Did I do the right thing? Can people change?

LegacyUser

Hey y'all,

I'm a regular reader & occasionally poster but going unreg for this. Sorry about the rant - goign to be long. Just want to get others opinions...

Basically, I've recently broken up with my boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. However, I 've come to realise that he was not the person I thought he was. Abit of background...

Close to the start of the relationship (within the first 3months) I found out the he cheated on me - emotional - but cheating none the less. I found out as I was on his laptop one day & saw a pretty compromising picture of her...I know I shouldn't be looking but something made me too...Ended it, forgave him - as he was in bits - really liked him etc tried to trust him...

But I knew I was getting more & more parnoid.. fast forward a few months when he went on a holiday with a group of his mates from home. Was invited but didn't have the holidays etc. anyways trusted him - not completely but saw the pictures - all good. Then he starts sleep talking one night that he had invited his ex etc & on went the story - I couldn't believe it - confronted him the next day & which he completely denied, then admitted...

Then I found myself checking his f/b hi5 accounts daily, scrutinising everything, fighting over little things - obvious now that I didn't trust him, but I thought I loved him... Had problems with a stalker of his etc...

Another night I was on his laptop to check a bus time and got a huge urge to check his history which I did - know I shouldn't but I did..ashamed of it now... Turned out he had signed up for a dating site... Well I flipped - got the story that himself and his housemate were messing one night when they got a spam mail & were messing... accepted it as I wanted to believe him...Had another row over exes & I thought finally we got everything cleared & out there, that we loved each other, were in love, so sorry, stupid mistake etc yada yada

Then I saw he accepted a new friend from a girl who he met through one of fb applications and I realised he never going to stop this. He can't leave his online personality alone. He says he's just making friends and not to be so possive - major fighting & I finished it. But he was hiding them from me. Which I know I did the right thing as he knew how uncomfortable I was with the whole chatting to random women even though he swore there was no flirting etc. He just comes across as sneaky and a liar... yet why do I feel empty? I mean I broke it off with him - he won't change - I don't deserve this treatment. But again - all I seem to be remembering is our good times... I don't know what I'm asking really - how do you stop the maybe I'll give him a second chance... I think I need to be shook or something lol

Thanks for reading...

spudington16

Looks like your paranoia paid off this time, and since his acitivities are a bit suspect and you don't appear to have any trust in him maybe you're better off apart. I think it sounds like you read too much into things though - you were essentially FB-stalking your OH from what you've said, and checking up on him. If you have that little trust in someone you're probably not good for each other.

LegacyUser

OP here..

Thanks Spudlington for your reply. O I know I ended up fb stalking him for the last few months - couldn't help myself. I just couldn't trust him and I have a thousand other lil stories that I can see now -how he didn't help that. And I know if you can't trust - shouldn't be together but he's hard to give up!!

Beruthiel

SomeWhereInTime wrote: »

shouldn't be together but he's hard to give up!!

The amount of people posting here with no pride or self respect is quite shocking.

You deserve better, you know you do, so why the hell is it difficult to dump someone who treats you like this?

LegacyUser

OP Here...

Thanks Beruthial for your reply - spot on. It's amazing that I need someone else to tell me that. I guess I just need validation on my actions, when I obviously wasn't happy. I need to trust myself.

I can see that now. Thanks for the jackboot

I'll just put it down to experience & move on!! Only thing for it

LegacyUser

Your story strikes a chord with me OP, i've been in a similar situation myself not too long ago, everthing was perfect for the first couple of months then i got a funny feeling in my gut that something wasn't right. Im far from a jealous or possessive person but if i feel like i'm being taken advantage of i belive i am justified in checking this out, not invading the persons privacy but keeping my eyes open and putting two and two together. The rose tinted glasses can prevent us from seeing alot of red flags. I discovered however, from a friend that he was online not only flirting but arranging to meet other women, all whilst seeing me. This hit me in the face like a bus, even though i knew there was something wrong all along, it doesn't make it sweeter to swallow reality. I confronted him, but all i got were lies, even though i had concrete proof. I realised that this person didn't love me, i was just a contingency plan whilst they kept searching elsewhere. Situations like this can bring out the worst in the injured partner and make you seem like your losing your head. What you need to do is realise this person is not the person you love, they probably never existed. A trustworthy and respectful partner would never jeopardise your relationship like this or make you feel insecure. A lot of people use FB and friendly flirting occurs but it should all be in the open when in a relationship, no hiding etc. Trust your instincts, do what you know is right and you deserve better than this. Learn from this and move on.

LegacyUser

OP Here...

Thanks unregistered for your reply. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind each time - I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew something was wrong but everything was explained away rationally by him.

Your right - he never really existed - who I thought he was anyways. I'll def be moving on!!

I'm sorry to hear you were in that situation too. Onwards & upwards - does hurt to realise how long I put up with it.

