Girlfriend wants to keep in contact with e-mate?

LegacyUser

Right, here's the situation.

Girlfriend was in contact with this lad on MSN. Became pretty good friends online. Never met. They flirted with each other etc etc while we were going out, then they were going to meet up. I contacted the lad and I was like ah here, just so you know, she's with me etc. He was pretty pretentious and arrogant in regards to the situation, which obviously pissed me off. This is when I found out they had been all flirty with each other and there was some chemistry. Confronted the girlfriend, she was apologetic about it, never met up with him. Found out she was still talking to him 2 years later. Now we're both going to the same college near this lad, and she wants to basically be mates with him in real life. The guy is involved in a relationship admittedly, but I just don't think he's healthy for our relationship due to the past problems with him. What I found out hurt me and I just don't think it's acceptable to bring people like him who will obviously by their mere presence cause tension between our relationship.

She says I'm locking her in a cage, I'm saying I'm being honest with how I feel and she has free choice to do what she wants but I'm not going to obviously pleased with it. I don't think I'm being possessive, I just think it's best not to get involved in this kind of thing. Inevitably though, a hello on the street becomes an invitation to hang out, etc.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

She says I'm locking her in a cage, I'm saying I'm being honest with how I feel and she has free choice to do what she wants but I'm not going to obviously pleased with it. I don't think I'm being possessive, I just think it's best not to get involved in this kind of thing. Inevitably though, a hello on the street becomes an invitation to hang out, etc.

If you feel that strongly about it, she should respect your wishes. This guy is not a mate, he's just a randomer online. She needs to examine her priorities - what's more important to her, you or this dude? Is he worth upsetting you over? She's being quite selfish.

Would she be ok with you meeting up with a girl you'd met online?

AARRRGH

This is well dodgy. The fact that she is flirting with him and has secretly stayed in contact makes me think they are going to sleep with each other...

I don't know what you should do. Try having another long talk with her, and explain how she would feel if it were the reverse, i.e. you secretly chatting with a girl.

ManOfMystery

This sounds very wrong TBH.

People who are in a relationship generally don't go online, get flirting with members of the opposite sex, and then arrange to meet them. Sounds like your girlfriend possibly loves the attention. I know if I discovered mine was chatting up some guy online and arranging to meet, I'd be pretty pissed off -and I would let her know. It's not cheating, but it's heading down that road.

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

Right, here's the situation.

Girlfriend was in contact with this lad on MSN. Became pretty good friends online. Never met. They flirted with each other etc etc while we were going out, then they were going to meet up. I contacted the lad and I was like ah here, just so you know, she's with me etc. He was pretty pretentious and arrogant in regards to the situation, which obviously pissed me off. This is when I found out they had been all flirty with each other and there was some chemistry. Confronted the girlfriend, she was apologetic about it, never met up with him. Found out she was still talking to him 2 years later. Now we're both going to the same college near this lad, and she wants to basically be mates with him in real life. The guy is involved in a relationship admittedly, but I just don't think he's healthy for our relationship due to the past problems with him. What I found out hurt me and I just don't think it's acceptable to bring people like him who will obviously by their mere presence cause tension between our relationship.

She says I'm locking her in a cage, I'm saying I'm being honest with how I feel and she has free choice to do what she wants but I'm not going to obviously pleased with it. I don't think I'm being possessive, I just think it's best not to get involved in this kind of thing. Inevitably though, a hello on the street becomes an invitation to hang out, etc.

dump her.

AARRRGH

ManOfMystery wrote: »

People who are in a relationship generally don't go online, get flirting with members of the opposite sex, and then arrange to meet them.

Unless they're the cheating type, which is what his girlfriend sounds like...

liah

I'm going to have to go against the grain here.

I've been in this situation (a lot, actually) from her point of view.

I knew a guy years online through games, he was a fantastic mate, we were always flirty with one another but he was in another country at the time, nothing ever came of it and it was really just sort of a jokey thing-- most of the time. He did feel like he had genuine feelings for me, I was never really sure.

Anyway, we decided that since we'd been mates a couple years at this point (I think I'd known him for maybe 3-4 years?) it'd be nice to meet one another face to face and just have the craic. He was single, I was with my boyfriend of a year and a half at the time, which he knew about.

I told my boyfriend at the time all about it and he was suspicious but he just let things go. So, he came, and we visited, had a good time, and that was that. Nothing happened, we remained friends, he ended up being mates with my boyfriend-at-the-time, and it was just fine.

Sometimes you just gotta realise that just because they're online people they're still people, and you kind of have to put them into situations as if they were there in real life. Like, if it was a lad she'd known in real life who she used to flirt with, but ended up just wanting to be mates with because she was with you, and he was with someone else, would you forbid her from seeing him? I doubt it, else you'd be highly controlling, so what's so different about a guy online?

LegacyUser

Yeah you're right, and I'm perfectly fine with that sort of thing - however it's because she lied about the fact she was actually going out with me to him, and hid me away while she was flirting with this guy that irritated me. And when I talked to him he was completely disrespectful to that matter, which leads me to believe that he doesn't give a damn about anything that gets in his way with this girl.

