Can or Do Ex's Reconcile With Time Apart??

Paddy084

Hey All.

Im just wondering peoples thoughts on the chances of ex's reconciling further down the road after a breakup, especially if it was after a long term relationship.

Basically Im out of a 8.5year relationship about 2.5 months. She broke up with me with the line I love you but I'm not in love with you. I decided to give her space and leave her alone after the break instead of pesturing and annoying her, I didnt want to do the begging or pleading thing althougj I had to restrain myself from doing so many times. So there was basicaly no contact after the split till around the 2 month mark when we met mainly so things wouldnt be as akward when we eventually do meet eachother out with mutual friends. She said that she still feels the same way and it would be nice to be friends one day but doesnt think that we will be able to reach that stage from quite some time.
I sort of agreed. I told her that I didnt want her in my life as a friend. I wanted to be able to move on and that I wouldnt be able to completely do that with her in my life, so I dont want friendship with her regardless. Id prefer to hold the memory I have of her in my head rather than remembering things as been awkward and distance between us whenever we do meet in the future.

I myself have made great progress with moving on, although I was reluctant to do so at the start cause I was still in love and I suppose I still am, but what else are you suppose to do when your partner tells you this. I really believe she has a dose of grass is greener without realising it, but myself and others have noticed a change in her over the last year after we shared some amazing experiences together.

However Im just wondering does anyone believe or have similar situations that even if you are told that we are deffeniately over, this time its different than a silly fight, can an ex regret their decision as the months go on and on. Can they realise that maybe the grass wanst greener and they let something go that they didnt appreciate till time went on and on. And if they do feel regret, do they come back?

Would love to hear peoples thoughts and opinions on this.

Thanks All. And any advice would be really appreciated.

star-pants

Paddy084 wrote: »

She broke up with me with the line I love you but I'm not in love with you.

....She said that she still feels the same way and it would be nice to be friends one day but doesnt think that we will be able to reach that stage from quite some time.
.....

I myself have made great progress with moving on, although I was reluctant to do so at the start cause I was still in love and I suppose I still am, but what else are you suppose to do when your partner tells you this. I really believe she has a dose of grass is greener without realising it, but myself and others have noticed a change in her over the last year after we shared some amazing experiences together.

I've just highlighted the things that stand out to me.
She's not *in* love anymore, she still after time apart wants to just be friends and you yourself have said she's changed over the past year.
You guys were together a long time granted, but people change over time. I know a friend of mine broke up with his gf of 7-8 years for the same reason, no longer 'in love'. And a few months later there's no change and I don't believe there will be.

You've done the hard work of moving on and that's what you need to do. Whether or not there's a sliver of a chance she may change her mind you can't think like that, it'll cripple you.

Keep with the no contact and keep moving forward like you have. I'm sure people have stories of getting back together after time apart and it working or not working, but the main point behind it is that you can't hold out for that. If it happens it will. But you have to live in the right now, and right now, she's gone and won't be back.

tolteq

wow. hard drive. 8 1/2 years you say?

How do you think you will cope with this situation if what you want doesnt come to pass?

Wibbs

Paddy084 wrote: »

Im just wondering peoples thoughts on the chances of ex's reconciling further down the road after a breakup, especially if it was after a long term relationship.

It depends on so many factors but yes they can. They usually don't and wishing for it and not moving on IMHO guarantees they won't.

OK may I say first off, I admire your restraint in not pushing her and backing off. I really do. Few people could do that and as I say kudos where kudos is due. I doubt I could after 8 odd years and I can detach easy enough.

OK my 2 cents.

She broke up with me with the line I love you but I'm not in love with you.

Like star-pants said this is the bit that stands out. I would say in the vast majority of splits this is the reason given and the reason behind it. Now this is my take on it translation wise. It's very similar to "I like you as a friend" to someone new who has just pledged their affection. Translation, as I say IMHO is "I don't fancy you anymore. I've lost the spark". It means the person doesn't find you attractive romantically in the long or short term sense. They can really love you, but basically if they don't want to jump your bones, game over. I would say this is said by more often by women than men, at least in my experience. I've known people to stay with people they barely liked but if that spark was there they stayed.

Now in your case the only way she'll come back to you romantically is if she gets that attraction for you back, or she feels she can't do any "better" and you're the backup plan. You do not want to be the latter, for obvious reasons.

To be the former, you have to have time apart. We're likely talking many months or even years here. Enough time for whatever caused her to lose that feeling to be forgotten. Even if it was just simple boredom. There's always a reason though and there's usually a succession of events that leads up to her looking at you in a different way. Often that realisation comes suddenly too. You hear guys saying that women "let themselves go" usually physically after they feel safe in a relationship, well I would say that men equally tend to let themselves go only moreso emotionally. They get mired in a rut and the status quo. They do that long enough and the woman can feel stuck in the same rut. they'll usually tell you it's happening too, but again usually you'll miss it until way down the line in retrospect. I know I have. More than once.

