Boyfriend and sex

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend were both virgins before eachother and have been having sex for almost a year now. We both have high sex drives and have sex up to 5 times a day. We also have tried most positions,but he would try anything. He doesn't always accept that I don't want to do something and sometimes forces me to do things by making me feel bad. I don't like the way he is about sex,he's too open and too into it even though both of us are quite sexual people. What do I do? I don't want to supress him either because he'll still want those things even if I say no.

drunkmonkey

Lucky U;)
it must be pretty extreme if you don't want to do it, if it dosen't make your comfortable or turn you on don't do it, he'll just have to accept that...

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend were both virgins before eachother and have been having sex for almost a year now. We both have high sex drives and have sex up to 5 times a day. We also have tried most positions,but he would try anything. He doesn't always accept that I don't want to do something and sometimes forces me to do things by making me feel bad. I don't like the way he is about sex,he's too open and too into it even though both of us are quite sexual people. What do I do? I don't want to supress him either because he'll still want those things even if I say no.

Have you suggested next time he tries to force you, that you tie him down and make use of a vibrator without lube? Seriously, tell him to f* off if you genuinely are unhappy with trying something - there's "ah come on" and there's emotional tripping.
Remember - you'll still NOT want those things even if you say yes and any kind of guy who is perfectly happy to go ahead and make you unhappy while he's puffing away - well you have to question what he really feels for you.
I suppose the best thing to do would be sit down and say "look, I have boundaries, this is them, and I'm unhappy if you try to force it". If he refuses to discuss the subject... well, you know where you stand.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Have you suggested next time he tries to force you, that you tie him down and make use of a vibrator without lube? Seriously, tell him to f* off if you genuinely are unhappy with trying something - there's "ah come on" and there's emotional tripping.
Remember - you'll still NOT want those things even if you say yes and any kind of guy who is perfectly happy to go ahead and make you unhappy while he's puffing away - well you have to question what he really feels for you.
I suppose the best thing to do would be sit down and say "look, I have boundaries, this is them, and I'm unhappy if you try to force it". If he refuses to discuss the subject... well, you know where you stand.

I have no doubt how he feels for me,he loves me and wants me forever,I know that. We have discussed it,unfortunetly he has no boundaries,none! so probably finds it hard to imagine how I do,he accepts that I don't want to do things,but sometimes brings them up again and I can't forget that he wants to do them,even if he knows I won't,I feel like i'm not satisfying him if I don't do everything,you know?

Xiney

OP, anytime your boyfriend forces you to do things you don't want to by blackmailing you emotionally, this is a form of abuse.

Don't let him do that to you.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

We have discussed it,unfortunetly he has no boundaries,none! so probably finds it hard to imagine how I do

The fact is different people have different likes/hates for all sorts of things and if he has trouble realising you have boundaries, he needs to learn this himself and not pressure you to do these things when you've already refused.
You seem to be already giving way into compromising for him - it's time for him to do the same and to stop bringing up the subject. You need to sit him down and tell him that if you have said "look, I'm genuinely unhappy doing x", he needs to accept that, discuss it then and there if needs be, and not bring it up again to try and wear you down. It's not fair on you and it's entirely selfish of him to do so.

Photojoe

If you share a life you share each others bodies, thats hte way I see it. Open up (literally) and your relationship will be the better for it.

prinz

Xiney wrote: »

OP, anytime your boyfriend forces you to do things you don't want to by blackmailing you emotionally, this is a form of abuse.

Don't let him do that to you.

+1 He is being abusive.

Sounds to me he has spent too much time watching porn, and not enough time learning how a relationship works.

Photojoe wrote: »

If you share a life you share each others bodies, thats hte way I see it. Open up (literally) and your relationship will be the better for it.

Marital rape was done away with a long time ago.

Fysh

Unregistered wrote: »

I have no doubt how he feels for me,he loves me and wants me forever,I know that. We have discussed it,unfortunetly he has no boundaries,none! so probably finds it hard to imagine how I do,he accepts that I don't want to do things,but sometimes brings them up again and I can't forget that he wants to do them,even if he knows I won't,I feel like i'm not satisfying him if I don't do everything,you know?

It's not your job to satisfy him. Sex should be about the two of you enjoying something together, not one of you putting up with something they dislike and feel uncomfortable about just so the other can get their jollies. You'll have to deal with this now and draw some line somewhere that you won't let him cross, otherwise it'll keep coming up in more and more ways.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

unfortunetly he has no boundaries,none! so probably finds it hard to imagine how I do,he accepts that I don't want to do things,but sometimes brings them up again and I can't forget that he wants to do them,even if he knows I won't,I feel like i'm not satisfying him if I don't do everything,you know?

