Have I done the right thing?

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend are together 2 years - living together 8 months.
When we first met him and his ex were still good friends which was fine, i thought it was good that they didnt end badly. He left the city they both lived in and met me.

I always knew that they exchanged emails, txts and chat during the day but it was only when we moved in i released how much. Txt every night before bed to say goodnight, phone call during the day and couple of odd messages about nothing really - weather, tv really s**t trival things.

Now here is the worst part, she doesnt know about me. At the begining i didnt mind too much - he said he didnt want to upset her by telling her he had moved on already. I thought that she would meet someone and then everything would be ok. But no she hasnt everytime she rings and we are at home either he leaves the room or i do cause i cant be bothered listening. If we are on a nite out and she txts it really changes my mood. Whats strange is she has never even asked him is he seeing someone, surely she cant think he is spending all this time on his own. Its like she is not bothered/doesnt want to know what is happening in his life - just as long as she has the security of him at the other end of the phone

It is really knocking my confidence, i feel it changing me. Im jealous, clingy, emotional things i never was before.

I better add that he never hides any of this from me - all txts and mails are there. And they havent seen each since xmas as they live in different countys

Anyway today i asked him to tell her that he has met someone, and the txts and calls need to stop - i mean not altogether but not as much. They can still have there friendship but i want some acknowledgment in his life.

Was i right to do this? I think it has gone on way to long now. Told him if things didnt change fast i was going.

Ciara2008

I think you need to have more confidence to speak up to your boyfriend.

Don't be afraid to find out the truth. You are his partner, you are a team and it sounds like you have been very fair and easy going about his abnormal friendship with his ex.

Tell him that you need to know the circumstances surrounding his break-up because this whole situation is making u feel uncomfortable.

He must know that it is weird for you to feel like a secret to his ex. Why is he so concerned about his EX-GIRLFRIENDS feelings.....if she would be so hurt to find out he has moved on then it implies she still has feelings for him! Why is he encouraging these feelings!

It sounds to me like you have been very patient, you need to speak up and demand answers.

newtoboards

Yes you've done the right thing. I don't understand why he's so worried about her feelings, when you're hurting at the moment. Give him some time to digest what you've said to him though before broaching the subject again.

AngryBadger

The issue I'd have at this point in a 2-year relationship is that he seems to give her a higher priority than you, and why exactly is he handling her with kid gloves? If he's with you 2 years then he's been broken up with her for even longer surely?

I don't know if telling him to stop communicating with her was the best move, since I'd say he'll just go underground now, continue communicating with her but in a way that's less obvious and in-your-face.

You're right to highlight this, and tell him it's not acceptable, but my money says he's just going to find some other way of communicating with her. And in all honestly while it does happen that people remain on good terms with former partners, it's the exception rather than the rule, which begs the question is there more to this than meets the eye?

LegacyUser

Hi OP
you were completely right to ask him to stop!in fairness i don't understand this thing of people keeing in regular contact with their exes while in another relationship anyway.
im with my bf for 3 and a half years.for the first few months together his ex would text him a few times a week asking him to get back together etc...he would text her back the odd time just saying he was with someone now etc...i knew she was heartbroken and i trusted him 100% so it didn't bother me.
then one day she text asking how he was and the next day he text her back to see how she was because he felt sorry for her (hes a very soft lovely person).now i thought the fact he text her back the next day would make her think he was thinking about her and give her false hope so i just said it had to stop,he was to ignore her texts from now on and eventually she stopped texting.
are you sure your bf is completely over his ex?texting goodnight and contact every day is too much in my opinion

Wibbs

This sort of thing doesn't sit right with me. being friendly with an ex is all very well, but this friendly? It does sound like there are three people in the relationship. Not good as much of his emotional energy is aimed at another woman, where it should be aimed at you. You know it too. He can claim it's a friends thing, but would you have posted if this was a bloke he was txting?

The fact he's open about it with you seems like a good thing, but I'm not so sure. It can also be used as leverage. The "but sure you know I'm talking to her" kinda thing, which then puts the "blame" on you. The fact he hasn't told her about you rings alarm bells for me. It does sound like he's keeping her in play in the background. The explanation that it would hurt her after 2 years apart doesn't ring true. I would be asking similar to angrybadger, but adding how much of a gap was there between her and you. I would bet it was a small one. A month at most.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

the next time she calls answer the phone before he does. She'll get the message then!!