Help - need to move on

boomerang 143

Hi all,

I know the whole break up thing has been done to death on the forum but Im posting this in the hope that someone can give me some stories of inspiration that will help me move on from the horrible dark place I am in right now.
Broke up with my O.H almost 4 months ago after almost 4 years together. He told me at the time that he just needed some space as he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore and he would like to try being single for awhile. (BTW he is only 26 and I was his second long term relationship). The being single thing as always played a major factor in our relationship I guess it was just bad timing that we met when we did. Now all this I completely understand although the break up itself came as a compete shock as was out of the blue and we hadnt really been having any problems or anything. At the time he said that things were by no means final and he just need some space. I respected this and let him go. Obviously in the back of my mind I thought we would work it out when he got his head sorted.

Roll forward 2 months after the break up when I find out through a friend that he is now in a relationship with someone else and has been since about two weeks after we broke up. Whats worse is that this girl is someone I know and is the complete opposite of everything I am.

Well since I have found this out I have gone into melt down. I really dont know how to deal with it. Ive spend the last month crying nearly every day, I cant sleep, Im not eating properly, I have no motivation to get up in the morning. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. I cant seem to stop obsessing over him and her. What they are doing together, is it places we used to go, things we used to do? What has she got or why is it that she is more special than I am? Did the time we spent together mean absolutley nothing at all? Did he ever love me at all?
I have tried all the usual recommendations, started going to the gym spending time with friends & family, gone on holidays, volunteering etc but nothing seems to take my mind off this. I really am at my wits end as to what to do and am feeling more and more frustrated as I know I am a stronger person than letting this get the better of me. I know lots of people on here sign in everyday with stories of break ups etc and they have all helped and I have tried taken on all the advice that has been given. Im just wondering if anyone who has suffered this long can tell me what it was that eventually flicked that switch and helped them move on? I guess Im looking for some inspiration?

LegacyUser

Hey sister,

I am sorry to hear your pain, I have been there and its not nice, I am a bloke and i dont know how many times i cried over it, but i know you have heard it all before, but time does heel the pain....They say breaking up with someone is a greeving process in the sameway as someone dying on you........But believe me, you will find someone and be happy. happier than you ever were.....
Picture it this way, every relationship in your life is like a piece of chigsaw, in which everytime you are involved with someone, they are helping to build you into the person you will become, and when you become that person, you will find your soulmate How do I know? because I found mine The day will come were you will look back and be grateful that the person in queston let you go because it allowed you to find the person you will end up with......If you want it, you will found it, you just have to have a little faith in yourself before you can have faith in others I know right now you are probably thinking you dont want anyone else, but trust me, it may take 1 2 3 4 or 5 years but you will find happiness again.........I will pray for you lost soul. We lover must stick together

boomerang 143

Thanks for the reply. I do see what your trying to say and I totally get that you should take whatever lessons from each relationship and use them in the future.
Its not that I dont think there will be anyone else or want anyone else, its I just dont see the point. I really dont have any idea what else I could have done to make the relationship work. And thats part of whats killing me cause there must have been something I did wrong or I must have been lacking in something for him to leave me and move on to someone else so quickly. I feel like any relationship I have going forward will be doomed because I must have some inherent flaw that I cant see.
If anyone else has any experience's of getting over this kind of thing that they can share with me. I really have tried everything but I really feel the darkness is overtaking me. Ive been having a lot of sucidal thoughts recently and the only way I can see of ending all the pain is not to go on anymore. I went to the GP today but she really wasnt anyone else. Im kind of posting here in the hope that other peoples stories will help me see that it is possible to get out of this in one piece

LegacyUser

Hello!

I completely understand how you feel right now - as I myself went through a similar 'break-up process' as you. First of all, you must realise that you won't feel like this forever. Time is the ultimate healer in such situations - and it will heal. However, what about now as you go through this pain? Here are a few practical suggestions I can offer, which helped me and may help you...

