ultimate friendzone scenario. She gets the attention, emotional stimulation and support and the ego boost, but if I may be so crude, if you're not boning her why are you going to all that trouble? It's not a relationship at that point.

Don't get me wrong if she was an actual mate then cool, but I wouldn't be doing couple type things with her. Put it another way, if we pretend this was a male friend and you replace her with him how would this sound "I cooked him dinner, brought him flowers, and when he was freaking out about his college exams, I stopped studying for MY finals to help him". So? What would any of your male mates think?

If you were physical with her before and that has stopped, well I say stop the rest of the boyfriend stuff. As I've often said before, if a woman wants me as a "boyfriend" and a shoulder to cry on I better be getting access to the rest of her anatomy as part and parcel of that.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

+1. Ultimate friendzone scenario. She gets the attention, emotional stimulation and support and the ego boost, but if I may be so crude, if you're not boning her why are you going to all that trouble? It's not a relationship at that point.

Don't get me wrong if she was an actual mate then cool, but I wouldn't be doing couple type things with her. Put it another way, if we pretend this was a male friend and you replace her with him how would this sound "I cooked him dinner, brought him flowers, and when he was freaking out about his college exams, I stopped studying for MY finals to help him". So? What would any of your male mates think?

If you were physical with her before and that has stopped, well I say stop the rest of the boyfriend stuff. As I've often said before, if a woman wants me as a "boyfriend" and a shoulder to cry on I better be getting access to the rest of her anatomy as part and parcel of that.

Hmmm. Okay. I see what you're saying. But you can see how she reacted to me not texting her; how do you suppose "I'm not boning you, so why would I go to any trouble?" would go down? I mean we were physical...and would be still if she was here...and probably would have been again in September had these problems not arisen.

I'm not dismissing what you've said, but I think it's a little more complex than that. To suggest that, given the geographical divide, maintaining romantic intent is pointless because I wont get my bit...is that a bit too simple? Or am I just being a coward? To be honest, even if we WERE together, and I'd forgotten to text her, I still wouldn't be bowled over by her response...same with the jealousy thing.

Sorry to be so meandering dude.

Wibbs

OK so you had a normal BF/GF relationship before this. Different thing of course and missed that. I just got the impression(wrongly) that it was more a friendzone thing going on. Oops.:o

I think you've hit the nail on the head though with the term "romantic intent". As you say it's not about getting your bit. It is more complex than that, but that romantic intent should be there if that's what you both want. I'm getting the impression she's doing all the backing off. When she left at first and it was her saying "it was nice but it was what it was" and that's cool, I can see where she's going with that if she wasn't sure she would be back or didn't feel that strongly. Enough to keep it going exclusive and long distance.

Now maybe I have it arseways, but it seems more like an ex relationship where the one doing the dumping wants to keep the dumped in play, "just in case", if you know what I mean? She feels the distance and the time apart is too great and too long, but still wants to keep her options open and obviously did enjoy your time together too of course. Bit of a problem for you though if you want more. Even if you're not sure the back and forth may confuse you too.

I think the jealousy bit is to keep you in play. I don't think she's doing it consciously even, but on top of natural the ego boost of you saying "but no you're gorgeous", it could be a lot of that. The msn thing is likely mostly just what it is. She's píssed off you didn't keep her in the loop.

All this does knock you off balance though. You don;t know if you're with her or not. If it was me? I don't like not knowing what's what, so I would ask her straight what she wants to do. If she's confused or not sure then I would just nicely say that "I can't put my life on hold for "not sure". I would like to make something of us and am willing to put in the time and effort to that end, but that requires both of us to make that happen. Until both of us are on the same page, I don't think this is healthy for me, or you. I think until we figure out if we want to move forward together or not, we should dial back the contact". That would be me

AARRRGH

Do you think this girl is making your life better or worse?

AJG

I was once in a long distance relationship with a girl from Sweden.

The only advice I can offer based on my experience is run for the hills.

Sorry to generalise.

TelePaul

AARRRGH wrote: »

Do you think this girl is making your life better or worse?

Can't be bothered going unreg'd. It is I, TelePaul, frequenter of photo forum -amongst others.

To answer the question...probably better when she was here, worse since she's been gone.

shellyboo

She is being a bit of a headwrecker, alright... but I can kind of see where she's coming from.

The whole "it was nice for what it was and that maybe something might happen in September" thing, that was her playing it cool and not wanting to appear over-eager. She knew that you WANTED to be with her so there was no reason for her to push it.

Now, she's taking you at YOUR word that you want to be with her. She's wrong to do that, she should be looking at things based on what you agreed - however, she's not so let's not argue that point.

Basically, she wants to know that you still want her. She's insecure because she's away from you and your affection - this is something that affects women hugely. We need pretty much constant reinforcement and reassurance, annoying and sad though that may be.

The compliments thing and the texting thing, they're just symptoms of this. Basically, she's shot herself in the foot. She said she watned to be just friends, but she wants more. You need to talk to her properly and set out some parameters of what's happening. September's really not that far away at all, it'll be no time until she's back... clear up the misunderstanding now and see what you both really want so that you know where you stand.

