Three is crowd

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 2:24pm #1

Is it normal that my boyfriend of 2 and a half years is annoyed with me because I asked to live on our own? I moved in 8 months ago with him and his flatmate. This was only a temporary measure until we figure out things but it looks like he's very comfortable with the current situation and doesn't want to make any move now. I didn't like the agreement from the beginning but I understand that we have to give and take, and people need time, but after this time I raised the subject a couple of times and what I got was a big NO in return and reproaches for how much pressure I'm putting on him... I don't want to force him to do anything he does not want, but it's sad to realise he does not want. I'm very upset because I moved countries for him and now I feel very disappointed.
I'd appreciate your opinions. Thanks.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 2:28pm

He's probably getting annoyed because you keep pestering him.

You're not going to be able to force him to do what you want, so you're better off just accepting the current situation and trying to keep a bit of perspective (i.e. it's not actually a big deal).

prinz · 26-05-2009 2:47pm

Perhaps he can't afford it, and feels he would be letting you down.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 2:55pm

If the two of you knew it was a temporary arrangement 8 months ago I don't think it's unreasonable to be looking at moving into your own place now.

If money is the issue then there's not much you can do about it. If you and he can't afford it then there's not much you can do about that.

If you can afford it and he's just happy living with you and his mate then you need to sit down and talk about it. If you're not happy and he is it's not going to get any better for you. What are his long term plans? What are yours? If there not compatible then you'll need to do some thinking yourself.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 3:25pm

Im a very sensible woman and if money was the issue I would not have even mentioned it. I care for him and I don't want to put unnecesary pressure, but I feel that my opinion and my wishes should be taken into consideration too. I moved thosands km to be with him,and I don't understand why he cannot move a couple of meters, or km for me. We are not students or in that age to live with a third person as students.
You are definetly right about the plans in life. That's the other thing he's very vague about...

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:06pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I moved thosands km to be with him,and I don't understand why he cannot move a couple of meters, or km for me.

The fact that you moved thousands of km to be with him is irrelevant.

You should also respect his wants too: he does not want to live alone with you.

Unregistered wrote:

I moved in 8 months ago with him and his flatmate. This was only a temporary measure until we figure out things

Could you clarify what you mean by "figure things out"?

Terodil · 26-05-2009 4:10pm

I can understand you OP, your wish to live somewhere else, just with your bf, is certainly understandable. Why does he not want to move? is it simple laziness? or is there something else behind it? (i.e. fears of too much closeness, whatever)

But I think you also need to realise that to move *out* constitutes a massive escalation. If I were him, I would interpret it as a precursor to a break-up. However, if I were you, I wouldn't drop the topic entirely. Have you tried sitting him down for a proper talk? He really needs to realise that after all your sacrifices, he should be willing to accomodate you a bit as well. Yeah, moves are stressful but then they're also done after a couple of weeks.

Terodil · 26-05-2009 4:14pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

The fact that you moved thousands of km to be with him is irrelevant.

You should also respect his wants too: he does not want to live alone with you.

No it's not irrelevant. A move between countries, let alone thousands of km apart, is not just a move. It means that you give up your old friends, your old customs, a lot of your preferences in order to be together with the one you love. It is the most visible testament to the desire of being together with your partner, and not with a couple of housemates. He should definitely kick himself into the backside and get off that comfy chair.

claiva · 26-05-2009 4:17pm

Hi OP<
Couple of questions for you.
Does your BF hang around with the other flatmate ?
I.e - do they sit and watch sport on the telly together ?
Do they play xbox etc
Do they have as few beers together in the house or indeed at the pub ?

I ask because maybe your BF does not want to give that element up.
This is normal for most blokes.

Maybe you could come to some arrangement where he still goes and hangs out with his buddys a few nights a week or whatever, but lives solely with you.

Sounds like he might be a commitmentphobe though with the future plans thing aswell.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:23pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

The fact that you moved thousands of km to be with him is irrelevant.

Absolutely is relevant. If the boyfriend wasn't committed thats the time to be telling her. That's a huge step. If somebody moved countries to be with you, you're not expecting a short term relationship.

