Leaving a Cult

LegacyUser

In the last 6 months I've grown more and more disillusioned with my religion. This has come about from researching and looking into the roots of it. I've seen many inconsistencies, change in policy and these changes have in some cases cost the lifes of obedient followers. This bothers me since there was no apology. I would never have referred to it as a cult but after this research it fits the name well.

The religion/cult is very insular and association with those on the outside is discouraged greatly. At the moment I am not engaging in all the activities this religion would require to be fully acceptable. I am seen as being "weak". I cannot openly disagree with doctrines since this will mean I will be classed an apposer even though I can show clearly why these doctrines are not biblical. I had confided in someone that I thought was a friend but he basically ratted me out and went behind my back talking to what you could refer to as the "priests" in our church.

I am kind of isolated now since I've been in this religion all my life. The other day I was at one of their meetings and they were organizing a game of football for later. I was standing there right beside someone who was going and I was ignored. I used to get invited to basketball, I haven't been for weeks now. If I make the choice to officially leave the religion I will be shunned. Anyone in teh congregation will not be able to talk to me, invite to their home etc. I will be given less courtesy than a complete stranger. Also my family who are part of this religion also will shun me. I am in my late 20's I have no real friends and it's hard. While I went to school/college I always kept people outside of my religion at an arms length, never getting too close to them since this was really discouraged.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced leaving a cult/religion.

LeavingACult

Wibbs

OK helpful posts only. No bickering or debate re atheist/theist opinions. Thanks.

RossFixxxed

I don't have experience of this, but I do know the multitude of manipulative devices these groups will utilise (as you say shunning you etc.)

The first bit of advice is to find some new interests, dont' emerge in to a vacuum. Take up some hobbies, and meet some new people. Make sure you have a new support group around you (i.e. mates you enjoy hanging around with). Life's too short to be trapped and there's lots of decent people out there without these agendas.

Good luck with your choice man, and keep us posted.

R

Queen-Mise

i was involved in one in england, a long time ago. It is hard to leave.

Im on mobile at the mo, ill put up how i did it later.

TheInquisitor

If you enjoy basketball or soccer try and join a local team, ring the samaritians maybe. Clearly this will be very difficult for you as you know nothing else but the fact that you recognise that you are in a bad environment will stand to you.

Good luck and i hope you make it through ok!!

EastWallGirl

Are you a JW??

I did left them in particular I was bought up in it etc.

If you want to talk let me know,I know what it is like.

I wont talk you in or out but I will listenand I will understand all the issues.

PM me, you know where I am.

bluecell99

Hey,

You are halfway there already.You realise it is a cult.Congrats.Now start living your life your way.As Rossfixxxed says get out there,meet new people,open your heart and your life to new interests and very quickly you will be happy and fulfilled.

Its you who will shun them ,not the other way around.

Life is there.It has many nice ,ordinary peoiple with all of the day to day to problems we all have.It also has some great and funny and happy times ahead.

get out there and start saying "Yes!!"

Banish the cultists from your mind.No more thinking about them.

Best of luck.

Lollipops23

hmm i reckon i know what cult you're on about. i've had dealings with them(was never a member) and they are a scary and nasty bunch.

my only advice would be to contact anyone you may know outside of the Cult. do you have a job?you may need to move home; if they persist in contacting you i'd go to the gardaí to get a restraining order.

you've made the 1st step: realising you want to leave. you need to remember this no matter how hard things get. no religion should make you fear for your safety. best of luck x

Agreed with everyone so far.

Remember OP-You don't have to debate with the other members of the cult as to the inconsistencies.
Theres no need for you to get into a head melt like that.


The op hasn't said which cult it is.

I'm aware of the Dublin "church of Christ" because a friend of mine was brainwashed by them and estranged from his family and friends unless they joined.
This friend was in a trance like state for most of the time they had him in their clutches.

Cults pretend to be Christian,they are in my opinion users of the word Christian for some other purpose [usually in a cult,it's money or power and the members are brain washed into being servants thinking they are spreading "gods word"-they are not].

