Broken hearted

brenda2 · 26-05-2009 10:38pm #1

Before I start i shall have to apologise for the long post. Being with my bf for over a year have known him all my life we are both in our thirties I have my own place he lives at home with his mother on his own shes is in her 70s as is my parents.

His mother doesnt want to know me but that really doesnt bother me as i have my own family she has only met me once as his gf and doesnt know me.

It feels like everytime we arrange to do something she always has another agenda for him so I get let down. Its either shes not feeling well, is afraid on her own (other family live very near by)or wants him to do something cut grass etc. She is a very stern tough women and he does love and respect her.

It feels that i am on his back moaning all the time and fighting over the situation. He is afraid to say no to her or tell her that he has arranged to see me. Always has to be there for dinner etc as its not worth upsetting her and as he says he lives there.

So recently he went away for a week and rang me every evening telling me how much he loved me and missed me. I thought great hes realised whats going on and will sort something out with her when he gets home. He came home friday afternoon came up to me about 9pm spent the night got up and went home for breakfast with his mam arrived back to me again at 9pm she rang him with a dilema and he had to go then came back and left again sunday morning telling me that he had to bring a family member somewhere. I really thought that we could have spent sun together as I really only seen him for a few hours but I had made a conscious decision not to moan anymore. Rang me sun night to say he was going to pub for a few pints and I said i should have went with you for the drive today he said yea it was lovely and rambled on about it for a bit.

He then rang me on Mon to say he had a crash bringing this family member to their destination I said thought you had done that yesterday thats why you couldnt spend day with me. He said that he didnt tell me beccause it would only turn into a fight about him letting me down again. His excuse was he had to do something for his mother. I was so mad I just made sure he was ok and then said look I dont have anything to do with people who lie. I have been lied to so badly in the past and really hate this. Also if he has lied to me about ths what else has he lied to me about. It was so easy for him to do it I cant believe it and I am still in shock.

I love him so much but I just dont know what to do. I cant go on like this and cant compete with his mother if he wont stand up to her. There is other family members and they too are afraid of her but dont have to live with her so therefore as far as I can see they see her and then can go have their own life. My BF doesnt have his own life. She is always asking him to do things for other family members also so in fact he is looking after his mother and 5 siblings and doesnt have time so spend with me only a few hours here and there.

I havent heard from him and probably wont until I contact him. He wont hear a bad word said about his mam which I never do but only point out whats wrong. Any comments or help would be really appreciated. Should I walk now and forget him or try sort things out but I dont know what else to do.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 11:01pm

eh.....he's 37 and living with his mummy?????? find a guy with independence for one, and secondly, a back bone, get urself one too while ur at it and dump this bloke and set higher standards for urself.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 4:51am

Unregistered wrote: »

eh.....he's 37 and living with his mummy?????? find a guy with independence for one, and secondly, a back bone, get urself one too while ur at it and dump this bloke and set higher standards for urself.

Hopefully that's the most unhelpful advice anybodies going to give in this thread, nice to see we've got that out of the way though so we can kick off and help this girl. I wish the majority of people in PI could bloody realise when someone's deeply in love they don't want to leave the relationship but rather look for ways to fix things. How is he pathetic for living with his mother in his thirties anyway? Maybe he's out of a job and cannot afford rent anymore? Jesus christ, not everyones fortunate enough to be economically stable for their whole lives.

I think I'm familiar with the kind of mother you're talking about. My girlfriends mother dislikes me heavily, goes out of her way to make sure she stops seeing me and points out everything flawed about me - mainly because she's very over protective. But besides that she's always requiring the daughters attention for something or another, and while it can get annoying when we're trying to plan events or when we're in the middle of something I accept that because well that's just what mothers are like, especially with their children.

However I don't think the problem is her in this case, it's him. You've been very patient in this matter and I understand about the lies, nobody likes being lied to and it's certainly offensive for him to lie to you when all you've done is be understanding up until this point where it definitely seems too much to just accept. I do agree though with the poster above me as retarded as his comment seemed to me that this guy needs a bit more independence to get away from his mother. Right now he probably feels so reliant on his mother than he feels almost guilty or forced to accommodate things she may not be able to do competently herself now that she's 70...and of course she might be taking advantage of that fact - not in the sly, manipulative way but subconciously.

I really think you should talk about these things, I'm not sure you can change the way he feels about taking care of his mother so much, but maybe you can ask him if he wants to move in with you and then you'll inevitably see more of each other which could be a great thing. Just don't be rude with him, these things can be sorted out but be sure to tell him how frustrating it is to be in a relationship with a guy who cannot prioritise his girlfriend when she needs him. Sounds like he'll wake up when you have a good talk about it, good luck OP.

Dizzyblonde · 27-05-2009 10:16am

I have to agree with sunflower27. If he's not going to change anything about his situation then you need to move on because it sounds as though this relationship isn't going anywhere.

shellyboo · 28-05-2009 9:58am

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi Brenda2 - I hope you are OK?

Tbh, the car crash thing is pretty sick isnt it. I mean, very extreme. Like you I really find lying difficult to get over. I was thinking about your thread yesterday evening for some reason and the above really stood out to me.

A man that could put you through the worry that he has been injured is not the right man for you - or indeed anyone.

I really hope you find the stregnth to walk away from this as he isnt going to change. His mum calls the shots and always will.... and you are right, if he can lie about a car crash, what else is he hiding?

sf xx

He didn't lie about the crash.... he said he had to give someone a lift on Sunday and that's why he couldn't see his gf - instead he did something for his mother on Sunday, and gave the lift on Monday. When he was giving the lift, he crashed, and the OP found out he'd lied to her about Sunday.