AARRRGH wrote: »

You should also respect his wants too: he does not want to live alone with you.

She should respect his wants but if she wants to move out and he doesn't then a breakup is on the way if neither is willing to compromise. It sounds like (from the first post) that the OP has done her bit of compromising (moving in together with the understanding that the 3 people together was a temporary arrangement).

It sounds like the bf if having second thoughts. A proper talk is needed between the two of them to either figure out how to move on or apart.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:38pm

Terodil wrote: »

No it's not irrelevant. A move between countries, let alone thousands of km apart, is not just a move. It means that you give up your old friends, your old customs, a lot of your preferences in order to be together with the one you love. It is the most visible testament to the desire of being together with your partner, and not with a couple of housemates. He should definitely kick himself into the backside and get off that comfy chair.

Yeah but she did that for herself - he doesn't owe her anything.

I'm sorry things aren't working out the way she hoped, but he's hardly being unreasonable. The problem is she wants something, she's not getting it, so she's getting upset.

I think the OP needs a bit of perspective. Talk of breaking up because they have a flatmate is absurd.

26-05-2009 4:42pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

I'm sorry things aren't working out the way she hoped, but he's hardly being unreasonable. The problem is she wants something, she's not getting it, so she's getting upset.

It's not "she wants something", it's they agreed on something and he's reneging and guilt tripping her for bringing it up.

I think the OP needs a bit of perspective. Talk of breaking up because they have a flatmate is absurd.

Who said anything about breaking up... ?

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:45pm

bluewolf wrote: »

It's not "she wants something", it's they agreed on something and he's reneging and guilt tripping her for bringing it up.

She hasn't said he agreed to it. She said:

This was only a temporary measure until we figure out things

What does figure out things mean?

My interpretation (for the sake of this discussion I'm taking his side) is "figure out if we want to live alone together".

bluewolf wrote: »

Who said anything about breaking up... ?

Terodil and mickoneill30.

Terodil · 26-05-2009 4:46pm

bluewolf wrote: »

It's not "she wants something", it's they agreed on something and he's reneging and guilt tripping her for bringing it up.

Yes, that's true, but she's also made a sacrifice, for him, for herself, it doesn't really matter all that much, it's a sacrifice for the relationship. And that's where both people come in, both need to 'work' for it. Letting one person do all the work is not acceptable (and stupid, depending on the perspective).

bluewolf wrote: »

Who said anything about breaking up... ?

Well, moving out, for me, is akin to breaking up. Would you see it differently?

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:47pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

The problem is she wants something, she's not getting it, so she's getting upset.

Or the problem is he wants something, he's getting it, so who cares what she wants.

It all depends what they said before she moved over. It sounds like the OP was under the impression that it was a temporary arrangement. That's between the OP and her bf. If this is a new requirement then it's hard luck on the OP. If this is what was agreed before she moved over then the bf needs to cop on.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:48pm

mickoneill30 wrote: »

Or the problem is he wants something, he's getting it, so who cares what she wants.

Yes, but he's entitled to live his life the way he wants to live it. He is not forcing her to do anything - she is the one trying to force him to do something.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:50pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

Yes, but he's entitled to live his life the way he wants to live it. He is not forcing her to do anything - she is the one trying to force him to do something.

Oh for Gods sake have you ever been in a relationship? There's give and take and compromise. She's not trying to force him. She's asking a question on Boards.

He's not entitled to live his life the way he wants if he's part of a couple. If he wants to do that without bearing his other half in mind then he's heading for the single life. Same for her.

Unless you get a spectacular partner you're going to have to compromise a hell of a lot in any relationship. If only one person is doing that, it's not a great relationship.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:53pm

mickoneill30 wrote: »

Oh for Gods sake have you ever been in a relationship? There's give and take and compromise. She's not trying to force him. She's asking a question on Boards.

She's not just asking a question on boards. She's describing something that's happening in her real life.

He is happy where he lives.
She wants to change this by getting him to move out and live alone with her.
He does not want this.
She keeps pestering him about it, to the point that he's getting angry with her.

The problem is she wants something that he does not want. Instead of accepting this she wants him to do what she wants.