TelePaul

Wibbs wrote: »

All this does knock you off balance though. You don;t know if you're with her or not. If it was me? I don't like not knowing what's what, so I would ask her straight what she wants to do. If she's confused or not sure then I would just nicely say that "I can't put my life on hold for "not sure". I would like to make something of us and am willing to put in the time and effort to that end, but that requires both of us to make that happen. Until both of us are on the same page, I don't think this is healthy for me, or you. I think until we figure out if we want to move forward together or not, we should dial back the contact". That would be me

Yeah you seem to have a fairly good take on it - although I think getting pissed off at me for not texting back is more than just a desire to be kept in the loop; it's bordering on the obsessive. Either way, it amounts to poor form on her part, and I don't think I deserve it either from a friend or someone more than a friend.

Like you, I can't tolerate ambiguity. Previously, I asked her for a more concrete definition of exactly what we were to each other, but she came back with "why do we have to give it a label?". When I pressed her, we agreed that we could just be friends and see how things went in September. Which makes her current behaviour even more confusing...

TelePaul

shellyboo wrote: »

Basically, she wants to know that you still want her. She's insecure because she's away from you and your affection - this is something that affects women hugely. We need pretty much constant reinforcement and reassurance, annoying and sad though that may be.

The compliments thing and the texting thing, they're just symptoms of this. Basically, she's shot herself in the foot. She said she watned to be just friends, but she wants more. You need to talk to her properly and set out some parameters of what's happening. September's really not that far away at all, it'll be no time until she's back... clear up the misunderstanding now and see what you both really want so that you know where you stand.

To be honest - and this might sound really harsh - I'm not sure I wanna be with her now. She's displayed some pretty unappealing traits and has tried to pass them off as me being the bad guy. The last relationship I had saw me put up with an awful lot, only to be dumped and told I was basically a crap boyfriend. Really not ready to have this go the same way.

shellyboo

TelePaul wrote: »

To be honest - and this might sound really harsh - I'm not sure I wanna be with her now. She's displayed some pretty unappealing traits and has tried to pass them off as me being the bad guy. The last relationship I had saw me put up with an awful lot, only to be dumped and told I was basically a crap boyfriend. Really not ready to have this go the same way.

So finish it. Go with your gut - because if it feels wrong, it feels wrong. No way of magically fixing that.

If you're not sure, you're doing the right thing by setting her straight and telling her you're not interested.

TelePaul

shellyboo wrote: »

So finish it. Go with your gut - because if it feels wrong, it feels wrong. No way of magically fixing that.

If you're not sure, you're doing the right thing by setting her straight and telling her you're not interested.

Both of those seem hard :mad:

shellyboo

TelePaul wrote: »

Both of those seem hard :mad:

Yeah, it's not easy. But look at it this way - it'll be easier to do it now, when you can say, 'this isn't working with us being apart, I think we should just call it quits'; rather than having to do it in September, when she thinks all is well.

You can't change the kind of person she is to make her the kind of person you want to be with... all you can do is decide what YOU want to do.

TelePaul

Hey guys, just to update. I took your advice and told her these problems seem to be rooted in the ambiguous nature of the relationship. She told me I make her feel like a horrible person (presumably for calling her on the BS she's been coming out with lately). So I told her it obviously wasn't working this way, that I felt I'd been very kind to her and that it was probably a good idea to end whatever it was we had. She didn't seem to bothered either. Guess she was just trying to keep me on-side as a back-up.

I'm not sorry it's over - I don't feel guilty. I just feel kinda sad that you can do so much for people and they can just turn around and treat you like crap.

BumbleB

A lot of swedish and finninsh girls pretty much shag everything around them ,including so called male and female "friends" ,and this is not merely a generalisation. I know a lot of swedish girls and I've seen this many times.

I wouldn't even conside a long distance relationship with a scandinavian girl.

Wibbs

TelePaul wrote: »

Hey guys, just to update. I took your advice and told her these problems seem to be rooted in the ambiguous nature of the relationship. She told me I make her feel like a horrible person (presumably for calling her on the BS she's been coming out with lately). So I told her it obviously wasn't working this way, that I felt I'd been very kind to her and that it was probably a good idea to end whatever it was we had. She didn't seem to bothered either. Guess she was just trying to keep me on-side as a back-up.

Fair play to you. Can't have been that easy regardless.

I'm not sorry it's over - I don't feel guilty. I just feel kinda sad that you can do so much for people and they can just turn around and treat you like crap.

I hear ya. Preachin to the choir, but there are those who won't. There are those out there who aren't self centered. There are those who will appreciate your affection and effeorts So now you're free to find one and this will help you separate the wheat from the chaff.

As for the notion of the swedish etc being free and easy on the nookie score? It's all down to personal experience. Any I've known while having an easygoing attitude to sex(compared to the Irish say), I would have said they were more choosy than not. But then that would be a generalisation too.

togster

BumbleB wrote: »

A lot of swedish and finninsh girls pretty much shag everything around them ,including so called male and female "friends" ,and this is not merely a generalisation. I know a lot of swedish girls and I've seen this many times.

I wouldn't even conside a long distance relationship with a scandinavian girl.

Well many don't so......

OP you did the right thing.