nsa at first, now she wants more...help!

LegacyUser

I have been out of a relationship of 2 years, my first and only serious relationship and I am still a bit hurt, though I don't think about her as much anymore, but sometimes I do and sometimes it still aches. I went to a dating website, and after a few weeks, I met this girl which I really liked to talk to. We met one day and the next day she came to visit me unexpectedly, she parked in front of my house and kept there waiting for me.... we had dinner at my house and we watched a movie together, when she was leaving to her house, I went with her to her car and I kissed her. The next day she came to visit me, we had sex and since then it's been 2 weeks where we get together everyday. We go out for dinners, we do some car roadtrips and have sex, we talk a lot, several times a day. Texts, etc.

We also kept clear to each other that we wouldn't fall in love, we were just friends and we were having fun. However... she fell in love and although I enjoy A LOT her company, chats and sex with her, but I am not in love with her and can't really seem to see this possibility in short-term, given I am pretty traumatized about my previously failed relationship.

I have been gentleman and treated her just as if I was her real boyfriend, but unfortunately...I think this dragged far too much. I love her, but I don't love her the way she wants me to or the way she does love me.

The problem is that, she's a little bit overweight (which, to be honest, I don't mind) but I think she's got quite a few complexes about it. Before she met me, she was in love to an Irish guy (none of us are irish) and he wasn't... and she told me that since she met me, that she no longer felt trembly whenever she talked to the irish fella. I want to handle this situation in the best way possible. I don't mind if me and her, we only come to be friends, or, if required, that we may even never talk to each other again, if that is what is needed, I only want to make sure that she's going to handle this without much suffering. I am thinking about her the most and less about me, so any suggestions on how to handle this best, will be appreciated. I want to minimize the eventual impacts on her blaming herself and putting down her self-esteem because of being overweight, because the reason why I can't love her is far from being related to her size. She's an awesome person and deserves not only someone better than me, but someone who gives her love!

Thanks for any help!

Piste

Whoah, she "loves" you after 2 weeks? Back away not today, disco lady.

Tell her that you just want to continue as you are with no strings, that's all you can do really, tell her how you feel.

herya

Unregistered wrote: »

but I am not in love with her

Unregistered wrote: »

I love her, but I don't love her the way she wants me to

I guess you need to sort yourself out first and then her. There's a lot of talking about love after just 2 weeks.

Nervous Wreck

Piste wrote: »

Whoah, she "loves" you after 2 weeks? Back away not today, disco lady.

Ahahaha.


Yeah I agree, she sounds a bit full on. There's no problem really. The easy way out of the situation is to put it bluntly. "I'm sorry but we have a NSA arrangement. I can't offer you any more than that, and you knew that from the start...."

beks101

Unregistered wrote: »

We met one day and the next day she came to visit me unexpectedly, she parked in front of my house and kept there waiting for me.... we had dinner at my house and we watched a movie together, when she was leaving to her house, I went with her to her car and I kissed her. The next day she came to visit me

Alarm bells for me here, to be honest. Of course I don't know the nature of your contact up to this point, but there's a fine line between spontaneity and neediness/desperation.

How did you feel about her arriving unexpectedly? I know if a guy I had gone on a first date with arrived on my door step the next day, having sat outside waiting for me in his car, I would be a LITTLE freaked out, to say the least.

Just tell her you're not ready for a relationship and all you can offer her at the moment is a purely physical thing. Tell her if she's not OK with that, it's no problem, but you just want to be fair to her and set her straight.

And you can't control how she takes it. If she is insecure about her weight and has low self esteem then there's a chance she'll take it as the reason for your lack of interest, but there's nothing you can do about that. She's a grown woman (I presume...) and it's her own issue to deal with.