OP you'd do well to involve your family and contact dialogue Ireland.
I'm aware they have helped people in your situation.
Some of these cults are so warped,they are very very dangerous as this article proves.

http://www.independent.ie/national-news/suicide-victim-had-been-swayed-by-a-religious-cult-44228.html

Take Care and be carefull.

The_Conductor

The problem you have at the moment- is your life is continuing to revolve around the cult- that is your social activities as well as everything else- continue to be catered for by this group of people.

If you are satisfied that there are serious questions to be answered about the group, its belief system, its activities etc- then it is time to broaden your horizons- and expand your sphere of contact to include people involved in those things that you like to do (be it football, basket ball or whatever) who are not involved in this group of people.

A good starting point would be to visit your local community centre- there are normally notices up on the walls about the different sports groups- and even if you're going along to see what the story is- attending a few training sessions will give you to opportunity to mix with other people- while still partaking of something you like to do (which means its a relative comfort zone for you).

It really is the case that you need to get out and meet more people.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you are a Jehovahs Witness from your post.

Its important to remember you are not the first to make this step. There are thousands and thousands who have had to make the same decision as you are about to make. It will be hard but is highly worthwhile, this is your life and you should be able to live it how you want.

Life on the outside is not as hard as it may seem to you right now. You say you dont have many friends as they discouraged you from socialising outside the congregation - Fact is the people you were friends with were never your friends anyways. Real friends dont judge you by your beliefs.

Making new friends is difficult especially for guys. Do you have anyone you can visit and maybe go out with drinks with them to see how things are on the outside - brothers or sisters perhaps who have left?

I would recommend joining dance classes to meet new friends - they usually do a once a week party where all the members get together at a bar/club and practice. There are a number of avenues you can pursue to make friends just use your imagination. You have the internet at your disposal, google couch surfing, post ads on places like gumtree, check for night courses that you could join.

Your social skills probably will not be as good as they should be - it might be worth doing some courses to improve it and also reading books about social interaction.

-Ex JW

KamiKazi

hahahahahahahahahhahahaaha

Silverfish

KamiKazi , 3 month ban.

Taltos

Really feel for you OP.

I have though no experience of cults though to have a real insight into the struggle you are going through right now.

I can only re-iterate what some of the other posters raised - ie do you have a job - one outside influence of the cult?
Maybe you can seek a transferral to another town/city or with the income secure your own place. The first thing to me would be to make sure you are safe and away from their influence.

Once you are away - then maybe look into developing friendships - though I can imagine the trust might be hard at first.
Get involved in some activities - maybe a local soccer team; gaelic club;orienteering; kayaking - try as many as you can.
This way you will hopefully find 1 or 2 you really enjoy - and through these meet a different mix of people. Remember to stretch outside your comfort zone a bit on these, go in smiling (no matter how you feel inside) and just say hello to people.
Try not to reveal too much detail at first - might be too heavy for a new friendship.

And a work - maybe suggest a few folk meeting for a drink or a meal some evening - might take some work but it will work.

But never ever feel guilty for how your family and former friends are treating you. If they were really that close then they would be able to accept your choice to leave that group.

This is a dramatic step you have taken - but it really shows that you have a great strength - remember that and remember that no matter what else gets in your way you can get past it. I am not going to say that some day all will be rosy with your family - it might never be - but this is your life and you have to live it in the manner that you feel is right for you.

Don't let your frustration or confusion at why your family cannot see what you see turn into anger - just be happy that they had the ability to raise you so that you could see it and be able to act on it.

LegacyUser

Thanks so far for all your comments and suggestions.

The most difficult thing is seeing people who are members of this congregation living their lifes and giving up so much to promote an organization. The religion is set up to isolate / remove anyone who disagrees with the current "truth". I've been approached by some in the church wanting to help me. Prob is they want to help me using "evidence" provided by this organization. Members of this religion don't check what they are being told they just accept it as being on par with the bible.

