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D4 satire serialised online
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24-05-2009 3:54pm#1
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another xcrpt:
chapter 5
"Stone The Crows"
"Fackin' ell mate if I ain't already bladdered!"
-"Must be all that Guinness you ligged at their brewery ya muppet! I did tell you to go easy dinn' I!"
-"Yeah yeah whatever... -was well worth it though was it!"
-"Too fackin' right it was! Now THAT, my son, is the kind of museum I can well tolerate! If all culcha was always that sweet, we'd be sorted! Now fill your boots son: game of two halves! Set your stall early, we jus' getting started here, Dublin is ours -back of the net!"
Brooding my way back to the car, I get suddenly awakened by two more foreign voices. The two characters are some distance behind me but the cold clean air carries their exchange.
"Now check this joint mate... what do you think? Looks a bit of alright does it?"
-"Sure looks decent... a bit poncey though... Check out the wallpaper and the penguins serving: I ain't feel it!"
-"Whatcha on about you ain't "feel it" ya big pikey? It's just a fackin' boozer! It'll do the job! "Buswell's" eh... well eat my goal Mr. Buswell, we're gain' in! Bunch of arse -we'll show 'em who's who! Bring a bit of class an' all, now stop moaning and get in there!"
-"Alright alright! Just gizzas a sec' will ya -need to take a leak... aaaah that's better..."
They are behind me and for some reason I don't fancy turning round to take a look.
Now the thing is, I sort of recognise their voice I know this accent, heard it before: theirs is the one you hear every weekend in the heart of Temple Bar, reverberating on the windows of Fitzsimons and echoing through kebab shops; it's usually multiplied a dozen times and invariably male. ...It's also always liberally adorned with expletives -"I'll tell you wot", these visitors to our shore, you hear them from a distance! They usually ask A) where this "Guinness factory" is and
where they can "watch the football". Now when you tell them that it's best enjoyed at Croke Park in a passionate crowd of ninety thousand souls, they have a tendency to go all uncomprehending and quite annoyed: "No no I mean like, football yeah? The real one you know! Not some kind of... folkloric game -no offense mate- but praper football yeah? Foot - Ball!" The volume usually increases as they ar-ti-cu-late for the benefit of the native -It's always great craic winding them up.
Not that these guys would realise they're being teased. They roam the streets, ten at a time, gloriously convinced of their invincibility and boasting of their unique attribute: their license to paaarty -Fair play to them, like.
These two are a case in point: they're "up for it". Lots of supping has audibly already got done and they want more. The only thing not quite right here is the fact this ain't Thursday or Friday night (when their lot usually turns up), this is the start of a working week for crying out loud! Did they get lost behind? Do they want to make a full six days of it? I just don't know. I just can't tell. Right now, I sort of have someone else very much on my mind and these two gentlemen don't exactly hold any interest for me. Would Mathieu ever behave like that? Would he speak to his pals like so? Most surely not; I simply refuse to believe it. After all he's a... literature lover, in his own right; he's a cultural adventurer, not a tourist; he's a... -oh I don't know, I don't know him enough to tell.
"Blahdy 'ell mate, lost your marbles or wot? You're avin’ a larf! This is a fackin' street here! You fackin' chav, you can't hold it for five minutes can ya?"
-"Gizzas a break will ya... what's the big deal here? Who gives a fack?"
-"Who gives a fack? I fackin' do! I give a fack! I can't take you nowhere can I?! Ya fackin' chav, embarrassing me in public"
-"You wot? Who you callin' a chav??"
-"I'll tell you wot, I ain't copping for you if you get done by the rozzers!"
-"Who you callin' a chav?"
-"Eh? It's YOU I am calling' a chav you pikey cahnt! You deaf as well??"
-"Eh? What's your problem mate? You wanna a slap? You wanna a piece of me, 'sthat it?"
-"A piece of you? A piece of you? You watch your marf my son or I'll fackin' ave you you hear?"
-"Oh yeah?"
-"Oh yeah!"
-"Well cahm' on then, let's fackin' ave it ya fackin' ponce, you 'ave a go if you're so tough"
I am not sure I want to stick around too long -even in this most respectable of respectable streets. Who would have thought that the seat of our national Parliament and State ministries would attract such unsavoury alcoholics? Eh? Yikes! The temptation of turning round and checking what's going on is dead unbearable though. The two characters are probably clashing antlers by now or else stripping to their waist, chasing each other around a lamppost.