(1) Exercise. I know you mentioned you're going to the gym now, but it's not helping. Perhaps, try to really focus all your energies during your work out session to push yourself. Take all those obsessive, negative thoughts over your ex and use them for you. Not only will this help you to let out all the negative energy from those thoughts, it will also help to increase your appetite, sleep better and feel better.

(2) Write. Write it out of you! Get a notebook and pen, and let everything out on page. Every feeling of betrayal, hurt - hate! Everything. Just let it all out. Perhaps, allocate half an hour a day, to put down on page how you feel - you'll notice over time, your entries will get shorter, as you gradually recover. Remember - It's very important to express how you're feeling and not let these feelings bottle up, as they'll only inevitably come out in other ways.

(3) A change. I don't know your circumstances, so this may be harder to do, but a change in lifestyle or scene can help so much to stop the constant obsessing - a new change in your life gives you something else to take over your thoughts so to speak. Also, it's something completely unassociated with your Ex. Perhaps, there was always something you wanted to do, but couldn't because you were in a relationship - you mentioned volunteering, but how about volunteering in Africa for 3 months? Or working in Australia for a year? Something that will really challenge you and where you'll meet completely new people who don't even know of your Ex's existence! A change that will become a life-changing experience!

Finally - you may want to consider counselling, personally I did not do this, but you should think about it. It may help you during this time in your life. Break ups are traumatic, so take time to allow yourself to recover!

Do not blame yourself for the relationship breaking up. In my opinion, it sounds like your Ex is trying to deal with this trauma by 'moving on' with someone else (so quickly) - personally I think this is a very unhealthy way of dealing with a relationship breakup and the 'relationship' he is in now will more than likely be doomed. However in contrast - even though it may not seem it, I think you are dealing with all this very well - you have a perfect right to feel very upset and emotional. You're going through the stages and will come out the other end! Promise : )

Take care!

Tchaikovsky

Some great advice above

Personally OP, I talked to my parents, my friends about it... it's said often enough but you do get over it. So many people have been in the same position, but it's a learning curve and you honestly do come out of it stronger.
Initially it's one of the worst feelings, but perhaps things happen for a reason? Perhaps you're better off without someone who does something like that?
Talk to a counsellor if you're feeling suicidal- they won't judge you and can give great advice. It's also great for having an hour to just get everything off your chest.
Keep yourself occupied- do things you enjoy, hang out with friends, watch some comedies, anything to keep your mind off your ex. That was one of the best pieces of advice I got.

emigrant36

hey, i totally feel your pain lady. went through the same thing last year. i got so depressed and was very suicidal, my dad dragged me to the GP who prescribed anti-depressants and i went to counselling for about six months.
Usually i wouldn't have seen myself as someone who needed that kind of help, but it was just the timing.
I had tried to break up with my ex when I finished uni but he talked me into staying with him and staying home...even asking me to marry him. So I did. Then, about 6 weeks later he broke up with me (because he didn't want me to miss out on travelling).

God, my head was a mess!! I had just changed my life plan for him and it had fallen apart it seemed.

But fast forward to today, I'm back to the happy lady I once was! I'm out of that horrible dark hole and actually really excited about my life again.

One blow I've had since was when my ex added me as a friend on facebook and I coouldn't help but nosey at pics, when I realised from dates on photos that he started going out with his next girlfriend when we were still together.
I started asking myself all the questions you listed earlier, but, like other posters pointed out about ur ex's current relationship, it's doomed already. My ex has another failed relationship under his belt.

Look after you, body and soul. You are your priority. Give yourself time to heal and grieve, it is a grieving process.

We are all amazing, wonderful people and someday that jigsaw will click into place!! (mine hasn't yet but I have faith!)

Take care xx
(ps. this may be spiteful but it also helps that my ex hates his life right now... but maybe that's karma??!!)

