Paranoia when BF goes out without me

LegacyUser

ok this might be a bit of a long one. i was with my 1st bf from the ages of 15-20, he dumped me for someone else and it took a long time to get over. i was single for a year and then started seeing my current boyfriend. we've been together 2 years now,i'm 23 and he's 20. we're best friends and I love him very much, and he tells me he loves me too,although occasionally we go through really bad patches but we always pull through because we want to make it work. recently though he's started wanting to go out with his friends more, he says he misses them because he used to see them several times a week and then we started going out.I completely understand this, I have no problem with him seeing his friends. I trust him, at least I tell myself I do, but when he goes out without me I just cannot stop worrying.About where he is,who he's with (I know he just goes out with the lads but I worry about girls approaching them etc), what they're doing etc. I might get one text from him the whole night and that's it.not that i expect him to sit texting me all night as if he were sitting at home. He tends to drink a lot when he's out and I worry about him not being able to say no if somebody does try anything,even dancing. He's going out Saturday night (even though Saturday is "our" night) and I just know I won't be able to sleep even though I have to be up for work on Sunday, i'll be lying awake worrying about him and what he's doing.it's driving me nuts that I feel this way, help!!

LegacyUser

im the same. im always paranoid when my gf goes out. she cant control her drink and i always have thoughts of her messing with other guys. she once said "i havent a clue what I do when im pissed"....she is no more my gf cause the paranoia got the best of me.
Im following this thread carefully as i need info also
Your not alone worriedgf

petethebrick

You need to pull yourself together. It's important for all lads to enjoy nights out with just their mates. Especially seeing as he's only twenty! Having saturday night as 'our night' is more of a thing for when you're older I reckon. Do you go out with your friends often? It's all about striking a happy balance - he has his nights out, you have yours and of course you have nights out together.

You say you only get the one text when he's out for the night - why would you expect a text at all when you know he's out with his mates????

Unless you have something to base your feelings of insecurity on you're just going to have to toughen up and trust him. It will be healthier for your relationship in the long run if you both have time to yourselves like he's doing from time to time

tolteq

When i think of all the girls there are in the world. I dont really worry if one i am with runs off. I used to. But it just is enough to give you blood pressure!

So my suggestion is to just let it slide. You'll get a good nights sleep. Get paid for your work on sundays and find somebody else.

You know there are thousand of single fellas. Look up at another poster there in the forum today. He says he cant find a woman at all!!!!! He said he want a steady gf.

So my advice, a) stop worrying bout this other guy. b) find someone else.

star-pants

Tbh I don't really worry if a guy I'm dating goes out with his friends. I like that they see their friends, without me, because guys/girls need that. I usually would get a text or two and that's nice, but if I don't it's probably because they're drunk/yapping with the lads/having fun.
Sure one guy I was dating went to a birthday and there was a stripper/lapdancer girl there, he told me about it but it didn't bother me. The guy is dating *you* noone else. He's going out with his friends, so just trust him. Otherwise you're going to be up the wall every time he's out of your sight and it'll just cause massive issues in the future.

AngryBadger

People have a tendency to suffer the illusion that if we know enough about someone or something then we have some kind of security. This is wrong. While it can be true to say that the more you know the better you're eqiupped to make a judgement about a situation, you're never 100 % informed, and the information you do have is never 100 % accurate.

You say that when your bf goes out without you you worry sick about every little detail, will other girls talk to him, will he be able to resist flirting etc. etc. What's the point of this exactly? If he did cheat, you would only know for sure if he admitted it to you. Even if by some random fluke you discovered something that suggested infidelity, it wouldn't prove anything. So in effect you're tormenting yourself for bugger all reason.

Your decision here is straight forward. You either decide to trust this guy until he gives you reason to think otherwise, or you break-up with him and find someone you feel you can trust. Because at this point if you're going to continue being this way you're going to ruin the relationship.

villains77

hi all. well as i found out through a past experience. i was going out with this woman who lived dow nthe country and i live up in dub and she wouldnt trust me when i was out with my mates, and she be asking me the 20 qs the next morn who was i out with where i go. etc etc. i never once cheated o her and never had any intentions either. but when she goes out id get drunkin texts and calls at 4 in the morn, little did i know she was up to now good with half the town she lived in havent spoken with her in 3 yrs and never want to again . you really have to have trust in a r'ship for it to work out. good luck with it. hope it works out

Call me Socket

You're kidding yourself if you think you trust your bf and that it's the other girls hitting on him that you don't trust....and the drink, and who's talking to him...
It's him you don't trust.
And he hasn't given you any reason to suspect him of any wrongdoing.

This is about your self esteem and self image. They're at the bottom of a pit. Your bf can't change that, it's something you need to work on yourself.

You opened the thread with what is obviously an explanation, what you think is the justification for feeling the way you do.... "i was with my 1st bf from the ages of 15-20, he dumped me for someone else and it took a long time to get over...." So I think you have placed all the responsibility of your present lack of trust squarely on the shoulders of your ex. You can't deal with your emotions and move on in life if you blame someone or something in the past for your present day problems. It's the easy way out....he's an ex, you don't see him anymore, therefore it's out of your control, he damaged you and there's nothing can be done about it.

The issue is how you view your worth. You think your bf sees you the same way you see yourself, so you wonder why he loves you, why he puts up with you.... sound familiar?
The only person that can heal you....is you.
Concentrate on yourself, not your boyfriend. Consider seeing a clinical psychologist to get to the root of this and work through it.

I'd also recommend 2 books to read- 'The Road Less Travelled' and 'The Secret'

Best of luck