-"Oh yeah?"
-"Hell yeah!"
-"Make me then!"
-"You make me!"
In fact, the saddest thing about it is... their behaviour fails to surprise me. It fails to surprise me entirely. This is like, so predictable -as opposed to the wacky Frenchman earlier. It's the old story isn't it? Fellows get lashed, fellows lash out. Sooo predictable. These two behind me clearly operate under this weird set of rules usually found around football stadiums or in soaps like "EastEnders".
"EastEnders"!!
This is it! That's the one! This is what they reminded me of all along, the attitude and all -Isn't there a pair of baldies in that programme, always giving out and slagging everyone? I'm pretty sure there is, in any case this is what our duo's voices sounded like. Still sound like in fact.
-"Blimey, you 'got some fackin' lip for a Spuds fan ain'cha? Don't think I won't will I!"
-"OK then, let the dog see the rabbit, you 'ave a go! I ain't got all day!"
"EastEnders" eh...
Now I like "EastEnders" as much as the next man (i.e. not much) ...but it's surely not a patch on the aul' "Fair City"! No contest here! Where is the picturesque and quirky charm? The milk of human kindness in all of its wonderousness? The pregnant pauses at the end of every episode? You answer that, Sherlock Holmes!
I wonder which one came first... (may need to look this up) "EastEnders" or "Fair City"? Grew up with "Fairs" me. It's part of my cultural heritage, alongside "Father Ted", Boyzone or Gaybo on "The Late Late Show". I guess if you were to pick the brains of your man on the street, most folks would call "EastEnders" a pale copy ...if there was anything pale about it that is; for the truth is, I don't actually remember any greenery in "EE", I don't recall any swan populated central park, I don't see one single bridge glistening in the golden sunshine there... Do they have parks in that mysterious "EastEnd"? Nobody knows. Do they celebrate Assumption? No idea either. That mythical place seems to be immune from any geographical or historical consideration. One thing is sure though, it's always pub-time in "EastEnders".
Another thing that always bugged me about it is the characters' lingo -they're worse than Cork! Worse than Limerick! Now call me thick as two planks, but I only understand half of what they're saying. Listening to them, it's almost as if the characters had developed a language of their own... a micro-culture!
I don't get it.
Try as I might, I don't recognise their slang, I am baffled. It's like, when they greet each other, I don't hear them go "how's she cooking?", "how 'you keeping?" or "what's the craic?". What's going on here? Not even a poxy "what's the story bud?" to embellish the day -I be dreaming!?! Manners eh, manners don't seem to rule in that queer Albert Square! (And where's this Albert Square to start with -is it the one in Drumcondra?? Another mystery.) Truly I wonder. Whenever I come across an episode, I hear them jabber, jabber away, "blah blah blah", and not once -not once- do I hear them address my concerns or echo my mind ...it's almost like we've got nothing in common. Where are our lovely turns of phrase "I'll tell you a story about Johnny McGory", "she'll be apples" or "I'd say you danced at your mother's wedding" huh? Whatever happened to "do you want to wake up with a crowd round ya?", "my moongoose stole my penguin", "the face of that and the price of fish" or just "that's beyond the Pale"? In fact, have these people even heard of the Pale?? Oh yes it's a mystery and no mistake. A right riddle. Why don't they thank each other "a million"? What's wrong with a polite "fair play to you?"
And what do they go on about in the first place? What they actually go on about I don't get either: it's like a different kettle of fish altogether. All they seem to be doing is argue over a pint -and not even one of the black stuff! How queer, how dead queer... As true as I'm riding a bicycle, these people appear to have drifted off from normal language and grown their own subculture; it's like they have sprouted their own codes and stick by them with no consideration -no consideration whatsoever- for their fellow viewers. I'd say they inhabit a parallel universe, a queer auld landscape... it's all dead spooky. Huh. A right gas ticket they may be -hearing them constantly giving out about whatever and their mother-, but they sure don't make much sense to me!
