Coping With Someone Long Term Unemployed

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

The GF has been unemployed now about 8 months. Gradually her self confidence is being eroded and I'm worried for her health and the state of our relationship. She has filled out more job applications than I can count, if we hear of anything going we immediately sit down at the computer, go over her CV and fill out an application. She's gotten out on foot handing out CV's but alot of places are refusing to take CV's at the moment.

I'm finding it hard to keep her spirits up. I try to reassure her that she is not the only one in this situation and that there are thousands more like her. I've suggested that when she's not looking for a job she should pursue a hobby or volunteer some time with a charity.
She doesn't seem to have the motivation for anything, she's in a poor state feeling sorry for herself. She wants to work desperately but with so few jobs actually available she's not having any luck.

We're not well off but we're not starving either. Between a pay cut and the new levies I'm taking home about 15% less very month and she is claiming the job seekers benefit. We can pay the bills but have no disposable income (we're renting). I don't see this as too bad and I try to use that to reassure her that we'll be fine.

When I get home from work she wants me to sit on the couch and talk to her. I don't get a chance to unwind. We sit, we have some food, talk and then it's off to bed. I understand she has no-one to talk to during the day and so wants my attention in the evening. It's fine but as I said I don't get a chance to unwind myself.

I've tried to keep her motivated, I reassure her, I suggest things she could do when she's not looking for a job but she is truely down in the dumps and I'm worried for her. It doesn't help that she is quite an emotional person anyway. If this recession is going to last several years I don't know how we'll cope.

Is anyone else here living with someone who is unemployed? What's their outlook in regards to it, how are they coping with it? How are you keeping them motivated?

Puddleduck

Unemployment seriously sucks. Ive been there, and Im facing it again soon.

It eats away at you. Total boredom, then self doubt. The longer it goes on the worse it gets.
Keep encouraging her to do things, tell her how capable she is. That by volunteering it will look better on her C.V. and get her out and talking to people so she dosent feel so lonely during the day. Maybe even try do a FAS course and upskill.

Right now shes probably feeling very down, and a little neglegted by you. Not that this is your fault, this is just how it seems to her.

LegacyUser

I'm in your gfs position now, in fourth month of unemployment and its really getting to me. I've also done everything 'right', taken the initiative, contacted companies, brushed up my presentation. And nothing. I'm into fitness but its solitary stuff and you can't fill all the hours of the day that way. I'm turning into a couch slouch too. My life feels totally pointless at the moment. I've looked into voluntary work as everyone say but TBH the reality is that roles need a certain amount of commitment of at least a few months - with training provided/building relationships with 'clients'. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking it on unless I made that commitment and Anyway, what if I get a new job? Decide to immigrate?

Last night my OH was feeling like and he said what I need to do is get out and walk into town everyday, have a coffee and walk home. So thats what I'm going to do right now. At least it'll get me out of my track suit!

star-pants

I sympathise with you and your gf Kintaró -- I've been unemployed since about mid september. I've been driven demented with boredom/monotony. I live at home so I was helping out a lot with the kids/school/dogs etc. But I did love to escape to my then bfs, just even watching a movie with him improved my mood, and I'm sure it's the same for your gf. But I do understand how you're stressed yourself, my ex was working long hours and almost two jobs but I tried to not unload on him, just to be there maybe help him relax.

Being stuck indoors is very crap for the soul, I know on days when I get the energy (i've been sick on and off) to go out I usually enjoy it. If she can afford to join a gym or a swimming class or something that'd be beneficial. Or a FAS course would be good too, you can do online ones, daytime or evening time ones and they're not bad.

Even getting her to do things like organise stuff around the house, sort out that room you've always wanted to. The main thing with being out of work, apart from the demoralising of not getting anywhere, is the boredom, the lack of structure, lack of routine. I always feel better on days I have routine, something to do, somewhere to go, whether it's to the dog shop for puppy food or getting petrol or posting stuff or doing that pile of ironing that's been looking to kill me for days.

It's not easy on either of you, and you're very understanding towards her and I'm glad she has someone like you there, but don't be afraid to let her know you're stressed too, that you need some down time. Once you're honest with her it'll be ok. You are doing great keeping her spirits up, it's not easy I know.

Nevyn

If she has time can she not look at doing some voluntary work, even two mornings in a local charity shop can make a big difference and get her out and about and meeting people.

Kintarō Hattori

Puddleduck wrote: »

Right now shes probably feeling very down, and a little neglegted by you. Not that this is your fault, this is just how it seems to her.

