Where do I go from here

LegacyUser · 16-05-2009 4:02am #1

I have decided to go unreg for this.

At the moment I am numb in feeling as I have spent the past number of hours crying and feel drained. I am finding it hard to sleep hence me being up so late.

I do not know where to begin and am finding it all a strain. Just a bit of background. I met my boyfriend online a number of years ago. It started off rocky and we had our ups and downs he had broken from me a number of times over different issues mostly is because of either financial woes and my phobia of the fear of water and heights so it has been really tough for me to overcome this but have been trying with the help of a self help book and reading up about it (he lives in England). The last time I saw him was nearly 3 years ago, yes I know it is a long long time but we still remained in contact even though our relationship became less romantic (from his side) but he still sent me texts of a more intimate kind but without the loving kisses and other romantic words. About 2 years ago, he rang me and told me and in his words 'I am dumping you!', which has disgusted me because I have done nothing wrong. Since then the relationship has changed and my life seems to have been put on hold. I am in no mans land. He sits there every day in his house and has little to do expect break me down and everything I do into little pieces.

He knows about my ex and the abuse I had suffered when I was with him. I do find it hard to trust men and haven't had an easy time in any of my relationships because of the past. I have raised my daughter on my own. She is very loving, kind and caring with an immense wiseness beyond her years. I am very lucky to have had such a wonderful person for a daughter.

My daughter tells me that my current boyfriend (whom she has never liked and has been the cause of some her upsets) that she would prefer me never to contact him again, she would be miles happier and as she said to me, not just for herself but for me, she has told me that she feels he is controlling, petty, stubborn, an idiot, with a narrow minded view.

My current bf, had been in a previous relationship of 14 years, where his ex walked out on him, he told me that the reason she did was because she didnt love him anymore (which for me I have never really understood, he has good qualities and can be very loving and caring). He wanted me to send him some photos of me and my daughter which is fine. sent him some of me, he rang me to say he got them but then later last night he rang me again and told me that the pixels on the photo were too perfect, that they were this and that and he went over them, like with a magnifying glass or a fine tooth comb down to the dot within a dot (I sent them via e-mail) and he won't talk or text me now until I send them to him by post. My daughter thinks it is really small minded of him and that I should get rid of him. She probably is right but like most peeps out there it is hard to see the woods for the trees especially when you are in the midst of it!

I would find it hard after all this while for him not to be there in some capacity, even with all the stuff going on from him, there is something about him that I, for some reason, cannot do without. I know I would not do what he is doing to me, maybe I am a soft old fashioned romantic, or maybe I am living on cloud 9 and need to come back to earth, I do not know but I am seriously hurting at the moment. I have put on weight due to stress, I have a lot of worry issues currently and the last thing I need right now is for him to behave in this way towards me. I am not going to text or ring him till he does so first, but at the same time I am reminded of him in so many ways, it may be something on the tv, a piece of music, a movie etc. I am crying as I am typing this as I really do not know what to do with all of this and I do not know where I am going any more. He has broken from me so many times I have lost count. I am tired of not knowing where I am yet I feel I cannot do without him in my life in some capacity as I have said, but at the same time I am fed up with him clocking my calls to him and noting if I do not call him. He said to me before in a conversation that he doesnt want to sound controlling or be controlling, but my daughter thinks he is.

I have cried so many times before over him. I just wanted a man who is loving, caring, understanding, patient, funny, and above all honest, I am not asking for much in my life.

Can you tell me what you think of all of this. I cannot make head nor tail of my bf any more and do not know the next step to take. What would you do in this situation?

All replies appreciated.

Thank you

idontknowmyname · 16-05-2009 7:27am

Hi OP- you poor thing you've had such a rough time with men. From what you've said the men you've been seeing over the last few years are control freaks. Someone broke up with you over your phobias?? That's ridiculous! and the guy you're currently seeing- kick him to the curb, if he's going on about 'pixels' not being perfect then what else will he criticise/act like a child about.

To be honest, it sounds like you need to be by yourself for a while. You say your self esteem has been affected by your weight gain. So start changing yourself to how you want to be, not what someone else wants you to be.
Go for long walks in the evenings, join a gym or weightwatchers.

Just enjoy your own company and that of your daughter also. Only start seeing someone on your terms and someone who will treat you properly.

merlie · 16-05-2009 11:28am

I know it might be tough for you now but maybe you should 'dump' him like he did you before. Sounds to me like he is doing what he said he wasn't and that is controlling you. Be strong and don't be put down by his ways and pettiness. You have people around you that do love you and I think you need time for you and not have to worry about things. Look for support from people near you and if you take the steps to end it with your boyfriend then you should get as many people that care about you know what you are going to do and they will support you at this time.