Squor

Hey OP,
Like a few of the other posters I have been thru this before. I was with a girl for over 4 yrs and she refused to talk to me again, that was 6 yrs ago. I felt depressed, suicidal and all the rest. I never thought I would get out of it,felt how could this happen to me, I am decent ( never cheated etc etc)!!!!!!!!!! But unfortunately for us all, people grow apart. You did nothing wrong, as did I, as did the other posters. Its just the way it goes and its terrible, I know. I found not keeping contact was good as well as not checking out her on bebo, facebook etc.It IS SO HARD TO MOVE ON!!! But you will, as we all do. I am still single, but my work takes a big priority and I have met a girl (who I am still working on!!!!) who I am more crazy about hten any other. There is a future no matter what has happened and the pain now, ya will get better,am sure in future like others have said, ya will be happier than ever before. Please dont feel like ending it all, the future is gonna be great and so are you

LegacyUser

Been there too. Who your ex is with now has absolutely no bearing on who he'll be with in 6 mnths, 6 years or 6 minutes in his case so don't fall for how things appear. Also remember even if you and him are over, it doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't think highly of you, its just we're all on different roads and all our roads are long so don't worry about now, keep doing the right things and one day you'll notice you're fine again!

A change, as the above poster said would probably be a great idea.

Hi OP,
There are certain things i have learnt from the harsh reality of love:

• Time DOES heal
• You can't, nor should you, control the actions of other people
• Your other half wont always see what you see for the future
• Life will get better. More quickly if you take control and make things happen for yourself
• Love is hard work
• and finally, there isn't one true love...there's loads of them.

Like you, i was with someone younger who couldn't see the potentially great future we could have had together. She was naive, inexperienced and uncertain. I am 100% we could have been together happily forever but she didn't see it and probably never will now but what can i do???

I am a much better person for it. I have learnt so much about myself and about relationships. Learnt how to love and learnt that i don't need anyone. Had a few short relationships since but as i now know what i want it hasnt happened cos they aren't right.

Took me 6 months, may take you a year but you'll get there. Certainly going about the right way to speed up the process and get back to your happy place. And when him and his new girl fall apart like a wet piece of kitchen towel (not bounty/plenty....Brenda has shown me the light) try not to gloat!

Be confident in the great person you are. Be strong but cry when you need to. Use your friends to distract you and when you think of them together, think... **** you idiot! It helps :-)

boomerang 143

Hi all

Thanks for al the replies and advice they have really helped me to see that I am not going completely mad. I really thought that I was losing it, it didn't help when I asked the ex if he would talk to me to try and give me some explanations / closure and he pretty much told me to get over it already and move on and that he didnt see why I was still going on about it.

I have taken on board some of the advice offered here. I went to my gp yesterday and got a number for a counsellor as I think it may help me to talk it all out and deal with the low self esteem issue I seem to have. She also perscribed anti- depressents but I am not sure if I want to go down that road. Has anyone got any experience of taking them? Did it help?

Bumble Bee, thanks for the great advice, I started a journal last night and have started trying to write down my feelings in the hope that it will help me get it all out. Would love to do the whole change thing but unfortunately with a mortgage to pay I cant really see a way around being able to up sticks and leave.

Bebo and facebook are a curse. I had to delete my profiles on both to stop me seeing all his posts / changes etc but unfortunately the new barbie doll went and made her pages public meaning I can see everything. I have spent hours obsessing over it seeing all the "I love you " "my boyfriend is the best" etc. I really felt like posting a coment on there to tell her to cop on and realise that he cant bounce on from a four year serious relationship to being in love with someone else in two weeks or send her the e-mail he ent me saying how misreable he was and how he planned on getting un-involved with her as soon as but I decided to be the better person. I have managed to not check her profile for four days now which is a record and one I intend on prolonging.

I am glad to hear that people do move on and get over these things. I know its going to take time but at least today I feel a bit better than yesterday so I am going to hold on to that as a good sign till then

boomerang 143

Thanks again to everyone who has already posted.

