How to stop drifting away from husband

LegacyUser

My husband and I have been together 10 years but over the past 6 moths or so we have both realised that we have started to drift apart.

This hasn't happend overnight either, things were great in the first few years but the children came along - its as if the relationship has soured somewhat.

What I want to know is do any of you have any advice on how to prevent us drifting any further apart.

I have arranged a week away for just the two of us to see if spending quality and quantity time might start to heal the wound.

Really I am desperate as I love this man very much.

ManOfMystery

Get some 'quality' time to yourselves again - dates, weekends away, etc - do you have family who can mind children now and again?

silverwater

You say you still love him which will help a lot.
Keep reminding yourself of that, and ask yourself why you love him.

Try to do something you used to love doing together back in the early days.
Romantic walks, dancing, concerts, whatever it used to be.
Most of all just try to stay close to him and keep it alive.
Once you're sure you love him there's a great chance you'll feel close again.

Queen-Mise

simple things are great. Making cups of tea for him or vice versa. Stopping and talking when sometimes you would do something else.

Give him a present through kids. I did that one two weeks ago. Only has to be something small.

Go to something he is interested in, county gaa game and listen to him talking about sport.

Concentrate on small things and then the big things.

Thats what i do in my marriage.

Taltos

This is really common so don't think that it is just you here.

The weekend away is a good start - definitely.
You both also really just need to work on the relationship as you did when you first met. Not as easy now with kids, work, stress from economy etc.

There are many things you can try though, and you might find the oddest things work.
First off - you both need to find time just for the two of you. Maybe try a new interest - something just the two of you can try without having to worry about if Jack/Abby/Gilbert getting on ok with this or I look like an idiot.
The other thing is try dating again might sound silly - but arrange to meet maybe once a week for a quick lunch or a dinner - or whatever you used to do when you first dated. Take the time to get your hair done or whatever you used to do to make you feel good before a date. And pay each other compliments on the date about how you each look.

For me the activities & weekends away worked - we tried some new sports and found one we liked. That with meeting more away from home for dates - not just dinners in really helped. Found we were more open to talk - it is really amazing how just simply talking and rediscovering your partner can feel. Hopefully you can find something the kids can be involved in too - hiking, orienteering etc - there really are loads of options - just try some and get somethign that fits the family. Who knows it could really be something that you all love doing and opens new opportunities. Spending time together making new memories that you both can share is good.

Basically try to break the routines you have fallen into at home.

And when you are out with the kids whether just shopping etc - just reach out and hold his hand - I know I know - I do get some weird looks but I love holding my wife's hand and getting the odd secretive squeeze from her, when I get that squeeze and look into her eyes I really know how she feels and she knows how I feel.

Hope you find something that works for you both.

Curvy Vixen

Can I just also say that the two of you need to want this to be changed.

I know you say that you have both realised that you are drifting apart but is it affecting your husband as much as it seems to be affecting you?

There is some good advice already on this thread and I'm sure more to come but maybe sit your hubby down and have a little chat just to make sure. You can hold his hand all you want for instance but if it's not reciprocated then you will feel twice as bad.

Good luck..

LegacyUser

I appreciate your words - and i really do mean it when I say that I love him. He is a very deep person and that in itself doesn't help when it comes to communication.

The thing is I dont know how to connect to him, he has a lot of emotional issues (these are contributing to our problem too) and I have suggested counselling either on his own or as a couple, but as money is tight at the minute we will have to just to try and figure this out as much as we can on our own. He told me that he loves me but not in the way he wants to love me, (he thinks I want the perfect love story) and our sex life is great - so I am at sixes and sevens to know what is going on.

All I want is for us to reconnect again like we used to. I am so scared of us splitting up for both me and the children, I am a strong person but this is starting to upset me. I am at the stage of being jealous of our friends who "appear" to have a happy relationship. We don't share a lot of common interests again this doesn't help. I talk and talk and he just listens - I want him to laugh with me to hold me and just come back to me like we used to be- I am sitting here writing this in tears.

When people say that they would do anything to save a relationship - I would do absolutely anything that it takes to save my marriage.

ve

Relationships do not maintain themselves, and a relationship cannot be maintained by just one person. It's great that you both acknowledge that things aren't right and that you want to turn it around for the good. You will know better than us if your husband wants the same. The first and most important thing is communication and if your goal is to improve things because you still love him, then make sure that this is known. Regularly remind eachother that you love eachother and don't take eachother or the relationship for granted. Ye're a team.

I think couples responsibilities to children, work, home, extended family, etc are often prioritised above the core relationship. IMO this happens as a result of feeling like the relationship is risk free and not going anywhere so you can skim over your responsibilities. Then things go from bad to worse and one day you realise that something really important is missing and you don't know how to restructure your existing life to get it back.

My partner means the world to me. I tell her all the time. We argue over silly things and sometimes take the stresses of life out on eachother, but there is nothing more important to me than her. If I let family / friends / work pull me 50 ways from Sunday they would, but it's my duty to put my relationship first because on the day I die it's not going to be about what I did in my life for other people, but rather who I shared my life with and who was closest to me.

Make time for yourselves, and do it often. You owe it to yourselves. There are too many people out there that may be happy for both of you as a couple in concept, but they are certainly not going to be the ones making sure that your relationship is solid, that's the responsibility of you and your husband and nobody else.

Hman09

Going away is a perfect idea to start with! When your away, remind him who he fell in love with! Act the same way when you first met, he will do the same! Make the holiday perfect for the both of you, I'm positive he will do the same and when you get back things will be back to normal! That love that once you both held so stong will be back!!!

Let us know how it goes!
You two have a story book in motion, every couple does! I want to hear yours