This is not to say it's all on your head. Not even close. Still I would examine first where you feel you may have dropped the ball. It may be too close to the time now, but the answer is there. I would then look at her and her input into this as she had a part to play too, even if it was by not telling you what she was feeling.

So how do you increase your chances of reconcilliation and moving forward? By moving forward. Fair play as you say you're doing that already to some degree. Keep doing so. You have to feel that the relationship you had is over as it is. This does not mean a new relationship couldn't start with you again, but the old one is gone. Let go of the past and you've a better chance of a future.

I wish you the best of luck and contentment in that future whatever it brings you.

Karen_*

If you keep the thought going that you might get back together then its going to take you longer to get over this. You might get back together but you probably won't. And do you really want someone who went off to see if the grass was greener? No you don't.

Awayindahils

One of the worst things that you can do is not let yourself get over her. I completely understand the feeling of just not wanting to get over someone, but it just holds you back, safe, familiar and comfortable as that place feels.

You're holding out hope that she's going to change her mind - when people get back together its because they have both changed. You're still in the same place. If you do get back together, you both need to be in new places, and in order to do that you need to let go. And I understand how scary that feels, because your worried that she'll come back one day and you'll feel differently than you do now, and the person that you are at the moment, the person who is currently in love with her, can't imagine not being able to say yes to her. Moving on makes not wanting her in that future place a reality, or a potential reality, and thats scary.

Good luck.

Paddy084

tolteq wrote: »

wow. hard drive. 8 1/2 years you say?

How do you think you will cope with this situation if what you want doesnt come to pass?

Hi all. Thanks for the replies and advice.

In relation to the above question, although at the moment I do feel that I would love to reconcile with her at some stage in my life I have accepted that it is deffinately over and I'm not holding onto this in a way that is preventing me from moving on. Yes a few weeks ago before we met up I probably was as I didnt know what she was thinking or feeling since she broke up with me, well thats all I was doing really was hoping that somehow she would come to a realisation that she made a mistake. However she was quite clear that her feelings hadnt changed and we wouldnt be getting back together. Although it was a bit sad to hear (end of a wonderful era for me), it was a relief aswell beacuase I could let go of that hope and finally move on cause now I knew where I stood.

Yes I still love her and I think there will always be a little part of me that will always love her beacuse we were childhood sweet hearts, first loves, first everything and done all our growing up together. We experienced alot in our realtionship together and she will probably not be able to experience some of these again with any other future partner she may have. However as I said I'm not stopping myself from moving on, why would I when she was obviously so clear about her feelings, it would be stupid to hold onto hope when she already distinguished it, I would just be killing myself if I just waited for her to get whatever she needs to out of her system and then she may not even come back anyways. So I'm deffeniately not holding on. Im starting to have more good days rather than bad ones which is obviously looking good for me.

I was basically just curious and as some of use said with time, and when I say time, months and maybe years after the breakup of a LT relationship can your ex come back. If things arnt going great in their lifes or even if they are and they remember you and your memories together can this make them question their decision to break the relationship off especially in my case where they tell you 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. And if so would they contact you and tell you outright? Its just I have heard with women especially who are the dumpers that thay have actually detached themselves possibly months before the breakup actually happens, but it may actually hit them a litter harder down the road after they thought they were completely over their ex and leave them feeling uncertain about their decision to end things.
I have heard a few situations where long term partners break up and reconcile down the road, even when the dumper was actually repulsed having sex with the dumpee just prior to the breakup.

Just wanted to hear other peoples thougths. And I suppose me moving on is the best thing to do for it to ever happen, but as I said Im not holding onto this hope....just interested in opinions and wondering can it happen in this situation.

StormWarrior

Well just from my own experience. When I dumped my boyf I was a little apprehensive about it, unsure. I too was no longer in love and wanted pastures new. He harboured hopes of us getting back together, but the longer I was away from him the more sure I became that I would never go back. We had been together for several years with talk of marriage etc prior to this. She's not in love with you any more and has effectively told you that she doesn't even want to be friends. I know she said one day but not for a long time... it sounds like she doesn't want contact with you any more and was trying to phrase it a bit more politely. I think you should just get on with your life and take advantage of the single life.

LegacyUser

I think everyone goes through a phase of wondering have they done the right thing and harbouring thoughts of going back - even the one who ended the relationship, after all it was a long time to share your life with someone. It's almost two years since I ended my last serious relationship and I still sometimes have days where I miss him like hell and wonder would it work if we got back together. But it wouldn't - it ended for a reason.

You'll always have the good memories and all the shared experiences but what you have to do now is dust yourself off and look to the future for the time being.

You won't do yourself any favours by dwelling on the fond memories right now, you have to try to put them out of your head. You'll still have all those memories in a few months and a few years, when you can look back and enjoy them when you're on a more stable footing emotionally. For now though, you have to get yourself excited about the future and start making plans for how you're going to go forward.