Sunflower27 did you find the anti depressants helped?

I thought I was making progress the last few days but I woke this morning and seem to be back to square one again. It's like I try really hard for a few days to do all the right things and it works but I seem to be expecting to wake up one morning and it all be okay and after a couple of days when it doesnt happen I feel like crap again.

Its not like I want him back or anything, I just want to get my life back on an even keel. I just dont seem to have any confidence in myself anymore and I feel worthless.

Karen_*

People don't play out their misery on facebook or Bebo. You don't post up photos of yourself having a nervous breakdown or being sick so both these sites are not an indication of what's actually going on. Its just people showing themselves appearing to have a good time. Don't look at the social networking sites again. Does is hurt when you do that? Don't do that.

Don't look at them and stop obsessing about what they are doing because it doesn't matter. All that matters is how YOU are doing and what's going on in your life and at the moment you're in alot of pain. You're not going mad at all, we've all been there and at some stage everyone gets replaced. Everyone!

I know you think you can't get over this and you might not for quite a while but it will pass and you CAN get over it. Stop letting it upend you.
Stop trying so hard to be over it by tomorrow. Let this take its course and allow yourself to grieve and recover. Gradually things will get better. Don't give up the day before the miracle happens.

boomerang 143

I know its not good to look at social networking sites but its like an addiction I find it very hard to stop. Today its been 1 week since I have logged on to any of them so I guess that is progress.
I know your right that things will improve, its just right now its so hard to believe

Karen_*

Its really hard to stop and its like a compulsion. But what you see there isn't real. People don't post up that they've had an awful row or their other half has just cheated or that they are looking to get out of the relationship. You really don't know whats going on only that their still together and are putting the sunny side forward.

Its so so hard when you don't feel better day after day and worse when you think you're getting better and then get a set back. It feels like it will never end and you'll never be happy and worse that you're destined to be alone forever. Just don't give up because it WILL happen for you. And you'll be a stronger and wiser person for all of this. People get through the most terrible things in life and show great endurance. The break up of a relationship and being replaced is a horrible horrible feeling. Your poor head is going through the mill at the moment but gradually it will change. You'll meet someone else who isn't so changeable as your ex!

emigrant36

Karen makes some really valid points I have to say. The social networking sites are a total compulsion, but she's right, it's people showcasing the better minutes of their lives.

As for the anti-depressants, they did help me. They aren't for everyone, and I'm not a big advocate of covering stuff up with drugs but they did help restore that even keel you were talking about. After a couple of weeks I felt half human again, I could get out of bed in the morning and face the world. I know I wasn't just depressed because of the break-up, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. There probably is lots of other stuff going on in your life aswell, which is why I'd recommend the counselling. The drugs just pick you out of the hole while you sort through your head.

I really feel for you, and please don't think you are going mad. You would genuinely be so surprised at the amount of people who have been where you are. (I work in healthcare so I know what an unbelievable amount of people are taking anti-depressants or have a history of depression).

Obviously it's hard to believe that things will get better right now, so I hope that for you this weekend is the most beautiful summer's weekend and that you can go outside, feel the sun on your skin and hear the birds singing.

Do things that make you feel pretty, wear your nicest clothes and make-up, get a facial, a haircut or a manicure, whatever makes you feel gorgeous. Treat yourself- you're worth it

boomerang 143

Your right people do only post the happy stuff. The worst is I dont even want him to be misreable with her because if he is than all this pain is for nothing. At least in some twisted way if he is happy than at least he has made the right decision for him and one of us will be happy.

At the same time why is life so unfair that it is the person who causes all the hurt that gets to ride off into the sunset happy, while the one who did nothing but good things gets left alone and miserable.

I have got a number of a counsellor and Im going to try and make an appointment for next week. I'm not keen on going on the anti - depressants as Im worried that Ill find it difficult to come off them.

