Defensive Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Anybody got tips on how to deal with a boyfriend who 'doesn't want to talk about it' or when you bring up a subject that he doesn't want to discuss becomes defensive and turns it back on you and even might become unpleasant or say something that hurts you.
Nobody wants to hear bad things but if your OH is doing something that upsets you how do you convey your feelings if they won't listen? How do you explain you are just expressing your feelings and not criticising?

I don't rise to rows anymore and when it gets to the part of turning it back on me I usually say ok - well you get back to your pc/tv/dinner and leave it be for that moment as it is pointless.

So do you have a bf/gf that does not like to take long hard looks at themselves and make efforts to change? People never change by our actions, we can only change ourselves, but communication is vital - so is there anyone out there who has a bf/gf like this and how do you cope (or did you dump them!)

God, that drives me mad. I was with a guy like that for two years. Had his little childish 'silent treatments' that he'd give me, leaving me wondering what I'd done wrong now. Would never express his feelings. Would never, ever look at himself and admit he was anything less than perfect. Any comment, any much deserved criticism, he took as an 'attack', while having no problem having a go at me all the time. It's so childish and arrogant. I ended up dumping him, couldn't deal with it any more. Now I'm with a guy who actually has the maturity to talk like a normal adult, I don't know why I wasted so much time with that guy. It was like talking to a brick wall.

Oh The Humanity

The type of personality that does that is called 'passive aggressive'

They will use avoidance techniques (I dont want to talk about this now) and when you see through this and try to arrange another time for example, they blow up to cause a scene/distraction 'Just LEAVE ME ALONE' getting hysterical/loud/pretending to be distressed etc etc so that you will never ask them again.

They use attack as a form of defence. So they will turn things back on you. This is just avoidance again.

I can't be doing with this type of person at all, if you want to remain with them, you have to accept this kind of carry on.

Its very tedious to be honest. He is making communication impossible on purpose. Often people like this will choose someone they see as a 'soft touch' so that they can throw their wobblers and their partner will not see through it and run around like a headless chicken trying to 'break the code' and somehow communicate with them.

But they dont want to be communicated with. They want you to do everything their way and they dont want to hear your side. They are blocking you out on purpose.

They are more trouble than they're worth in my experience. No fun either.

LegacyUser

Probably true. OP here. It usually needs therapy to get rid of IMO.
I won't join the dance though, even had back turned to me which I will not tolerate.
However this kind of behaviour does not change unless recognised & acknowleged. At least I can recognise it instantly at last and know I do not have to tolerate it.

Sinall

Whilst I don't have experience with an OH who does this I do have experience with a parent that does this! It usually results in name calling and insults (not from me - from my mother!). I stay extremely calm and say something like "I understand that you don't want to talk about this, it's really important to me though. I know you care about me and I would really appreciate it if we could discuss this".

Obviously my mother can't come back and say "No, I don't care about you - go away!". This doesn't always work, but does sometime buy me a few minutes to get my point across. I tend to try to ignore the insults, but its hard. (I was recently informed that I was "smirky" which is a new one!)

I imagine its more difficult with your OH but maybe try something like that and see how you get on. If it continues and you are never able to discuss anything, or able to bring up things that are important to you then you may have to consider whether the relationship has a future. Relationships should be about give and take on both sides.

Kimia

My bf is like that. When we have something to talk about he gets defensive and 'attacks' by trying to get us into a major row. I recognise it now - it used to drive me mad - but now I just say what I have to say to him and then I let him think it over for a while. I disengage and leave him alone and then he thinks about it on his own without any pressure to answer, and he then comes back and we talk it through.

It annoys him too actually - he knows he's defensive so he tries to think about what he says before he says it and we then sit down and have an adult chat.

It can be done, you just have to ignore the defensiveness and just walk away and not listen to it, but before you do you tell him 'We will discuss this further when you've had a think about it'.

It's like they are put on the spot and they react as it they're under huge pressure which of course they are not. It's just a personality quirk.

