Mum again at forty

LegacyUser

Seeking advice here,I will be forty this year and basically I have just developed this incredible urge to have another child. My daughter is thirteen. I'm scared this is a reaction to the empty nest syndrome as I see my daughter growing up so quickly, and I miss all the times we had together. Becoming a mum was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am very close to my daughter and she confides in me a lot, but I feel I am losing the little person she was, as she is becoming a magnificent young lady and I miss having that innocent little kid about. We struggled financially when she was younger but she never went without the essentials.We are not that much better off now, but we manage. Question,am I too old now to be starting out on this road again? My partner is somewhat reticent,but totally supportive on the other hand. He just thought the baby days were behind us as did I ,feeling this broody is a bit of a bolt from the blue for me. I need some impartial advice please.

star-pants

Whilst I do understand you wanting another child and feeling the loss of your little girl makes you want another, I also see your husbands point of view that ye were done with babies.
My parents are in their very early 50s and I keep saying to them that they've done the raising of the children and should be spending some of their money on themselves, for a holiday or something. (that said they've had 4 children and did try to foster a few years ago too). THey're both big into children and would love to mind more. But they're also aware that they're getting older, and don't have the same level of energy to do the running around etc 24/7. And it means putting your life on hold for another 18 years. So you'd be 60 when you get to have your own life again.

It's something that you and your husband really need to think and talk about. Would ye consider fostering? The process takes 18-24months though. Or would you consider a creche or working in a creche? to still get to be around young children but get to hand them back at the end of the day?

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

. And it means putting your life on hold for another 18 years. So you'd be 60 when you get to have your own life again.
It's something that you and your husband really need to think and talk about. Would ye consider fostering? The process takes 18-24months though. Or would you consider a creche or working in a creche? to still get to be around young children but get to hand them back at the end of the day?

Thanks for the reply,being a mother for me wasn't a sacrifice,it didn't feel for one moment like I put my life on hold nor would it into the future. The greatest joy for me is being part of a family,I grew up in a very secure happy family and thankfully I have been able to provide that for my daughter as well. Just wondering am I too old to be embarking on this road again,emotionally I feel I am in a better place.

CDfm

I think you are underplaying your partners reaction.

After raising your children you should now be going back to work in to the job market and putting money aside for the current broods college years.Good for you it will be life enhancing.

What does does your partner being somewhat reticent mean - weeping uncontrolably under the stairs or staring blankly into space at the thought of raising another child.Thats what I would do.:eek:

Holidays without kids lazy Sunday Mornings that were with reach are fading fast. Dont do it.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the reply,being a mother for me wasn't a sacrifice,it didn't feel for one moment like I put my life on hold nor would it into the future. The greatest joy for me is being part of a family,I grew up in a very secure happy family and thankfully I have been able to provide that for my daughter as well. Just wondering am I too old to be embarking on this road again,emotionally I feel I am in a better place.

My mother'd do it all again I know.
The only thing is, a child now, will be very different from your daughter. The difference between me & my older sister (25 &28) and my brother & sister (18&16) is quite visible. Being brought up in different timeframe and with different parents essentially. Being older, less energy, less patience perhaps, different experiences will all come into play. It may not be as you exactly remember (I'm not trying to put you off, I'm just saying).

Also you have to know that your husband is as willing as you are to put the next 18 + years into another child too.

Nevyn

Seem you are broody as your daughter is moving into becoming a woman and your biological clock is also counting down.

You need to honestly sit and think what are your reasons for doing this and be as logical as you can about it and factor in the strain having a new born to toddler in the house will have on everyone, it's not just your time, space and energy.

Please make sure you that if you do go ahead you are having the child for the right reasons and not a emotional reaction to the change in your life and a void you are starting to feel.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

After raising your children you should now be going back to work in to the job market and putting money aside for the current broods college years.Good for you it will be life enhancing.

WHAT? The woman has raised the kid. Once she is old enough to work see ya, if she wants college she pays herself.

[/Quote]Holidays without kids lazy Sunday Mornings that were with reach are fading fast. Dont do it.[/quote]

Thats what OP should be spending her money on, not college fees. College is not an automatic right, its a privelege, if kids want it let them pay themselves.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Also be aware it might not be easy having a child at this stage, you may need IVF which can cost a fortune. THink about that before you get fully engaged with the idea

jam_mac_jam

40 is no way too old to have a kid, maybe your partner just needs time to get used to the idea. If he doesnt want to obviously its not a good idea but otherwise I dont see why not, you are 40 not 60. It just might take more time.

Abi

Unregistered wrote: »

My daughter is thirteen. I'm scared this is a reaction to the empty nest syndrome as I see my daughter growing up so quickly

I think you know that this is exactly what is happening..

and I miss all the times we had together. Becoming a mum was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am very close to my daughter and she confides in me a lot, but I feel I am losing the little person she was

Fair enough, she may not be a baby anymore. But shes going to need you a hell of a lot more in the coming years. While shes able to do a lot of things for herself now, your daughter has only started her teens. Im not trying to scare you or anything, but I turned from a quiet-ish child into a demon over night. My parents didnt know how to deal with me, or what the hell I was thinking, and I was merely 2yrs older than your daughter. Have you thought how this may effect her? You say you've always been close to her, do you think she may feel resentful towards the baby after shes had 100% of your attention for so long? I know you could talk to her about it, but shes heading for what could be potentially choppy waters..