Anyway - OP, I wouldn't be with a guy who acted like that. I couldn't cope with being second fiddle ALL the time. Yes, sometimes you have to compromise and take a back seat where family is involved - but likewise, he has to put you first sometimes and family second.

Basically, it seems like you're doing all the compromising and he's doing nothing. It's not fair on you - I think I'd be leaving.

ManOfMystery · 28-05-2009 10:23am

I wouldn't normally advocate the 'leave him' line and would prefer instead to try and resolve things through various channels.

On this occasion however, I think the threat of leaving may be the only thing that makes your boyfriend sit up and take notice and maybe reconsider his position. The fact that he hasn't actually copped on himself about the whole situation - his mother's reliance, his lack of time with you - is ridiculous.

I think you need to lay your cards on the table. No matter whether he won't hear a bad word about his mother, tell him what the issue is and how it's ridiculous that a man his age is living with his mother and doing so much running about for her - especially when there are other family members nearby. In a way, he may like this protective cushion that he has had all his life but it's time for him to show some independence and backbone - if he doesn't then he will likely end up being a single, lonely old man still caring for his mother.

If he chooses to agree with you, that's a good result for you.

If he choose not to agree with you, then in the long term it will be the best thing for you if you leave him. You're still young but if this man has no intention of distancing himself a little from an overzealous and over-reliant family member, you will be wasting some of your best years on him.

Lemming · 28-05-2009 10:32am

ManOfMystery wrote: »

tell him what the issue is and how it's ridiculous that a man his age is living with his mother and doing so much running about for her

The issue of where he lives isn't an issue. It's social "scoffing" by other people who somehow think they are superior to the target of derision. The real issue is his relationship with his mother and apparent lack of relationship with the OP. Turning around and scoffing at him over his living arrangements are a guaruanteed way of automatically raising defenses.

By all means suggest that they maybe look at moving in together. It's a reasonable suggestion. But slagging him off because he's living at home with the mother is NOT condusive to opening a positive discussion. As said, the reasons can be many - or indeed few - but that particular approach will give negative results. I'd lay money down on it.

OP, it's clear that the two of you have a lot to discuss and others are right in saying that you're the one doing all the compromising, and he is just taking you for granted, letting you play second fiddle, and simply "fitting you in" around his family. The mother knows she wields power over him.

ManOfMystery · 28-05-2009 10:40am

Lemming wrote: »

The issue of where he lives isn't an issue. It's social "scoffing" by other people who somehow think they are superior to the target of derision. The real issue is his relationship with his mother and apparent lack of relationship with the OP. Turning around and scoffing at him over his living arrangements are a guaruanteed way of automatically raising defenses.

I would tend to disagree and say that living at home IS the main issue here. A 37yr old man who has only ever lived at home will have fallen into a comfort zone that most people get out of when they are are in their late teens and early twenties and leave home with a sense of adventure and freedom. At 37 he has no doubt become very settled with the situation, and apparently so has his mother, given her reliance on him. At 37 there is a chance he could still create some independence for himself, but if he leaves it longer into his 40s/50s it will never happen.

Moving out of the home at a 'normal' age would have resolved a lot of issues here. The mother may still some reliance on the son, but certainly not to the degree that she has now. He would also have earned himself a great deal of independence and responsibility and more crucially, may have earned himself more respect from his o/h - which is something that appears to be lacking now.

Lemming · 28-05-2009 10:51am

Ah .. how silly of me. Of course ... "normal" covers everything.

Right.

ManOfMystery · 28-05-2009 11:04am

So do you think a 37yr old man living with his mother will have the same type of independence and freedom as someone who moved out of home at - and by 'normal' I'm referring to what the vast majority of people do, which you probably know anyway - a 'normal' age like 20 years old? A guy in my work is in his 40s and lives with his parents and whilst he's an amiable enough chap, his outlook on life is very narrow compared to the vast majority of people in here who have experienced a lot more.

Each to their own I guess, but living at home with your mother is generally not conductive to a fulfilling long-term relationship with anyone. He's not the first and certainly won't be the last to be in this situation.

Lemming · 28-05-2009 11:23am

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So do you think a 37yr old man living with his mother will have the same type of independence and freedom as someone who moved out of home at

How long is a piece of string? Seriously.

I know all sorts. People who live at home (or have done into their 30s) and are as independent as hell. People who don't live at home and are disaster-zones. People who moved out pre-20, people who moved out close to 40. People who are at beck and call to parents in their 50s and 60s (despite not living at home), and people who are not etc. etc. etc.

None of it makes a blind bit of difference since independence is a state of mind, not where you are physically. You're attaching too much significance to it. This isn't about whether or not the OP's b/f is living at home, it's about his unwillingness to act in a manner that gives her any sort of importance in his life. His living status may - or may not - have a part to play, but as I said it is not a defacto guaruantee to that effect. Basing your assumption on one guy you know in his 40s is ironically narrow vision given your comments about him.

LegacyUser · 31-05-2009 12:48am

Hi Op here. Thanks for all your helpful replies. We have talked about all this sh*t and he reckons that the only reason he had the car accident was that he lied to me because he has never lied to me before. This brought a smile to my face as evil as it may seem.

He has agreed with me he needs to backoff a bit from his family and put me first every now and again. There was a lot of tears on both sides so I am hoping things will get better. I am invited to a bbq with his family tomorrow so am hopin that this is a bit of a break through. I really am in love with this guy and dont want to give up as some people have suggested its all to easy to give up and walk away. I know I have found someone who is special in my life and dont want to give up without a fight noone knows how long we are here for and i intend to make the most of the love i have found. He really is the most considerate guy i have ever met when we are on good terms!!! And i suppose thats why he thinks of his mam and family a lot. Heres hoping things are on the road to improving and a bit thank you again to all those who replied to my problem.
xx

Broken hearted

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