Note he is not forcing her to do anything.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:54pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

Note he is not forcing her to do anything.

If they agreed to move in together apart from the flatmate and is now changing his mind then he is.

26-05-2009 4:55pm

Terodil wrote: »

Yes, that's true, but she's also made a sacrifice, for him, for herself, it doesn't really matter all that much, it's a sacrifice for the relationship. And that's where both people come in, both need to 'work' for it. Letting one person do all the work is not acceptable (and stupid, depending on the perspective).

Isn't that what I said...?

Well, moving out, for me, is akin to breaking up. Would you see it differently?

Well I said that because it read to me like AArgh was implying she wanted to break up just because there was a flatmate. Which would obv be silly and not what she intended. She didn't even say she wanted to move out on her own that I can see, now that I'm re-reading this, so I'm not sure why we're discussing this...

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 4:55pm

mickoneill30 wrote: »

He's not entitled to live his life the way he wants if he's part of a couple.

WRONG.

That's the #1 reason why so many people are unhappy.

You can live your life the way you want to live it without being a bad person. This is easy to do if you've picked the correct partner - having to restrict how you live your life because of your partner means you're with the wrong person.

He is not being a bad person.

Living alone with your partner is a big step: he is not ready to do it. She should respect that instead of acting like a spoilt child getting upset and constantly putting pressure on him.

HOWEVER... if he always promised they would live alone together, and has now backed away from that idea, she needs to have a big talk with him to figure out what has changed.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:56pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

WRONG.

That's the #1 reason why so many people are unhappy.

I'll agree to disagree. If I just do what I want for the next week and tell my missus to get stuffed I'm pretty sure we'll both end up unhappy.

Who said anything about him being a bad person? Immature maybe and a bit daft. Nobody said bad. What age is this guy and OP anyway? That would help in this conversation.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 4:59pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

Living alone with your partner is a big step: he is not ready to do it. She should respect that instead of acting like a spoilt child getting upset and constantly putting pressure on him.

She said she raised the issue a couple of times (Note: that doesn't equal constantly). He came back about the pressure then. That sounds like he's being the spoilt child.

mickoneill30 · 26-05-2009 5:02pm

AARRRGH wrote: »

HOWEVER... if he always promised they would live alone together, and has now backed away from that idea, she needs to have a big talk with him to figure out what has changed.

Like we've said about 10 times.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 5:04pm

mickoneill30 wrote: »

I'll agree to disagree. If I just do what I want for the next week and tell my missus to get stuffed I'm pretty sure we'll both end up unhappy.

That would obviously be rude and silly.

But if you believe you have to change how you want to live your life because of another person, well then I think you've missed the point of life. Nevermind the fact that you're with the wrong person.

AARRRGH · 26-05-2009 5:04pm

mickoneill30 wrote: »

Like we've said about 10 times.

We don't know if he promised her that though...

Let's wait until she comes back with more information.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 5:24pm

It doesn't seem to me that OP is try to force this guy to do anything. She's just brought the idea up with him after a good amount of time of putting up with the current situation. He can live his life the way he wants but some of his choices are going to have an impact on his partner and if he's serious about continuing with the relationship he should be willing to take the OPs feelings into account.

If OP was under the impression that living together alone was on the cards when she moved and he let her think that or gave her that impression, then I can see why OP is upset that he's now changed his mind.

Unfortunately there's not really much you can do OP, if he doesn't want to live with you you can't make him. Bringing the issue up all the time would only make the situation worse. Have you asked him if he EVER sees himself living with you? Maybe he's just decided he's not ready at the moment as it is a big step. Could you put up with the current situation for a bit longer? If he has decided that he definately never wants to live with you, I wou;ld question whether or not it's worse continuing with the relationship as it sounds like you don't want the same thing.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 11:18pm

Thanks very much for your opinions.

I obviously have a lot to think about. I don't want to take any decition in a rush. I didn't make castles in the air: the deal was pretty clear. He's a good person and I'm not forcing him to do anything (and I've never had) but I need to think what to do now and think of myself too. I brought the subject twice and I think I'm not bringing up a third time..

Three is crowd

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