Every time I switch on, it goes something like this:
Baldie with tattoos all over the place: "Oi! Geezer! Whass gain' on? Cahm' ere!"
Other baldie: "You wot? Whazzthat you want? Want some? Huh? Huh? Whatcha sayin'?"
First baldie: "Oi! Ain't meant nuffin', dinn'I"
Second: "Dunnit."
First baldie: "Aincha!"
Second: "Watchit!"
First one: "Tell you wot tho: less go dahrn the pub!"
Second: "Too fackin' right I will! Watch me!"
Builder: "Blahdy 'ell mate... Can't have a bo''le of wa'er in peace these days or wot! I luv' me old Mum dunn I, godda problem with that?"
Smoking lady coming out of launderette: "Oi! You yes you! That's no praper way talk to your bruvver! Show some fackin' res-peck will ya! Fat cahnt. (I'll tell you wot, some people round 'ere, they ain't half taking liberties dunn' they...)"
Red faced publican on a fag break: "Ah leave it aht now! Knock it on thee 'ead son! He ain't worf it!"
Passing Jamaican: "Gotcha! Wicked! They juss' aving a larf ain't they?"
Lady eating chips and jellied eels in the caf', smoking: "Kids messin' about innit?"
Old lady selling DVDs out of a suitcase: "Sure wasn't like that in them days, when Reggie 'n Ronnie woz around..."
Up pops young man in tracksuit and trainers: "Never 'urt but their ahrn!"
Car dealer round the corner: "Luved their muvver"
Old lady: "and you could leave yer door open at night -take the Queen Muvver ya cahnt: Gawd bless 'er! Deserved every penny she got!"
Unemployed single mother: "And luv'd 'er drink dinnshe! Such character wonnsha!"
Alcoholic bum: "Always 'ad a smile for everyone, even a wave..."
Fat man slaps hand on Scotsman's shoulder: "You're nicked, sunshine!"
Wife beater: "Cripes! The rozzers! It's a fair cop."
Fat man takes hand off cautiously, surveys it and wipes it on his trousers.
Unidentified character: "Top of the morning, to be sure"
Paper boy in flatcap: "I luv' West 'Am dunn'I: Who are ya? Who are ya?"
Asian street trader: "Cor, blimey"
Jamaican: "Strike a light, guv"
Asian street trader: "...if that bird ain't a right piece of skirt aincha?"
Young woman -for it is she- passing by, pushing a pram: "Oi! You watch yer mahrth! Show some manners wantcha? We 'got some fackin' kids liss'nin' avn I!"
Jamaican, laughing: "Ha ha, you is just been told my son!"
Credible gay character, passing by on his -sorry: 'is- way to The Bucket Of Blood: "Aincha! Too fackin' right me old china!"
Man in tinted shades, sheepskin: "Me old mo'or for sale, picture of 'ealth: twin engine, chrome plated plates, drives like a beauty -yars for a donkey! Cam' on! I'm slashing me own throat 'ere!"
Unemployed barber: "Is all you 'got? Ain't got nuffin' else?"
Man in tinted shades: "Whazzat you is after? This is Lahrndahrn Tahrn 'ere son: I 'got it all! Luverly jubberly! Genuine Champers -bottled in Barking! Gold rings, gold medallions, gold knackledasters -three for a fiiiver!"
Fat man in suit: "Lemme 'ave a butcher's first, need to see a man abaht a dawg"
Kid with earrings: "Sorted!"
Smoking grandmother: "Ssssafe."
Indian grocerer: "Stone the crows aincha dunnit innit Sid James me old mugger watchit Babs Windsor you slaaag blimey knahck me dahrn geezer bird cahnt too fackin right wonncha!"
Gentle narrator employed to give the moral of the story at the end of each episode: "I say... why don't we all less go dahrn the pub!"
Ah yes, they inhabit a strange world in "EastEnders"... a strange world with arcane topics of conversation. It's true though, have you noticed? This Albert Square yoke, it's a dead weird place uninterested with what goes on, for instance you never hear its regulars discuss the latest financial oddities of our very own Bertie -he must be loving it there, being given a break from these pesky financial auditors! The Old Vic... surely the only pub where the regulars don't seem any bothered by the new Civil War debate (namely: did Roy Keane walk out on his country or did he not?), the oasis of sanity where the very existence of Glenda Gilson has gone unnoticed! Truly we are baffled.