All the best

Beruthiel

SomewhereInTime wrote: »

I'll just put it down to experience & move on!! Only thing for it

Good girl!

SomwhereInTime

SomwhereInTime wrote: »

OP Here...

Thanks unregistered for your reply. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind each time - I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew something was wrong but everything was explained away rationally by him.

Your right - he never really existed - who I thought he was anyways. I'll def be moving on!!

I'm sorry to hear you were in that situation too. Onwards & upwards - does hurt to realise how long I put up with it.

All the best

That's the thing OP, the way everything is explained so rationally. I knew my ex was sneaky but it shocked me to the core the way he looked me in the eyes and told me I was paranoid and that there's no way he would cheat on me. I found out by checking his e-mail and I would do it a thousand times over. He gave me good reason, and I turned out to be right. If I hadn't (and I very nearly didn't) I'd be totally unaware, wasting more time with that idiot. I'd never ignore my gut feeling again.

LegacyUser

OP Here...

Thanks Naya Yummy Hunter for your reply. I honestly believed it too when I looked into his eyes. He probably believed it when he was saying it, but the minute I was out sight, I was was obviously out of mind...

It is shocking though when it turns out to be true. I'm sorry to hear you were in that situation too. It's is not a nice thing to find out.

On one hand, I'm glad to know that I wasn't losing my mind and going crazy. I shall not let this effect me in future though. I will look at this as a learning curve - nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn't give him the satifaction of ruining my future relationships.

Best of luck Naya Yummy Hunter

pow wow

SomewhereInTime wrote: »

But again - all I seem to be remembering is our good times... I don't know what I'm asking really - how do you stop the maybe I'll give him a second chance... I think I need to be shook or something lol

Thanks for reading...

Your post is like something I could have written about someone in my past! You don't have to forget the good times, I still think of that particular ex pretty fondly and even miss him a little. I just recognise that there wasn't enough there for us to make it work.

LegacyUser

Hey guys ,

Im the guy , I did have some stupid Jokes online with my flatmate
did not think it was to much of a big deal but.......forgot about my
girlfriend when I was doing to be honest. I was not looking for anything
was not going with the intent to cheat , there was nothing involved.
She did look on my laptop , did not expect but.......happened.
In the end I did not think of her I did make a mistake , she is right
and I mean that. I do still love her with all my heart even after all this
and never had anything made public before so im a little frecked out but
I can take it. I deserve in one way. I love you but this is getting a little heavy
now as it does with you. If you wanna talk there is always my phone
if not please stop with this , and guys say all you want there is always 2 sides
in the end the little fights can work themselves out if things are done together
and yes there can be lots of little fights , keep them little ones. If you blow them
up then thats it. Time to say goodluck.

LegacyUser

What do you think guys of giving someone a chocolate milk on facebook poker ?

Is that a reason ? Oh my gilrfeind was on my facebook profile page and was very proud

to have my friends see her there.

LegacyUser

hey ya

just read your thread, i sometimes read these things and so far haven't ever felt the need to reply, but when i read your post i just had to reply. Im just in shock that you would start a relationship which such a lack of trust in your partner!! and to go through their stuff is a complete violation of any tiny bit of trust you had to begin with!! even if you had "stumbled" upon these images of a previous girl he might have dated before you, you should have brought it up directly with him and asked why he hadnt deleted it, sometimes people forget to delete things off their pc's.

you seem to think and analysis small things way too much!! blowing them out of porportion! and to stalk your own boyfriend, that doesnt seem normal and then you said you were in love, how can you fully be in love wit someone you clearly couldnt trust... i think that was very wrong of you. that and going through his things. shame on you!!

Im all about going wit your gut feelings, but if you feel somethings not up you talk to the person, not nag them about what you found out from their past, or online..

i hope the next relationship you get into you learn to leave your baggage behind, and try and trust them. and learn to go with the flow!! relationships are meant to be fun, full of learning to love each other, sure their are ups and downs but communication is th key, and please dont stalk your next one!! dont keep these bad habits!!!

hope you learn to forgive and realise mayb you were both at fault..

upthefarawaytree

Slutmonkey57b

SomewhereInTime wrote: »

Then I found myself checking his f/b hi5 accounts daily, scrutinising everything, fighting over little things - obvious now that I didn't trust him, but I thought I loved him... Had problems with a stalker of his etc...

Was the stalker you?

Then I saw he accepted a new friend from a girl who he met through one of fb applications and I realised he never going to stop this. .... He just comes across as sneaky and a liar...

Don't worry, you come out of it smelling like roses.

Seriously, he almost cheated on you once. You broke up and then forgave him. You then spent the rest of the relationship stalking the **** out of the guy. You're the one that decided to get back with him. Leave the guy alone and remember not to give people second chances when they do something that affects you that badly.