I suppose I can only worry about myself but these people are not bad.. They are just conditioned into believing certain things. Many of them are normal people just living in a bubble reality. All I can do is hope that something happens in their lifes that makes them question what they are being taught.

I've started to spend more time with work mates getting know them outside of work. Going out this weekend in fact...

Splendour

OP,

I've just finished reading a book on a girl who left a cult and she had eight kids in tow! Like you, she was discouraged from interacting with the outside world, told they were evil and hellbound etc... When one of her kids got seriously ill, she took the kid to the hopital although this was against 'the rules'. It was there she discovered that the 'outsiders' were not the bad people she'd been brought up to believe... They in fact were more interested in helping her and her child than anyone in the cult.

It will be very difficult for you, but it is possible. As others have suggested, get involved with some hobbies outside of your religion and slowly ease yourself into friendships and eventually it will be easier for you to breakaway.
The most difficult part will obviously be your family. They may come around with time and accept your decision and hopefully, see the errors of this religion. If this group are claiming to be Christian yet shun members who leave, they ain't Christian at all.

Take care...

neuro-praxis

Would it be possible for you to seek help from a healthy church in your locality? I am part of a church that has offered ongoing support and counselling to people (individuals and families) who have been deeply hurt and damaged by cults. They may be able to offer practical support in getting out of your current community and standing on your own two feet. This can include financial support, help with accommodation and jobseeking, prayer support if appropriate and a referral to a qualified therapist to help you deal with some of the hard stuff you will have been through.

If this is not possible for you, or too scary, I would suggest contacting a counsellor or therapist yourself help you get through the hard times ahead.

You cannot stay in an environment where you are not free to make your own choices and be yourself. Even if you have to leave family and friends, there can be a bright future ahead for you. Good luck.

unregexjw

unregexjw wrote: »

Sounds like you are a Jehovahs Witness from your post.

Its important to remember you are not the first to make this step. There are thousands and thousands who have had to make the same decision as you are about to make. It will be hard but is highly worthwhile, this is your life and you should be able to live it how you want.

Life on the outside is not as hard as it may seem to you right now. You say you dont have many friends as they discouraged you from socialising outside the congregation - Fact is the people you were friends with were never your friends anyways. Real friends dont judge you by your beliefs.

Making new friends is difficult especially for guys. Do you have anyone you can visit and maybe go out with drinks with them to see how things are on the outside - brothers or sisters perhaps who have left?

I would recommend joining dance classes to meet new friends - they usually do a once a week party where all the members get together at a bar/club and practice. There are a number of avenues you can pursue to make friends just use your imagination. You have the internet at your disposal, google couch surfing, post ads on places like gumtree, check for night courses that you could join.

Your social skills probably will not be as good as they should be - it might be worth doing some courses to improve it and also reading books about social interaction.

-Ex JW

Total rubbish, i grew up in a family of JWs, went along for many years. I no longer go as i am pursuing other things. as i grew up i was never discouraged from having friends outside or in, when i left i was never "shunned" by my fammily or others, in fact i still have some drinks with some of my old friends that are Jws.

I hate to see it painting with such a false light, yes they have a structure and are quite strict, but that also means they are the most decent people you will ever deal with.

Just because it isnt a "a la carte" religion were you take out the parts you agree with and do the parts you dont.

As for the OP, feel free to leave, they dont shun people who leave at all.
They do shun people who have done something that they belive is wrong or against there belifes.

I went along to there yearly memorial a few weeks back, everyone was happy to see me and talk to me happily.

EastWallGirl

Ahhh...

The once a year Memorial goer, you do realise that the only reason they speak to you so that they can 'provide a witness' and hope that you will start up again.

If you were honest you would know that is not the experience that most have.

Is you dad an elder? That would explain it.

Lollipops23

Bit off topic,but is JW actually a real cult...?i honestly don't know, that's why i'm asking, i'm not trying to be smart!

Hmm well they asked me how i was ect... never mentioned the religion once.
And no hes not, there just an average family who stick to there beliefs.

You obviously just have a chip on your shoulder because you didn't agree with something and felt you should challenge it and became disillusioned when they stuck to there set beliefs.

