Dating online

LegacyUser

I have been talking to a man online for over ten months and we get on great.I have fallen in love with him,his kindness and and warmth and how funny and sweet he is.
He was meant to come over twice but both times something has happened and had to cancel:( . He has been very upset about not been able to get here and for letting me down.
We have gone through alot together over the last months and we have come out other end of doubts strong.My problem is everytime i ask him to come for a weekend even he wont discuss it,all he will say when i come i want to come for a few weeks and go on holiday with you,as he wants to take time off work.But he has been saying soon he wil be over although he still wont give me a date because he said work ont let him off.When i ring him his phone is off but yet he tells me of how his girl mates ring him and keep him on the phone all time.I will say can i ring you for few minutes but he will just say no everytime, to be honest i am not great with phones with anyone i like face to face conversation and find writing easier.But i would like a few phone calls now and again even if to say good night or good morning,so we spend everyday on msn.He has only rang me four times he said he gets so nervous talking to me and thats why.
Other thing is he will cancel meeting his girl mates by phone call or text but when late to come on to me he wont let me know.Lately i am feeling a little second to everything.I know he has a life over there and friends and cant sit in with me everyday on msn.Also now he has this girl mate who is around all the time he will even answer the phone to her when i am talking with him and not tell me he is on the phone.He makes remarks at me when she is there like she is at it again,at what i will say.and he will say trying to kiss him.He laughs it off but it really hurts even though he makes it like a big joke and constantly says she is just a mate in his eyes.But will talk to her for like ten minutes and leave me sitting there on msn

I do worry i am over reacting to it all and just let things fall into place but then again i am worried if i dont show this is hurting me he will think i dont care.
I am so confused i dont know what to do,because i am not without my faults and he does love me with them as i do him,But feeling second to another woman with the man you love is tearing me up inside:(

andreac

Sounds like hes married and enjoying the fun of the online thing. Trust me, ive been there and i know all the signs and it sounds exactly like a situation i was in until i found out.
How can you love someone that you havent actually met yet? Until you actually meet in person you dont know how you will get on, it can be very different when you meet someone in person after being online with them.

People can say and do things to make you like them and make themselves into people they arent, just to try and impress you.
Ive done the online thing and met up with guys i thought id get on with and we didnt click. You think you can fall for someone online but until you actually meet this person i wouldnt be saying you are totally in love with them just yet.

Have you seen pics of this person? If hes not willing to meet then i would give him an ultimatum or time frame to meet and if he doesnt then i would end it, as its sounds like hes never going to meet up.

eddie.fandango

You've never met this man.
He is not your boyfriend.
He is not your husband.

It sounds like he's not being forthright with you, there's something fishy about him. It's seems fairly likely that he is holding something back from you, or he isn't who he says he is. I think you should try to place less emphasis on this relationship and find a man the good ol' fashioned way.

...on an unrelated topic, what age are you?

LegacyUser

andreac wrote: »

Sounds like hes married and enjoying the fun of the online thing. Trust me, ive been there and i know all the signs and it sounds exactly like a situation i was in until i found out.
How can you love someone that you havent actually met yet? Until you actually meet in person you dont know how you will get on, it can be very different when you meet someone in person after being online with them.

People can say and do things to make you like them and make themselves into people they arent, just to try and impress you.
Ive done the online thing and met up with guys i thought id get on with and we didnt click. You think you can fall for someone online but until you actually meet this person i wouldnt be saying you are totally in love with them just yet.

Have you seen pics of this person? If hes not willing to meet then i would give him an ultimatum or time frame to meet and if he doesnt then i would end it, as its sounds like hes never going to meet up.

Thanks for your quick reply xx i really appreciate it.

How did you find out they were married?

I know we have to meet for us to see where it will go from there.I am getting to that stage where i am wondering if he has any intention of coming at all,Then i question myself thinking how could he spend so much time online with me and it all to be a game? I have said that to him before and he said why would he be wasting his time online with me when he could be off doing things with his mates and not to be worrying he will come soon.

