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Head wrecked

  • 25-05-2009 7:14pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I wasnt sure where to put this because, well, theres no relationship.

    I live in a small town in the west where I moved 15 months ago after the end of a long term relationship, my studies, travelling and some wild years. I now have a very good job and all in my life is good.

    However I have fallen for someone whom I work with, an older man. He's single, but he's not available. I began to fall for him around Christmas time. I asked him out but nothing came of it (it was never mentioned again) and then I realised he was having a very casual relationship with another woman so I backed off completely.

    Since then we have become very close friends (on his initiative). I have seen other men but nothing has taken off and to be honest, its still very soon for me after my ltr and I need to process some things and work on some personal stuff before I enter another serious relationship or even look for one. But I cant get this man out of my head. We hang out a lot together both at work and socially now. He has made it clear that he's not looking for a relationship with anyone atm. We havent spoken honestly about it but he's passed on that message in a roundabout way.

    Since I'm new to the area, he is also my closest friend around. I really dont want to not have him in my life right now. Its a real 'click'. And they're very rare.

    What do I do? How do I get him out of my head?


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am in a relationship with a younger woman. I had been on my own for a long while and would have rejected any suggestions of a relationship out of fear of getting hurt.

    I am glad I didn't and that she took the initiative..


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I hadnt thought of that as a possible reason. I do know he was hurt badly in the past and hasnt had a serious relationship since (several casual ones though).

    I've veered between thinking he just doesnt find me attractive, to thinking he doesnt have time. He never compliments me but does other women at work. But he goes out of his way to spend time with me. I know he thinks very highly of me. We talk about everything except our romantic pursuits, so anything I know about that is just snippets. He knows nothing about mine.

    He's studying part-time atm, and its a very intensive course (I know cos I've done the course and help him with it). So he has very little free time and that will be the way for another 18 months or so.


  • #4
    themadchef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,813 ✭✭✭themadchef


    Well, you're right about the thread title. It does sound like your head is wrecked at this and i don't blame you.

    You have to be realistic. You seem like a smart, educated young woman, who is well able to mix socially. As someone who lives in a very remote part of the West i can understand how easily you can become very close friends with very few individuals and as an outsider how difficult it is at times to break new ground with others.

    You are clear in your intentions towards this man, he's no teenager, he knows the score. He chooses (for whatever reason) not to pursue a romantic relationship with you at this time. Are you really going to wait another 18mts till his course is up? Stop making excuses for him, if he wanted you, he'd be with you. It's harsh, and I'm sorry, but it's a fact. If he's too scared, or not emotionally ready, do you really want to drag him kicking and screaming into a relationship?

    I know the friendship is there, and deep an all as it may be ...you will always want more....

    My advice would be to distance yourself from him. Not cut him out completely, but make yourself less available to him. If he truly wants more, then he may well ask for it. If he doesn't, then you need to spend your time elsewhere. I'm not trying to be cruel, but you could waste another two years of your life chasing a dream, the more time you invest in this, the more invested you become and the longer and deeper the pain.

    Take stock of your situation, and take action, or carry on and live in hope? I know the choice I'd make.

    One more thing, "thinking he just doesn't find me attractive" that may or may not be true, but in order for anyone else to love you, IMO you must first love yourself.

    Hope you find your answer.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    themadchef wrote: »
    Well, you're right about the thread title. It does sound like your head is wrecked at this and i don't blame you.

    You have to be realistic. You seem like a smart, educated young woman, who is well able to mix socially. As someone who lives in a very remote part of the West i can understand how easily you can become very close friends with very few individuals and as an outsider how difficult it is at times to break new ground with others.
    Yes I am those things, and I find it difficult to meet people whom I have much in common. I mix with a lot of people but they only see part of me if you know what I mean.
    You are clear in your intentions towards this man, he's no teenager, he knows the score. He chooses (for whatever reason) not to pursue a romantic relationship with you at this time. Are you really going to wait another 18mts till his course is up? Stop making excuses for him, if he wanted you, he'd be with you. It's harsh, and I'm sorry, but it's a fact. If he's too scared, or not emotionally ready, do you really want to drag him kicking and screaming into a relationship?

    No I certainly do not, which is why I never forced the issue in the first place. You are right. I do not want to wait either. I have done that in the past and its a waste of time.

    I know the friendship is there, and deep an all as it may be ...you will always want more....

    My advice would be to distance yourself from him. Not cut him out completely, but make yourself less available to him. If he truly wants more, then he may well ask for it. If he doesn't, then you need to spend your time elsewhere. I'm not trying to be cruel, but you could waste another two years of your life chasing a dream, the more time you invest in this, the more invested you become and the longer and deeper the pain.

    Well I am trying to do this already. I have seen a few men since I 'gave up' on him some months ago. I just cant help comparing them to him. Stupid I know. I cant distance myself any more though. His friendship and advice at work means too much. I guess I could cut down on the after hours socialising I suppose. I am open to meeting other men. As you probably know yourself, they're rare enough around here.
    Take stock of your situation, and take action, or carry on and live in hope? I know the choice I'd make.
    I know you're right. I am doing this. or working on it anyway.
    One more thing, "thinking he just doesn't find me attractive" that may or may not be true, but in order for anyone else to love you, IMO you must first love yourself.
    No I actually have a pretty good opinion of myself. Its just a fact of life. Sometimes people dont float the boat and theres precious little you can do about it. Happened to me with other people too.


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