Trust issues

LegacyUser

With someone under a year. Only had one very long relationship before that so dating was a new & scary thing.
I suddenly have become the mistrusting and suspicious type, wariness is no harm in it's place.
Bf has some female friends and kept in touch with exes. I found this very odd but getting used to it.
For the 1st 3 months he often talked of 'only being friends'. I started to get weary of this, wasn't for me and I felt a bit used. One day (never did this before on anyone) I took a notion to check his phone. There were a couple of texts to a girl. He told me he wasn't in to Valentines and didn't get my anything but did text me happy wishes that morning (we did not spend it together). However there was a text to that girl saying 'Be my Valentine?' on that day. That hurt.
I called quits on the relationship at that stage but he decided he wanted to commit and not lose me.
As he left all his phone bills lying around (hard to resist!) I noticed he had been texting this girl a bit before & the 1st 3 months he met me - so he did know here before me whomever she is. After he commited I only saw 1 text a month on bill for next 2 months.

Now I don't want to become the type of woman who checks phones or bills and stuff but if he was not happy with just me at the start can he be now? He says he loves me but unfortunately I'm wary still, time will tell.
I know he has deleted her number from his phone (or else put it under some other name) - I won't know unless I see number on phone bills.

I don't like being like this but I feel I have reason for caution but I'm doing my best to ignore it. He knows I am suspicious and gets very defensive if I even vaguely ask him about what he's been up to or things but he also needs to respect that I don't need to hear about what's wrong with his female friends & his ex all the time.

So was he just being a commitphobe at the beginning and should I relax?

tolteq

eh. like dump him?

LegacyUser

That's not very helpful

Wibbs

No it's not and on the back of your recent posts in a similar vein, tolteq take a week off.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

That's not very helpful

It seems that he is going to cheat on you. Yet you will stay with him? I would be inclined to agree with tolteq.

Wibbs

As would I but saying just dump him, is too easy an answer. It's like telling a fat person, eat less. Not helpful although somewhat true.

You need to ask yourself why you're sticking around. "I love him" is but one answer. Why do you love someone who is making you feel so unsure would be the question I would be asking.

LegacyUser

Well I think I'm justified in my suspicion but am sorry I ever looked at his phone as now I can't get it out of my head.
However he obviously practically completely cut communication with her after that - but it hurt to think he sent that text and he even texted her when we were away one week.

I guess we 'were only friends' in his eyes land not exclusive I guess back then but that doesn't help me. No point talking about it but I end up checking again to see.

Now bear in mind if she got 30 texts a month back then I got 200....so was it case of the fairer hand won?

star-pants

Well, to some people the first few months are testing the waters with each other, and if the discussion to be exclusive hasn't been brought up or established, along with him saying ye were 'just friends' then he obviously didn't see ye dating officially then.
He might have had a bit of a flirt going on with this girl two. But as you said the fairer hand won. He's said his commitment and has stopped contact as far as you know with this girl. So from that point of view I don't see him 'going to cheat'. But that's just what I see from this.

LegacyUser

OK well we talked this evening and it came around to this & fact he talks to exes & has female friends & sometimes I just feel he's not focused on me. He thinks I'm paranoid. I was trying to explain to him that it's ok but I would like him to understand I might be uncomfortable about it all. I just want to him to consider my feelings. He got defensive - he does all the time - I was acused of ABC and not caring for him last week. Tonight he again wouldn't listen to me calmly and dismissed me by telling me I was annoying him at that stage. I wasn't accusing him of seeing anyone - he started saying I was. I just was saying I'd like him not to speak to me that way and I just want to him to understand that when we are together I'd rather not hear all about Girl A B & C. He has a female friend in UK he rings in my presence and I have no problem with that, he knows - now he is accusing me of being jealous of her. Is a sign of a guilty mind? He said he didn't remember what he said before that was hurtful - that I didn't care about him at all and it was 'all about me' (he never apologised for upsetting me). So I said goodbye at that stage when he got demeaning again.

