I really like her, but...

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl the same age as myself, 24 for a month.

Almost everything is going very well. We are very good friends and enjoy each others' company greatly. Its unusual for me that things are going so well. We've been quite physical, but not to the point of intercourse. I thought this was because we both live with our parents and it would be hard to find a place, but now I'm thinking do I want to?, I never thought that as a man I would not want to but...

My problem is that I have trouble being attracted to her sexually because she is quite overweight. I have had many girlfriends but all have been more physically attractive than this one. I like her, and don't want to leave, but I'm not attracted.

I feel worse every day because I feel I'm lying to her. I never thought I was this shallow and don't want to hurt her but is there any way to get over this? I feel like a low person.

Queencake

IMO if there was going to be a good physical attraction you'd have sensed it over the last month.

If there's no attraction then I'd say break it off with her.

It's kinder than leading her to think everything is rosy then breaking it off further down the line when you've "tried" to create an attraction.

There will be people I'd say who think you should tell her the problem - DON'T.

If she's carrying extra weight, like anyone else, she's well aware of it.

Captain-America

Break it off with her OP, if you're just not there with her, then there's no future for ye.

vector

ah this dating lark is so hard... you've got to find a woman who
1. you can get on with as a friend
2. you feel attracted to

and of course, she must feel the same way on both counts... the chances must be a million to one... or are they? well no they're not, look around you, look at our friends, they are in all likelihod pretty normal people and they managed to get a GF, well you can to.

This is not a Disney movie, I mean sure maybe you'd like to be dating a model, but look at the overall package, if you get on well with her, and there is some spark then maybe thats enough, you could hold out for years looking for the "one" and not find it. I hate to use the word compromise but dating is like every other facet of life and you must be realistic.

My recommendation: keep going, play the romance card, a red rose

**Caroline**

Without putting too much emphasis on looks, I would have thought there would need to be some physical attraction to make things work..? That's just me, personally. (Sorry if I sound shallow too :rolleyes:)

There's nothing anybody on here can say that will make you feel more attracted to your girlfriend. You have already had some physical goings on - did that feel right? If so, then what's to say that intercourse won't feel right when you DO get to that stage?

I think you just need take it one day at a time and follow your heart. But I'd advise you to try to recognise earlier (rather than later) if this is gonna work as a relationship or if you'd be best to just remain friends.

Queencake

Wanting/needing to have physical attraction in a relationship is not shallow.

Yes, relationships are all about compromise but attraction is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. For most people it is anyway. Attraction doesn't come down to solely looks as we all know but hell, yeah, it plays a role. No shame in that.

At the end of the day only the OP knows whether he feels the attraction is strong enough for him to want to happily continue this relationship

They've been physical together so by now he knows if there is enough of an attraction to take the next step.

OP please be careful before you go to the next level. Having sex then breaking up will make it that much harder. Especially for your gf if she suspects/knows it didn't work because she wasn't attractive enough to you.

Spon Farmer

if her weight is a problem for you them leave her alone so she can get on with her life and find a decent man while you go sort yourself out

Elbi

Spon Farmer wrote: »

if her weight is a problem for you them leave her alone so she can get on with her life and find a decent man while you go sort yourself out

Thats not very fair, If he's not attracted to her, he's not, he obviously likes her and thought he could be attracted to her.

I do find it a bit strange the initally there must have been some sort of attraction otherwise you wouldnt have been seeing her in the first place.
So why did you get together in the first place? ? ?

I do think you need to end things but I definitely would not tell her the real reason, no point hurting her feelings, people can be rude enough to over weight people without someone she cares about making a remark.

Duckjob

OP, don't beat yourself up over this.

It's not shallow to not be attracted to somebody, for whatever reason. It's the way of things.

Duckjob

Spon Farmer wrote: »

if her weight is a problem for you them leave her alone so she can get on with her life and find a decent man while you go sort yourself out

btw OP, you can safely disregard this and others rubblish like it that might get posted.

You are clearly mindful about the feelings of this girl and care about not hurting her feelings unduly. You should give yourself credit for that.

_blank_

Spon Farmer wrote: »

if her weight is a problem for you them leave her alone so she can get on with her life and find a decent man while you go sort yourself out

What do you mean decent man?

A man who will lie to himself and a girl he doesn't find attractive in the hope that people like you will think he's a "decent man" for going out with a girl he doesn't find attractive?

What kind of fúcked up shít is that?

Steamer

Queencake wrote: »

OP please be careful before you go to the next level. Having sex then breaking up will make it that much harder. Especially for your gf if she suspects/knows it didn't work because she wasn't attractive enough to you.

I agree with Queencake, do not take it to the next level and break up with her. Get out before that because that will make her feel like **** and ruin any real chance of a friendship with her if that's what you want.

shellyboo

If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her. But really examine this... are you *really* not attracted to her? Or are you attracted to her, but think you shouldn't be because of her weight?