I can't imagine she's feeling neglected by me. I spend all my free time with her, every minute of it until she heads to bed. Even then I lie down with her until she's gone to sleep and then get up for maybe an hour, only I'm too tried then to do anything.

star-pants wrote: »

Being stuck indoors is very crap for the soul, I know on days when I get the energy (i've been sick on and off) to go out I usually enjoy it. If she can afford to join a gym or a swimming class or something that'd be beneficial. Or a FAS course would be good too, you can do online ones, daytime or evening time ones and they're not bad.

Even getting her to do things like organise stuff around the house, sort out that room you've always wanted to. The main thing with being out of work, apart from the demoralising of not getting anywhere, is the boredom, the lack of structure, lack of routine.

It's not easy on either of you, and you're very understanding towards her and I'm glad she has someone like you there, but don't be afraid to let her know you're stressed too, that you need some down time. Once you're honest with her it'll be ok. You are doing great keeping her spirits up, it's not easy I know.

Thanks star-pants, very encouraging words. I've always stressed to her that structure and routine are important (even when she was working) but she's one of these people who just doesn't do things that way.

There are a few things that need to be done around the house so I suppose I can suggest to her that maybe she can organise things a little, try and improve our living space. There are some boxes of crap that need sorting out in the kitchen, the small room upstairs needs a net curtain. It's not going to take her an age to do but it is something.

One thing which is difficult for her and which I mentioned once or twice before on boards is that she doesn't have any hobbies so she has nothing to focus on. I'm a big fan of photography so I've suggested she could take the camera and go have fun- it's not an idea she's warmed to though.

Thaedydal wrote: »

If she has time can she not look at doing some voluntary work, even two mornings in a local charity shop can make a big difference and get her out and about and meeting people.

Hi Thaedydal. I have suggested this to her but she doesn't seem to keen on it, I think she's a little ashamed at being unemployed and other people knowing this. I'll keep pushing it to her though as I think it'd be great for her and would do her the world of wonder.

I know it's difficult but you should encourage her to see this as an opportunity rather than a total misery. I know when you're unemployed, the smallest tasks seem enormous and it seems to take way too much effort to go outside, but you really have to force yourself. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't let her feel too sorry for herself, or you feel too sorry for her. After all, she's lucky enough to have somewhere to live and food to eat and an understanding boyfriend! If you are paying all the bills, then you should be firm in expecting her to sort out stuff in the house, do the shopping, whatever. Yea it's boring, but it's better than staying in bed or watching TV all day.

I barely have any work at the moment either (I freelance) and I am under serious pressure for the rent/bills, but I try to have a routine. I go to bed and get up at 'normal' times, as if I had a job. I write a list of chores to do each day - laundry, shopping, job applications, whatever, and make sure they're all done before noon. Then I spend a couple of hours trying to brush up on my language skills and computer skills, stuff that will eventually make me more employable. Then I can go window shopping or meet a friend without feeling guilty about having wasted the day. I'm also using this time for things I never had time for before, like reading, drawing and picking up a few new hobbies like photography. You said your gf isn't into this, but there must be something she'd find interesting.

But honestly, I wouldn't be TOO understanding because it will most likely make her feel more sorry for herself. Sometimes people need a bit of a kick up the arse, I know I do, otherwise it's too easy to sit back and moan all the time.

vorbis

I've only been laid off once before, fortunately the economy was a lot better at the time. I can understand the self pity part. Did that myself for the first few weeks. However to continue it after that is not on. OP, she needs to snap out of this malaise. Its not acceptable behaviour. Its no fun being unemployed but its not the end of the world either. What is she doing all day? She needs to go do something, volunteer work, hobby, training, anything! Her current approach is not fair on you.

ogriofa

Be very carefull with this...

"There are a few things that need to be done around the house so I suppose I can suggest to her that maybe she can organise things a little, try and improve our living space. There are some boxes of crap that need sorting out in the kitchen, the small room upstairs needs a net curtain. It's not going to take her an age to do but it is something."

- she could feel like punishment - I wouldnt do this. You could start doing some DIY and maybe get her to help?

Hiya - don't forget to have down time.
I had a hard time when the .com bubble burst.

Go for a loonnnnggg drive some saturday with a picnic (cheap) and take time off thinking about it. Eg. Saturday night get a bottle of wine and a DVD, sit on the couch and don't think about it untill sunday morning. You can't do anything about it on a saturday night.