I then texted him to say we should take a break for a while. Haven't heard from him. He annoyed me on MSN. I have trust issues and I know that has no place in a relationship. However what annoys me more is the way he has spoken to me over time, I see qualities I do not like. If I cannot communicate with someone I can't have a realtionship. Sometimes it is like dating a Whirlwind, I don't know where I am. I won't tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully though.

LegacyUser

Question:

Should I tell him I looked at his phone back then and that is the main reason why I have had trouble trusting him. I was going to leave him then I was beginning to feel used a fw months ago (before I knew about girl) but he commited.

I can't get over this though and if he explained to me it would help. I have implied it on occasions and fished and her name even came up indirectly.

I'd imagine our relationship is going to end if time apart does not help & I haven't heard from him since yesterday.

So he may be livid that I looked at his phone but it might help him understand where I am coming from. The chances of us staying together are not looking good so I don't think I have anything to lose. He's kept this one secret from me - I don't like that at all, secrets & texting her while away on a hotel break ffs... the behaviour of a bastard if you ask me.

What about explaining myself in an email or should I just let the hare sit for now and not mention it? It's eating me up.

tatabubbly

Everyone has trust problems but if there isn't any trust, what can you build a relationship on? I was same, didn't trust fella but realised if i didn't trust him, then were would it go?

You have to think of yourself. Will you be content reading his phone for the rest of your lives?? If not, then i think you know what to do

LegacyUser

Well he just told me by text that he is not happy and that I know that.
Is he just turning it on me again so as not to seem responsible or being genuine?

There have been issues that having been causing me stress over my little boy and he was a bit uncomfortable about that but if it's more than that I wonder. I've asked what's wrong but he hasn't answered yet.

Maybe we are both unhappy and best apart or need a re-evaluation. He's certainly not upset by the thought of a break anyway. Hate this ****, I had years of this.

LegacyUser

have you met this female friend and have you been out together with her? I think after a year of dating you'd expect to have been introduced to his close friends. The friendship could be innocent, I have female friends, but my partner has met them and they've morphed into her friends really!

zeslim

It sounds like you're really stressing yourself out at the moment over the whole situation. From what I read of your posts, it seems that he was in touch with someone in the first few months of your relationship but has now ceased contact with her in order to commit to you. You also say that he loves you.

I completely understand how finding that Valentine's text would be hurtful. That being said, if you want to try to have a relationship with him, you need to be able to forgive him for that. It was after that text that he decided he didn't want to lose you - it sounds like he was trying to move forward with you. You say you haven't yet mentioned to him that you saw his text, and yet he still decided to cut off contact with her.

As for a sign of a guilty mind - maybe he just genuinely feels he has to defend himself to you. Unless you're leaving out specifics, it doesn't sound like he has done anything by way of being unfaithful to you since he decided to commit.

I wouldn't tell him you read his text, as I think that would only backfire. At the end of the day, if you decide being with him is something you want, then you have to give him a chance in order to make the relationship work. Maybe take a few days off and sleep on it a while before you approach him again so that you can figure out what it is you want and deserve.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thank you Zeslim. That was a very helpful post. Unfortunately if he is saying he is unhappy which is of course beyond my control. I have a child and have problems at moment and have been very stressed lately and I know this has bothered him and no matter what I say I can't change facts of my life. However, I'm not sure what esle he is unhappy about bar my questioning him on whether is is over his ex & is contact with exes etc. I don't like his reaction to me - but that can be worked on.

I need to time to reflect on me and get in the Now. We can only change ourselves and our reactions to an action. I've been so stressed lately it's been difficult to centre at times.

So he is unhappy. He has texted me goodnight past couple of nights & texted him wishes for good morning today. I never said exactly why I wanted a break (just I loved him, was stressed and at a loss) or for how long to take the break for but sure we'll see how the week progesses. I have not got into any arguments over issues on the phone - when he refuses to listen to me & when he turns my feelings back and demeans me I do not join in but suggest perhaps we end conversation. He may wish to end the realtionship perhaps.