I have seen only one picture of him,his thing is he wants to see my face the first time i see him properly.I am ok with the pic thing that doesn't bother me although i would like some as my family keep asking me what he looks like.
I have offered to fly over for a weekend to him but he said better if he came here first and met my family so they don't feel worried when i do go over with him.
I trust who he is and i don't believe he is married as he spends majority of time with me on msn and texts me the minute he wakes up.
I am listening to what you are saying to me,
Any ideas or advice how to approach it to find out, without seeming like i am putting pressure on him as he says it makes him very upset as he has already let me down.
What way would you put the ultimatum,when he says its due to work he is unable to fly over.

Thanks so much for your reply xxxx

LegacyUser

eddie.fandango wrote: »

You've never met this man.
He is not your boyfriend.
He is not your husband.

It sounds like he's not being forthright with you, there's something fishy about him. It's seems fairly likely that he is holding something back from you, or he isn't who he says he is. I think you should try to place less emphasis on this relationship and find a man the good ol' fashioned way.

...on an unrelated topic, what age are you?

Isnt it true that a man if he really cares about a girl he will ring her and he would jump on a plane and fly over for a weekend to see her if he really wanted to and not be going off with his Girl mate all time and telling me things like that about her.

Yeah i get that feeling but then i think am i been just to senstive and as he isnt with me yet maybe i should chill and just let what happens happen.
I am in my 30's

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Ash.J.Williams

Is this for real?

andreac

Hes obv enjoying the attention from you at the moment and thats why hes spending so much time online.
How did i find out he was married? when his wife walked in on us at his house, which he told me was just his, but thats another story. He had a baby on the way too, i was nearly sick when i found out, it had been going on for nearly ten months too and i didnt have a clue, he told me lie after lie which i believed as i take people for face value.
Its been 10 months and he still hasnt met up with you?? alarm bells ringing there, he isnt going to come, if he was he would have by now.

He says he cant come over coz of work, does he work 7 days a week?? i doubt it, im sorry, he sounds full of sh** if you ask me, all the signs are there, you just need to read them and realise that hes stringing you along.

Why are you wasting time on someone who wont meet up with you, you say his phone is off when you try to ring him, why is his phone off?? prob coz he doesnt want you ringing as his wife/girlf is around. There are so many married people on those dating sites, trust me.

Ash.J.Williams

I think the guy sounds like a total spoofer and all contact with him should cease.

lolli

Op,

In fairness, in ten months he cant spare one day to meet you? thats a lot of bull. If you meant anything to him he would make the effort to see you.

I agree with others that say he is probably married and just looking for someone to talk to who will boost his ego.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

And she is standing by as he is talking to me online and saying he loves me and and talking on mic?


Thanks Donegalfella thats the thing he says he is very serious with me and wants it to work with me.But i think for us to do that we need to do everyday things together.
I will do that thanks alot

LegacyUser

andreac wrote: »

Hes obv enjoying the attention from you at the moment and thats why hes spending so much time online.
How did i find out he was married? when his wife walked in on us at his house, which he told me was just his, but thats another story. He had a baby on the way too, i was nearly sick when i found out, it had been going on for nearly ten months too and i didnt have a clue, he told me lie after lie which i believed as i take people for face value.
Its been 10 months and he still hasnt met up with you?? alarm bells ringing there, he isnt going to come, if he was he would have by now.

He says he cant come over coz of work, does he work 7 days a week?? i doubt it, im sorry, he sounds full of sh** if you ask me, all the signs are there, you just need to read them and realise that hes stringing you along.

Why are you wasting time on someone who wont meet up with you, you say his phone is off when you try to ring him, why is his phone off?? prob coz he doesnt want you ringing as his wife/girlf is around. There are so many married people on those dating sites, trust me.

Wow really that happened to you i am really sorry to hear that HUG How people do that is beyond my comprehension.
Yeah i am like you i don't want to make him feel like i don't trust him and i believe in the whole work not letting him time off cause it happens right when your head of a place they give you the time when it suits them more.
See that's what i am convincing myself of.
I have though like you said a weekend two days come Friday night go back Sunday giving me my doubts about it all, and he wont get on a plane and come,but he can go out off for the day with this girl who is just his mate and not ring me or let me know whats going on or where he was or what they did all day.
When i confront him about her he just says she is a mate and to trust him that he only wants to be with me.And if i get upset he gets upset i don't trust him.
I feel tied in knots.
His friends apparently are saying things to him like you don't know her and they are putting doubts in his head.I say only way he will know is to come and find out for himself.