LegacyUser

my boyf is a nightmare for this. If I have any issue I need to raise with him he just goes stoney faced and says he wishes we could just have no issues and be happy all the time and that lots of couples never row.
We have been together a year and only had about 5 rows, I dont think we do too bad!
But he just cant stand a disagreement, and denies anything is wrong, until after, when he will admit it and sort things but just says he hates confrontation.
The same lad owns his own company and is very strong minded and orders people about all days, but just goes to pieces at anythign personal. I've learned to get around it, but I think all couples need a row now and again

jimmycrackcorm

Unregistered wrote: »

but communication is vital

Communication is not just about talking. It's also about the approach taken, tone , body language, recognizing the pattern of response and adapting to circumstances of changing responses. To give it a sport analogy, it's a bit like moving forward with the ball, getting blocked by a defender who tries to foul you but you pass the ball back before trying another angle. The key is in recognizing the response play and working around it. If you know you are getting a defensive response then turn that to your advantage. Your bf's behaviour only works because it is leading you in a certain direction in your own responses.

Also you need to look at what you are actually arguing about; Are you basically nagging him over stuff? I get into this same defensive mode myself when my OH tries to start on me about stupid little things, and like your bf, it works. On those occasions it just seems like she wants to pick a fight with me out of nowhere. But I do notice that the OH sometimes explains her reasoning to me and pulls back from the confrontational approach and I respond much better then.

Boston

Women often confuse talking with nagging/ranting.

jimmycrackcorm

Boston wrote: »

Women often confuse talking with nagging/ranting.

And there's often a full week of that every month

Silverfish

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter before posting.

If you want to make derogatory generalisations about women, please use the After Hours forum, it is not welcome here.

Thank you.

Boston

Silverfish wrote: »

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter before posting.

If you want to make derogatory generalisations about women, please use the After Hours forum, it is not welcome here.

Thank you.

Is this directed at me?

Silverfish

Not just you.

Boston

I fail to see how it's off topic or unhelpful. It addresses the crux of the issue. The difference in perception between males and females. The poster is complaining that her boyfriend is defensive when she tries to "talk" to him in relation to negative aspects of himself. When your partner is giving out to you it isn't an open conversation about the state of your relationship, its nagging. I'm not saying that's, good, bad or indifferent, just call it what it is.

Note: I'd appreciate it if in future you warning were a little clearer. Wouldn't want another case of a knightly male moderator looking to be a hero on your behalf. kthxbye.

Nevyn

Boston banned for 1 week for off topic posting and questioning a mod decision in thread.

LegacyUser

OP, have exactly same problem with my partner. He explodes at any criticism, refuses to discuss problems it is so frsutrating and makes me despair. (I really think it will be over between us when the kids are old enough - its that bad.) General scenario would be my trying to bring up a discussion about problems we are having, usually because of his behaviour. He gets extremely angry and turns everything back on me so it becomes a rant about my faults, in fact everything is suddenly my fault. Big row then the following day he will have though about it and either ask can we drop the whole thing or will be apologetic. This stuff drains me and I let things go unchecked because of it. Exactly what he wants I guess. My advise OP would be leave this person if he wont make a big effort to change. Before things get more complicated.

LegacyUser

I will leave him if it continues but we had a big talk about it and he did listen.
Say an issue he feels is a problem 'cos ex girlfriends where unhappy (I'm not too bothered but because he is on his guard over it due to past experiences he actually projects this on to me and causes issue over it that I may not have at all) - his attitude is that the 'girlfriend should shut up and put up'... - his busy work/hobby schedule say comes first most of the time.
I told him it is this attitude, not the fact he does ABC which is the problem. If you cannot discuss something and try and understand your partner's point of view what is that saying? If you are immovable on something you are more or less saying to someone I don't give a **** how you feel or think about this issue....

Who wants to have a selfish insensitive boyfriend like that who would rather argue with you and do his own thing because 'I told you all this when we met'? If you love someone as you claim you should at least try and see their side of things. It was great to talk at least but it might not make a difference. We all have to learn to accomodate those we love.
I have a couple of friends who want to see me this weekend so I may just stay put and do that

It's all about letting go of your past pain and not letting it affect the present