I wish you only the best of luck,

Love,

Merlie

LegacyUser · 16-05-2009 12:24pm

Hi OP here,

Many thanks for your replies. Since I posted this thread, I have sent him a few texts outlining how I feel. So far I have heard nothing back. I just said what I had to say and ended it saying 'Thats all I have to say for now'. Did I do wrong? Is it right to expect a reply even though he said he would not ring or text me till i sent him the photos by post? I worry that he will find someone else even though he had told me before it will be tough to replace me with someone else.

I have gained weight as I said in my first post but haven't felt motivated in any way to shift it and am lacking energy. I probably do need time for myself as idontknowmyname pointed out.

Anyone else know what I should do.

Thanks for all your replies.

ellie1 · 16-05-2009 4:42pm

op, this man is a controlling bully. I would tell you to dump him except you are not actually in relationship with him. He is a man you know who excerts his power over you and makes you feel like **** just like your previous boyfriend

Maybe its easier for you to pretend to have a relationship with him because it stops you from having to live in reality and find somebody you may actually see once in a while.

Dont send this weirdo anymore photos, god only knows what he is doing with them. if he cared about yu in anyway he would have seen you over the last few years.

I am so angry at your post at him and at you. You have a daughter who seems to see what this man really is and you choose to ignore her.

Cut contact with this fool. You are not in a relationship with him. Get counselling and build up your self esteem before embarking on another relationship. And when you do go for a man not a controlling prick.

How this man has such power over you and you have not seen him in three years is beyond me. Tell him nothing, whats he going to do.

Get this book "women who love too much" and get a grip on reality.
Shame on you for disregarding your daughters feelings so much.

As for youworrying he will find someone else. Maybe he has someone else. Who cares? nobody would put up with an idiot like him for long anyway unless the person had huge self esteem issues like you do.

Sorry if its harsh but you really need some reality checks

LegacyUser · 17-05-2009 5:26am

ellie1 wrote: »

op, this man is a controlling bully. I would tell you to dump him except you are not actually in relationship with him. He is a man you know who excerts his power over you and makes you feel like **** just like your previous boyfriend

Maybe its easier for you to pretend to have a relationship with him because it stops you from having to live in reality and find somebody you may actually see once in a while.

Dont send this weirdo anymore photos, god only knows what he is doing with them. if he cared about yu in anyway he would have seen you over the last few years.

I am so angry at your post at him and at you. You have a daughter who seems to see what this man really is and you choose to ignore her.

Cut contact with this fool. You are not in a relationship with him. Get counselling and build up your self esteem before embarking on another relationship. And when you do go for a man not a controlling prick.

How this man has such power over you and you have not seen him in three years is beyond me. Tell him nothing, whats he going to do.

Get this book "women who love too much" and get a grip on reality.
Shame on you for disregarding your daughters feelings so much.

As for youworrying he will find someone else. Maybe he has someone else. Who cares? nobody would put up with an idiot like him for long anyway unless the person had huge self esteem issues like you do.

Sorry if its harsh but you really need some reality checks

OP Here.
Ellie your post upset me. I do not think you understand what it has been like for the past while for me. I will try and explain. Ive been in a relationship with this guy we had seen each other and he had come over to me ( he stayed in a hotel, explanation later of this ) Things started to get complicated because it became an issue for me going over because of my phobia which has been a real strain on me and on our relationship, if effects me as such that I find it immensely difficult to travel over water either on a plane or a boat. I do have a number of fears that have been around since my childhood and have been the bane of my life. I have the fear of water, heights, and planes. I am currently reading a self help book on phobia's which may help me, although I have read material about it before it didn't make much of an improvement with it. Also there have been financial woes and getting time off of work which have also been a hindrance.

My daughter is 20 years old, independent and has strong opinions. I know what she says to me but she also understands how I feel, I never ever ignore what she is saying ever. We have talked about it and she knows and understands how I feel. We have always been close and have a fantastic relationship.

The reason he stayed in a hotel when he came here was because of a number of factors, my daughter didn't want him to stay with us because of the way she feels about him, secondly even if he did stay with us, he would have had no where to sleep as my place is little enough for 2 people ( I am hoping to move next year )even my sofa is a small 2 seater and he is a tall man so it would have been difficult for him to have even slept on that.

