Insecure about boyfriend's number

LegacyUser

The other night me and my boyfriend had the 'how many partners' conversation and I have to say I was pretty shocked at his answer. I'm 23 and I've slept with 4 guys and messed around (handjobs, oral) with 2 more, which I thought was pretty typical. He tells me he's slept with 23 girls and messed around with about 10 more (he's 26). I was shocked as I was expecting 10-12 partners, at worst, and he's always presented himself as a guy who isn't a fan of casual sex. Worst thing is, he's either slept with or got head from a good few of his female friends. I feel a bit sick now when I see them and know he was with them, and also insecure about my body and my performance in bed knowing he was with so many other girls. How can I get over this?

LegacyUser

You should never ask each other how many people you have slept with or intimate details of past sex lives. Big no no. If I was asked I wouldn't tell, no way. Number of bfs/gfs ok, that's ok.

How long are you with your boyfriend? Your sex life is not about 'performance' it is about the two of you together and what you did before should never even be discussed IMO.
Why does it make you feel this way? Do you think you will be compared?

I would be concerned about how you feel about your boyfriend, what you want from a relationship. Will he be happy with you. You can sleep with loads of people and it can mean nothing but it is how the two of you feel about each that counts. When you are with someone you love you don't remember other people when you are making love.

CDfm

Oh dear.

This really isn't a healthy issue to get into if you cant deal with the answer.

I cant see why people would ask and get offended.Me -well I just wouldn't even go there.

Otis Driftwood

DONT ASK,DONT TELL

As CDfm said,why on earth would you want to know if you already had a limit in your mind of how many people he should have been with.

Silverfish

Guys, I think telling the OP not to ask is closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

She did ask, she does know.

seanybiker

Have to agree with the others to be honest. If ya didnt want to know why did you ask. Meself and me girlfriend laugh about it. Dont worry about it . Its in the past. He is with you now. If he didnt like you he wouldnt be with ya.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

The other night me and my boyfriend had the 'how many partners' conversation and I have to say I was pretty shocked at his answer. I'm 23 and I've slept with 4 guys and messed around (handjobs, oral) with 2 more, which I thought was pretty typical. He tells me he's slept with 23 girls and messed around with about 10 more (he's 26). I was shocked as I was expecting 10-12 partners, at worst, and he's always presented himself as a guy who isn't a fan of casual sex. Worst thing is, he's either slept with or got head from a good few of his female friends. I feel a bit sick now when I see them and know he was with them, and also insecure about my body and my performance in bed knowing he was with so many other girls. How can I get over this?

I can understand. Ive had that problem myself with my exs, just reverse the genders.

The way i got past it was simply accepting that there was absolutely nothing i could do about it and had to accept it. In relation of your boyfriend, it helped made him the person he is today, which sounds like a very overused and amatuer psycolocist pile of crap, but it's true

Just shove it out of your mind. It won't do any favours thinking about it. Thats the best advice i can give you im afraid

legend365

Just go out there and double his number and you'll forget all about your silly feelings of insecurity and performance

zeslim

So, he's had quite a few more sex partners than you - it sucks, but you can probably deal with it. The fact is that it doesn't change anything. Not a single thing. Do you trust him? If so, then I think this issue will gradually fade for you.

As for performance concerns - I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure that he'll spend all of his time enjoying the sex and not a whit of it running through a mental score sheet.

krudler

Ah that age old question, its something I've always been in two minds about, its one of those things you dont want to know but have to know, and absolutely it can change your opinion of people, nobody wants to hear their partner has slept around a lot, when I was 21 I was seeing a girl who was 19, she was my 2nd partner and I was her 22nd, quite the difference, she said "it was mostly all one night stand, I dont remember half of them" as if that made it better, but truth be told I couldnt see her in the same light knowing she'd go home with random drunk guys like that, the older you get the higher the numbers will be , thats inevitable. but as someone already said dont ask the question if you dont want to handle the answer. Of course its ok to enjoy sex but to me it wouldnt matter if someone had sex a thousand times with one person they were going out with as it would 20 times with random strangers, but thats just me. Numbers matter if you let them, otherwise just concentrate on the relationship itself and not on what happened and you can do a thing about

Bottle_of_Smoke

If he started having sex at 17 that's only 2.5 a year on average.

Not really a casual sex hunter type when you consider it that way.

I'm not a huge fan of casual sex but these things happen, a lot of the time you do it out of drunken horniness and wish you hadn't bothered the next day.

CDfm

Silverfish wrote: »

Guys, I think telling the OP not to ask is closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

She did ask, she does know.

Well -its a case then of drawing a line behind it and dearing with the here and now at its romantic best.

Anyway -guys lie

Mr. Incognito

I feel a bit sick now when I see them and know he was with them, and also insecure about my body and my performance in bed knowing he was with so many other girls. How can I get over this?[/QUOTE]

By realising that no matter what happened in the past you're the person he chose to be with for keeps.

A Number is just that. It means nothing.

Max Power1

I have to say I have had similar issues to this in the past - the not asking is not really an option as its something you have to know really. If the answer is not what you were expecting, the only way one can get round that is to figure that your past helps make you who you are today. If you like that person then why should the small matter of previous sexual experiences discourage you from pursueing that??

The only thing that would bother me was, as was mentioned earlier

Worst thing is, he's either slept with or got head from a good few of his female friends. I feel a bit sick now when I see them and know he was with them, and also insecure about my body

if this was the case i would find that quite difficult to deal with tbh.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I guess it's mostly the female friends thing that gets to me. I know I won't see most of the others so it's in the past, but in this case it's not really the past, is it? If they turn up at every party and I see them all the time.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I guess it's mostly the female friends thing that gets to me. I know I won't see most of the others so it's in the past, but in this case it's not really the past, is it? If they turn up at every party and I see them all the time.

That i can understand too. The quality is that dodgy part, not the quantity.

Well, keep this in mind. They only ever saw each other as a happy shag. some people go for that and other don't. nothing wrong with either. and he 26 in fairness so he's had a fair few years to clock up that number. It's not as much as you might imagine.

But he's going out with you. that's the big difference. He cares about you and has real feelings for you so sex is a lot more meaningful and therefore (in my opinion) much better

and don't worry about performance. Experiment and try new things. There's loads you can do!

Aurora Borealis

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I guess it's mostly the female friends thing that gets to me. I know I won't see most of the others so it's in the past, but in this case it's not really the past, is it? If they turn up at every party and I see them all the time.

If he's with you then they are in the past.