Disagreement leading to thoughts of separation?

LegacyUser

Not sure how this will come across but I'll give it a bash

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years, although we've only married in the last four, we've a teenage son and are both under 40.

The trouble is whenever we argue I seem to start wondering about how I can work the separation out? I go through the whole process, the money, our son, the house, where will I live the whole works!

We are all very reliant on each other and anything like a separation would prove to be awful for all concerned and would have a terrible affect on our lives.

We do have our problems and stresses, both busy, with long commutes, not enough time together which has had a negative affect on our sex life. We don't have money worries as we're both lucky in this climate to have fairly well paying secure jobs.

I do love her and I'm sure she loves me too but this surely isn't normal is it?

Or am I just prattling on, there are worse things going on in the world and maybe I should cop on and relax?

The trouble is I'm the kind of person who dwells on things and as I work alone in an office I tend to make the molehills into mountains.

Advice here is appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You are not alone here. I have been with my husband 10 years, married 6, and have 2 children I am only 35. We have had some rough times and had counselling and are coming through the other side of it and the one thing I have come to realise after all the counselling is that fact that I am actually NOT happy, or not as happy as I should / could be.

My husband is a lovely man and treats me well, but is this where I want to be for the next 40 years, going through the motions because that is all I feel I am doing at the moment.

I too have thought out everything. We can sell the house, split the difference, buy a house each with a smallish mortgage and have joint custody of the kids. but on a week, on week off basis I was thinking. So, I would have them for a week and he would have them for the weekend and the following week, and I would have them the weekend etc etc.

There is no pension to fight over and if we have joint custody I have even thought about the maintanence side - and just split costs 50/50.

You are not alone I believe in these thoughts or feelings, but do you actually want to end it or is it a small cry for help.

If you feel this way I would consider counselling first to try resolve as much as possible before you go any further, but I believe it will help you.

LegacyUser

I'm happy more than I'm not, which is important, life is NOT a bed of roses for anyone I would imagine, so maybe I'm thinking "F*ck this, too much hassle" which is a cowardly.

I should really be thinking that I should work a little harder at this and it'll be just as I want it to be? The arguments are never that bad, but to be honest here I'm terrible at arguing, seeming to take everything personally.

When I'm thinking like this I feel terribly mean, my wife and son don't warrant such thoughts.

I simply don't know.

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

Not sure how this will come across but I'll give it a bash

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years, although we've only married in the last four, we've a teenage son and are both under 40.

The trouble is whenever we argue I seem to start wondering about how I can work the separation out? I go through the whole process, the money, our son, the house, where will I live the whole works!

We are all very reliant on each other and anything like a separation would prove to be awful for all concerned and would have a terrible affect on our lives.

We do have our problems and stresses, both busy, with long commutes, not enough time together which has had a negative affect on our sex life. We don't have money worries as we're both lucky in this climate to have fairly well paying secure jobs.

I do love her and I'm sure she loves me too but this surely isn't normal is it?

Or am I just prattling on, there are worse things going on in the world and maybe I should cop on and relax?

The trouble is I'm the kind of person who dwells on things and as I work alone in an office I tend to make the molehills into mountains.

Advice here is appreciated.

maybe try and not rise to her arguing?

LegacyUser

Hi, I am in a similar situation. my trouble will be when I left my husband. he will be very difficult. I can foresee the courts and alot of very difficult conversations. I want to start a completly new life, i feel like ive wasted the last 6 years. its not easy but I am leaving next weekend. Dont know how to handle the mortgage.

LegacyUser

I think about it every day.....but my wife doesn't work, so financially I can't seem to figure a way out. I'd even give her the house only with maintenance costs on her and the kids I'd never be able to afford another home for myself. Basically I'd have to give her half my salary and my home, impossible to separate really? Would love some advice on this if anyone has been through it! Oh, and if anyone is wondering, she doesn't love me so I've endured a loveless relationship for 6 out of 16 years!

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I do love her and I'm sure she loves me too

This, this is what stands out the most out of your entire post to me. I know it's difficult to feel like this day in day out, and i know it's easy to say "try counselling". If you mean it though, surely it might help. Money can be at the forefront of alot of marital issues, but obviously not them all. Your needs are not being met, and maybe hers arent either? Try to talk it out, and ask her to actually listen to what you're saying. Then you do the same. Is it possible she doesnt know you feel this way? It's hard to find the time but try to. You might be amazed how she reacts.

Unregistered wrote: »

I think about it every day.....but my wife doesn't work, so financially I can't seem to figure a way out. I'd even give her the house only with maintenance costs on her and the kids I'd never be able to afford another home for myself. Basically I'd have to give her half my salary and my home, impossible to separate really? Would love some advice on this if anyone has been through it! Oh, and if anyone is wondering, she doesn't love me so I've endured a loveless relationship for 6 out of 16 years!

God, that sounds tough. You need to get legal advice re the financial end of things. On the emotional side, maybe some counselling for yourself? To help you cope with the seperation if/ when it happens. Seperation is not all about the money. The emotional stress and heartache can be worse. Missing your kids, leaving the place you call home... be sure.

MissHoneyBun

Unregistered wrote: »

You are not alone here. I have been with my husband 10 years, married 6, and have 2 children I am only 35.

and the one thing I have come to realise after all the counselling is that fact that I am actually NOT happy, or not as happy as I should / could be.

My husband is a lovely man and treats me well

There is no pension to fight over and if we have joint custody I have even thought about the maintanence side - and just split costs 50/50.


