Can they be just friends, I'm Tormented (Long)

joelou

I have been with my dh for the past 13 years since we were 15, we are married just over 4 years with two kids 3 & 1. The stress of the kids have strained our relationship to the end and just over two months ago he moved out as he said he was sick of us always arguing and we both agreed we did not want the kids around that. I personally just thought it was a bad patch. He had been very off with me in about a month previous to split. He was short tempered with me and the kids and cold and sometimes nasty to me for very little reason.
On the evening we split up I had had enough of his nastiness and attitute towards me. I had been asking him on several occasions what was wrong, why was he behaving like he was but he acted all indifferent like it was all in my head. On this particular day I went home on my lunch hour to have it out with him as he would not talk to me over the phone and hung up on me. After asking him for the 50th time what was wrong, he sat down and said that he was very confused. Things had changed between us and he was sick of the constant bickering and I was not the same person he fell in love with and he did not think he loved me anymore.
Well to say I was shocked was an understatement. He floored me and I just felt like he had ripped out my heart. He moved in with a friend and said he was going to look for a place of his own. Weeks passed everytime I seen him I cried he hugged me and apologised and on more than one occasion we ended up in bed together. He said that he just needed space to clear he head and that the split may not be a permanent thing just see how it goes.
Anyway the rumour mill started as it enevitably does. The stories were many but mainly about being with other women and them being pregnant. Any of which I dont believe. He is a terrible flirt and always has been and would do it in front of me but it never really bothered me as I always knew it would go no further.
Sorry if this is all over the place but its very hard to explain. Anyway he works in a pub every weekend and a few days during the week. He and a foreign girl who works in the pub got very close and her name was being dropped into many a conversation, which was starting to bug me. On a particular night we went out for a few drinks and he admitted to fancying the girl but assured me she was no threat and nothing would ever happen, they were just really good friends, but I am really starting to doubt him now.
He admitted on the last bank holiday weekend that he was propositned by a girl who he knows a long time(not the girl he works with) and that it was being offered to him on a plate and he could not do it, he then said that this is how he knew he was still in love with me.....and it turned our view into now we have a chance, give it some more time apart and we will work on the marraige.
Anyway a few times I have managed to get my hands on his phone as he is constantly texting when in my company when out visiting the kids etc. On these times he has several messages from different girls chatting, flirting sympathising on his seperation etc. He also has voice mails from girls nothing concrete just ringing to say hi and how are you etc. He has being going out after work nearly every Saturday night since he has moved out with god knows who and has sometimes told me the girl he works with. He has admitted she bought him a birthday present, he spends time with her outside of work but he tells me these things so surely if there was anything going on why would he tell me???
I have told him it makes me feel uneasy but he always reassures me she is no threat and says when I meet her I will take to her immediately as she is a lovely person. I have said to him on numerous occasions I cannot compete with her, she is younger, fit, bubbly (according to him) and is probably exiting in his eyes.
He told me just over a week ago that he was going to move home as we were getting on better and he wanted to be with me. On Saturday last he asked me did I want to go for a few drinks on Sunday night and I agreed. He was working on Saturday night in the pub and then opening the pub Sunday morning. He rang me on and off during Sunday and I had asked him how was the previous night and was he busy, had he a late night etc. He said he was home about half three, said nothing about going out.
During our drinks on Sunday night he just said real casual like that he was tired, I asked had he gone out on the Saturday night and he said yea he went to a house Party after work but was not drinking. He had to drive over a half hour to get to this party. I could not understand. He said they were just buddies of his but after a few more drinks admitted that they were good friends of the girl who works in the pub with him.
She is at every corner, I am consumed with jealousy, and the not knowing is killing me. He knows I am uneasy about their relationship but still her name is dropped in surrounding every day things. But surely if anything was going on why would he be telling me.
Also on Sunday night I managed to get his phone unknownsed to him. Unfortunatly I was too drunk to remember exactly what it said but from what I can remember it was something like flirty, loving stuff but nothing obvious. I hate confrontation and I would never admit to looking through his phone as he would hit the roof.
Any advice...........

