Whats wrong with me?

Hman09

I used to work with this girl for ages, a month after i joined we started going out.
Since then i've left for another job. But in the past couple of months I keep breaking up with my the girl...
Shes a really bubbly person and it comes across as flirting to other guys but she doesnt seem to realise, unless she does but doesnt admit it. shes a really good looking girl and anytime she went out clubbing I was at home paranoid shes up to no good. She never really has done anything to hurt me in order for me not to trust her. She once gave her number to a lad and since then ive been worried.
I love this girl to bits but im just so paranoid shes always off snogging other lads in clubs. In her past she got alot of guys, before i was with her.

Anyway we broke up for a while cause i thought she cheated on me, i accused her of doing it without letting her talk and ignored her for a while.
Recently she got in contact with me and wants to get back together and I want to get back together with her but one thing is getting to me. She said shes started hanging out with the old bf (the one before me) and he told her, he still loved her...and yet she hangs out with him anyway.
She said "hes changed and hes such a nice guy, really funny, so different now, but I dont feel anything for him and i told him im not interested"

Should I be worried about this? Why is she hanging out with an ex if shes not interested in him anymore? And those two go to the same club, one which I dont go to.

Another thing is, one second she says she wants to get back, the next she says she doesnt...thats another issue on the topic.

Is it just me being paranoid or should I be worried shes now hanging out with the "such a nice guy, really funny guy"??
Be brutally honest if needs be because im so clueless.

Would appreciate the help...thanks

ellie1

To be honest sounds like shes not worth the bother.

Your head is wrecked when your broken up with her . it will probably be worse if you get back with her.

star-pants

So you guys date, and because she's funny and attractive you assume she cheated, accused her and gave her no chance to talk. She asked for *you* back (which I don't know that I'd have done) and yet you still keep mistrusting her?

You've no trust in this girl - why do you want to be with her?
No wonder she's not sure if she wants to date you again or not if you don't trust her, and accuse her of cheating.
Why is she hanging out with an ex? because she wants friendship from it, and possibly an ego boost.

If you can't find a way to trust her, there's no point getting back together.

Taltos

I agree with ellie1

sounds like she has her own issues she needs to work through - maybe a self-esteem problem or who knows maybe even control - see how she is still controlling you and her ex?
Just does not sound right - if she really cared she would not be toying with your emotions like this.

As to your jealousy - not sure if you are normally that jealous, maybe it is a result of this relationship. If this is pre-existing though you might need to work on that before getting into a new relationship.
I know I would be livid if my oh gave out her number - there was another thread here recently of a girl giving out her number - will give you the same message she got
>> That is just wrong - totally messed up.

Move on forget her, block her number whatever and move on with your life. That relationship just sounds too high maintenance to me.

Monkey61

To be honest OP you sound every bit as head wrecking to be with as she does...perhaps even more. If you are going to be that insecure and untrusting you will drive anyone away from you. She clearly needs to be with someone who trusts her and is secure enough in their relationship to not be bothered if other men are looking at her or thinking that she is flirting with them.

Her personality is as it is and you can't change that.Would you really want to make her less bubbly, fun and sociable anyway just to put your mind at rest when she is out without you?

Trust is of the utmost importance in relationships anyway and jealousy and paranoia are pointless emotions. If somebody is going to cheat on you, then they are going to cheat and all it is is a sign that your relationship isn't right.

Also lots of people are friends with their exes. My best friend is my ex-girlfriend and we see eachother all the time. Pretty much all of my exes have become very close friends of mine. If I liked somebody's personality enough to go out with them, then I would definitely still want them to be a part of my life. Admittedly her telling you that the ex still loves her is a bit dodgy, but in fairness the way you have been treating her I am not surprised that she has been dragged down to your level.

Anyway...I think you should let her go because it sounds like a train wreck and really no good can be salvaged from it now after all of the madness that has passed.

Hman09

I've tried many times to get over her, been out with a few girls since we broke up but couldnt get anywhere cause i still have feelings for the her..

I think I may have jealousy problems, every girl ive gone out with has played with my emotions in some form or another. Every woman in my life including family members have their moments on cheating on guys/husbands.

Any advice on helping this problem?

Oh The Humanity

I think she is taking advantage of your sweet nature to be honest.

She gave out her number?

That would really be a red card offence as far as I would be concerned.....why did you let her away with that?

Shes a really bubbly person and it comes across as flirting to other guys but she doesnt seem to realise, unless she does but doesnt admit it.

If she comes accross as flirting then she IS flirting.

Not seeming to realise is nonsense, she knows well and she has been getting away with it thus far and is calling her blatantly disrespectful behaviour being 'bubbly'
Unacceptable.

She said shes started hanging out with the old bf (the one before me) and he told her, he still loved her...and yet she hangs out with him anyway.
She said "hes changed and hes such a nice guy, really funny, so different now, but I dont feel anything for him and i told him im not interested"

BULL, she loves the attention. Its not acceptable to hang out with an ex who has openly admitted having feelings for her. Again unacceptable.

