My boyfriend cheated on me

LegacyUser

I'm absolutely devastated right now. So many emotions going around in my head. Basically I just found out my bf of almost 2 years cheated on me when he was away on holidays with his mate. We were supposed to go away together, but I couldn't get off work, so he decided to go with his best mate. I wasn't 100% happy with this, especially when he admitted he was going to visit a Swiss girl he met over here in a hostel, who I knew was sending flirty texts. I don't think he was going to tell me he was visiting her, in his head, if you omit to mention something, it's not a lie.

So I was a bit worried, but I didn't have much of a choice as it was all arranged, so I got on with my life while he was away. Got a text off him every day saying he missed me, a few phone calls and e-mails. He came back and was being really, really nice to me, brought me out to dinner and all. Things going pretty well. I was still suspicious about the Swiss girl, so I asked if anything happened and he said of course not. A few days later, he got a few texts and I saw the contents over his shoulder, they were from the Swiss girl. He got angry at me for 'being nosy' and told me he'd never cheat on me and they were just friends. I apologised and asked him to forgive me, told him I trusted him and things were good. Sooo then a few days later, I asked if I could see his holiday pics and he was very cagey about them, said he wanted to show them all to me and explain what they were, but he said he'd do it another time! Thought this was weird. So again I get 'the feeling'. The next day, I was over at his house and he was in the bathroom getting ready to go out, and I saw I'd left his email logged in. I'm ashamed to say, I felt compelled just to check that nothing was going on with Swiss girl. Well there was only an email along the lines of 'I regret what happened between us, things are strange now between me and my bf, how is your gf?'

I broke down crying and confronted him, at first he got angry but then he started crying and told me he was sorry, that nothing much happened, they just kissed once. I said it wasn't even that that hurt me, it was the fact he lied again and again, and the fact he kept in contact with her. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he decided when he was there that he really did miss me and wanted things to work between us. He knew I'd dump him if I found out. Well, that's what I did and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still love him and miss him so much but this on top of his general attitude of not being that bothered about me, I knew I had to end it for my own sanity. I'm just so sad. I can't say this came as a huge surprise but I'm really hurt and feel so betrayed and like I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again (

LegacyUser

a similar thing happened to me,except we were together 5 years and he dumped me,didn't tell me why, then got with this other girl literally a few hours later and i later found out they'd been together for months behind my back. Nobody can understand the pain unless it's happened to them,I remember my heart actually physically hurting! I promise you the pain will ease, it just takes time.you need to concentrate on yourself and looking after yourself,and you will find love again, probably when you least expect it. keep your chin up!

Katgurl

sunflower27 wrote: »

You poor love. He's a liar and a cheat and I really feel for you. Had to dump a cheat once myself and it hurt like hell but it was the right thing to do.

The cheek of him to call you nosey as well :rolleyes:

You will love again and you will trust again but it takes times.

Not much I can say that will help, just get your girlfriends together and try and keep busy. Your pain will ease.

sf xx

+1


sorry to read your post, you must hurt like hell, i've been there myself. You defo did the right thing & you'll feel better in time.

He didn't deserve you, not only did he cheat, he lied, he made you feel guilty about not trusting him & he treated you with blatant disregard. He's a prick, that's the long & the short of it.

You would have never been able to fully trust him. Stick with your decision & concentrate on yourself.

Best of luck.

Karen_*

Right so not only did he cheat but he planned it? Flirty texts and booking a trip to see recipient of the flirty texts and then surprise surprise he cheats on you.


I know you're very upset but are you really surprised? And why is he crying? He's crying because he got caught because thats the only thing that wasn't part of his plan.

