How much should you tell a new partner about past relationships

LegacyUser

I've been seeing someone a couple of months now and it's fair to say we are getting quite serious at this point.

I had a bad realtionship in the past & it took me a long time to get over it. My partner could be quite emotionally abusive and physically a couple of times, he also had drink/ drug problems and cheated on me on a few occassions. He completely wore me down and I really wasn't the same person when I finally ended it. I was single for about 2 years before I met this guy and I suppose I've pretty much come to terms with most of it. It has left me with some insecurities though and while I can manage to keep them under wraps at most times they do show the odd time. TBH I'm quite ashamed that I allowed myself to get into and then stay in the relationship so long but I'm wondering if telling him would explain & maybe let him understand why I can be a bit touchy about some things.

There are other things also that I'm worried may become an issue in the future. I had 3 mis-carriages and there is a possibility that I may have fertility problems or it could have been the sheer stress I was under during the relationship. I was to go for tests at the time but it was something I couldn't face so it' still hanging over me that I may have these problems with any future problems. Do I tell him? I know he wants kids so it might be a problem in a few years if I find out that I can't.

Any advice would be appreciated

Otis Driftwood

If you feel that it may be an issue for you,then I think you should tell him about the abusive relationship.If he is a decent fella then he will be nothing but supportive.

As for the miscarriages,I would hold off on that for the moment.Its only the early stages of the relationship (it seems) so there is no need to bring it up yet.

LegacyUser

Thanks Ned. He is a decent guy.

Re the miscarriages I know it's early now but I'm afraid it's sort of a betrayal to him, lying by ommission as such. He might feel as if I'd mis-led him if it comes down to it and I can't have children.

Nervous Wreck

Forget about your OH dealing with these things OP, it sounds like you need to deal with them yourself first.... You shouldn't have to keep your emotions "under wraps"... You should be able to deal with and learn from them. If you're having serious troubles with your past relationship, you really should seek help for it...


As for the fertility issue, it's gonna be on your mind anyway so I'd recommend trying to get up the courage to have the tests done now... Its been long enough and you seem stable enough now to be able to deal with. Tell the OH iif you want or get a friend to go to the hospital with you. But either way, it'll give you an answer. Either it'll be something you'll eventually need to talk to him about or it'll be something that you won't have to worry about again.


To answer your original question though; as much is comfortable and pertinent.

Wurly

I think if your past experiences have any danger of seeping into this new relationship via insecurities, then I think you should tell him why.

By saying nothing, you could put up an unintentional barrier which could leave your partner confused as to what's going on.

I have been in your situation and I decided to tell my partner what was going on. Not only does he understand, he knows that when I become withdrawn or scared, it's not anything that he's done.

Assure your partner that you have taken responsibility for your insecurities and are working on getting rid of them.

Trust takes time. Feeling safe takes time. Past stuff can be very damaging. The key to effective relationships is communication. I think if you talk to your partner, you will stand a good chance of overcoming your past with his support. As the relationship is becoming serious, then I presume he will be supportive to you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I think at this point in your relationship you should be open about these things. It will help him help you in the future if he has all the cards laid out in front of him. Is he supposed to be a mind reader? As for the miscarriages and possible fertility problems, same point. This guy is getting into a relationship with someone who he feels will be the girl for him. He probably has expectations about his future and what people he wants in it, whether that's right or wrong, he has to be allowed to make that call. It's not up to you to make it for him. Generally I think it's best to get everything out in the open as soon as you feel that things could go somewhere. If all the cards are laid out then you can basically say "Ok here I am, here's my baggage, accept it and lets have a happy future." If he can't handle that, then he's not your man. But it is "his" decision to make.