Next time he claims that, tell him you want a threesome......with another guy!

That'd normally show up a few male boundaries VERY quickly!

It's all very well being experimental, and there's nothing wrong with "ahh, please, give this a try" on occasions, but it's your body and he should respect you.

Permabear

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Liam Byrne

donegalfella wrote: »

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And it amazes me that they'd be the very ones who'd be VERY disgusted - and shattered - if they found out that their g/f's were "acting".

But what really amuses me is the amount of 20-something girls that also seem to think that porn-style poses and cheap, obvious come-on looks might work....

O'Coonassa

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Lucky U;)
it must be pretty extreme if you don't want to do it, if it dosen't make your comfortable or turn you on don't do it, he'll just have to accept that...

+1

It's wrong that he's using emotional blackmail and making you feel bad, you shouldn't hang around with people like that. He'll either have to accept that or you should tell him go and find somebody else to help with his experiments. When it comes down to either no sex or just regular vanilla sex most boys will settle for the regular supply.

Permabear

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Mimikyu

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kayos

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Next time he claims that, tell him you want a threesome......with another guy!

That'd normally show up a few male boundaries VERY quickly!

Just to really see the boundaries say that the other guy is for him and you only want to watch...

Look what happens between two consenting adults is up to them but in no way should you be doing something that you really dont feel comfortable with.

If he suggested a pineapple be inserted (thinking of little nicky here) it sure as hell does not mean you

a) Need to like it
or
b) Need to give in to him

Everyone has limits some times they will want to push those limits but that is there decission and not someone elses place to push them into doing it.

Dragan

prinz wrote: »

+1 He is being abusive.

Sounds to me he has spent too much time watching porn, and not enough time learning how a relationship works.

Eh, if they are both popping each others cherry then chances are ( and it's pretty obvious here ) that neither of them has had enough time to learn how a sexual relationship works, no?

OP, when it comes to a sexual relationship the most important and freeing aspect of it should be that if there is something you would like to do you can say it to your partner, but it should only be done if you are both comfortable with trying it out.

prinz

Dragan wrote: »

Eh, if they are both popping each others cherry then chances are ( and it's pretty obvious here ) that neither of them has had enough time to learn how a sexual relationship works, no?

I said relationship, not sexual relationship. The very act of coming on here shows he OP has misgivings about what's going on, and I don't blame her. Her OH is putting undue pressure on her to fulfill his fantasies, pushing her boundaries further than she is comfortable with. That is abuse. He needs to learn that he doesn't just get whatever he wants, sexually or otherwise.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

I said relationship, not sexual relationship.

Splitting hairs aint ya?

OP, just tell him you're not doing it. Not now, not ever. Draw a line udner it.

Taltos

OP,

what it comes down to for me is Respect.
I love my o/h - but we also have very different boundaries.
However - part of our love for each other is our respect for the other person.

One of us might like the other to try something - but the other partner always has the power to say NO. So take back your power.
You do not have to explain why you say no, you do not have to continually restate it - just say NO - and next time he raises the question ask him how could he misunderstand a simple NO. Ideally though you should be able to explain why you don't want to do something - but at the end of the day it is your body - and it is your choice to share it with him in whatever manner YOU choose...

It really does come down to respect.
In the best relationships you should both be open to discuss your likes/concerns/decisions - but you should never ever allow yourself to be pressurised into doing something you do not like.

If he really loves you he will understand and accept this, maybe he is not aware at how upsetting you are finding his behaviour.
Sit him down and talk to him about this - it was very clear to us from your initial post that you are upset and that you are more than capable of relaying that information. So just make sure he hears and listens to you. It might take a few chats and a few reminders - maybe even next time you are in bed - but the message will sink in eventually - just be strong.

Think I mentioned it on another thread - agree a safe word - if ever used then the other partner has to stop whatever and respect it

Procasinator

The onus is on you to say no. Even though we could say how immature he is being, and such, it really is up to you to stop this.

By giving in, he probably feels that he can treat you in this way. That's why he gets pushy. He wants something, and he knows if he badgers you enough, he'll get it. Adults aren't entirely different from children.

Many people, particularly girls, fall into traps in their first relationships (or sometimes all relationships) where they worry their partner will leave them if they do not meet all their demands. Well, they might just do so. You have to decide if you want to be with the person then, and if they really do love you.

Everyone has different sexual needs. Some people can be to prudish for some tastes and some can be a bit extreme. And it's fine to have certain needs or wants that you are unwilling to live without (though they may be unrealistic). But then you either need to compromise and find the level where you are both happy, or realise that it is a show stopper and move on.