I would consider counselling first to try resolve as much as possible but I believe it will help you.

I am literally stunned by the coldness of this post. Speaking of your partner of ten years and your two children as though they are nothing more than accessories to be divided up as you see fit.

Even worse, you actually have the gaul to admit that your husband is a lovely man who treats you well. Do you know how many people would give their right arm to be able to say that about someone?

Yet here you are about to tear his life apart. To the point where you have decided that he'll be allowed access to his children only every second week and that you'll ''just split costs 50/50''. I'm sorry but I find it sickening that somebody can so ruthlessly weed out their life like that, actually thinking only in terms of costs.

Have you given any consideration to your children's welfare amidst all this talk of mortgage and maintenance? Or even your husband for that matter? Not once in your entire post has any element of emotion or sentimentality entered the equation and that is, to be perfectly honest, quite shocking.

It seems that your happiness is paramount in all of this and I'm all for happiness but not at other people's expense.

While I'm at it, I always thought that the objective of counselling is to help people resolve issues, not create them. In this case, I'm obviously wrong seeing as counselling has made you think that you're actually "NOT happy or as happy as I should/could be''. It's exactly this selfish sense of entitlement that has created so many messes for so many people in this country today.

I'm probably ranting by now but seriously OP, if you think that breaking up your marriage, home and family will honestly bring you greater happiness, by all means go for it. But do yourself a favour and check it before you wreck it because you're not Carrie Bradshaw. This is real life and not just your one at that.

IanCurtis

Jesus, reading this is an eye-opener. Myself and my girlfriend are deliriously happy compared to these people with their cold, self-centred view of life.

There's a generation of Irish people who thought getting married and having kids was a badge of honour - that is unravelling dramatically now.

It is a huge pity for these people. Thank God it is not me. Did they ever spare a thought about themselves, their spouses and their children?

Greed and one-upmanship in Ireland :-(

LegacyUser

Hi MissHoneyBun,

Thanks for your post in relation to how I explained my marriage - I suppose I just didn't want to go into it, and maybe I should have said - when he is in a good mood treats me well, but when he is in a bad mood which was basically the last 4 years the emotional and mental trauma and psychological trauma and bullying that I was subjected to was almost too much to bare. The lack of physical contact and intimacy disappeared - and I tried and tried and tried and tried - and I fought for our marriage to the point where I almost gave up. I slept upstairs and then told him exactly how I felt and that I wanted a divorce.

Going through the counselling we have resolved so many issues it is amazing how a third party who is completely objective can help you to discuss each issue one at a time and work through them and maybe that's what I am realizing, after 10 years together 4 REALLY hard years I have come to realize maybe it is fear that it will go back to the unhappiness and heartache and hurt and that in response to that I would rather know that my children are in a happy loving environment with me as a single parent and that I would rather be single and well adjusted and happy than in a marriage that I am walking on tender hooks for fear that he is going to go back to the way things were.

And that is what I meant when I said the counselling has helped me realise I am not happy, or as happy as I could be. I believe that if I am happy my children will be happy, because it cannot be good for them to be in an environment like that.

I hope that is enough of an explaination as to how I can be so unemotion and not show any sentiment. You know what they say, don't judge unless you walk in someone elses show - and girl - I would quite happily give you mine right about now.

LegacyUser

So I went through my post again this morning and think I'm wrong, I shouldn't think like this about my wife as she deserves far better and so does my son. I'm going to try and improve things so we're not going to fight or argue, it's down to me to fix this and I hope I do / can.

Sleepy

OP - it sounds like your lifestyle is your biggest problem tbh.

I know it's not a good time to think about selling up or trying to move etc. but is there a possibility of finding a way for yourself and your wife to reduce the commutes (e.g. start & finish work an hour earlier / later when rush hour traffic is gone etc).

I'm of the opinion that there's a very substantial part of the 25 - 35 year old demographic in this country that have sacrificed too much of their personal lives to their careers and material possessions. Just judging from some of the replies to this thread you're far from alone - your wife might very well be thinking exactly like you are. You were together a long time before ye got married so I can only assume there's a strong connection between ye - is it the pressure of maintaining a "lifestyle" that makes you think in financial terms when there's problems in your relationship?

Might it be worth talking to your wife about what you both want from life rather than running to stand still?

LegacyUser

It's natural to think about separating when you get really frustrated at someone because you forget all the things that are playing in the equation and focus on them and how much they're annoying you.

You said yourself that "We do have our problems and stresses, both busy, with long commutes, not enough time together which has had a negative affect on our sex life" meaning the problem isn't entirely about the relationship but about what's going on around your relationship, since you clearly stated you're both still in love.

Is separation really the answer to the relationship, or is it just an escape from the problems around it? think about it, what will change if you end it? what will you lose and what will you still have?

And then of course, think of the effect on your son. Parent's divorcing during the teenage years is very tough to handle and it hurts them even if it isn't their problem ultimately.

Arguments happen and thankfully can be seen as a sort of phase if you start believing you can overcome them.

My advice is that you both take some time off and enjoy a holiday together, even just for a long weekend. A road trip, a trip to Europe, something scenic, anything you'll both like. The point here is that you'll be with each other in a non-stressful atmosphere and you'll learn to see each other in a good light again. Then use the pictures from the trip and hang them in your office so when you have time to think about everything, you'll look at the pictures and remember that fundamentally you really do work on so many levels.

Good luck!