carlybabe1

Yeah, I'd tell him to stay where he is and that you dont want him back.
realistically he's out livin the single life while your at home with the kids and fretting about what hes up to. Grounds for divorce right there IMO.
Then when you throw the whole flirty texts from other girls into the equation I have to ask you, is this the best you think you can do???
Nobody and I mean Nobody tells there significant OH that they fancy someone they work with unless they dont care how it makes them feel.
And just to point out that it may not be down to him that nothing has happened, it may be because she doesnt want anything to happen

FuzzyWool

I think the fact that he's working in a pub and hanging around with younger people has rubbed off on him a bit too much. He keeps mentioning this so called work friend in a way that seems to be a form of punishment. Don't let him treat you this way. You have children together, and they are your number 1 priority. Perhaps he has been feeling neglected, and this is his way of acting out to get your attention. Confront him about this girl again, or even better... confront her.

Oh The Humanity

No smoke without fire in my opinion. Im afraid Ive seen this all before, childhood sweethearts, inevitably one gets curious and is nearly in denial even to themselves when they start experimenting and playing away outside the primary relationship.

He is having his cake and eating it here. This bu11sh1t of needing 'time apart' -sorry but he just wants you and the kids there as a safety net and because he is too 'confused' ie decietful to come clean and say he is horny for some 'strange pu$$y' -sorry to be blunt but thats what it is.

He is hedging his bets trying to keep all the balls in the air. Shouldn't be tolerated at all. He either sh1ts or gets off the pot. Dont believe in all this 'break' business.

The way he is sharing details of the 'friendship' with this other girl is him not being able to help himself eulogising about his new love. Yes, thats what he is doing. Clear as day.

I can't imagine the shock you are going through right now. I know he was your first and from what I get from your post its always just been the two of you, so its all the more shocking to you.

You need to wise up fast though and stop sleeping with him. Whether he has been with your one or not is actually academic. He wants to. And he wants to bad. If he has not its only because she might be himming and hawing. If he gets his chance you and the kids are toast.

That coldness, impatience that he has displayed recently will actually turn to cruelty then. You just batton down the hatches now and start preparing for life without him.

Evil-p

Ah chicks you must be so upset!!! Big hugs for you!!

I don't think now is the right time for him to be moving in with you. It doesn't sound like much has changed other than he has decided to come back. At the very least it would be worth doing some couples conselling before he moves back into the house because it will be hard for the kids if Daddy is back and so is all the fighting!

I think whatever he feels for this girl, a crush or whatever, is not appropriate for a married man with 2 children. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you deserve the love and devotion of your husband and it is not acceptable for him to be acting like an in love 15 year old.

He said you are not the women he fell in love with but it sounds like he's not the man you fell in love with either!

I'm sorry hun but you will be alright no matter how low you feel now!! It just takes time!

ellie1

op,
I find the fact that he left you worrying. You were going through a bad patch and he gets up and leaves.
I find it worrying that he gives you all the details of his friendships with other women so that he can justify these friendships because he is being open with you.
I think this man knows he has you hanging on a string and that you will put up with any kind of behaviour from him.
Sure if you complain, he will leave again and he has the attension of other women to massage his ego.
He is telling you about the other women to cover his tracks in case he is seen by saying there friends or they fancy me.
He wants you to be jealous. He wants to have the threath of him leaving again hanging over your head. He knows you dont like confrontation and by not confronting him you make his life easier.
Seriously, what man or women in a serious relationship would think it okay to have very flirtatous relationships going on with the opposite sex. These women are not friends of his. They are women who fancy him and he is loving it. Thats why he is hanging out with them.

Your sittting at home looking after your kids while he heads to partys after work.

I would suggest you suggest to him that he dont move home , that you dont trust him and that both of you go to see a counsellor.
If he chooses not to, go for yourself.

Beetlebum

You poor thing...your story actually made me cry. I'm sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes it upset me so much.

You sound like an intelligent lovely woman and you don't deserve to be treated liek this. How would he like it if you suddenly started talking about a new guy who started in work. How would he like it if you were going to party's at the weekend while he watched the kids. I know he works weekends but that's not the point. He is living like a single man but he's not ready to actually be a single yet. He loves the comfort and familiarity of you and your home but he's loving teh exciting new temptations presenting themselves.