You're wasting your tears on an absolute loser. He's not good enough for you! You did the right thing breaking up with him and you should hold your head up. You WILL get over this but its hard enough losing someone without also having to deal with a huge betrayal. Be good to yourself.

snowy2008

kick his slimy ass to the curb, your better than this, rise above this low life and run, there are so many good decent lads out there, dont spend another second with this loser, i very much doubt it was just a kiss, seriously, if he did this once how many other times has he done it, show him whos boss and dump him like a hot snot

snowy2008

count this as a blessing in disguise that it happened now, imagine this happening three kids and married! nightmare! laguh your way ouit of there and into a fabulous night out to paint the town red i know it hurts darlin but you'll laugh about this and think what a relief in time x x x

LegacyUser

I just can't believe this has happened to me. But no, I can't say I'm surprised really, from the time he was getting texts from the Swiss girl I felt there was a problem. I don't think he planned to cheat. I think he fancied her and they got on well and it ended up happening when they were drunk. I just can't believe the pure selfishness of not telling me - because it would ruin things for HIM! I just feel stupid because I put so much into this relationship, it was my first real relationship even though I'm 23, and it turns out he was a prick! I always had my feelings about him, that he could be insincere and cruel, but I didn't think he'd do this.

LegacyUser

Oh dear am terribly sorry to read this. I doubt if it was just a kiss but thats besides the point.

You are better off in the long run as much as it hurts now. It all sounds premeditated by the b/f.

If he got drunk in a nightclub and snogged some random bird is one thing but he clearly planned on meeting this one as there was 'unfinsihed business' by the sounds of things.

You did the right thing.

LegacyUser

I do believe him about the kiss. As much of a d!ck as he is, I don't think he'd do more than that, and also it was in the train station they kissed as he was going to the next destination. When he stayed at her house, I think her boyfriend was around and her sister and friend as well.

snowy2008

you know, alot of us went thru the same thing with boyfriends, i was with a guy 2 years and he got someone pregnant without telling me but i found out from his brother after we broke up, i did the breaking up coz he was just not right for me but thats besides the point, you feel sad and betrayed but times a great healer and you'll feel better soon, just dont waste time on this creep, to be practical, theres no harm getting yourself checked out for an sti, just to be safe, arent you lucky your not married to him? he was just crying coz he got found out, take heart, you will meet someone else and chin up, your only 23, be brave hun x

LegacyUser

So it's not even 3-4 weeks since this happened, and I found out just now that he's already with someone else, a girl from a college society he's a member of. She's written on her Facebook about how great her new boyfriend is and how they're so happy they got together. I feel sick. I know I'm well rid, but it hurts so much that I meant so little to him.

snowy2008

and is she going to be in for a surprise when she finds out what a scum bag he is, put it this way, would you rather be with him, knowing what hes like or be single and having your pick of gorgeous men dying to take you out and show you a good time? well? c'mon chicks, pick yourself up and dust yourself down, what wont kill you makes you stronger and delete him off your facebook now! x x

catratbat

Unregistered wrote: »

So it's not even 3-4 weeks since this happened, and I found out just now that he's already with someone else, a girl from a college society he's a member of. She's written on her Facebook about how great her new boyfriend is and how they're so happy they got together. I feel sick. I know I'm well rid, but it hurts so much that I meant so little to him.

It's a rebound. Leave him off...

Time's a great healer and you're only 23:D...

He planned all this, wanted his cake and to eat it too and subsequently lost you. Well done on doing the brave thing and cutting him out. It's the fact he planned it all that makes him a slimebag. Drunken snogs canbe forgiven (depending on circumstances etc. etc. ) Like ye said, you're well shot!

labradoodlelady

+1 What catratbat said.

Also don't go pouring salt in the wounds by looking at his or this other girls Facebook page. 3-4 weeks and she's so happy with her new boyfriend. um ok........

Seriously though it'll only hurt you more and take longer to get over if you keep checking their pages.

Keep your head up, say to yourself he's a muppet and I can do better than him and as sunflower said spend some time with your mates. Have fun, try not to mope and it will get easier.

hobochris

Sounds like he went out of his way to cheat.

- going away somewhere close to this other girl, id almost bet he planed it carefully to be when you couldn't go. holiday plans can be changed!

- They had the opportunity, so I doubt they just kissed.

- If he really felt that guilty he would have manned up and told you, instead he though he was in the clear.

- If it was a genuine mistake then hiding it is the worst thing he could have done.

everything points to this being well planed and sounds like he intended to cheat from the start!

DON'T TAKE HIM BACK OR LISTEN TO HIS CRAP. I'm ashamed to be the same gender as this excuse for a 'man'.