--Miscelaneous story about her past betrayal, not an essential read--
Last Summer while we were on a break/broken up for a while she got with this other guy, and all her friends told me about it. When we got back together, she was still officially with this guy (not seeing him, didn't break up though, at the time I wasn't aware of this though). I was a bit alarmed by this and consulted her (we had got back together), and she said it was all a lie because she wasn't comfortable talking to her friends about me so she made up this other guy. Fast forward to February we get back together after another argument/break up (which I initiated because she wasn't allocating any time to the relationship), even after all the lies she had told me etc and I find out after this she had actually got with same guy she lied about back in Summer (and slept with him).

Now fast forward to March, and guess what, all her friends who had told me she was with that same guy in Summer were right - she had. I found messages on her computer about regarding the stability of their relationship over the Summer, and she had broke up with him after she got back with me. So she had been with him twice. Okay so granted we were not together at the time but she didn't tell me about this guy and just expected to go on with our relationship without me knowing, the supposedly love of her life, the person who took her virginity (and she took mine), to just carry on without me being aware of all her lies and deception.
--

--Back to the e-mate--
My girlfriend keeps calling me jealous which is really starting to get to me because I'm not, I just don't see the need for this MSN mate who's hassled our relationship and although she's probably come pretty good friends with him and wants us to become a part of our real lives, I really don't because all he represents for me is hurt, betrayal etc.

Here's also the thing: When we got back together, it was on the agreement that people like the e-mate and her ex would be dropped because they caused problems in our life. Yet now she wants to bring the e-mate back in after all this. She said "why does the past matter to you so much, its the future that matters", to which I replied with "well if the past doesn't effect you at all why can't you leave him behind?". She gave me a completely un-cooperative response.

In fairness to her, she's really improved with her loyalty and I'd be surprised if she flirted with him online at this time; but all I'm saying is "here, you've ****ed me over in the past, I've forgiven you for it, I've tried to move on with you, but you still insist on bringing back people like him and going back on your word after we agreed not to".

liah

Alright, fair enough, she's dicked you around in the past, so of course you'll be a little suspicious.

To be honest, from the sounds of it I don't think you'd really be able to stop her from being friends with or meeting up with this guy, even if you don't want her to she will anyway.

It's just really up to you as to whether or not you can muster up enough trust to go along with it, or if it makes you uncomfortable enough to leave. Consider what she's done in the past and how she is now, you know her better than any of us, do some soul-searching to see what the best option for you is.

LegacyUser

Yeah she'll do what she wants at the end of the day; not because this e-mate is her best friend but because she's absolutely zero respect for my feelings. I said she could be good friends with the guy but I'd feel really, really uncomfortable with it, and of course she took that chance. Then we started arguing again because I was upset about it and wasn't in the mood to be optimistic about things, which is understandable.

P.S I'm actually gonna show her this thread tonight guys because she seems to think I'm the crazy one here.

AARRRGH

Jaysus, she's the cheating type - you have enough evidence to know this for sure.

Get rid of her to spare yourself the heartbreak.

seamus

The first thing I thought of was, "having her cake". She wants to have you there as her stable, loyal, loving boyfriend, and have another male who she can enjoy a steamy, forbidden, exciting relationship with, even if they don't actually do anything physical. But they probably will in the end, some night when you've just had a fight, or she's drunk and feely horny.

Yes, you probably love her, but she has little or no respect for you and just likes having you around as the guy who dotes on her and treats her like a princess.

Get rid of her now, as this is not going to end well. Your past experience has already shown you that whether or not you "approve" of her seeing this guy, she's going to go ahead and see him anyway.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

The first thing I thought of was, "having her cake". She wants to have you there as her stable, loyal, loving boyfriend, and have another male who she can enjoy a steamy, forbidden, exciting relationship with, even if they don't actually do anything physical. But they probably will in the end, some night when you've just had a fight, or she's drunk and feely horny.

Yes, you probably love her, but she has little or no respect for you and just likes having you around as the guy who dotes on her and treats her like a princess.

Get rid of her now, as this is not going to end well. Your past experience has already shown you that whether or not you "approve" of her seeing this guy, she's going to go ahead and see him anyway.

My thoughts exactly seamus. I still want to be with her, in the relationship with her, I love her. But it just písses me off so much that she has the nerve to 1. go back on her word and 2. even consider causing me discomfort and emotional pain for some guy she's never even met in real life before. She has been okay with putting him before my own comfort. I also agree, once we have a fight and we 'break up', she'll inevitably be hanging out with him at some stage and something could potentially happen. That's life.

I dunno what to do, I'm deep in love with this girl but last night just made me think twice about my future.

Barracudaincork

On a break, off a break, on a break, off a break......................doesnt sound like a healthy relationship anyhow, so you are both better off without each other.

LegacyUser

It must be said there is definitely some sound advice in this thread guys, cheers - I'll let her have a gander tonight.

davmol

Position her in your hall.take 5 steps back,take a run up behind her and boot her out your front door for good.if she comes back tar and feather her.....................thats a very similar situation to my cousins and it led down a very sour path