If you just find the spark lacking, there's nothing you can do but break it off. But for the love of god, do NOT tell her why you're breaking up with her. Lie to her. Even if she can tell you're lying and begs you for the truth, lie to her. She does not need to hear the real reason, it would destroy her self-esteem.

It's a horrible situation, no-one's really to blame, and there's nothing you can do to salvage it - just try and spare her feelings as much as possible.

dlofnep

Spon Farmer wrote: »

if her weight is a problem for you them leave her alone so she can get on with her life and find a decent man while you go sort yourself out

Decent man? Pardon him for not having control over who he's attracted to and who he isn't.

To the OP - If there is no physical attraction, you either have to help her lose the weight - or move on. With helping her lose the weight, anything that you say could be taken wrongly, so it's a very tough issue to address.

shellyboo

dlofnep wrote: »

To the OP - If there is no physical attraction, you either have to help her lose the weight - or move on. With helping her lose the weight, anything that you say could be taken wrongly, so it's a very tough issue to address.

Eh, no. You cannot tell a girl you've been seeing for A MONTH that you want to "help her" lose weight. He knew what she looked like when he started seeing her!

Queencake

I agree with Shellyboo.

You don't get in a relationship with someone so you can mould them into what you want ffs.

shellyboo

Queencake wrote: »

I agree with Shellyboo.

You don't get in a relationship with someone so you can mould them into what you want ffs.

Precisely. It's like hooking up with a thin, lanky guy then a month later showing him a picture of Hugh Jackman and saying, "I want to help you to look like this".

Just a world of no.

Spon Farmer

Des wrote: »

What do you mean decent man?

A man who will lie to himself and a girl he doesn't find attractive in the hope that people like you will think he's a "decent man" for going out with a girl he doesn't find attractive?

What kind of fúcked up shít is that?

so mods are allowed to use foul language

Duckjob

Spon Farmer wrote: »

so mods are allowed to use foul language

Des isn't a mod in PI

Wibbs

Stay on topic. Spon Farmer if you have a problem with a post, report it, do not comment on thread. Des is not a Mod of this forum. The list of forums the mod is under their user name. Simple.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been going out with a girl the same age as myself, 24 for a month.

Almost everything is going very well. We are very good friends and enjoy each others' company greatly. Its unusual for me that things are going so well. We've been quite physical, but not to the point of intercourse. I thought this was because we both live with our parents and it would be hard to find a place, but now I'm thinking do I want to?, I never thought that as a man I would not want to but...

My problem is that I have trouble being attracted to her sexually because she is quite overweight. I have had many girlfriends but all have been more physically attractive than this one. I like her, and don't want to leave, but I'm not attracted.

I feel worse every day because I feel I'm lying to her. I never thought I was this shallow and don't want to hurt her but is there any way to get over this? I feel like a low person.

A long time ago met a guy that was attracted to me, i wasn't to him. I had no interest but we became JUST friends. I always thought that if i wasn't attracted from almost the very first meeting i would never be.....i was wrong!!
A good while later i was and we began having a relationship.
Sometimes you do just need to give it time. It was the best relationship i had because we got to know each other as friends first.
I would say, take your time with it for now. Maybe give it another few weeks and then see.

chocgirl

Unregistered wrote: »

A long time ago met a guy that was attracted to me, i wasn't to him. I had no interest but we became JUST friends. I always thought that if i wasn't attracted from almost the very first meeting i would never be.....i was wrong!!
A good while later i was and we began having a relationship.
Sometimes you do just need to give it time. It was the best relationship i had because we got to know each other as friends first.
I would say, take your time with it for now. Maybe give it another few weeks and then see.

But they're already involved and past the friends stage.

If he's not attracted to her he's kidding himself and her. I wouldn't advise that he "help" her lose weight either. They're together a month, maybe she doesn't want to lose weight and shouldn't have to for the relationship to work. No guarantee there'll be a sudden physical attraction if she lost weight either.

Duckjob

As I think another poster pointed out, it's all about the spark that you feel when you really click with somebody - they either make your heart beat faster or they don't...

MariMel

I could be completely off the mark here by saying this...so I will apologise in advance.

As an overweigh woman I have had a relationship in the past with someone who did find me attractive........but didn't think his circle of friends would approve therefore our relationship remained hidden until I decided enough was enough and ended it.
It could go something along the line of a 'joke' email I got recently.....what do fat girls and mopeds have in common?.....they are both fun to ride til your friends find out.

I am by no means saying that is how the OP feels, it is just a reflection on what can and does happen.

There could be many reasons why someone is not attraced to another person....I for one have never been particularly attracted to the tall dark and handsome type or even very slim men either.....but once it is not for some perceived level of attractiveness required to satisfy society's image.

I am getting married in a few months time to someone who thinks i am the sexiest woman alive, bless his cotton socks, and i think he is gorgeous too.
We may not be everyone's cup of tea but we are perfect for each other.