Finally, I can't resist the temptation anymore. Lost in my thoughts, I kinda lost track of the mini-drama being enacted right behind me. What are they up to? Methinks their tone of voice has changed somewhat... Feeling dead spontaneous, I take the chance of turning round and checking what's going on like.
-"Ya fackin' wanker, how could ya ever doubt me? You're my best friend!"
-"No YOU're my best friend!"
-"No YOU're my besht friend -hic!"
-"I lahrv you man, ya big wanker!"
-"Ah fack that ****, cam 'ere n gizzas a hug! Less go get wrecked!"
-"Too right we will ya big pikey!"
-"Less go get wre-you WOT? Who you callin' pikey??"
chapter 6
"At the end of the day, tomorrow is another day"
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Another little extravaganza
past the middle as the 2nd act comes to a crescendo before the full crisis and the ensuing resolution 3rd part; as told by the shellshocked narrator hitting the skids.
Some people would say "enjoy!"
On Getting One's License's Worth.... aka "Zap Zap Zap!"
Can't exactly say the remote hasn't been put to good use today oh no. Whether it was American blue-eyed melos or Australian soaps, homemade talk-shows or badly dubbed ads, no brainers or no brains at all, herself's been dead busy lapping up the visual wallpaper masquerading as daytime programming -I've dug them all! Hardcore's my middle name and, if I want to be sincere, it's been quite a rollercoaster in terms of on-the-edge-of-me-seat white-knuckle-rides...
"Win an electric toaster! Win a bin of recyclable compound! Watch more TV and improve your lifestyle! Enter our lottery for pensioners with barely disposable pension -One time only, special offer until the month end" (don't folks talk funny nowadays, they can't say "the 5th of June" anymore, it has become "June 5")
"JumboBurger: buy one, waste one!"
"A cruise along the canals of Clondalkin in the Republic of Ireland for our fiftieth anniversary?? That sounds lovely! Oh Cecil, really you shouldn't have..."
"and it's all for you sugarcheeks, a new disposable dishwasher that plays MP3s on its plasma screen, thanks to my new Maxx credit card -MaxxKreditKard, the card that max you out!"
-"I would like a large one Carol" (snort snort) "and four smalls.
-R, A, S, E, H, E, L, O -the clock starts now!"
-"And did you notice anything about your attacker, any distinctive sign?
-Er nothing Inspector no, I was so scared ...except maybe, oh yes except a striking looking tattoo right on his hand*! ...Apart from that nothing Inspector no..." (*As actually used in the Nicholas Cage vehicle "8 MM" ha ha!)
-"I say old sport, the plot thickens! We are clearly dealing with a determined fiend here. This investigation is certainly promising to be tricky -and this, only two days before I take early retirement due to colour blindness ...Ah well, let us just hope my disability won't play against me at the most crucial of times!"
"Now don't you be being so boring my friend: treat yourself, you deserve it! Live a little! Live a little and call this number (human interaction may not be guaranteed at the other end of the line / foreign tariffs may apply)"
-"Now numerous studies have shown that chocolate is good for your health and here is our resident expert, dr. Thing to tell us more; dr. Thing... is chocolate good for our health?
-Hello Szcyntia (sic) hello everyone, yes numerous studies have shown that chocolate IS good for your health, and therefore you should eat more of it, particularly of this delicious kind.
-Why thank you dr. Thing, this certainly clarifies the matter and casts new light on this fascinating subject!"
"I lost twelve pounds in five days! Shat them away! And grew an inch as well!! I shed twelve pounds so why don't YOU, loser?"
"Exclusive to "The Irish Independent", in this weekend's issue Glenda Gilson shows you how to gain an extra size in bust size -and this without resorting to surgery. Only in this weekend's "Indo", Ireland's only quality broadsheet: "The Indo -yous lovin' us!"
-"But but Dario... When I accepted -under duress, naturally- to marry rich sleazy billionaire Hermann von Fritz, I was convinced that you were dead!
-I was! -but I came back for you, Sue-Maria -and nothing can stop us now!
-Oh Dario sweet Dario, let's make crazy and passionate love in our underwear under a sheet!"
