I kissed another girl

LegacyUser

Jesus I feel like a right asshole. Basically me and my gf of 9 months have been having some issues. She properly violated my trust early on in the relationship and I got over it. She did it again a while ago which really affected me. I lost all trust for her over it and have been trying to get over it so I can trust her again.

I'm finding It harder this time. I love this woman with all my heart and it really kills me that I can't forget what's happened.

I told her I needed space to get my head sorted. I don't think there'd be much point in continuing the relationship if an issue like that can't be overcome.

Last night, I was very drunk and Made a mistake. I kissed another girl. I don't know wheither or not to tell her. My female friends say I shouldn't. They say I should at it to show myself that even if you love someone you can make a mistake.

What do you think I should do?

And please, unless you've been in a serious adult relationship, don't reply here. It's the opinions of these people that I'm after.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Jesus I feel like a right asshole. Basically me and my gf of 9 months have been having some issues. She properly violated my trust early on in the relationship and I got over it. She did it again a while ago which really affected me. I lost all trust for her over it and have been trying to get over it so I can trust her again.

I'm finding It harder this time. I love this woman with all my heart and it really kills me that I can't forget what's happened.

I told her I needed space to get my head sorted. I don't think there'd be much point in continuing the relationship if an issue like that can't be overcome.

Last night, I was very drunk and Made a mistake. I kissed another girl. I don't know wheither or not to tell her. My female friends say I shouldn't. They say I should at it to show myself that even if you love someone you can make a mistake.

What do you think I should do?

And please, unless you've been in a serious adult relationship, don't reply here. It's the opinions of these people that I'm after.

Two rights don't make a wrong I'm afraid mate.

If you were both able to cheat, the relationship probably aint worth fighting for. I convinced myself that my ex was worth fighting for after cheating on me. It took me two more years when she cheated again to realise I was kidding myself.

If one person is able to cheat, the relationship probably isn't worth fighting for. If two people are able to cheat (for revenge or mistake), what the hell are you even doing?

SamuelFox

Man, I was in a similar situation with my last serious GF - two breaches of trust. I think you just pull the plug now and clear your head. I stuck in there, never being able to fully relax because I didn't trust her and it was a **** situation. Whats going to happen, especially after last night is a tit-for-tat "you cheated so I cheated" situation that will cause both of you so much hassle. Tell your missus the score and then break it off, at least until you decide what you want to do.

One word of warning tho - if you were a hard ass with her when she cheated, don't expect her to take it well when she finds out about you.

uRbaN

OP, it is very clear to me from reading your post that you guys are better off splitting up.
9 months with 3 counts of "cheating" doesn't stack up.
For somebody to cheat not once but twice within a short space of time indicates a complete lack of respect for you or the consequences.
Perhaps, the first case was moot as the relationship was only in its early days, however to go and do it again..meh you will never fully get over that, trust is out the window.

LegacyUser

With all due respect you're in a relationship for 9 months and there's been 3 incidents of cheating. I don't think you should call that a serious adult relationship!!!!

LegacyUser

OP here.

On her part, there was no cheating as such. She just totally destroyed my faith and trust in her in one fell swoop. I don't need to get into detail about it, but it happened.

But I still love her, ye know?

I was able to ignore my head for a while, but even when the slightest thing would happen, where'd I'd have to place trust in her, it would go racing right back to that black patch. I can't help it. It's the way my head functions.

I'm finding this so hard to deal with. How do you end it with the one person in the world you love?

I don't want anyone else. The thing last night meant nothing. I don't even know what the girl looked like. It sounds cliche, I know.

humanji

She's not the only person in the world that you'll love, she's just the current one. As has been said, 9 months in a relationship with 3 incidents and you not having any trust in her would lead me to believe there's no hope for you two.

I say sit her down and talk through your relationship. If there's anything to salvage, you'll find it. If nothing else, it'll let you both know where you stand and whether you want to go on together or not.

Rics

Hmmm, you will have to tell her if you really like her.
I know I wouldn't go out with someone if I couldn't tell them that.
In fact, I had a girlfriend for 7 years and never once did the dirt on her.
If I did, I would just have broke up with her instead I think.

Taltos

Without trust there is not much point going on.

Also normally the partner who is freaking out about not trusting the other is the one to have the affair - not that I am calling your kiss an affair - but you can see the parallels.

If you can work on and improve the trust issue then go for it.
However - the fact that you have been unfaithful 9mts into a relationship does not bode well for the future - but at the same time it was only a kiss and we do not know the details - ie did you initiate or stop it right there, how did you allow yourself to get into that situation where it could happen.

Basically you really need to think long and hard about this one.
a) Why did she lose your trust
b) Is there anything she can do to get it back
c) Will you always have these doubts - if so they will get worse, and will eat away at you
d) Why did you kiss another girl
e) Would you do the same again

Hate to write off 9mts - but sometimes if it is really messed up either on the outside or in your head you gotta walk away and start again once you figure out what you want.

orlaj

Unregistered wrote: »

Jesus I feel like a right asshole. Basically me and my gf of 9 months have been having some issues. She properly violated my trust early on in the relationship and I got over it. She did it again a while ago which really affected me. I lost all trust for her over it and have been trying to get over it so I can trust her again.

