Trying to be supportive, but...

LegacyUser

I think I just want to have a bit of a vent really, and see if anyone is in a similar situation - or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill!!!

My partner (of 9 years) is having a fairly stressful time in work at the moment, basically he hates his job and his boss is making his life hell. HOWEVER - this has been going on for months now and I keep telling him to just start looking for jobs elsewhere, to which he replies "there are no jobs". Ok maybe there are not that many jobs, but I know for a fact he hasn't even looked, done up his CV or even searched any recruitment sites. I searched for him and there seemed to be a fair few jobs he could go for - but anyway he never followed up on any of them.

Now he is so stressed that he just wants to quit - if it was me, I wouldn't quit without another job lined up but it's his life. The thing that is driving me insane is that every Friday (once he has his meeting with his boss) it is back into full-on, crisis "I'm quitting" mode again... but by Monday it is back to "maybe I should stick it out". The same conversation every week and no action.

In the meantime he is so "stressed" or "tired" that he is not doing anything except work or worry about work. I have to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, you name it... not to mention my own job AND my PhD that I am trying to finish up at the moment. I am working 70+ hours a week and any free time I do have off seems to be spent on housework. On top of that I get an earful of stress from himself all weekend.

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I love him to bits and I want to be supportive - but it is just so stressful lately... and I am starting to feel like a bit of a 'one-woman' show if that makes sense... I am always there to help him (listening, picking up the slack on cooking/housework, trying to finds jobs for him) but I don't know if he ever stops to think that I might be a bit stressed out too or might need the odd bit of help myself!?!?!

Anyway, would love some advice on how to cope with this - I worried that I am going to blow my lid one of these days cos the stress and negativity is starting to get to me! Thoughts welcome :-)

LegacyUser

1st thing - stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. He needs to pull his weight. A job can be very stressful - I left one in misery last year, became depressed. However he must try and do basic things about the place. If he has no clean shirts or underwear he will soon start washing them.

2nd thing - before you explode sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us in this post and that he is bringing all this stress in the house and ye must find a way of dealing with it.

3rd thing - the decision has to be his and if he won't change you will have to find a way of coping with that. I would simply tell him that he must limit the time he talks about his work to you, set aside a time each day - 20 minutes which is for work related chat only.

Some people are like this. I had a friend like this - I left but I can guarantee she'll still be there moaning about the place and telling us all how stressed she is in years to come.

He's just scared of making the leap. Jobs are scare so help him make a plan if possible.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, I am going to try and talk to him about it (again!) as calmly as possible and just say I will be supportive of whatever decision he makes (i.e. either stick it out till he gets a job, or quit right now) but he needs to do something about it - and that I'm not having this conversation again! Hmmm, must figure some kind of nicer way to say it though...

The funny thing is he always said 'work to live, don't live to work' but now he is totally caught up in the stress of job and I think he just can't see the woods for the trees.

dazberry

OP, I've been where in the position your BF is in, and in general people don't understand the nature of work place stress (WPS). Of course most people probably hate their jobs and most people have been stressed in work at some point, but WPS is a different kettle of fish. From the HSA:

What is stress?

There are as many definitions of stress as there are definitions of fatigue, mental health and upset. Stress is a negative feeling, associated with physical symptoms including increased heartbeat, swiftness of breath, dry mouth, and sweaty palms and over the longer term, digestive upset and cramp.

Psychological symptoms range from heightened emotional states, lack of impulse control, and feelings of being overpowered, losing control and fearfulness generally. People under stress behave differently. They may be angrier, more confrontational, show less time for others and impose an urgency on situations which is unrealistic.

Other characteristics include fatigue, proneness to upset, withdrawal, self neglect and depression.

Stress as we experience it may differ from person to person, but the feelings it brings about tend to be similar, regardless of what causes the stress. When we are aware of our feelings, thoughts and behaviours as well as our bodily reactions, we can assess ourselves as either relaxed, under slight pressure which we are coping with, under pressure we are finding challenging but acceptable, or under excessive pressure which is causing us stress.

Now he is so stressed that he just wants to quit - if it was me, I wouldn't quit without another job lined up but it's his life.

I was at that point and I actually quit but was presuaded to stay, and one of the things is that I was waiting until I had another job lined up. That didn't happen and two years on things had got so bad I had to quit. In hindsight I regret not just leaving. The absolute exhaustion was only the start, it got a lot worse.

I would suggest that you gather some information on workplace stress, and present it to your BF, and sit down with him and go thru' it. If it seems relevant, then get him to see a professional, some GPs don't always get it - but if your GP is any good definitely get him to make an appointment.

D.