LegacyUser

Maybe he DID plan it, who knows. Her boyfriend was there though, and my ex met him a few times so I think he was there most of the time, then one night her, her friend, my ex and his mate went out for drinks, he walked her to the train station and they ended up kissing.
I know I'm well rid, I'm just sad. He wasnt just my bf, he was pretty much my best friend as well. We had so many good times, so many trips together, memories, and now it's all clouded by this. I wish I'd never found out. I wish he'd dumped me without saying why.

LegacyUser

Oh and ironically I posted on this site 2 years ago, asking if cheaters ever change, as I found out he'd cheated on his ex and never told her. I was told I was immature and paranoid, that most guys cheat once or twice, and it didn't mean he'd cheat on me!

LegacyUser

my boyfriend was away on a trip when he cheated. it was just a drunken kiss but even still, it hurts to the core. worse still, he didnt tell me about it and i found out from a PHOTO 6 months later. needless to say, i dumped him as soon as i found out. of course he was full of remorse, he even tried to deny it at first "i dont remember it therefore it didn't happen" until he broke down in tears. there was a mixture of emotions between us, sadness, shock, anger, hatred etc. i was unable to accept everything. the night before, we were a happy couple so deep in love. then i get that picture message (while i was at school) and literally froze. i had to be driven home and miss the rest of my classes that day. thankfully my father was very understanding when he came home from work later that day.

once i told him it was over, neither of us could accept it. i know that sounds silly as I ended it, but it just felt so weird that i couldn't call myself his girlfriend anymore. he didn't tell me because he was "too afraid" he was gonna lose me. A few days later, the pain was still unbearable. I wasn't eating or sleeping, just the images of him and her flashing inbetween every blink. i cried so much, my cheeks were red raw. Was he as upset as me? God knows. I hope he was. I hated him so much, but I still loved the pants off him. He phoned all the time, left messages, but i cant help but think he could've done more. His mum phoned as well, telling me how much of an idiot her son had been, but how it was a total mistake and the family would be devestated to see me leave.

I decided to talk to him, i went over to his house, and we spoke for hours. Although seeing him made me angry, it was the happiest i had felt in ages, just being around him again. We then decided to start seeing eachother, which had its up&downs i guess, explosive arguments to explosive love making. admittedly the arguements were usually started by me (and i had every damn right too). I am pleased to say that we are back together now. But i sometimes find it very difficult to forget. I guess i could forgive, but forgetting it just will not happen right now. A part of me still hates him to the very core for acting so selfishly and blaming it on the booze (what a pathetic excuse) but thankfully my love for him outweighs my hatred. I know that if i had left, i would just regret it, because i know he is a good person, and that it was just a one-time thing (if he slips up again, he's history).

He's banned from getting too drunk, and I have given him a set of rules that MUST be followed whenever he's out and im not there. He's obeyed all of them since. However, my trust in him is zero. I do not trust him in the slightest. To make a relationship work, you need trust, so i dunno what will happen. Maybe my trust will grow eventually, but for the time being, the only person I trust is myself. Even if i was horrendously drunk, there is no way i would hurt someone like he did. I've been drunk without him, and turned down every lame guy that came on to me. Maybe i just love him more. Sometimes, i wish i didnt. Life would be so much simpler. But that's just life.

Sorry if i rambled on, it just felt good to get it off my chest.
Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

im terrible i broke up with my ex and i always like to have a peek on his girlfriends bebo to see her going on about how great he is and i have a giggle, i know its mean but trust me, its funny,

i feel so bad for you, you have been incredibly brave and well done for not taking him back, sometimes a once off is just that but if he is able to start going out with someone after 2-3 weeks he sounds cruel,

totally agree with the other posters, gather the girls, have a night out and try and rise above it, the temptation to bit*h will be strong but remember what people think of you and what they think of him, they already know what a dispicable thing he did and you dont need to worry about that any more!

good luck!

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

He's banned from getting too drunk, and I have given him a set of rules that MUST be followed whenever he's out and im not there. He's obeyed all of them since. However, my trust in him is zero. I do not trust him in the slightest.

