Trying to move on but ex making life difficult

BAF

Please can someone help me!!! i feel like i am going out of my mind. i split up my ex partner who i was with for nine years and had three lovely kids with approx 4 and a half years ago. i am now in a relationship with a lovely fella and have been for 4 years. we are engaged about 6 months now and plan to get married next year. All sounds good only my two eldest kids (11 and 9) wont have anything to do with my new partner. The 11 year old since the beginning of the relationship and the 9 year old only in the last year or so. (after a weekend visit to his fathers) we have tried everything to make it easier for them but they wont have a bar of it. They wont even speak to my new partner if they happen to be around when he visits and they will leave the room. Now my fiance only calls to the house when the kids are in bed so as not to upset them. The plan is for my new partner to move in soon but my two eldest have said that they will go and live with there father if that happens and he has said to them that they can do that. He has made the kids feel guiltly if they speak about my new partner and has told them that he would love to break his neck!!! etc. He also told them that he was the reason for us breaking up, which he wasnt. The reason that i left him was because he was a bully and i couldnt live with his emotional and verbal abuse anymore and it was not a very nice environment for me or three young children. I was also told by my youngest (7) who has no problem with my new relationship or my new partner that anytime she speaks about my new partner or goes out with us that her father smartly asks her "How did you get on with your new daddy???? I dont know what to do. I have custody of the kids but there father is a also a guardian. He is constantly telling me that he is going to go for custody of the kids and telling me how useless of a mother i am. (which i know i am not). Please if anyone can help or is in a similiar situation i would love to hear your response. I suppose i should mention that the children have a nightly visit with their father every second saturday and he calls to see them unannounced a couple of times a week and parks outside my house and talks to them in his car i do not want to stop my children seeing there father but would prefere if he did it somewhere other than outside my front door!!! any suggestions on how to stop that also grateful. thanks

LegacyUser

Regularise it, that's what normally happens. You don't want him at your front door unannounced, and I'm sure he wouldn't want you at his.

Works best for everyone - space leaves everybody with the room they need to get on with their lives

Nervous Wreck

Firstly his threats of going for custody of the kids are idle. He wouldn't get it, for the simple reason that you are providing them with a stable environment and no judge would rule in favour of disturbing that for no good reason.

Secondly, consider bringing the children to a counselor. Kids can often have a problem with these issues and if you handle it the wrong way, it could make it an awful lot worse.

Third, talk to their father. It doesn't seem like you have a good relationship with him so even start off with an e-mail asking (very calmly) to discuss the issues at hand. Explain to him your concerns for your children. He sounds extremely immature tbh. After 4 years, he should really be better at handling it and, worse than that, the only thing he's doing is passing his immature issues on to his children. Bad parenting.

Lastly, talk to your kids. Don't give out or anything like that. See things from their perspective and explain to them that your OH is in no way trying to replace their father. Ask them to see him more as a friend than a father figure and reassure them that you would never try to keep them from seeing their dad. That's probably what they want most; reassurance.