Hopeless

LegacyUser

Right now iam feeling very hopeless. I cant understand why this keeps happening to me. My situation at the moment is that I can never attract a guy who wants to have a relationship with me and treat me with respect.
Iam 29 now, in that time I have had two long term relationships. One of these was a very abusive relationship, the other was the only guy I have known to have treated me with some respect. Ive tried to date and meet guys. but the same pattern keeps happening, they either get my number never to call again, or else they come across all keen after a few dates then disappear with no contact. Another thing which happens is they come across as nice but soon start to become not so nice after a few dates etc.
I have tried the usual ways and avenues to meet guys, and I have approached guys too. But it always is the same thing that ends up happening.
Also I have tried self- help books, asking my pals for advice, but I still fail. Iam feeling really depressed about it and starting to blame myself for this. I have been described by others as caring, honest, etc. But somehow this isnt good enough for people, as iam still single. As i get older Iam finding it hard to meet new people, and it doesnt help with the constant rejection that has become a common pattern in my life, which has impacted greatly on my self-esteem and confidence.
Is it me? What Iam i doing wrong?

Strokesfan

You're probably going for the wrong type of guys, it's not you - you shouldn't think like that. At least it's better to be single than end up in a long relationship with an a**hole which many people seem to end up doing. Really there's someone for everyone, it's a numbers game

bluecell99

keep saying to yourself "It's not me".

They have the problems.Chances are when their cockiness and lousy behaviour finaly reduces according as they age somewhat they will be the ones left on their own.Not you.

Just relax and do not blame yourself.Maybe wear your heart on your sleeve a bit less as the wrong ones can detect and exploit this a mile off.

nicegirl

Sorry to hear you were previously in an abusive relationship. I think maybe you need to work a little on your confidence, cos you sound pretty down about the whole thing which is quite understandable with what you have gone through.
Maybe take some time for yourself to help you forget about the past, talk to a friend or someone close. I always find if something really upsets me I talk to someone, and always feel alot better. Remember though, there are nice lads out there, and not all of them are gits like some that you have come across. Work on yourself first, and then you will attract someone nice cos they will see you are happy and confident

labradoodlelady

Sunflower27 +1 times a billion!!!!!!

I am blue in my face saying the same line to many many of my friends who have similar situations to the OP. I put it down to a generation gap with my mates - I'm in my early twenties whereas most of them are 8-9 years older.

I can see where they are coming from but "why can't I find a nice guy" "I have everything else in my life sorted apart from a man" is starting to wear thin.

You do not need to have a partner to make your life complete.

This is the best advice I have seen in ages "You need to be happy in your own life and skin". Relax, enjoy life and don't pressurise yourself into finding a man.

LegacyUser

I agree with all the above!

Listen, im 36, just about to be 36 in 2 months and no guys, actually just been through a break up so i can understand how you feel...guys tend to just vanish when they are not fully interested, thats just the way they are but that doesnt mean there is no one out there for you, like the previous posts said, work on getting yourself happy, sure im doing it myself too, trust me i would feel a lot better if i was your age so you should be happier for that!
And also, as much as exes "smell" when you are move on and miraculously come back in your life, guys out there will do the same and feel when you are happy, just the same as they sense when you are down and thats probably why you re not having any luck right now.....its hard to explain but people can sense those things and it turns them away....
get yourself all better, a new you, and you'll see and you will end up with more guys around than you would think possible....but not until you found happiness with yourself first!! and lose the goal on finding a guy so fast....put it on the side for now thats all..

best to you!

Kipperhell

Without trying to sound mean there is a possibility it is actually an issue with the OP. I had a friend who was incredibly nice but as time went on he became abrasive. He was incredibly good looking and had his choice of many many woman but every relationship he had ended the same way. At first I believed him about how his relationships were abusive and sure enough I saw evidence of people being abusive towards him it was even how we met as I defended him from a group of people about to kick the snot out of him.

The short explanation of his issue was he was clingy and needy. He was so nice that he did everything to please people and eventually that became smothering. He would invite himself along to everything including times I went out with my girlfriends. Eventually the only way to get him out of my life was to be abusive. This was effectively the only solution that worked for everybody that encountered him. I met an ex of his who he went on about for years and we spoke about him and we had the same problems with his behaviour and how we felt bad but ultimately still think there was no other solution.

I am not saying the OP is like this but just pointing out that self examination is probably not the worst thing to do. The only problem is self help books are not really very helpful for many deeper issues. Friends can often be supportive but ultimately not very helpful as they are unlikely to be completely honest. Self examination does not mean you do it yourself it can be done with the aid of counselling as an objective source of information.

It is a bit concerning the way "respect" has been referenced and the suggestion only one male person has given you "some respect". It suggests to me that you may have a distorted view of respect. What kind of disrespect are the short term relationships giving you?

Don't take this as a put down but rather possible way to change what you want to change. It could be as simple as you are being too hard on yourself right now and you are like everybody else looking for love.:)

LegacyUser

hello, thanks to all who have taken the time out to reply.

I dont feel that by having a man in my life it will make be complete and whole. Sometimes I do miss having the nice elements that come with a relationship. But i Know this natural for most of us single people.

Most of my social circle is settled with a partner/ married/ kids. While sometimes it doesnt bother me, other times it does as I look at them and try to work out what aspects do they have that makes them attractive. I know this is counterproductive, but sometimes i do it to try to work out why Iam not meeting decent guys. Which then brings up the questions what iam i doing wrong? Is it me, Iam i not good enough? Then the chit chat about life with their respective partners can get tiring at times

Kipperhell: in response to your question about respect. I meant it in a way to be treated in a way that any decent person would be liked to be treated. However, the guys that I attract generally are looking for a quick fling or appear to be nice in the early stages, then start to be usually display the not so good aspects of the human nature (ignorance, selfish, arrogant etc.). In regards to counseling, I have in the past to deal with the effects of being in a abusive relationship.

I do think that Iam feeling down about the situational, as Iam started to become tired of it, and the more rejection I face the more my esteem takes a beating.

Kipperhell

My male single friends of a similar age to yourself have the general complaint that woman of their age want to settle down very quickly. They say that is why they go out with younger woman. My female friends of this age have the same kind of complaints you have. The truth is relationships take time and putting pressure on them early on will crush them. Simply starting off at the point of "I want a serious relationship" is a complete turn off for most males. It doesn't matter if you say it as it is your goal and guys do pick this stuff up.

As for going to a counsellor to deal with a past trauma it is not what your current issue is so seeing somebody for the present issue would make sense.

The guys are getting into serious relationships but the woman aren't in my group of friends. Very upsetting for the ex-girlfriends who ended relationships because the guy wasn't serious. Some people are not even contacted now due to their resentment. When I was in my 20s I didn't really think about the biological clock but now I am seeing it kick in it is quite a scare. I don't think it is is all biological as there seems to be a comparative clock thing where people compare their age with that of other people and their achievements.

I don't think what you described is a lack of respect as it could be equally said from the male point of view about woman wanting serious relationships when they don't doesn't respect their wishes. I know from my past when people wanted serious relationships and I didn't I could have been seen as not treating them with respect. As it is males you are trying to attract you can't really consider what you want as the overriding factor in the relationship as the guy won't entertain it. You won't get the feedback from the guy either as generally we aren't that communicative especially if it means long conversations about what you want. Easier just to be rude and unresponsive.
Nothing wrong with being single but it sounds like you have unrealistic goals of a relationship rather than letting it have a natural course.