Reminds me in school when a teacher would give out to you for breaking a rule, then you make it your business to go around the yard and tell everyone how wrong and stupid the teacher is.

Id say its your strict family which caused your experience rather than the organization.

It was always made clear to me that we all have free will and were never forced to do anything.

Lollipops23

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Bit off topic,but is JW actually a real cult...?i honestly don't know, that's why i'm asking, i'm not trying to be smart!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses

A neutral source is best in a case like this.

Its classed as a sect rather than a cult.

LegacyUser

cisk wrote: »

Hmm well they asked me how i was ect... never mentioned the religion once.
And no hes not, there just an average family who stick to there beliefs.

You obviously just have a chip on your shoulder because you didn't agree with something and felt you should challenge it and became disillusioned when they stuck to there set beliefs.

Reminds me in school when a teacher would give out to you for breaking a rule, then you make it your business to go around the yard and tell everyone how wrong and stupid the teacher is.

Id say its your strict family which caused your experience rather than the organization.

It was always made clear to me that we all have free will and were never forced to do anything.

Thats lucky for you. For many people its quite different. Dying instead of getting blood transfusions perhaps? Children discouraged from after school activities such as football? No dating until you are 18+ and ready to get married? the list goes on and on.

But back to the topic at hand.

The OP has made a good decision and should stick with it. It gets alot easier after the first few months once you have "normalized" to the rest of society.

-Ex Jw

Overheal

Thats a question for another foum tbh. But no, not to my knowledge. They have some unique beliefs and values but Im not sure that they exhibit cult characteristics.

It doesnt really matter which cult the OP has gotten himself involved with. He is still unhappy (even worried about his safety) and wants out; but is torn between leaving his family.

I obviously can't say what I might do having never been in that situation. What sounds right to me though, is that you get out for your own safety and well-being. Hopefully, more of your family members will follow. Because the chances of you getting them out from the inside, seem like slim to none.

Taltos

LeavingACult wrote: »

I suppose I can only worry about myself but these people are not bad.. They are just conditioned into believing certain things. Many of them are normal people just living in a bubble reality. All I can do is hope that something happens in their lifes that makes them question what they are being taught.

You have it in one here - you can hope and be there for them if they ever reach that point but there is not much else you can do here.

LeavingACult wrote: »

I've started to spend more time with work mates getting know them outside of work. Going out this weekend in fact...

Glad to hear it.

As before really hoping this all works out for the best for you.

EastWallGirl

Ah Cisk

Don't worry Cisk I am sure if I walked back to the Kingdom Hall I would be greeted like the prodigal daughter, mainly for the reason that I thought through how I was going to do it.

For your information I decided as a teenage girl to become one because of my nana. No elder daddy breathing down my neck, none of the rest of my family were witnesses, except my mother who went to the memorial once a year.

To be honest I was great at the doors, knew my stuff loved to pioneer and wanted to go to Bethel. I still essentially think that there understanding of the scripture is quite good and in some areas not the worst (the concept of hell fire is quite horrible when you think about it).

If though I am going to attach my good name to any organisation I expect certain standards and unfortunately I realised that essentially all religions when run by men are run the same. I will say no more but please PM if you would like further details.

You are very lucky that your family truly practice the free will element of the tenet of this faith. Others are not so lucky. If the OP is a witness, all his associates are witnesses he has been discouraged from associating with worldly people, probabaly lives at home, may not have much money. If his family are of the ilk that they do not want to associate with someone that does not associate, he may find his whole social network gone and it is done as a punishment so as not to be a bad influence on the rest and also that his loneliness will help him see the light.

On top of that he has to process all his beliefs and come to some compromise about that and also start understanding that outside the Kingdom Hall is not a big drug and alcohol fuelled orgy.

It is a long process and nearly 10 years later I still have times where I have to sit back and think about things and why I feel a certain way.