If this girl in work decided she wanted him (I have a feeling it's her who's calling the shots and saying, no sorry you're married), I think he'd go for it. If he felt that was secure I have no doubt he'd be back telling you how confused he is blah blah blah.

Be strong and confront him sweet heart. Get it all out on teh table. Don't go in all guns blazing, give him a reasonable chance but don't be played for a fool either.

Chin up. No matter what happens you will always be able to handle it, you will be okay
x
Big hugs

joelou

Thanks for all your replies. I am hearing what you are saying and I suppose deep down I know a lot of what you say is true. He is very selfish in all he does. His needs always come before anyone elses. I feel as though I am the one making all the effort. Trust was never ever a problem for me and suddenly now it is and I hate that. When we got together and only up to very recently he was very jealous of me, he hated any male attention to me and over the years it has made me introvert, shy and ultimatly lacking in self confidence. I very rarely go out without him although he tells me to do so but its not worth it as all I would get the next day is who were you talking to, drinking with etc...
He is loving the female attention and I know it, he has me hanging on a string and I know it. There is very little affection shown to me unless it is late at night and he is looking for sex.
I dont want to throw away our marraige if it stands a chance but one thing is for sure and certain if I ever found out he cheated on me in any way that would be it for us. I would not tolerate it. I grew up in a home where my father had affair after affair and my mother turned a blind eye to it and in short we had a miserable childhood and I refuse to live through that in my own marraige and put my kids through it.
I just cant understand why he is telling me these things and at the same time not telling me lots I'm sure. He told me last week he is moving back home and still has not, although he has been working. Even last night he went out to watch the Man U match and stayed in his appt in town so he could have a few pints. When he came home this morning to look after our daughter he said he did not know what time he got home at.
I just hate the not knowing, he tells me he loves me but on one occasion I said to him but you dont love me as much as you used to do you and he agreed.
I suppose deep down I am petrified of life without him, as one poster said being with him is all I have ever known. And truth be told who is gonna want me single mother with two kids with the baby belly to prove it!
Its all well and good for him out enjoying himself with no baggage, the kids are mainly my responsiblity. I work full time drop them to and from creche and have them all weekend as he works in pub. He works two days a week and the weekends in pub and has all other time to himself. I never get time to myself.
Its so much easier for men. I really dont think he has any respect for me anymore. I have to have this out with him and soon as I am completly miserable, paranoid and exhausted from it all. The thing is I am so limited as to what I can say to him. I will never admit to have looked through his phone as this would drive him demented so all I can say to him is what he has told me. I have no right to tell him to stop texting and seeing other women (friends) and he would not let me dictate to him what to do as is only right.
I am due to go out with collegues from work on Sunday night and I know we will be going into the pub where he works. I really want to look as good as I can and flirt in front of him as much as I can and see this female work buddy of his and show her hey ok I might not be as skinny as you but I'm not a bad looking woman either (i have only seen a photo of her she has never seen me) She is thin, long dark hair and pretty from what I could tell. I'm blonde, size 12, busty and only 5ft. This is a childish thing to do I know but my confidence needs it and maybe he needs to see it too?
I think I am going to sit down with him tonight and lay the cards on the table regarding his whole attitute with me and the way he is being with other women.....

EastWallGirl

Hi OP

Your situation is heart breaking, I got upset reading it.

I am no expert, but I think he wants to return only as there some advantage to him. If he did return I think you would have to stipulate giving up the Pub job.

Sunday night drinks sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. How came this is the only pub you can go to? No, ask your colleagues to move it, going to that pub has too much emotional baggage.

Regarding yourself, look after yourself, your second baby is only a year old, all the celebrity stuff about losing the weight is rubbish, only relaistic for people with servants and loads of disposable income. money is tight but I have noticed cosmetics counters are more likely to give away little gifts and see if you can get a free makeover on of the department stores.

Resolving this will be a long term effort whether you stay together or not and to be honest it sounds like it is him that has the emotional work to do, unless he is ready to quit the job, then I would not let him back and I would use that as a litmus test. And sit down and talk to a solicitor. If he has not taken all his financial stuff with him, get it photocopied, you never when and what you will need.