"Dario and Sue-Maria are right viewers, love-making is a natural thing to do -if you're not a poofter that is- but our lovebirds may find out, after a couple of years, that they need a helping hand; they may discover they need the new Viagra ersatz "Goldcock (TM)"! Did you know that 67,103% of men experience penile dysfunction in their lifetime huh? Well... did you? "Goldcock (TM)" is the real thing -in fact, it's even better than the real thing! (not for poofters though, 'bunch of pervs) "
-"...and here is J-Lo's pad in Miami like hellllllo I mean: how vulgar can it get right? It's like ahmygod -quick quick, let's have a look!- like soooo conspicuous yeah? complete with two swimming pools, one helipad, another swimming pool in the helipad, Greek columns in the swimming pool, television on every wall including the Greek columns
-Far-OUT yeah!?! Like -ahmygod- this is like, so totally!!?!
-So totally, yo -I'm already there!?!?!! -and here is Gordon Brown's bedsit in Woodcut Lane"
"I can't believe it's not OGM! I feel terrific! Now where's me incontinent pad?"
And it goes on.
As could have been easily forecast, the ****e goes on.
"Need a mortgage? Want to buy that flat of your dreams for that special lady in your life? (wink wink) Pick up your phone! 75% mortgages, 100% mortgages, 150% mortgages -we 'got them all. Getting a mortgage has never been so easy! Just pick up your phone! Pick-up-your-phone dot com and our team of dedicated experts will study your case. Our promise is your guarantee: contact us and we'll get back to you within an hour! Just pick up your phone! Pick-up-your-phone dot com (terms-and-conditions-apply, rates may go up as well as down, offer not available to minors under thirteen)."
-"Quick, there is no time to waste! Not one minute, not one second, otherwise the electro-demagnetiser will blow up the entire planet and bring an end to our civilisation!
-Bring an end to our civilisation??
-That's right, and extinguish all life forms!
-But that's monstrous!
-It is!
-My God, but we are doomed!
-We are!
-If only we still had him with us! Goddamm where is Charlie Haughey when you need him?"
"W, N, A, K, E, R, S, S and... start the clock!"
"McFriup (TM) is it! Made up of delicious fried cheese crust covering tasty pork scratchings dipped in rashers fat topped with succulent black pudding, it's served on a bed of roasted potatoes and lard inside a flame grilled bun! McFriup (TM): give it the finger and lick it good! McFriup (TM): gives me a boner like a truncheon!"
-"Yes Quentin?
-Only four I'm afraid.
-Lucinda?
-Ahem, four as well...
-Quentin it is then:
-"wake"."
"Now with added pseudo-atoms. The subcutaneous agent penetrates your skin firmly, it proto-rearranges the sun-seeking aerophobic ersatzparticles nimbly and leaves your hide shining like a leather wallet!"
-"A lot of people contact us daily they say, they want to know, are wheat-based cookies ...good for our health? With me to ponder this grave question I have noted international media adviser dr. Thing. Dr. Thing... are wheat-based cookies good for our health?
-Good evening Kcklara (sic), good evening everyone. Yes I would say, in my expert opinion, wheat-based cookies can indeed be good for our health -when consumed in moderation naturally.
-Naturally.
-Let's say you would be starving to death right?, you haven't eaten for ten days, you come across a box of these tasty wheat-based cookies -well I would recommend that you eat them. The whole box even.
-That certainly makes sense.
-Not at all.
-Thank you for taking the trouble...
-You betcha."
"Your nan died, your godparents passed away, now your Ma's just snuffed it -could you be next? Have you made preparations for that all important event yet? Well, have you??"
"...and then you get yourself down the beach guess what? All them sunloungers 'been already taken by the Krauts!! (laughter) Them sunloungers...: the Krauts! (laughter) -Tell you what though, tell you what to do right?: think clever. Think clever is what. Sprinkle some itchy BEEPin' powder on them towels next time you come back from the pub during the night -problem solved! (laughter) Sprinkle some itchy BEEPin' powder and you'll have the beach to yourself!!" (applause)
...Lamb a Jaysus, isn't this like, exhausting?
then you have an analysis of TV's hypnotic soul destroying energy sapping power.
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