My bf said he would wait for me to sort out my issues and although he had effectively ended out relationship, but he still does say and do things as if we are still in on, although as I had said in my previous post, that he isn't sending me romantic messages or telling me he loves me, which he did before. He told me that I could trust him without question and that he isnt looking for anyone else ( thats since the change in our relationship ) but even so I still worry. We have do have so much in common, he is like another me, but without the stubbornness, pettiness and narrow mindedness which I do not have.

The thing is sometimes he goes off on me like this ( see previous posts of mine ) and I extremely hate it. I get the feeling of being pushed into the sidelines and have no say on anything and his opinion stands. When he does this it hurts like hell. Oh he knows it but he can be cold and distant when he wants to be. I know and hear what you are saying to me, that I should drop him, but after him being my everyday for the past 5 years it would be a toughie to let go.

I do live in reality and am faced with it everyday and I do have other worries besides my bf.
I just think that with the photos issue thats currently going on, I have no say in the matter and all his opinions count except mine. I do not know why I end up with men who have control over me. It is not something I go looking for or am looking for in my life. The time I met my bf, was when I wasn't looking for anyone to be in my life, he was looking, I knew it but had only ever the intention of becoming his friend. But as time passed on we grew closer and when I first met him, it started from there. As I said before the relationship has been full of ups and downs and even had a rocky start. But after 5 years he is still here but now of sorts since the photos incident.

I have been dwelling on it all and am not sure what exactly is the right move from here. I suppose I am waiting for the next move from him. Btw I have not heard from him since the other day, since I sent him those texts.

I need advice please not harsh criticism.

Dizzyblonde · 17-05-2009 12:55pm

OP I know you said you don't want harsh criticism, but in reality someone you've hardly ever seen in the past few years can't be described as a boyfriend. A friend, yes - although he seems to have way too much influence over you and your life for it to be a healthy friendship. Why do you allow him to have this power over you? And more importantly, you're giving your daughter a very bad example in self esteem and self-worth. I sincerely hope that she doesn't think this is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2009 1:16pm

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

OP I know you said you don't want harsh criticism, but in reality someone you've hardly ever seen in the past few years can't be described as a boyfriend. A friend, yes - although he seems to have way too much influence over you and your life for it to be a healthy friendship. Why do you allow him to have this power over you? And more importantly, you're giving your daughter a very bad example in self esteem and self-worth. I sincerely hope that she doesn't think this is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman.

OP here.

Firstly my daughter doesn't have any self esteem issues. Her life is not the issue I am in the middle of at the moment. Everything is fine with my daughter, she is happy, has friends, knows what she wants in a man and from a relationship. She is employed and loves the work she is doing and is also thinking of taking up part time college course next year as well. She goes out and enjoys her life. So she has no problems in hers.

Secondly, I know what you are saying about him not being a boyfriend more a friend. If that was the case then why is it that he has sent me up till 2 days ago text messages the say otherwise?? I know his texts are not romantic but he says things as if we were in a relationship but without an amorous words.

I do not know why I haven't ended it, but as I had said previously that it would be hard to not have him in my everyday. Maybe thats my problem. I dont know but where to go with it all and if I did decide to end it with him, I think I would miss him dreadfully. We did have a situation before like this but we sorted it out. The thing is I did meet his mum and I think she is absolutely a wonderful woman, she is in her 70's and we got on like a house on fire. When before he had ended the relationship before, I was told not to contact his mum. But I know that his ex didnt like his mum but she could contact her but I can't. This I do not understand. I would love to remain in contact with her.

I do want advice. What would you do if you were in the same position?

Thanks again for your replies

ellie1 · 17-05-2009 2:11pm

My intention was that it would help you see the reality of your situation. You need professional help

You want advice. Cut contact with this man. He is a controlling bully. What would you miss... someone to make you feel like ****.

Maybe somebody eles can offer you better advice than i can.

Gyalist · 17-05-2009 3:13pm

Ellie1's post may seem harsh but maybe it's what you need right now - a firm smack of reality.

Seems like your daughter is a much better judge of character than you. Don't be so quick to dismiss the possible damage that you could have done to your daughter either. She is 20 now but this has been going on for more than a few years and especially during her vulnerable teenage years. She would have seen you move from an abusive ex to another abusive man.

I do want advice. What would you do if you were in the same position?

I would teminate this "relationship" immediately and also seek professional help - not self-help books - for the fears and phobias that have crippled me for all my life.

Dizzyblonde · 17-05-2009 7:26pm

Gyalist wrote: »

Ellie1's post may seem harsh but maybe it's what you need right now - a firm smack of reality.

Seems like your daughter is a much better judge of character than you. Don't be so quick to dismiss the possible damage that you could have done to your daughter either. She is 20 now but this has been going on for more than a few years and especially during her vulnerable teenage years. She would have seen you move from an abusive ex to another abusive man.