We struggled financially when she was younger but she never went without the essentials.We are not that much better off now, but we manage.

Why should you have to just manage though? Im nearly 30, there isnt a hope in hell I would want to be tied down at 40. I'm putting away some serious cash so I can go globe-trotting at 40 :pac:

Question,am I too old now to be starting out on this road again?

Nobody here can dictate if you are to old for this road. Its going to be a lot harder this time around, you must know that. All I do know is, there wouldn't be a hope in hell of me having kids at 40. It is just a phase, and it will pass. I think the fact that you are about to turn 40 has you in this state of mind, its the 'last chance' syndrome.

evogirl

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

40 is no way too old to have a kid, maybe your partner just needs time to get used to the idea. If he doesnt want to obviously its not a good idea but otherwise I dont see why not, you are 40 not 60. It just might take more time.

+1
i know a couple of women who were heading near 40 having their first!
if it's what both of you want, then go for it

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

WHAT? The woman has raised the kid. Once she is old enough to work see ya, if she wants college she pays herself.

Holidays without kids lazy Sunday Mornings that were with reach are fading fast. Dont do it.

Thats what OP should be spending her money on, not college fees. College is not an automatic right, its a privelege, if kids want it let them pay themselves.

[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

Ok so I was a tad dramatic - being the Dad of a 15 y/o girl & gives me a god given right to be that way. Its great and a baby would just get in the way of that.

If the OP wants a baby as her project and others and partner does not then she should look at it as her sole responsibility - one of my daughters friends Dad recently died and your life and health changes at 40.

When the proposed child is 10 the OP will be 51 and 20 she will be 61.

I also have an 18 y/o son and thats rewarding too. We have guy chats about stuff.

So yes OP there is lot to get out of life with teenagers -the music -clothes & her first high heels -boyfriend break-ups - first time being called to collect drunken offspring from a party. Enjoy it.

Would I swap it - no -of course not

Ya cant turn the clock back.

Darthhoob

i'm going to look at it from a different point of view

my mum was 40 when she had me, my brothers were 12 and 14 at the time and i was the only girl too. i didn't have a happy childhood really as my dad resented my mother (and me) for having me at a time when he thought he'd done the whole raising kids thing. i wasn't a planned pregnancy, my mum was on the pill and he always accused her of missing her pills to get pregnant on purpose :mad:. also my brothers were much older than me. the younger one wuldn't leave me alone when i was a baby, but when the novelty wore off i dont remember seeing him again till i was a teen....then we were close again as we were similar. my other brother avoided me till i was about 5 then spoilt me rotten till i hit my teens then avoids me again :pac:. anyway i pretty much felt like an only child and as my parents were more old fashioned than my friends i didn't have sleep overs or many friends allowed round. i was also a tom boy (which my dad also hated) and because of this had alot of male friends who were not allowed to come round. and my parents never played with me either...whether it was an age thing i dont know..but i do know they took my brothers out on trips and played with them. i was quite alone as a kid (get ya little violins out :pac:). the worst blow was when my mum died of a stroke just before my 21st birthday (and just before my eldest son's 1st birthday). being the only girl in the family and her being the only one to be around me all through my childhood it was a big hit. our family all split up pretty much after that (except me and my youngest bro)...and now i am the only one to be living in my own house, with a partner and kids and aged 27...im still treated as the little baby :rolleyes:

sorry...bit long winded there...i'm not saying having another kid at 40 is a bad thing, just wanted to give my experience as a kid born to parents that age. give a different slant on things. 40 is not too old, but it is older than usual. i'm personally looking forward to the free time when i hit 40!!!! :pac:

LegacyUser

I think if you want another child you should!
If a woman at 66 can have children why not 40? I think if you really want to you should just discuss it with your daughter.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You are not too old to have a baby. You and your husband can provide a stable, loving family envirnment to a child. Everything else will fall into place once baby is on the way

My mam had me when she was 41 and that was in the early 80's. She was the best mother in the world and I could not have wished for a better person in my life or a better upbringing. Same goes for my father (who was 40 when I was born).
Also, only recently my sister (who just turned 40) has given birth to a child. Her & her hubby are over the moon with their new arrival and they are great parents, regardless of their age.

Anyway I just think that if it's what you want, then you should go for it. There will be a time when it's too late, so you and your hubby need to decide what you want before then.

Best of luck and hope it all works out for you!

