I can't get past this....will it ever get better?

Shelli

It's been almost a year since the split, and I still feel like I'm being swallowed in this big black hole slowly but surely. I can't figure out what I did wrong, sure we had our little rows and different views on some things, nothing seemed like a major dealbreaker though....that is until the day he upped and left, said we were too different......couldn't explain it any further to me. I can't understand this, any plans we had made for the future, we always wanted the same things. Religion and nationality were our two differences, but we never even argued about them. Catholic -v- agnostic, religion never forced upon, or argued about, discussed on a mature level from time to time, but never an angry or heated word spoken on that issue. Irish - English, was always told that if he wanted to move home I'd have no problem moving our little family with him, in fact I would have followed him to the ends of the earth, but he was happy in Ireland, still is, enjoys his job and was never really that close to his own family, in fact he once told me he felt more loved and more security from me and my family than he'd ever felt in his life.

So what did I do? He won't talk to me about it any more, because he still has no answers for me.

I've tried moving on....one night stands leave me feeling empty....the one start to a relationship I've tried left me feeling guilty constantly, guilty like I was cheating on him, guilty for knowing in my heart that this was not the person I wanted to be with and I was leading him on in an effort to make myself feel better.

I wish to god I could move on....I wish I could flee the country myself and start a new life afresh.

BUT

We have a son together, so I have to see him constantly. He's also ignored my requests not to have contact with my family and close friends. I can understand he doesn't really have anyone else over here bar a few work mates, but he doesn't get it that it breaks my heart everything one of them mentions him. My immediate family have as little contact as possible, at my request, they can see how much it hurts me, but I'd be embarressed to ask aunts, uncles and cousins....and as for asking friends, well that's even worse.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I really really can't take this any more. It's making my life a living hell. I can't concentrate on anything, my mind is in turmoil 24/7......all because I love him so much.....should life be this hard? And if the answer is no, then how do I make it easier? And if your going to tell me it takes time then I'm sorry but I don't want to wait anymore......one million years of blissful happiness would not make up for another month of the pain I've felt for the last year. I can't take it.

LegacyUser

You need to get yourself into therapy. You owe it to your child if nothing else. Don't know what age he is but this will affect him. You will also have to see his dad for many years to come and MUST find a way to cope with this and have a relationship with him without being upset.
You can't tell somebody who not to see as you have been doing with your ex and family and friends. You are trying to control things - you must surrender that control & accept what has happened.
You could start with counselling or similar but some form of emotional healing would probably be best.

lehcar

Agree with the previous poster, sounds like you need professional help.

You seem to be still in the denial stage, which should have passed by now. You need to get into the acceptance stage asap for your and everyone's sake.

Tough situation, good luck

Darragh29

I had a friend who was in the same situation as you a few years ago, her fiance just upped and left, "we're too different", blah blah blah. She was heartbroken, I told her it didn't add up and the chances were, in the absence of some explanation, that the truth was yet to come about as to why he decided to up and leave. I suggested that maybe there was someone else involved and for one month solid, she said no way. Then one day he turned up to collect some stuff from the house and the conversations we'd had been having urdred her to confront him. Eventually after a lot of hard work she got the truth out of him and it all came out, he had been seeing another woman for the last 9 odd months. She had to basically pretend that she already knew what he'd been doing and then he decided when he thought she knew, he'd come clean. He travelled once a week in relation to work and met up with this other woman on this one day every week.

I have to be honest, reading your post sounds exactly like the situation she was in back then.

LegacyUser

I just wanted to reply to your post as I am going through the exact same thing so know how awful your feeling.
Mine is a similar story I've been separtated from my husband for 3 years now and we also have a son, like you I wished I could just leave the country as it's so hard for me to even see him but cannot because of our son.
I have been having counselling (only since the start of this year) to try to help me understand but feel that he's the only one who can help me as I too am not sure of exactly what happened I feel he is the one with the answers and although I have tried to talk to him about it it never seems to get me anywhere. But here I am 3 years later and I still love him but now he's moved on it's so hard for me to still have to see him and to hear our son talk of his new partner (though I would never bad mouth her).
Just wanted to let you know I understand how your feeling, and I hope that we both can eventually move on.

January

Is it possible that instead of having to see him every time he picks up your son/drops him back that you could get a family member or friend to drop your son to him/pick him up and back to you then... It would stop the heart break of having to see him so often.

Also you can't stop people seeing him so just ask them not to talk about him in front of you...

I know it doesn't help much, but it would be a start and then you could get yourself into counselling.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same boat as you and its nearly a year since the split for me too. Yet I still feel awful and there is children involved here too, one of whom is very sick so I see an awful lot of him...... He has none of the commitments and is then free to walze off to his own life......

Its totally different once children are involved..... its very very hard to get over someone when you have to see them all the time and they dont seem to bothered. My ex has said he is not happy now either but yet he is not here with me trying to make things work.

Ive no advice to you other than to take one day at a time.