What am i going to do??

LegacyUser

Posting unregistered out of complete embarrassment and shame.
I am 22, about to graduate from four hard years of university. I'm with my bf 3 years, we lived together for 2, and with the last 11 months he has been in Australia. He left originally on a holiday as he felt it was something he needed to do, hes a few years older than me and felt that time was running out for him to get a working holiday visa etc. After much heartache, i suppported him, helped him plan his trip, down to booking everything for him and researched thailand, booked hostels, interconnecting flights etc. After much deliberation, we agreed to give staying together a shot.

Over the past 11 months, im not going to lie, its been rough on me. I've had my final year of college to deal with, along with ups and downs with him, and i think ive suffered badly from him leaving me. The biggest knock has been to my self confidence....i feel like theres something wrong with me, i am now an anxious, insecure girl with low self esteem....a far cry from the girl i used to be. I would not have been able to leave him to go travelling.

He was due to come home in March, but hes in the building trade and due to the economy going belly up, the company he worked for left all staff go. Hes pretty sure he doesnt have a hope of getting work if he was to come home. So he stayed on and is currently applying for his 2nd yr visa.
Relationship wise....it wasnt easy, we have had ups and downs. But we are still together despite everything. This has included several minor break ups where for no reason, he has decided to cease all contact with me for upto 2 weeks at a time. hes not travelling with anyone i know, or his family know....on one occasion, i was close to contacting the police in sydney because i was so concerned that i hadnt heard from him.

During his time away, he has slept with other girls........4 times. I kissed someone else after finding this out. So i dont claim to be an angel myself, however i only felt worse after it, and worse about myself.

Since about february, when we realised he would be unemployed if he came home, we have planned for me to join him in Sydney on the 9th June. Things were great for a while after I booked my flight. He was full of affection and plans for us when i got over. Texting, calling, skyping non-stop. It is 2 weeks away until my flight date, and he's back to his old tricks.....he hasnt answered the phone to me in 5 days, i know hes getting my texts and voicemails....which have turned hysterical at this stage. I have quit my job, spent nearly 3 grand between visa, flight etc and savings in an oz bank account, which i broke my back working weekeds to save during college, and EVERYONE knows i am going....his family, my family, all our friends. My mum doesnt want me to go, as she feels that its not the right time for me direct out of college, ill be missing my grad etc. so i'm going without her full support or happiness for me, which tears me apart....i dont want to leave for a year+ with that hanging over me. Nobody knows that he is doing this to me, i feel so ashamed. I feel so powerless, like he can just pull the rug out from under my feet. If i don't go, everyone will know that he didn't want me and let me down at the last minute....when he's been telling me he wants this for the last 11 months! I don't think i can face the humiliation. What am i going to do??

ellie1

You are going to Austrailia to be with a man who has cheated on you with four other women.

He is not answering his phone and treating you like ****.

It really sound like he doesnt want you. he is too spineless to tell you.

Can you go on your own? Fcuk him! travel alone you will meet loads of people and it would be a great way of finding new friends and restoring your confidence.

Do not ring or text him and stop trying to get in contact with him. Consider yourself single and make plans which revolve around you. Go to Austrailia, even for a couple of months ,you deserve a holiday after your hard work with your exams and all.

Do not let this man hurt you anymore than he clearly already has.

O'Coonassa

Unregistered wrote: »

What am i going to do??

Forget him. Go to Oz. Have fun

Monkey61

I know that people are quick to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon, but really this is one of the rare situations where that is actually a good idea.

The facts as we know them - He has cheated on you four times, been away from you for a year and has no intention of coming back for at least another year. He is not begging for forgiveness or excitedly planning your arrival - he is ignoring you!!

I think you should go to Australia anyway. Since the flights are paid for and that amount of money has been sunk into it, there's no point in throwing the opportunity away. In fact this is the perfect time to go as it will do wonders for your self esteem and help distract you from your break up. You will meet so many new people, it cannot fail to re-energise your life.

Whilst your mother obviously cares about you, it really isn't her decision to make and as a grown adult you do not need (nor is she in the place to give) her full support or happiness for you. You have just finished college, it is the perfect time for you to go away! Big deal if you miss your graduation - a deathly dull two hour ceremony that everyone daydreams their way through anyway.

It is a horrible situation for you to be in but maybe your boyfriend is doing you a big favour by being so awful. This trip could be entirely life changing and the best thing that ever happened to you!

LegacyUser

Hi, its the Op here. Thanks for all advice........he has apologised, and theres been alot of soul searching re: the cheating. It was last September and he has swore to me that it hasnt happened since, and I believe him. I might sound foolish for that but he owned up voluntarily to everything he had done, id never have known otherwise.

i got a text last night saying "I'm sorry babe, i don't know why I keep doing this" so thats how i knew he was getting my calls and texts, and wasnt lying in a gutter somewhere hurt or dead. I tried ringing him plenty of times after that text but he didnt answer, so I send back a vicious answer saying "what the hell is wrong with you, if u didnt want me to come over, u had months to tell me instead of doing this to me 2 weeks before im due over, theres something seriously wrong with you!!!" and he text back "i do want you to come over baby, i'm sorry for everything, you're right there is something wrong with me" so que about twenty more calls and furious texts.

I have to go into work now and smile behind the bar for the next 8 hours, with everyone asking me if im delighted to be going away....whens the going away party etc etc.

Oh The Humanity

If i don't go, everyone will know that he didn't want me and let me down at the last minute

Unfortunately its probably more than obvious to 'everyone' already.

You are actually losing even more face by trying to keep this going. You shouldn't live your life according to what people think.