LegacyUser

the question is have you got the energy left to commit to give that child the best chance in life, i'm sure you do - go for it

LegacyUser

Thank you,I am overwhelmed by your responses,and Yes I do see both sides more clearly now. I don,t know where this broody feeling has come from and it doesn't seem to be lifting. Some soul searching is needed. Any parents on here who have been in this situation,I would love to hear from you.When my daughter was born I was ill prepared for it but everything just fell into place and we got on with it,would it be the same again?

hepcat

40 is not too old to have another child but please tink carefully of a few things first. I had my son at 38.
- your daughter will be affected, she might be resentful and act this out. My older daughter definitely did, for a while. And, I still see her giving me the odd "odd" look if I am doting on her toddler brother - even though I'm always hugging her etc.
- if you're not that well off consider the financial implications. The cost of childcare is enormous and you get next to no help in the form of tax breaks etc. The childcare supplement is being scrapped too. One of you might have to give up work unless you have the €1k a month minimum for childcare. All the other stuff - formula, nappies, clothes, buggies, car seat etc all adds up too. Make sure you can afford this child!!
- Make sure your partner is 100% on board. It will be a huge adjustment so if he is not really into it this could cause problems for ye all

Best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am 37 and my daughter is 18, Firstly I am thrilled at having got her to this age which I feel is a huge achievement as she is an excellent child and the early days were so difficult in relation to housing, relationships with partner and family at the time and finances. It has put me off permanently ever having another child. We go on shopping trips now and holidays together and I think she enjoys having a young mother. I would not upset her life now or mine by having another baby, although I am very conscious of my biological clock ticking. I would say think long and hard. I know my frinds in their 40's one has just had egg donation to help her become pregnant as she was unsuccessful for years , my other friend has just had a little downs syndrome baby, which was undetected until birth, she loves her baby and he was very much planned but her life is upside down due to poor health due to his condition. We just don't know if it firstly is going to happen and the risk of having complications is higher. I know thousands of women are having babies in their 40's and it is pretty young, but start thinking about all the other things in life to enjoy as well. Best of Luck with your decision making..

LegacyUser

I think if you want another child you should go for it. Okay, I'm looking at this from a very different angle and might be a bit young at 24 to be giving out advice but my mum had me when she was 40 and she's now at 64 - she is my absolute best friend and we have the best relationship in the world. I just thank god my mum decided to have another child at 40!
I think it's really common in this day and age that women do carry on having children into their 40's - you may be providing for your child well into your 60s though - what kind of retirement did you envision!!

Good luck with your decision!!

LegacyUser

To the OP... I am 43 and feel just like you, broody all the time. I have 2 kids, the first one is nearly 19. I was very ill prepared when I had him but he is such a joy to me now.
I am in a new relationship and he is broody too! Seems to hit many people in their 40s..someone who felt like this too said she thought it was like watching a door closing and having a sudden urge to go through it.
When I went for a gynae check-up the consultant said to watch out for that feeling, he said that he sees a lot of women surprised at how easy it is to fall pregnant in your 40s...if you fell pregnant easy before the odds are higher.
What has helped me has been the birth of a new niece recently...especially looking at the exhausted faces of her parents..I can hand her back.
Perhaps if you spent time with a very small baby or a Terrible Two it might help like it has me?

LegacyUser

The OP seems to seek validation via motherhood.

All I can remember is the financially hard times. When my first child was born I had a good job earning lots of money and overtime.When my second child was born it was mid recession and the bills just hit.

All our savings were wipped out in a few months when my ex-partner decided that a return to work was not for her. The extra few hundred after childcare costs would have made the difference.

I ended up doing something unethical to earn money(though not criminal),taking a job I didnt like and we moved house.The vision my ex partner has of those times were wonderfully carefree times. Maybe they were for her. The relationship didn't survive.

When I read posts about a door closing and having an urge to go thru it what I remember is the turmoil that went around the birth of my children.

I think it is nice to look back on those times with rose tinted glasses. I feel from her posts the OP is doing that and should probably be posting more about what her partner thinks. If he was genuinely enthusiastic she should be saying ,we have done well financially and the house is paid for and we have quite a bit put aside. I dont get that feeling here.

LegacyUser

I will be 46 when my daughter leaves for college,thats relatively young if you ask me. As a couple my partner and I aren't money motivated,he has a good job works damn hard,but everything we do its for our daughter, we aren't the two car, foreign holiday type of family. We invest everything materially and emotionally into this family. I want to do this again for another child, being a mother has been the most rewarding and toughest challenge in my life. I know the road I would be embarking upon. My daughter has countless times asked why can't she have a sister or brother, she isn't the jealous type,far too independent and secure for that.
Okay I will be honest here, I can't see myself getting out of bed in the morning without no purpose, no one to look after, When my daughter was born, It was a terrible time for me, my dad had just died and in a way she saved me,the last decade has has flown by,thanks to her. I am scared of a future without her in my home,she will always be in my life I know.
I have grown through her,the confidence I have just being in her company amazes me. Is this wrong? My partner and I are working through this and hopefully we will reach the conclusion that is right and good for both of us.
Thanks for the time and thought you put into your replies.

philologos

OP, I know of women who have had children in their 40's when when their other children were about the same age as the ones you have described. If you really want a child, I'd say go for it. If you think that you are ready to bring another child into this world, I'd see that as a positive rather than a negative. Good luck