What to do?

LegacyUser

I'm in a relationship with this girl for a few months now, she wants to move in together but i'm not sure if i should stay with her, she borrows money off me to the point where i'm broke and uses the excuse of being on the dole for not paying it back, now i have no problem if someones short but when i can't even afford fags or lunch at work it starts to become a problem, she gets very nasty towards me when i ask for it back even a small porition of it, enen when she has the money to spare. she makes me feel like crap and i'm very quiet so find it hard to stick up for myself. her last boyf was very abusive, i think some of it has rubbed off on her. i'm happy with her but she really makes me feel bad when she goes off on a rant and can really cut to the bone. i don't think we should move in together. i don't know if i can face being on my own again. i really feel like i can't say what i want to her without her snapping.

shellyboo

Well, first of all, stop lending her money. Say you can't afford it or that you don't have it.

Second of all, you don't sond very happy at all... why are you still with this girl? You most certainly shouldn't be moving in with her since you're so unsure about it; and she obviously can't afford it either.

Latchy

Moving in with this girl sounds like a bad idea OP .If she's screwing you for money now like this what will it be like when she's living with you ?

Chocoholic84

The fact that you're asking us if we think you should move in with her says it all really.

When my b/f suggested we move in together, I was so happy and excited, and the last thought on my mind was, "Oh no, I better ask people on Boards what I should do!"

You know it'd be a bad thing, and this girl sounds like a pure scrounger, plain and simple. Do NOT give her any more money from this point on. And justt break up with her. You don't need a leech like that in your life.

LegacyUser

Do not move in with her. If she's borrowing money off you now imagine what it would be like if you were living together. You'd end up paying for everything

bluecell99

She sounds a nasty piece of work to be honest.Why are you afraid of being on your own?You will meet somebody equal and who will respect you for you.She is a user and will drag you down big time.

Drop her and under no circumstances move in with her.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

she makes me feel like crap

This is your answer in a nutshell.
Why are you allowing her to make you feel this way - so what if she was in an abusive relationship before - this is not an excuse for you to be in one now.

You should not be scared about being alone - sounds like it could do you some good. Until you really know yourself how can you really expect to find a partner who you know will make you happy.

Either way - that aside - you need to kick her to the curb now.
Move in me a**e; tell her to faff off and grow up.

milod

Unregistered wrote: »

i don't know if i can face being on my own again. i really feel like i can't say what i want to her without her snapping.

Work on your self-esteem OP. See someone, perhaps a counsellor, if necessary. Your statement above is scary. Essentially you are saying "This is the best I can do and I'd rather be with a selfish and abusive partner than on my own"

Until you're convinced you can do better, you will find it hard to change. Right now you're facing the possibility of years of misery with a 'user'.

Don't let her move in. Stop lending her money. Start working on why you feel you're worth so little.

ManOfMystery

I'd also suggest OP that you learn to stand up to her and don't be scared of saying no. It sounds like you're doing anything for a quiet life now but don't be frightened of asserting yourself.

Wibbs

I agree with ManOfMystery, if you do things for the quiet life you can almost guarantee you won't have one.

Unregistered wrote: »

she gets very nasty towards me when i ask for it back even a small porition of it, enen when she has the money to spare.

Strike one against

she makes me feel like crap

Strike two.

and i'm very quiet so find it hard to stick up for myself.

You really need to start or muppets like this will keep pushing you. You don't need to go all rambo on her, just a simple and calm "no" would suffice. The first time will be hard but it will get easier and you need to learn it. If she kicks off on a rant, realise it's childish behavior, treat it and her as such, ignore it and walk away until she calms down.

her last boyf was very abusive, i think some of it has rubbed off on her.

I'd say the last boyfriend was abusive, but that level of control is what she's used too and indeed likes. She may well be pulling this guff with you to make you react more like him. This isn't a very "PC" thing to say and it's only my opinion, but quite a few women(and I'm sure men too) need to be emotionally dominated and led by the men in their lives. They will rarely admit it for various reasons but they feel happier that way. Though rather than ending up with a balanced naturally dominant man they tend to end up with bullies and insecure abuser types.

i'm happy with her

OK lets examine why you might feel happy with her. I would say it boils down to; "I have a girlfriend so I'm OK as a man now/I get emotional attention from her sometimes/I get sexual attention from her". That would be my take anyway.

but she really makes me feel bad when she goes off on a rant and can really cut to the bone.

Because she doesn't respect you. She knows you'll do nothing about it. She knows you won't leave. Keep that going and she'll be the one leaving, though that'll be good for you emotionally and as a learning exercise.

i don't think we should move in together.

I agree.

i don't know if i can face being on my own again. i really feel like i can't say what i want to her without her snapping.

The first sentence is precisely why the second sentence is correct.

I've said this before and I'll say it again to both genders too, but a lot of men in particular need to hear it IMHO; women are everywhere. They're not special as a group. When a commodity makes up 50% of the population, how is that special? Yes one woman can be special to you and should be, but don't automatically give a woman special treatment beyond basic manners and respect you would give to anyone. Don't give a woman special treatment just because she's a woman and don't disrespect yourself just because she's a woman. They're not going extinct and out there are many many women, theoretically millions, that will treat you and themselves with respect and affection. So why out of all those better women in every way are you with one that treats you like this? The day you realise that the real special commodity in this world is you and not a member of the opposite sex by default is the day you'll be a happier chappy. Any woman in your future will be happier too as she'll know you are with her by choice and not out of fear.

My 2 cents anyway.

Sephiroth_dude

My god she sounds like a right bully,you dont sound happy yourself get out asap and for the love of god man for your own sanity do not move in with her.

StormWarrior

Sounds like the only reason she wants to live with you is so that you can fund her lifestyle and she gets a financial claim on you.

Oh The Humanity

Dont let the fear of being alone allow you to continue putting up with this abusive parasite.

If she can't pay you back then she should NOT borrow in the first place.

Do NOT lend her any more money, you are NOT financially responsibl for anyone other than yourself.

Do NOT move in with her. You are clearly afraid of her and have allowed her to control you. She wants to parasite off you even more.

You are afraid of standing up to her in case she snaps. Let her fcuking snap....ON HER OWN.

Break up with her on neutral territory and walk away. You dont have to put up with this excuse for a girlfriend.

Let her rant and rave all she likes, what do you care if you dont have to hear it.

You have to learn to stand up for yourself, people sometimes shout and roar but SO WHAT !

Interestingly once you do learn to stand up for yourself far fewer people try to take advantage.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

she makes me feel like crap

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm happy with her

Strange definition of "happy" if you ask me.....

OP, can you explain how you could possibly include the above two quotes in the one post and both of them be true ?