Advice - partner doing drugs and not pulling his weight in family home

LegacyUser

long time poster but would rather keep this unreg.
basically ive had a battle with my partner for the last 2 years since my son was born about smoking hash. he had stopped due to court case over it about 4 years ago but after our son was born and i was struggling big time with no help(have no family of my own) while he was "working" but really smoking hash wit his mates in the shed.
anyway the battle continued , each time i gave in, pretty much because i need him, im in the middle of studying for exams in a couple of weeks and am so desperate to get qualifications so i can look after my lil boy and provide for him.
what makes it worse is he never has any money, so when my boy needs clothes or anything for that matter, even his brithday presents i buy them or he would do without.
this evening i was searching at the top of the presses for some chocolate that i had put up there a while ago and to my horror i found a lump of hash.
i dont know what to do, it makes me wonder is he doing this when my son is having a nap during the day, my exams are in less than 2 weeks and now im afraid to leave him with him but if i dont im not going to be able to have money to mind my lil man.
what can i do? i have no one to mind my lil boy but if something happend him in his care i would never forgive myself.
and before he told me he would never do that while my child was in his care and i believed him.
im rambling now but im just so confused, plus this man has sucked money out of me since ive met him, i think ive been so naive

niallon

Obviously there are a huge amount of factors here. The first being the amount of pressure you are under currently. I am not a parent and so please forgive anything I suggest that is not in the best interests of your child but, you need to get past the exams and that for yourself. If you feel he can be trusted to look after your son for the brief times you are away on exams then this is cleared to a certain extent.

Once you have passed this period, your next stp is confronting him. It's one thing for a parent to be sneaking a joint or two, personally I have no stance on the issue, but what is more important is that he is establishing a secrets pattern between the two of you and this is useless, it can only lead down a bad road.

Finally, you seem to imply in your post that you do not wish to stay with him. Again, you need to equivelate this in your own head. Obviously you will have concerns as regards raising your son and the notion of your son having a father. But on the other hand, your son needs a father that will be just that, a father, not someone who will spend their time getting baked and putting their own needs ahead of their son's.

Hopw this is of some use.

dudara

Thread moved to Relationship Issues

dudara

conolan

Phew, what a difficult issue.
Because the exams are short-term, get them over with.
I'm assuming the partner hasn't done anyhting to harm the boy. Likelyhood is you are stressed out and assuming things are/will be worse then they are.
After the exams, take a breather, spend time with your son. Gently tease out whether there has been anything happening.
After a few weeks, (assuming nothing bad is revealed) start thinking about your future.

But what do I know. I'm about to get married for the second time. But my two adult children still talk to me.

Nevyn

If he is not pulling his weight, is spending money which you as a family dont' have and can not be trusted to mind his own child while you are working then tbh I would be giving him an ultimatum.

LegacyUser

You need to park these issues now and get over your exams. Yes they are serious issues but your partner has been minding your child up to now AND, imo, smoking a joint or two will not impair him to the level of endangering your child. I agree fully that he should not smoke at all, even cigarettes, around your kid, but for now the most important thing is for you to do the exams that you have been working towards. Don't get side-tracked and don't worry about your son. If the exams are soon, I think you should get them over with and then address this problem - which sounds like a lot more than his smoking..

Oh The Humanity

Agree with the poster who said park this issue until the exams are over.

what makes it worse is he never has any money
after our son was born and i was struggling big time with no help
plus this man has sucked money out of me since ive met him

After the exams I would throw him out, he is nothing but a parasite and obviously will be no long term help to you. Life will be much simpler without him. He is dragging you down. Get rid.

LegacyUser

I am in the same situation.My husband smokes hash every single night. When I first met him he smoked a few joints, we were 18 and I was at Uni and it was quite common. Since then everyone else seems to have grown up and moved on.However my husband smokes more than ever. This has always been an issue. It makes me feel so uncomfortable as every evening his eyes are bloodshot and at times he can't seem to talk properly.I work full time and like you had exams 2 weeks ago.He gives me no money and when he gets some he spends it on betting,hash or beer.Each time we argue and he says he won't do it again but always does.We went to counselling but after 3 times I gave it up as the Counsellor made me feel I was the one with the problem because of stress and tiredness. She also said I'd never change him.He would sit there and tell fairy stories every week and it got to the point where I actually think he believes what he says.She was very supportive to him and I felt worse. I have 2 young children who adore him.He doesn't make them brush their teeth,lets them play the Wii all day and do pretty much do what they want.I come home to a bombsite every day.
I saw a solicitor who said if I split with him I would hve to pay maintenance and he may get residency as I work and he doesn't.She said the fact he smokes hash wouldn't be an issue as he's always done it and I've accepted it. Sorry for not being positive but like you my head is wrecked?

Has anyone been in this situation and if so can anyone advise?