Thanks andreac alot xxxx

LegacyUser

lolli wrote: »

Op,

In fairness, in ten months he cant spare one day to meet you? thats a lot of bull. If you meant anything to him he would make the effort to see you.

I agree with others that say he is probably married and just looking for someone to talk to who will boost his ego.

Thanks lolli i have even offered to fly over myself if he cant get over and he constantly uses the whole,I will come to you first so your family can meet me.I would feel better i came there first he says, just soon i will come.And now i feel like i have no right to even ask him when he is coming.
He is making me feel am i even good enough for him and i am doubting myself, but i know in my heart i have put everything into him and me.
If i go missing for even an hour he is texting and looking for me and saying he is worried about me am i ok,but i cant get a hold of him
Am i been to soft and need to harden up on him.
I am completely confused

foxinsox

OP..you asked for advice so heres mine:

get off msn

delete his number

run away very fast

You should not have to ask a man if you can call him!!!
For him to say no makes it 100 times worse.
If a man really wants to be with you he would crawl over broken glass to be with you.
There are so many signs here that this guy is wrong for you.
Move on with your life and forget about him.
You should not even consider a stranger coming to you for holidays.
You have never met this man.
You cannot be in love with him.

Harsh and hard to take this advice on board but I think it would be dangerous otherwise..

Kimia

Hi OP.

I'm so sorry but it really sounds like he is stringing you along, with no intention of coming to see you or making this a real relationship.

I think that you should move on. It's awful that you have invested 10 months of your time and effort into this man, but as they say, if he was interested he would have visited by now.

You deserve to have someone want to travel thousands of miles through wind, snow and sleet to see you! Not to make excuses.

You deserve better - don't waste any more of your precious time on him. He is standing between you and a good honest loving relationship.

dreamlogic

OP I would also advise that you bring this thing to an end.
It doesn't sound like it's going anywhere.

At the very least take a break from being in constant contact with each other and get on with your real life. If it was me in that situation I would probably write him a clear email rather than get into an msn conversation about it, which could lead to misunderstandings etc.

Then leave it to him to contact you if or when he is ready to meet you. But don't count on it and don't put your life on hold for this person. Get out and meet people and start making other plans for your future. You are missing out on meeting someone who is truly right for you by wasting your time like this. You sound like a nice person who deserves someone better.

Tell your family that you are thinking of ending the relationship, I'm sure they'll be supportive.

Put the whole thing down as experience and move on from it. Best of luck with everything.

LegacyUser

dreamlogic wrote: »

OP I would also advise that you bring this thing to an end.
It doesn't sound like it's going anywhere.

At the very least take a break from being in constant contact with each other and get on with your real life. If it was me in that situation I would probably write him a clear email rather than get into an msn conversation about it, which could lead to misunderstandings etc.

Then leave it to him to contact you if or when he is ready to meet you. But don't count on it and don't put your life on hold for this person. Get out and meet people and start making other plans for your future. You are missing out on meeting someone who is truly right for you by wasting your time like this. You sound like a nice person who deserves someone better.

Tell your family that you are thinking of ending the relationship, I'm sure they'll be supportive.

Put the whole thing down as experience and move on from it. Best of luck with everything.

Thanks so much dreamlogic.xxx
I have said to him on a few occasions is he losing interest in me and would he be happier if we didn't talk anymore.Every time i do he says he doesn't want that all and he cant imagine not been with me anymore.
But i think you are right i need to step back and if he is truly interested he will realise it if i am not so available or he wont.

allabouteve

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks so much dreamlogic.xxx
I have said to him on a few occasions is he losing interest in me and would he be happier if we didn't talk anymore.Every time i do he says he doesn't want that all and he cant imagine not been with me anymore.
But i think you are right i need to step back and if he is truly interested he will realise it if i am not so available or he wont.