LegacyUser

Boomerang i was with someone for over 5 years, we made love in the morning told me she loved me and then broke up with me that evening.
she strung me along for 6mths then told me she wasnt coming back to me, within a month she was under someone else, within 4mths she had brought him home, and was planning holidays, within 6mths they were virtually living together.

just because they appear to be happy doesnt necessarly mean they are, i personally think that my ex moved so quick with her new man because she wanted to burn all bridges between us.

it brought me to my knees and it took along time to build myself up, but i did and im now a much stronger person as a result of it. i found the councilling very helpful and was encouraged to journal regularly, its amazing the emotions that would come out if you let them.

you need to concentrate on yourself and be good to yourself , No Contact is the way to go and that includes bebo etc. dont worry what your ex is up to , just make a better life for yourself remember they walked out on you.

it will take time, the longer the relationship the longer it will tale , but you will get there, there will be setbacks and you will wonder if you are getting anywhere at all , but if you stay positive and focussed you will get there.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Boomerang i was with someone for over 5 years, we made love in the morning told me she loved me and then broke up with me that evening.
she strung me along for 6mths then told me she wasnt coming back to me, within a month she was under someone else, within 4mths she had brought him home, and was planning holidays, within 6mths they were virtually living together.

just because they appear to be happy doesnt necessarly mean they are, i personally think that my ex moved so quick with her new man because she wanted to burn all bridges between us.

it brought me to my knees and it took along time to build myself up, but i did and im now a much stronger person as a result of it. i found the councilling very helpful and was encouraged to journal regularly, its amazing the emotions that would come out if you let them.

you need to concentrate on yourself and be good to yourself , No Contact is the way to go and that includes bebo etc. dont worry what your ex is up to , just make a better life for yourself remember they walked out on you.

it will take time, the longer the relationship the longer it will tale , but you will get there, there will be setbacks and you will wonder if you are getting anywhere at all , but if you stay positive and focussed you will get there.

Good post that. Especially the part about them walking out on you. Always remember that bit. You don't walk away from someone you love. No ifs or buts really.

Funny I had very similar many moons ago with a woman who did almost the identical thing. Loving nookie in the morning, talk of future etc. By 7 that night she had decided she loved someone else that she first met that afternoon. Oh yes. Nutter. Luckily unlike Unregistered above it was only an 8 month thing so I could detach a lot easier. Though it was a hard rejection to take at the time I can tell you. Turns out she did the same the that next guy too though apparently they were "so in love". Major bullet dodged. We're talking keanu reeves in the matrix level of bullet dodging.

As for public displays of "how great we are" go, I have found that often the more a couple go on like that, the more BS lies just under the surface. I'm not saying this is always the case, or as a way to make you feel better, but it's what I have observed over the years. Give that sudden love type 3 years and get back to me.

boomerang 143

Unregistered wrote: »

Boomerang i was with someone for over 5 years, we made love in the morning told me she loved me and then broke up with me that evening.
she strung me along for 6mths then told me she wasnt coming back to me, within a month she was under someone else, within 4mths she had brought him home, and was planning holidays, within 6mths they were virtually living together.

just because they appear to be happy doesnt necessarly mean they are, i personally think that my ex moved so quick with her new man because she wanted to burn all bridges between us.

it brought me to my knees and it took along time to build myself up, but i did and im now a much stronger person as a result of it. i found the councilling very helpful and was encouraged to journal regularly, its amazing the emotions that would come out if you let them.

you need to concentrate on yourself and be good to yourself , No Contact is the way to go and that includes bebo etc. dont worry what your ex is up to , just make a better life for yourself remember they walked out on you.

it will take time, the longer the relationship the longer it will tale , but you will get there, there will be setbacks and you will wonder if you are getting anywhere at all , but if you stay positive and focussed you will get there.