Should I be worried about this?

Yes.

Why is she hanging out with an ex if shes not interested in him anymore?

At the very least for an ego boost, worst case scenario could be something going on between them.

Another thing is, one second she says she wants to get back, the next she says she doesnt...thats another issue on the topic.

Ok heres a truth for you, mixed messages and 'Im not sure', hot and cold, yes one day, no the next etc etc all ultimately end up as a 'no'
The relationship will just die a slow and painful death....

I'd hazard a guess she is stringing you along (and possibly the other lad) at her own convenicence.

Is it just me being paranoid or should I be worried shes now hanging out with the "such a nice guy, really funny guy"??
Be brutally honest if needs be because im so clueless.

You are not paranoid, she is up to no good. I would break it off with her and move on. Sorry, I know you loved her but she was not deserving.

puglover

Taltos wrote: »

I agree with ellie1

sounds like she has her own issues she needs to work through - maybe a self-esteem problem or who knows maybe even control - see how she is still controlling you and her ex?
Just does not sound right - if she really cared she would not be toying with your emotions like this.

Why is it whenever somebody enjoys flirting while in a relationship they have "esteem" issues. I flirt all the time, it's fun, I enjoy it. I love my boyfriend and wouldn't cheat, I trust him & he trusts me. I get lots of attention from guys and tbh my boyf just feels happy that he is the one I've chosen to be with & I feel exactly the same about him. I am perfectly happy with myself and have no esteem issues.

This girl is funny and attractive, OP should be happy he landed such a catch. Others should be jealous of him not him jealous of the other guys!

Taltos wrote: »

As to your jealousy - not sure if you are normally that jealous, maybe it is a result of this relationship. If this is pre-existing though you might need to work on that before getting into a new relationship.
I know I would be livid if my oh gave out her number - there was another thread here recently of a girl giving out her number - will give you the same message she got
>> That is just wrong - totally messed up.

Move on forget her, block her number whatever and move on with your life. That relationship just sounds too high maintenance to me.

His jealousy seems very over the top & I agree it's something he needs to work on.

As regards the phone number, I would like to know the context in which it was given. I know I often give my number to guys I'm chatting to for reasons such as work related stuff etc.


OP I don't think this is a lost cause. You need to work on your jealousy & talk to gf about it, it's something you could work through together.

As regards the ex BF, it souns to me like she is trying to
drum the point home that even though there is someone else who is a nice guy also interested in her, it is YOU that she wants.

Hman09

Monkey61 wrote: »

To be honest OP you sound every bit as head wrecking to be with as she does...perhaps even more. If you are going to be that insecure and untrusting you will drive anyone away from you. She clearly needs to be with someone who trusts her and is secure enough in their relationship to not be bothered if other men are looking at her or thinking that she is flirting with them.

Her personality is as it is and you can't change that.Would you really want to make her less bubbly, fun and sociable anyway just to put your mind at rest when she is out without you?

Trust is of the utmost importance in relationships anyway and jealousy and paranoia are pointless emotions. If somebody is going to cheat on you, then they are going to cheat and all it is is a sign that your relationship isn't right.

Also lots of people are friends with their exes. My best friend is my ex-girlfriend and we see eachother all the time. Pretty much all of my exes have become very close friends of mine. If I liked somebody's personality enough to go out with them, then I would definitely still want them to be a part of my life. Admittedly her telling you that the ex still loves her is a bit dodgy, but in fairness the way you have been treating her I am not surprised that she has been dragged down to your level.

Anyway...I think you should let her go because it sounds like a train wreck and really no good can be salvaged from it now after all of the madness that has passed.

I believe your right that it is a train wreck at this stage. If a girls personality involves flirting with other guys then I want nothing to do with them. I've caught her flirting a few times when I have gone out with her and she defends herself by saying its a bit of harmless fun...does that sound like a girl or a woman to you?

Hman09

puglover wrote: »

As regards the phone number, I would like to know the context in which it was given. I know I often give my number to guys I'm chatting to for reasons such as work related stuff etc.

We were at a club, she said she was going off to the bathroom. A good while later (20mins or so)I was wondering whats up so I went to go find her. I found her talking to some guy. Asked her who he was, she said "ah, nobody"

Next day she was at her phone the whole time we were out and so I asked who it was and she said it was the guy from the night before. So ofc I was steaming and wondering wtf is going on here. She replied that they were talking about some gig on and he asked her for her number to go with him cause he didnt know the area.

silverwater

Did you make it clear that behaving like that is not ok?
The only thing that comes to mind is that she thinks it's alright to flirt and give her number.
I know that would be totally unacceptable to me. As would being close with an ex.
If you think it's worth it, then make it clear to her that you have feelings for her, but how she's been acting is not ok. A "bit of harmless fun" is more harmful than she thinks. If she's willing to change that (which from the sounds of things, she is not) then cool, but if not then move on.
I couldn't be with someone who has such blatant disregard for me, and yet "really wants to be with me".