But he's not with you, is he?
Don't forget that part, its the most pertinent.

andreac

You have never been with this man so how can you say you cant bear to be without him??
Its only messaging online, nothing more, you might think you know this person, but believe me, you dont, he is wasting your time and lying to you with excuse after excuse.
End this now before you regret wasting anymore time on this idiot. The reason he doesnt want you to go over is because he is obv married or with someone, if he really wanted to see you he would.
He is making a fool out of you and you need to realise this before he makes you feel even worse.
I wouldnt even contact him again, or if you do, just say its over, end of.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been talking to a man online for over ten months and we get on great.I have fallen in love with him,his kindness and and warmth and how funny and sweet he is.
He was meant to come over twice but both times something has happened and had to cancel:( . He has been very upset about not been able to get here and for letting me down.
We have gone through alot together over the last months and we have come out other end of doubts strong.My problem is everytime i ask him to come for a weekend even he wont discuss it,all he will say when i come i want to come for a few weeks and go on holiday with you,as he wants to take time off work.But he has been saying soon he wil be over although he still wont give me a date because he said work ont let him off.When i ring him his phone is off but yet he tells me of how his girl mates ring him and keep him on the phone all time.I will say can i ring you for few minutes but he will just say no everytime, to be honest i am not great with phones with anyone i like face to face conversation and find writing easier.But i would like a few phone calls now and again even if to say good night or good morning,so we spend everyday on msn.He has only rang me four times he said he gets so nervous talking to me and thats why.
Other thing is he will cancel meeting his girl mates by phone call or text but when late to come on to me he wont let me know.Lately i am feeling a little second to everything.I know he has a life over there and friends and cant sit in with me everyday on msn.Also now he has this girl mate who is around all the time he will even answer the phone to her when i am talking with him and not tell me he is on the phone.He makes remarks at me when she is there like she is at it again,at what i will say.and he will say trying to kiss him.He laughs it off but it really hurts even though he makes it like a big joke and constantly says she is just a mate in his eyes.But will talk to her for like ten minutes and leave me sitting there on msn

I do worry i am over reacting to it all and just let things fall into place but then again i am worried if i dont show this is hurting me he will think i dont care.
I am so confused i dont know what to do,because i am not without my faults and he does love me with them as i do him,But feeling second to another woman with the man you love is tearing me up inside:(

Fao OP,

-How can you love someone you never met
-You sound very niave and innocent type of person
-Dump this emotional controlling man ASAP

Salome

Listen OP - he's not single. If he had any feelings for you, he'd crawl through broken glass for you but he's not - so please take the hint.

Where is he from anyway? Tell him you've booked a flight and a hotel for this weekend and that you're coming - see what his reaction is. I bet he'll flip.

He's using you. Full stop.

LegacyUser

Great news guys he is coming

Thanks for all your replies yous helped me alot and made me see things clearer and i rlly apprecaiate it I did what yous told me to do and he is coming.
I will let yous know what happens and how we get on.
oh he lives in new zealand.
xxxxxx

Miss Fluff

foxinsox wrote: »

OP..you asked for advice so heres mine:

get off msn

delete his number

run away very fast

You should not have to ask a man if you can call him!!!
For him to say no makes it 100 times worse.
If a man really wants to be with you he would crawl over broken glass to be with you.
There are so many signs here that this guy is wrong for you.
Move on with your life and forget about him.
You should not even consider a stranger coming to you for holidays.
You have never met this man.
You cannot be in love with him.

Harsh and hard to take this advice on board but I think it would be dangerous otherwise..

x100

How can you possibly love someone you have never even met?

I'd also be concerned by the fact you are spending all your time messaging this person. Why on earth have you wasted all this time on a stranger who doesn't even want to see what you look like?!

Would I be write in surmising that the emails get pretty hot and heavy between you? He's only stringing you along - that much is obvious.

Why don't you cancel your broadband for a month or two and go and meet real, living human beings?

Or failing that, go on a dating site here in Ireland where at least you may have a better chance of meeting single (yes he is most definitley attached) men who at least live in your area?