I would teminate this "relationship" immediately and also seek professional help - not self-help books - for the fears and phobias that have crippled me for all my life.

+1

I think you're living in a fantasy world. Texts don't make a relationship.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2009 8:23pm

'I think you're living in a fantasy world. Texts don't make a relationship.'

I am so sorry to say this, but I think this is true. I speak as a man (yes, a man) who hung on to an unrequited love situation last year on the basis of texts and realised, finally and very painfully, that it wasn't going to work. But when you are in this fantasy world, advice doesn't count - some of my best friends warned me against pursuing this fantasy and I didn't listen. In fact, I couldn't. I hope you can detach yourself some time and have an objective look at the situation, but I know it's very, very difficult

Salome · 17-05-2009 9:46pm

Sorry OP, you don't have a boyfriend, you have a penpal who sends you dirty texts.

You don't have a relationship. You are using your phobias to avoid the realities of a relationship. If you had anything worth hanging onto, your man would be here every weekend possible - you haven't seen him in 3 years. Doesn't this speak volumes????

Please wake up to reality, listen to your daughter. End this pathetic excuse for a "relationship" - he doesn't feel the same about you.

And yes, I know I'm being harsh but I think you need to wake up and take on board what me and the others are saying - you asked for advice, it's not our fault that you don't like what you're hearing.

merlie · 19-05-2009 12:43am

Hello OP,

The other posters comments seem quite harsh. In all probable this guy may seem nice to you and you are hanging on hoping that things will improve. I don't think you are living in a fantasy world, I think you are just caught up in the middle of your feelings and do not know which way to turn. You seem stuck and you do not know if you should move forward or stay where you are. As you said you haven't seen him in 3 years, you are not the only person who goes through this, people in the military or those overseas have the same thing going on as you, where the relationship is only a text or call.

Your boyfriend sounds selfish and the fact he has not text you or rang only goes to show that he is only thinking of himself. Men can be selfish and do hurtful things without realising. Now I am not saying its the same for him in that he realises he hurts you, I don't think he does and in hurting you, it shows how much he cares for you. Your relationship sounds complicated and perhaps it has run its course but then again maybe in a weeks time he will text you and you are back to square one.

The other thing you said is that he is everywhere in your day. I know this too, cos I had the exact same thing happen to me and my boyfriend. Its a strange thing but it is nice when you are in a loving relationship.

Your daughter sounds as if her life is flying. But I bet she worries over how this man is affecting you. You need to be strong now and do what you think is right for you in the long term. Just be kind to yourself and go out and treat yourself to maybe a nice dress, a meal out with a friend, go for nice walks etc.

You will find that once the cloud of doubt or stagnation goes life is much easier and clearer.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 12:57pm

Hi and thanks for all your replies especially to Merlie as what you said applies in some part to how I am feeling.

He has not text me since for a couple of days now and I have not text him either, although the urge to do so is strong. I do not live in fantasy world as you put it. I just have feelings for this guy and it is if any of you have feelings for a person, you know that they are hard to get rid of.

I know what you are all saying, and he IS remaining silent till he gets what he wants and what he wants is more important than my feelings. I know I should disregard him totally but the good things in him out weigh the bad things it would be like 90% good vs 10% bad. He has treated me in the past in a caring and loving way, we have gone places together, he has cooked meals and I have done the same, walks and had a laugh, enjoyed movies and loads of other things. The thing is every now and again out of the woodwork comes a part of him that I do not understand. He seems to get so wrapped up in what he wants that he forgets I am human and have feelings. Mine then do not seem to count.

I know what you might say here but honestly we have been here before and come through it but this time I am a little more worn from it and although I want to stay with him and he with me, its at times like these I wonder why I have bothered. I know in some ways that having a relationship with someone across the pond or anywhere long distance ( he lives in England) can have issues and getting together always has to be planned.

I was hoping to see him in June but I do not think this is going to happen now. As I said in previous posts that I have a phobia of water and do find it hard to travel cos of it. But since I have been reading a self help book, it has lessened so that I can possibly make the journey over. I have really no idea what is going to happen. Neither he nor me have said its over or I do not want to hear from you again type of thing. So its still up in the air and am nowhere near what is going on or what the next move is. It is like being stuck and your feelings are trapped in the middle of it all. I am sorry but I am not the one with the problem he is the one that creates the problems. I was happy with him and he with me but he can be so analytical, brings his work home, stubborn, fixated by perfection even though he would say he is not, I believe he is.

Where do I go from here

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