Rules for saturday night : You can think about it, but you can't talk about it unless its possitive.

Love the Voluntary work suggestion - 100%!

Best of luck - keep at it

And lets not forget you either - make yourself happy too (maybe she can help here too!! )

Turty3

I'm also living with someone who's unemployed so I can totally relate to your feelings. I'm trying hard to stay positive on their behalf and constantly reassure them that the job situation is beyond their control at this time, there's nothing to blame themself for.

I work in FAS so I meet people who are out of work every day. I don't talk about the numbers of unemployed when I get home, we don't watch the news, question time, prime time or anything related to the recession and we use our tv time to watch escapist, forgettable shows; no documentaries about the global economy! Once a fortnight we go to the cinema, my treat, and we make sure to get outdoors at least for one afternoon over the weekend.

I completely understand the pressure this situation puts on your relationship and I recommend using a friend's ear to unload when things get tense for you. Whatever you do, don't get annoyed with your gf; bite your tongue hard and go tell a friend. From my experience, when someone's feeling low, their self-esteem's wavering and they're sensitive, everything you say can be turned into an attack in their mind - it'll cause more trouble than it's worth.

You absolutely need to take time out for yourself but I recommend you do it after work rather than at the weekend when your gf expects to hang out the whole time. Maybe take yourself for a quiet coffee/pint, read the paper/book and go home an hour later than usual.

Blogger50

Some fantastic advise so far everyone! :D

I can only ad my two cents from being in the same situation. I am in my fourth month unemployed now and without the support of my other half would have gone mental. We own our house so have all the usual bills, but we are okay. No disposable income but have food and a roof over our head!
This is what I do to keep occupied when I am not applying for jobs!
I too make a list of what needs to be done each day. I put everything onto the list, including the stuff you would do every day anyway like the washing or whatever. I always keep the list handy and seem to add as much as I cross off! :rolleyes:
Get out of the house once a day, even if its just to the shop for milk!
I have been painting in the house. One room every few weeks.
Make a list of all those things that need to be done that get put on the long finger. For example I recently organised all our photos into albums. Today I sorted out a drawer full of costume jewellery thats been congealing together for years! :pac:
Tomorrow its clean the windows (in between rain showers), hoover the car, tidy a wardrobe etc.
I also make a point of not turning on the TV during the day. Its too easy to get sucked in to it! I listen to music instead.
Today I also got out the phone book, red book, independant directory etc and found 25 companies in the industry I worked in (all within 30 mins drive). I sent out 25 CVs so fingers crossed. This worked for me a few years ago (Pre Boom).

Best of luck OP.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

milod

I've been there myself - four unpleasant months. I did a little DIY, plenty of cycling, and a lot of sofa time.

Let's just say that without some 'tough-love' from her-indoors I might have spent far more time on the sofa.

The problem for you is determining just how much tough love is required... But to be frank it seems like your g/f is maybe a little too self-pitying at the moment and needs a jolt to snap out of the navel-gazing that inevitably comes with too much time to think.

The main issue here is getting her out of the house in some way, be it a FAS course, or some form of employment scheme. She sounds like the sort of person that needs some sort of routine imposed - I know I am and that's what prevented me sinking completely...

Kintarō Hattori

Thanks for all the great advice so far folks. I've already started putting it into practice. We've been out each evening so far this week. I've got stuff planned for the bank holiday weekend and I've been instigating a 'little' tough love.

StormWarrior

Can't she do a few hours a day of free work at a company in the industry that she would like to get into? If she's already employed in the industry, even on a voluntary basis, it could be easier to get a paid job from there as she'll gain experience and she also won't be bored. For example, my sister wanted to be a journalist and so worked for free at a magazine, doing the tea etc.

Elphaba

milod wrote: »

Let's just say that without some 'tough-love' from her-indoors I might have spent far more time on the sofa.

QUOTE]

Hi Milod, Can I ask exactly what was said to you that had an impact? My OH is unemployed since Feb. He's grown very partial to the couch. He doesn't talk about the situation it that much and whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets V defensive and ends up in a mood. Sometimes it's like he's p1ssed at me for still having a job. I know he's not feeling great about himself at the moment and I try to be positive and stuff but I dunno if I'm just takin the wrong apporach or what. Also I dunno if this is really selfish but I feel like when I come home, if I've had a crappy day I can't even mention it so we're both gettin stressed. I know, unfortunately, that there's so many people in our position, any advice appreciated.
Thanks