Just cut him out of your life. He doesn't actually exist as a physical presence in your life - merely a fantasy. Far more healthy for you at this juncture to concentrate on real, unattached people who may actually give a sh1t. You've wasted enough time on him as it is.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

Great news guys he is coming

Thanks for all your replies yous helped me alot and made me see things clearer and i rlly apprecaiate it I did what yous told me to do and he is coming.
I will let yous know what happens and how we get on.
oh he lives in new zealand.
xxxxxx

Missed this post before my last reply.

So you've been in touch for ten months, everything was weird and in the last six hours since your original post he has now done a U-Turn and is coming to visit you from NZ?

M'kay.......

foxinsox

^^^^^ what she said


You cannot possibly love someone you have never met.
I can't see any good coming of this.. :eek:

andreac

I can almost guarantee he will never come to ireland. Just wait and see if he turns up, would hate for him to make a fool of you.

ellie1

Great news guys he is coming

Thanks for all your replies yous helped me alot and made me see things clearer and i rlly apprecaiate it I did what yous told me to do and he is coming.
I will let yous know what happens and how we get on.
oh he lives in new zealand.
xxxxxx

Just for reassurance ask him to send his flight details. If he hasnt booked them yet you will be gauranteed the usual excuses. If he doesnt send them in the next week, get rid of him as he will be stringing you along with the usual work, family etc excuses

merlie

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been talking to a man online for over ten months and we get on great.I have fallen in love with him,his kindness and and warmth and how funny and sweet he is.
He was meant to come over twice but both times something has happened and had to cancel:( . He has been very upset about not been able to get here and for letting me down.
We have gone through alot together over the last months and we have come out other end of doubts strong.My problem is everytime i ask him to come for a weekend even he wont discuss it,all he will say when i come i want to come for a few weeks and go on holiday with you,as he wants to take time off work.But he has been saying soon he wil be over although he still wont give me a date because he said work ont let him off.When i ring him his phone is off but yet he tells me of how his girl mates ring him and keep him on the phone all time.I will say can i ring you for few minutes but he will just say no everytime, to be honest i am not great with phones with anyone i like face to face conversation and find writing easier.But i would like a few phone calls now and again even if to say good night or good morning,so we spend everyday on msn.He has only rang me four times he said he gets so nervous talking to me and thats why.
Other thing is he will cancel meeting his girl mates by phone call or text but when late to come on to me he wont let me know.Lately i am feeling a little second to everything.I know he has a life over there and friends and cant sit in with me everyday on msn.Also now he has this girl mate who is around all the time he will even answer the phone to her when i am talking with him and not tell me he is on the phone.He makes remarks at me when she is there like she is at it again,at what i will say.and he will say trying to kiss him.He laughs it off but it really hurts even though he makes it like a big joke and constantly says she is just a mate in his eyes.But will talk to her for like ten minutes and leave me sitting there on msn

I do worry i am over reacting to it all and just let things fall into place but then again i am worried if i dont show this is hurting me he will think i dont care.
I am so confused i dont know what to do,because i am not without my faults and he does love me with them as i do him,But feeling second to another woman with the man you love is tearing me up inside:(

My dear,

Let me say this to you first. I met my current boyfriend of 5 years online ( and quite by accident ) he lives in England and has come over to see me and I have been over to see him a good few times. I have met his family and been on holiday with him We text or talk on the phone every day and a lot on msn and google talk. He has no problem doing any of this and even requests time off of work for us to go on holiday or for to see each other. I have been very lucky in this respect, as I know that there are a lot of people online who say they are something when they are not.


From your experience. this man has something going on in the background. The fact that it is difficult for him to get time off work to come see you is an excuse. If he can speak to his girl mates then why on earth can he not ring you or allow you to ring him? Sounds like he is hiding something from you. If he wants to be with you he should give you priority over any of his girl mates. Having his phone off is strange. It also seems to me that there is an element of childish behaviour and lack of respect for you, when he leaves you there while talking with his girl mates or this other girl trying to kiss him. It really though sounds to me as he sees you more as a friend than a girl friend. You can make your feelings clear to him, and if he wants to be with you, he will make the move and change his behaviour.

G-Money

I'm sorry OP but I think this guy is stringing you along.