People can see he's been treating you like sh1t. It seems to be only yourself that can't see that clearly enough. I think you are very overwrought and confused. You are trying to make something work when the other person has no interest.

He used you.

Why dont you see if you can change the tickets etc until after your Grad to a slightly different Itinerary that doesn't include Oz or whereever he is right now.

See if you can get someone to go with you. If not go alone. I have travelled alone and I can tell you you will make loads of friends and you will gain loads of confidence which is what you need right now.

You dont want to be the way you are feeling now, go back to being the strong happy you. Forget this eejit. You are throwing good love after bad here if you try to track him down.

bluecell99

Superb advice from Oh The Humanity there and other posters.I would just take a different tack re the travelling.I would say dont go - at least not to Australia.Cancel it ,damn what anyone or "everyone" else thinks,go somewhere and enjoy.Stop investing your heart ansd soul in this guy.HE IS NO READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.Stop hurting yourself and move on.Its not your fault.

Enjoy life and have fun.RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT WHAT THEY ARE CRACKED UP TO BE..

You live once.DONT LET ANYONE ELSE MAKE RULES FOR YOU AND YOUR ENJOYMENT OF LIFE.

rustynutz

Sounds like he's just using you as someone to fall back on,try to change your ticket to a different destination,make up an excuse for not going to oz if you want to save face.If you carry on the relationship and go over you are giving him the green light to treat you like ****.What happens when you are in Oz and he needs 'space'?Is he going to disappear for a couple of weeks?

Noffles

What a sh*t.... I feel for you putting yourself in this situation and then getting left in the dark... I actually had a friend of mine who went out to meet his girlfriend in Oz only to have her tell him within 24hrs of arriving that she didn't want him there and for him to leave.... he stayed for the full year met a load of other people and had a great time. It did start of very badly but all in all worked out well, so it can be done and well you are the one who has to decide whther you will go or not....

Harris

Best advice is from Oh The Humanity.

I would take a rain check. And let your BF sweat it out. In the meantime you will have taken control of the situation and believe me you will feel better for it. When you are ready to travel - go. You only graduate once and think of all the friends you have made for the last 4 years in college. You may never see some of them again so stay for the graduation.
And listen to your mammy (within reason!!)

Best of luck. What a dilemma to be in, but you know yourself what you have to do.

ellie1

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, its the Op here. Thanks for all advice........he has apologised, and theres been alot of soul searching re: the cheating. It was last September and he has swore to me that it hasnt happened since, and I believe him. I might sound foolish for that but he owned up voluntarily to everything he had done, id never have known otherwise.

i got a text last night saying "I'm sorry babe, i don't know why I keep doing this" so thats how i knew he was getting my calls and texts, and wasnt lying in a gutter somewhere hurt or dead. I tried ringing him plenty of times after that text but he didnt answer, so I send back a vicious answer saying "what the hell is wrong with you, if u didnt want me to come over, u had months to tell me instead of doing this to me 2 weeks before im due over, theres something seriously wrong with you!!!" and he text back "i do want you to come over baby, i'm sorry for everything, you're right there is something wrong with me" so que about twenty more calls and furious texts.

I have to go into work now and smile behind the bar for the next 8 hours, with everyone asking me if im delighted to be going away....whens the going away party etc etc.

Thats all he said. A ****ty apology saying i dont know why i keep doing it. Seriously op, take the advice given here....go away or stay here ....but get away from this plank of a man. He really isnt worth it. Tell him its over and get on with your life.

gimme5minutes

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, its the Op here. Thanks for all advice........he has apologised, and theres been alot of soul searching re: the cheating. It was last September and he has swore to me that it hasnt happened since, and I believe him. I might sound foolish for that but he owned up voluntarily to everything he had done, id never have known otherwise.

i got a text last night saying "I'm sorry babe, i don't know why I keep doing this" so thats how i knew he was getting my calls and texts, and wasnt lying in a gutter somewhere hurt or dead. I tried ringing him plenty of times after that text but he didnt answer, so I send back a vicious answer saying "what the hell is wrong with you, if u didnt want me to come over, u had months to tell me instead of doing this to me 2 weeks before im due over, theres something seriously wrong with you!!!" and he text back "i do want you to come over baby, i'm sorry for everything, you're right there is something wrong with me" so que about twenty more calls and furious texts.

I have to go into work now and smile behind the bar for the next 8 hours, with everyone asking me if im delighted to be going away....whens the going away party etc etc.

He has had sex with four other girls since he's been away. Why in the name of god are you still with him? Please explain that to me? You wouldn't be in this situation if you had've dumped him for that. Instead you find yourself in a situation where yourself and your happiness are dependent on a guy who is off riding all round him down in Australia who has no plans to come back for the foreseeable future. You say you believe him that he only slept with 4, what planet are you living on? Guys that are up for cheating on their gfs dont just stop all of a sudden and say 'oh it was wrong of me to do that, ill stop now'. If they are up for it, they are up for it, plain and simple. And he has shown he is more than up for it and he doesn't even have to worry about you finding out as you are about 3000KM away. Why do you believe a word that comes out of his mouth when he has sex with other women and doesn't even bother answering the phone to you for days on end? You are being extremely naive.

LegacyUser

Seriously girl go to australia and dont bother looking him up, if hes in sydney go to melbourne or perth ive been to oz, went on my own, best 2 years of my entire life, its easy to make friends as people who see people travelling on there own they always come up and talk to you!!!! trust me this guy is an ass-hole, show him your better then him which you are, if you stay at home and cancel everythign to mope and be distraught over this guy its giving him a an ego boost and he has you like a puppett on a string, id fly over there go somewhere else meet some of the best friends you'll ever make and id bet you my lifesavings you wont even remember his name in a few months!

Thats my two cents!!!