I'm finding It harder this time. I love this woman with all my heart and it really kills me that I can't forget what's happened.

I told her I needed space to get my head sorted. I don't think there'd be much point in continuing the relationship if an issue like that can't be overcome.

Last night, I was very drunk and Made a mistake. I kissed another girl. I don't know wheither or not to tell her. My female friends say I shouldn't. They say I should at it to show myself that even if you love someone you can make a mistake.

What do you think I should do?

And please, unless you've been in a serious adult relationship, don't reply here. It's the opinions of these people that I'm after.

If there is no way she can find out i wouldnt tell her as it would eat her up... and she would feel she'd have to do something about it ... it seems to me you really care for her and it was a total mistake ... the less she knows the better :P

lifelonglufc

Ok not to sound like a p*ick but she lost your trust twice, and you've cheated on her, yet you say you love her?

Hmmmm....can't say i'd be so sure man. Think ya need to have a long chat and look at yourself. Where is this relationship gonna go, if after 9 months, there has been such issues?

Did ye ever really sort those out in the first place? I think not if you constantly go back to that lack of trust feeling you get about her.

Now you've just acted on that feeling by kissing another girl.

Sorry man, but I certainly would try get away from this one and clear my head and start fresh elsewhere when I was ready again.

adamski8

dont tell her and dump her, you'll look good that way as you have grounds to dump her for cheating on you

LegacyUser

I was cheated on by my BF (now husband) in the very early stages of our relationship. It was 2 years into the relationship before I found out and it completley devastated me. It took a long time for me to fully get over it and still (12 years on) it hurts me if I think about it. I think what hurt me most was that it took 2 years for him to eventually tell me.
I loved him so much and I knew how sorry he was, he did everything he could to show me how much he loved me.

The moral of the story is we were really in love, he broke my trust, but we worked at it (and sometimes we were very near breaking point) and we are now very happily married.

Only you know if she can deal with it, but make sure if / when you do decide to tell her that you are prepared to answer all her questions, explain why you did it (& "I don't know why" or "I was drunk" is not an answer). You obviously have some issues yourself with her, but from my experience, honesty is the only policy.

Good luck in whatever you decide and I really do hope it works out for you both.

LegacyUser

you cheated because you were feeling insecure about your relationship, now you're on here feeling remorse and declaring that you love her. Was it just a kiss? Do you really love your girlfriend?
If you love her and it was only just a kiss my advice is to learn from this experience, you've discovered your true inner feelings that you love her. Use this as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, simply forgive her for those two situations where you lost trust in her, and don't tell her about your kiss. No need to open up another wound which could result in the relationship ending.
Can you trust your friends? If you don't tell and she hears at a later stage from the friends then you are simply investing time in a relationship which will blow up in your face!! If you feel they'll tell then it's time to face the music and accept that she'll probably want to split from you, especially if you've given her a hard time in the past over issues of trust.
I posted here on earlier in the week that I was in a similar situation, I kissed another girl when I was about a 12 months into a relationship, I felt terrible about it, but I never told my girlfriend. She's now my wife and we're happily married 18 years!! Would a kiss have been serious enough to end what became a wonderful family....and NO I've only ever kissed and slept with my wife since that mistake all those years ago.....and it was only a kiss, nothing more!
I did it because I was insecure, I was in love but wasn't sure what love was, I was scared of my own feelings, especially a desire to propose to my girlfriend at the time. With a few drinks and a little attention I think deep down I wanted to test if these feelings for my girlfriend were real or were they feelings because she happened to be around me most of the time. In other words were they feelings I'd have had for any female. I discovered that true love is a special feeling and from the moment the kiss started I was ashamed of myself and scared of losing someone very special. If I had told her she would have dumped me and I deserved to be dumped. If she had done the same thing herself I'd prefer not to have heard and have experienced 18 years with her living in ignorance about a simple kiss.
Sleeping around is a different matter, that's the ultimate betrayal and needs to be confessed.

Hman09

I believe that she is not good enough for you. She did it twice. You would think people learn from the first mistake, some people don't. And to me it sounds like she thinks she can get away with it.

Your beating yourself over one kiss here...it shows you too are different in that sense of what matters. And what matters is that YOU are too good for her. You need someone better.

I'm in the same situation as you regarding the whole going out for 9months and things have happened to betray our trust...we're madly in love with them and we think they are the best we can ever get! That's what I thought for a really long time until today, people opened my mind to how silly I am for being with a girl like that. So come on, lets jump off the same boat, go find some real woman that treat us right! Dump the gf...at the end of the day, its not worth it. This trust thing will stick with you, no matter how hard you try to get rid of it...it always comes back to haunt you. If she loved you, she wouldn't have done this to you! She clearly doesn't care and taking risks to hurt you...Once again I say: shes not worth it...end it now before you get more stuck in and it gets worse. Believe me, it gets worse...