It may not be a cult in a way that they take you from your family and take all your money but when you are constantly told you are in the best place in the world and that this is your family, rejection can be a process. If your family is in the Kingdom Hall you have to do it so that in this case you do not burn bridges, that they will still speak to you so you are not completely alone.

OP if you are a witness take your time, you will know how some people react and you know how your family and friends will react, if you want to keep them try and work towards that ie: don't go out in a blaze of glory.

There are plenty of people you can PM, if you need a sounding board and people who know the lingo who will listen and not judge you. As Rhett Butler said in Gone WIth the Wind' "Far be it for me to question the beliefs of childhood." Just take your time and think it through.

Zaph

OK folks could we please stay on-topic. If you want to have a discussion about your JW experiences among yourselves please take it to PM.

Thanks

LegacyUser

I would just like to clarify a couple of things. Some of you guessed correctly from the language that I used that I am a Jehovah's Witness. Perhaps referring to it as a cult conjurs up really weird things in peoples mind.

I am not worried about my physical safety etc and I have a good job, home etc. I referred to it as a cult because of the controlling aspect behind the religion. For example a phrase that you will hear (and when you are part of the religion you will accept as normal...) is "Guard against independent thinking". What this really means is that you will not use your own logical mind that each and every human is endowed with to reason on the information being presented, you will simply take it as gospel.

A previous poster mentioned that you are not discouraged from having friendship with those in the world, this is simply not true. Jehovah's Witnesses view the world and people in it as immoral and destined to destruction unless they become a Jehovah's Witnesses. If you have different ideas which are based on your own understanding of the bible and you share these thoughts with others in the congregation, this is by itself grounds to excommunicate you. If this step is taken you will be shunned by your family, you will be shunned by your friends and if you goto one of the meetings you will sit at the back and no-one will be able to talk to you apart from the elders. You are treated this way not because its scriptural but because its been decided upon as policy by a group of men.

Many will attest to the fact that there is no dignified way to leave the organization. If you make any formal action to leave you are shunned. If you become irregular in the activities expected of you, you will be looked down upon. Attendance at the meetings is required unless you are ill or some other acceptable reason is presented. If you told a fellow witness you went to the cinema instead of going to the meeting the reaction would be quite negative.

I am just going to live a little. Enjoy myself. I'm not necessarily going to cut off all ties with the congregation because of my family but I'm not going to allow my thoughts to be dictated for me or my life to revolve around what others think it should revolve around.

I'd just like to make this clear, Jehovah's witnesses are not bad people , they honestly believe they are carrying out a god given assignment (Matt 24:14)

walter sobchak

I can't understand how such a cult can remain in the light of our understanding of the origins of the Bible - it's clearly not the 'word of God' - it was written, edited and translated over many years by many hands

OP, I applaud the lengths you are prepared to go to to free your mind.

CDfm

Its not very black and white but it is a religion you no longer subscribe to and its beliefs are no longer yours.

Some of the posters are absolutely correct in saying that you need to build a new life with a new social network.

The way you are going about things seems fairly ok to me but you should "expect the best and prepare for the worst" so that if you do find yourself in a situation that you are strong enough and resorsefull enough to deal with it.

That said you said it yourself that mentioning your lack of beliefs to others in the group causes problems so just give it a miss. Im sure once you become more confident with your independent thought and living it will matter less to you.

That said -major life changes take one or two years to take hold so take it easy and take small steps.

Sleepy

OP - if it helps, try to remember that the only real difference between a cult, sect and 'mainstream' religion is the number of followers.

b28

Leave the cult, cults can ruin lives!


You have more freedom in your life outside these nutty groups!

LegacyUser

I hear your pain - I am also an ex JW - and HAPPY to be gone from them.

You can check out http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/ it has 1000's of ex JW's who have gone through the painful process of leaving. I can personally confirm that their practice of 'shunning' is very much the norm for members who were 'baptised' - if you only attended the odd time - then you will likely be safe from this practice.

I wouldnt call them a cult as there is no central figure promoted, they tick all the 'high control group' boxes though.

Whats so great about their 'good news' - nothing - stay well away if you value your life and enjoyment of same.