stigma with being friends with lesbian couple

iguana2005

Am straight...forever single...all my life ive been friends with lesbians..not a big deal..im a very open minded person...being honest I probably bond better with strong independent women as a whole...not sexually just as mates...anyhow....was out last week and a guy asked me if I was gay and its been depressing me every since...feel ugly..unfeminine..highly sensitized to anything gay now..paranoid...I have never felt any feeling for a women sexually and I have been in love with men which to me was the best feeling in the world and made me feel alive..

It doesnt help that I live alone and many people have never seen me with a guy...being honest my sex drive is probably low and I love my own company..now im worried everyone thinks im gay and am even second guessing myself which is making me ill with worry...

anyone else go through the same..am cutting contact with lots of close friends and family as being with them my head starts going into overdrive saying..your gay...tell them...they all know your secret...even though im not gay!!! My wardrobe has even taken an overhall and if I wear something that makes me look butch I take it off - its ridiculous!!

Help!!

anoisaris

For someone who claims you were once friends with lesbians-your post is fairly offensive and ironic it is posted in a gay and LESBIAN forum!

Are your friends ugly and unfeminine? None of my lesbian friends are! In fact the majority of lesbians these days are femme. If you hang out with gay women as much as you claim surely you know the scene.

You do realise also that if you give a guy the knock back, in protecting their ego they are likely to drop the "Oh you must be gay!" line.

You don't want to be associated with gay friends for fear it will be assumed you are gay-some friendship that is!

oisindoyle

Firstly whats wrong with being gay ? Nothing is the answer ......
Secondly why should you care if people think you are gay ,aside from that ONE person who said it ...Think about it for a minute ,he only asked if you were gay ,,whats the big deal ....
As for your comment re wearing clothes that you think are "butch",,thats a bit silly now .Because many many girls who are gay do not have a "butch " look ...many are beautifully dressed ...
Step back and take a look at how that guy made one comment and how it has affected you ....
Maybe its a confidence thing that you need to address...

LookingFor

It sounds like you have some self esteem and other issues relating to your single status.

Being asked if you're gay is no great shakes and shouldn't cause a reaction like this. But I think its your context that's evoking these insecurities.

There's no harm in diversifying your social circles if you're uncomfortable with people thinking you might be gay because you hang out with gay people a lot (exclusively?) and are single. But be careful about laying this at the door of your gay friends or expressing offense at the association.

DubArk

iguana2005 wrote: »

Am straight...forever single...all my life ive been friends with lesbians..not a big deal..im a very open minded person...being honest I probably bond better with strong independent women as a whole...not sexually just as mates...anyhow....was out last week and a guy asked me if I was gay and its been depressing me every since...feel ugly..unfeminine..highly sensitized to anything gay now..paranoid...I have never felt any feeling for a women sexually and I have been in love with men which to me was the best feeling in the world and made me feel alive..

It doesnt help that I live alone and many people have never seen me with a guy...being honest my sex drive is probably low and I love my own company..now im worried everyone thinks im gay and am even second guessing myself which is making me ill with worry...

anyone else go through the same..am cutting contact with lots of close friends and family as being with them my head starts going into overdrive saying..your gay...tell them...they all know your secret...even though im not gay!!! My wardrobe has even taken an overhall and if I wear something that makes me look butch I take it off - its ridiculous!!

Help!!

Grow up!! Thank God your not my freind! :rolleyes:

shoegirl

iguana2005 wrote: »

....a guy asked me if I was gay and its been depressing me every since...feel ugly..unfeminine..highly sensitized to anything gay now..paranoid...I have never felt any feeling for a women sexually and I have been in love with men which to me was the best feeling in the world and made me feel alive..

It doesnt help that I live alone and many people have never seen me with a guy...being honest my sex drive is probably low and I love my own company..now im worried everyone thinks im gay and am even second guessing myself which is making me ill with worry...

If its any consolation, I am a gay woman who is constantly assumed to be straight. (I'm not even mega-feminine, I just look next-doory I think). To be honest, it drives me up the wall that there is so little diversity in the Irish lesbian community that kinda makes anybody who doesn't fit a certain stereotype be assumed to be a fag hag.

You thoughts show a little insecurity. I am sure you are a good friend to your buddies but it sounds to me that you are a little uncomfortable about it, especially worried what people might think about you. Believe me, unless you really shop in the mens department, wear ties and practically have your head shaved, a lot of people will NOT think you are gay. I still have to explain to friends who are completely amazed. I am quite sure very few people think you are gay to be honest, the Irish lesbian community is on visible diversity, outside of Dublin there is a big assumption that any woman with even the vaguest feminity is straight.

Sure two friends of mine were in Instinct in Cork last Sunday and spent a whole night trying to convince some girls that yes they were gay.

CaptainSkidmark

2 things...... maybe there is some issue considering its bothering ya so much?

the other thing is that a mate of mine is a world renowned DJ and he was discovered and taken under the wing of one of the most well knowd dj's that ever lived who was gay but my friend is not gay.

but even after his mentor passed away 11 years ago my mate is still taught to be gay just because he was such good mates with a gay guy.

bottom line is it happens everywhere and you really shouldnt worry about it.

unless of course there are issues you are either afriad of or trying to come to terms with?

mollzer

Just wondering what age the OP is.

When I was younger, early twenties, a man in a bar called me a lesbian because I had stuck up for my friend who had been at the butt end of his unwanted advances.

I think I cried over it for days! I was so insulted. Well it turns out, years later that I am gay, but it has taken years for me to 'come out' to myself. I had pushed my true sexuality to the back of my mind out of fear. Like OP i was sick with worry and confusion for a long time, second guessing myself, and feeling ill because of it too!!

I hope you find yourself...gay/straight/bi, and dont go losing friends because of one guys comments either!
Life is way too short.

shoegirl

mollzer wrote: »

When I was younger, early twenties, a man in a bar called me a lesbian because I had stuck up for my friend who had been at the butt end of his unwanted advances.

I think I cried over it for days! I was so insulted.

I'm not surprised. I recall back in the 80s/early 90s one of the biggest insults possible for a woman was to call her a "lezzer." Even now I suspect a lot of woman would consider it insulting.

Words can be very powerful things. I think even now a lot of women are unconfortable with words used to describe them. I've always preferred to describe myself as a "gay woman" even now.

monellia

Why are you letting this trivial stuff affect you in such negative ways? Laugh it off and tell them you're straight - problem solved. Why does it matter if people think you're gay or straight? It doesn't define who you are, and you definitely shouldn't let it affect you to the point of cutting ties with your friends. I don't think the problem is how other people perceive you. I think the problem is your lack of confidence in yourself. When you learn to love yourself, it wont matter to you what other people think.