Gyalist

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been out of a relationship of 2 years, my first and only serious relationship and I am still a bit hurt, though I don't think about her as much anymore, but sometimes I do and sometimes it still aches. I went to a dating website, and after a few weeks, I met this girl which I really liked to talk to. We met one day and the next day she came to visit me unexpectedly, she parked in front of my house and kept there waiting for me.... we had dinner at my house and we watched a movie together, when she was leaving to her house, I went with her to her car and I kissed her. The next day she came to visit me, we had sex and since then it's been 2 weeks where we get together everyday. We go out for dinners, we do some car roadtrips and have sex, we talk a lot, several times a day. Texts, etc.

Who gives their home address to a complete stranger that they just met on the internet?

All the activities that you are doing with this woman are those of a boyfriend.
You don't see someone every day, text and call each other several times a day, go on trips and go to dinner with someone you're having a NSA arrangement with. It would be easy to blame the girl but the blame is all yours. You are giving her wildly contradictory messages. Your words say NSA but your actions are those of someone who wants a relationship.

We also kept clear to each other that we wouldn't fall in love, we were just friends and we were having fun. However... she fell in love and although I enjoy A LOT her company, chats and sex with her, but I am not in love with her and can't really seem to see this possibility in short-term, given I am pretty traumatized about my previously failed relationship.

Yet you are behaving like a boyfriend. Can you not see the dissonance between your words and your actions?

I have been gentleman and treated her just as if I was her real boyfriend, but unfortunately...I think this dragged far too much. I love her, but I don't love her the way she wants me to or the way she does love me.

Yet you seem surprised that she has fallen for you.

The problem is that, she's a little bit overweight (which, to be honest, I don't mind) but I think she's got quite a few complexes about it. Before she met me, she was in love to an Irish guy (none of us are irish) and he wasn't... and she told me that since she met me, that she no longer felt trembly whenever she talked to the irish fella. I want to handle this situation in the best way possible. I don't mind if me and her, we only come to be friends, or, if required, that we may even never talk to each other again, if that is what is needed, I only want to make sure that she's going to handle this without much suffering. I am thinking about her the most and less about me, so any suggestions on how to handle this best, will be appreciated. I want to minimize the eventual impacts on her blaming herself and putting down her self-esteem because of being overweight, because the reason why I can't love her is far from being related to her size. She's an awesome person and deserves not only someone better than me, but someone who gives her love!

Thanks for any help!

There's not going to me an easy solution to this which doesn't hurt her in some way. You'll have to face up to your responsibility for creating the situation that you are in and end the relationship. NSA can't work when one of the parties has stronger feelings for the other.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

Who gives their home address to a complete stranger that they just met on the internet?

Maybe I wasn't clear that we when we first went out ("first date")... she then gave me a lift back home, so she parked in front of my place.

Yes, given she's a lil overweight, maybe she's needy or maybe I am needy too. Or maybe she isn't. Maybe she just wanted to show she enjoyed our first date, I actually must say that I enjoyed her coming back the next day. Your mileage may vary.

I kind of expected some help, not a pile of (mostly) judgemental posts... It's the second time that I post in this forum and I can only get people to overanalyse what I write. I can only think it's my fault, but still I am not asking to analyse the situation, just to provide some hints on how to handle.

Thanks though..

Wibbs

Well the advice so far seems pretty fair to me. You've both acted like boyfriend/girlfriend and now she feels that you are. She's fallen in love in a very very short time. Personally I avoid that type. Way too much drama.

So what do you do? Pretty much what the other posters have said. Let her go.

The_Conductor

I agree with you.

Going on dates- roadtrips, cinema, sex etc and being in frequent contact (by whatever means)- would indicate far more than the casual relationship you implied.

At very best you have been giving wholly contradictory signals to her.

Certainly- I'd question her psychological frame of mind- the very notion of parking in front of someone's residence waiting for them to come home screams all sorts of weirdness..... You have made your own bed though (quite literally)- so if you are trying to cool things down- you at very least owe it to the poor girl to do it sooner rather than later- and in a manner to minimise the hurt caused.

The term 'bunny boiler' came to mind from your original post- but it does take two to tango- and whether you realised it or not- you have been encouraging her and her behaviour........