Wow I thought my OH was cruel in how he went about it. I think it is just the spped that he has moved on that has made me doubt myself and our whole relationship. Maybe Im just naive but I cant understand how you can be with someone for four years and share all the stuff couples do, break up and then two weeks later be deeply involved with someone else. In my eye's he obviously never really loved me in the first place and that just makes me feel like crap.
Im glad to hear the counselling helped, I was worried that if I went to one they would laugh me out of the room and tell me to stop being so ridiculous and get over it just like my OH did.

Karen_*

boomerang 143 wrote: »

At the same time why is life so unfair that it is the person who causes all the hurt that gets to ride off into the sunset happy, while the one who did nothing but good things gets left alone and miserable.

The person who get left behind brokenhearted is the lucky one. They have a great opportunity to make something good come out of what they've been through. This could be the very best thing that has ever happened to you although you don't see it yet.

Just hang in there and have faith and believe in yourself because you can do this. And I know only too well that it can seem that someone who has hurt us and wronged us seems to get rewarded for it. But they don't, not really. It will all come to pass. Just keep saying to yourself that it doesn't matter what he's doing, it doesn't matter if he ever loved you, it doesn't matter what he thinks or if he's happy or not. I know it feels painful now but if I ask you again in two years time does it matter then the answer will be no it doesn't.

I'm truly glad about my breakup. I think it was the best thing to ever happen to me and yeah obviously I didn't enjoy any of the pain or of the other things it brought up but I'm glad it happened. I'm not saying that either from a perspective of someone who is all smug now that loads of great things have happened and has met her soulmate. I'm still going through things but I'm alot better person for it and have much better capacity to accept life on lifes terms and the knocks don't feel so hard anymore. I'm much stronger as a person and thats worth more than being with someone who wasn't right for me and was in reality making me miserable. Never again I tell you!

LegacyUser

hi boomrang

i was in a similar sitution to this and i can tell you all is not what it seems. i was obsessed like you but anway long story short all looked great from the outside but 4 months on he left her because she used him for his money, car used to hit him and he came crawling back to which he got a giant F*** off for himself. 3 years on i couldnt be happier with my new man and of course still getting texts every now and again to see if im still with my new guy.

you need to show him you moved on and dont give a F***.

i found that what helped me is having a good bi*** with my friends talking it over and over again i always got it off my chest and then i started to talk less and less bout it but the worst thing you can do is go on bebo and listen to friends telling you stories about them youll go insane. i found i moved on faster when i told my friends i didnt want to hear about them unless is was bad stuff haha

you will meet someone new you will get over him just give your self time. you should maybe go to Tag rugby games lots of nice boys there

hope you cheer up keep your girlfriends around you and have a good natter

LegacyUser

I'm truly glad about my breakup. I think it was the best thing to ever happen to me and yeah obviously I didn't enjoy any of the pain or of the other things it brought up but I'm glad it happened. I'm not saying that either from a perspective of someone who is all smug now that loads of great things have happened and has met her soulmate. I'm still going through things but I'm alot better person for it and have much better capacity to accept life on lifes terms and the knocks don't feel so hard anymore. I'm much stronger as a person and thats worth more than being with someone who wasn't right for me

Unreg above again, Karen thats exactly the way that i feel as well, my world came tumbling down around me, i picked myself up and got on with healing, and i am a much much better person as a result.

Boomerang i thought prior to my break up that counselling was for wusses, but for me it was great, they dont judge , they just listen and advise and being honest they just help you work out what you know needs to be done. highly recommeded imo.

one thing that my councellor told me was that what i had been through was huge that she had seen it break many a person, she told me that i was strong and not to beat my self up over the fact that i wasnt healing as quick as i wanted. patience is not my forte but it helped to be told that months later it was still ok to be upset.

you cannot control others, only yourself, but the very fact that you can control yourself empowers you. even though someone let you down you still have control over the path that you take. you can wallow in selfpity and wonder what your ex is doing or you can make your life the best it can be.