I'm male and I've been in contact with girls I like online and take it from me, if I like them, I will meet up with them (assuming they want to meet as well). Of course everyone get's nervous beforehand but I still go through with it.

Naturally things do come up from time to time and people have to change their plans. But 10 months seems like far too long to be honest. I reckon you probably never will meet this guy. Let's think about it for a second. He only talks to you on MSN. He won't talk to you on the phone. If he won't talk to you on the phone, what makes you think he will travel a great distance to see you? I'm not sure how far away he lives but from your post it seems like it's quite far.

I think you are better off assuming the worst here and starting the process of moving on. I will be stunned if you ever meet this guy and if he has no skeletons (or a wife) in the closet.

I know this really isn't what you want to hear and I'm sorry. I know in your head you will be thinking "They don't know what he's really like, or they don't know what we've been through, he really does love me etc". But I think you are at the point now where you can't see the wood for the trees. If he really liked you, he'd meet up with you, it's as simple as that. I don't know his reasons for stringing you along, but for your own sake, you should just start to forget about him. I know that will be hard and it will hurt. But do you really want to be waiting another 10 months and still be in the same boat?

As others have said, it's kind of hard to fall for someone properly until you've met them. I got in contact with a girl online and I really got to like her but always at the back of my mind was the nagging doubt that we had never met and when we do, it could just turn into nothing.

I'm pretty sure from reading your post this guy will never meet up with you, so I don't think he deserves any more of your time or thoughts.

Start spending less time on MSN. Even right click on his name and click "Block Contact". Or if it's too hard to see him online, just delete his name from your list and when the box pops up choose the option that blocks them too.

And one more thing. Please please please DON'T offer, suggest or agree to go visit him.

LegacyUser

ellie1 wrote: »

Just for reassurance ask him to send his flight details. If he hasnt booked them yet you will be gauranteed the usual excuses. If he doesnt send them in the next week, get rid of him as he will be stringing you along with the usual work, family etc excuses

Thanks alot ellie xxx i will do that i wont be waiting much longer because i do feel in order for us to go forward is for us to spend time doing things together in real life.

taz70

I agree with all the posters here that something else is going on. Having done the online dating thing, I know that if the other person is genuine, they'll shift heaven and earth to try to meet you as soon as they think there is potential for a relationship.

Just one comment though, do ye realise how long it takes to fly from New Zealand and Ireland and back (and how expensive it is)? It's not really possible for someone to do a weekend visit unless you just want them to fly in for a quick coffee in the airport before they have to head home!!!

One thing I do wonder about though - if he really is in New Zealand - is how is he on MSN all day - surely he'd be asleep? Are you sure he is who he says he is?

Just be careful that he doesn't ask you for money. There are a lot of people on these sites that say all the right things, get you hooked on them and the promise of a future together and then ask for money for a ticket.....

And one final thing - I think you already know the answer to your own dilemma. When I'm not sure of something, I think about if my sister or best friend was going through the same thing and what I would recommend to her. So, OP, if your sister/best friend was going through this turmoil, what advice would you give her?:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies guys,its really nice to see so many nice people here

You are all right he has shown again today that he is fecking with my head

Thanks so much take care XXXX

andreac

Why what has he done now?? Surely you can see it for yourself now that he is lying and full of sh**?? how can you not see that? You might think you love him but you dont, you havent even met him and by looks of it you never will.

Why dont you go on an irish dating site instead, how did you manage to find someone from new zealand anyway? Do you honestly think someone is going to come all the way over from there to see someone they have been talking to online? its diff if it was the UK or something.

LegacyUser

andreac wrote: »

Why what has he done now?? Surely you can see it for yourself now that he is lying and full of sh**?? how can you not see that? You might think you love him but you dont, you havent even met him and by looks of it you never will.

Why dont you go on an irish dating site instead, how did you manage to find someone from new zealand anyway? Do you honestly think someone is going to come all the way over from there to see someone they have been talking to online? its diff if it was the UK or something.

yeah i really do he has played me one to many times.I guess because i would never do that i just couldn't see how someone else could after so long.

Nah i wouldn't ever on purpose go on a dating site,I accidentally met him while debating on forum.