What on earth are you still doing in the relationship? wtf is HE still doing in the relationship? Have neither of you any self-respect or are you both just bad habits to each other?

Wibbs

I'm with bluewolf on this one. Clearly you haven't forgiven him. I mean yes he screwed up royally and you would have been well within your rights to dump his arse. No question there. But, when you got back together and you thought it was worth doing so you should have accepted the past was the past, work at moving on and actually forgiven him. That's forgiveness you know.

I really don't know why he's putting up with it TBH. Rules? Eh no. Just no. If I ask for genuine forgiveness and it's extended to me. It must be in good faith on both sides. If not it's control freak stuff and that's when the dear Jane convo kicks off. That's scary Irish mammy territory and incredibly weak of him to go along with it. Yes he may feel guilty and rightfully, but of course you keep reinforcing his guilt to keep control of him.

That really is no relationship and TBH you're behaviour is worse than his. One drunken snog is bad enough, but constant guilt tripping controlling behaviour is worse.

I hope you're one hell of a girlfriend in every other way, because sooner or later he will get sense, realise there is better out there and much less controlling. Then he will walk and TBH I would agree with him. Or of course his capitulation to your control will slowly turn you off him.

Jeez stuff here rarely shocks me that much, but that did. Both for your controlling stuff and his stupendous lack of spine.

gemmah

I live my one mantra...once a cheater always a cheater, find a man that really cares for u. My heart goes out to you!

coadyj

Well, I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but if it was only a kiss its not really the end of the world. I have in previous relationships kissed a few other girls, but I really didn't think much of it. I suppose it all depends on your definition of cheating.

Ok maybe the cover up was a bit bad, but the kiss might have made him realise that you are the one for him which is why he didn't want to hurt you. If this did hurt you I would say you shouldn't go back to him.

To me cheating is having sex with someone else, I could forgive a kiss.

John Mason

sorry, is anyone else thinking it was only a kiss???

hardly the end of the world

sorry, is anyone else thinking it was only a kiss???

hardly the end of the world

For the OP's situation? I think it's all the lying and deceit that ruined everything, not a kiss. I was in the same position with my ex, I asked him numerous times and he looked me in the eye and told me no, he'd never cheat on me, made me feel like a buny boiler for asking perfectly reasonable questions. That's what I couldn't forgive, not the fact he had one stupid kiss with some bimbo who was flirting with him. It's all in the circumstances. If my bf had a one off drunken snog and admitted to it immediately, I'd consider working it out. If I'd been lied to over and over, not a chance.

Exactly what Izzy said.
I consider lying and even guilt tripping under questioning(can't believe that!) to be absolutely a dealbreaker. Just a drunken snog? - you can forgive that. Such a breach of trust and just complete disrespect? not a chance. The lying is worse than the cheating.

Wibbs

I agree with the last few posts. The kiss while well out of order, is not the issue so much as the deceit. A snog I can handle, hell a drunken shag may be recoverable, but continued planned deceit is the bigger issue for me.

Wormking2002

listen, its human nature to deny...everyone has done it at one stage..i done what her B/F done and its an indicatation that something was wrong in the relationship...blokes and women see relationships differently..not saying what he done was right btw but girl u just have to move on...u'll find each day getting easier after a while..

LegacyUser

I discovered that my partner of over 10 years has been cheating on me regularly. I wish I had never met him. Why is there no website in Ireland that exposes cheating men and women? I did find http://dontdatehimgirl.com/ - it mostly has posts on American men but there are a few from Ireland, worth checking out if you think you're being hoodwinked.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

I discovered that my partner of over 10 years has been cheating on me regularly. I wish I had never met him.

Understandable, I'm sorry for you, I truly am.

Unregistered wrote: »

Why is there no website in Ireland that exposes cheating men and women? I did find http://dontdatehimgirl.com/ - it mostly has posts on American men but there are a few from Ireland, worth checking out if you think you're being hoodwinked.

WTF.

And send a lynch mob down the street to protect those poor women from this evil threat?

Are you realising that you are promoting nothing but lynching here? I understand your pain but this is definitely the wrong way to go about it.