In a relationship texting ex is it really cheating if not acted on

LegacyUser

Ok maybe I already know the answer to this but a bit confused about whether I should tell gf or not.

in my mid twenties but for as long as i rememberf ive always had an attraction to older women, always found I enjoyed their company more interesting, sex always better and the list goes on, they know what they want and that suits me fine. current gf is 9 yrs old and things I thought were perfect for just over the year we have been seeing each other. recently I found the phone number of one of the first older women I had a relationship and started finding myself thinking about her. I stupidly texted her a little 'do you remember when' and she replied straight away knowing exactly who I was so hav to admit turned me on that she remembered me. since then we have being texting on and off and I find myself thinking about her more and more although she has said she would like for this to be as far as it goes, happy enough for small talk and sex talk, i agree

after spending the weekend at my gf I'm ridden with guilt, i love her very much but the excitement and the way this other woman made me feel and still makes me feel seems to have taken over me. I wanted to tell my gf what I'd done but couldn't bring myself to do it, can't decide whether there is any point in hurting her if there is nothing going to come out of this texting thing. ive had no contact with other woman since last thurs trying to clear my head but i have an urge to text her. is there really any harm in livin out fantasys when you don't plan on following thru on them or is it realy cheating, my closest mates think there's nothin wrong with it once i don't act on it and shes made it clear thats never going to happen again, thoughts????/

ibarelycare

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok maybe I already know the answer to this but a bit confused about whether I should tell gf or not.

in my mid twenties but for as long as i rememberf ive always had an attraction to older women, always found I enjoyed their company more interesting, sex always better and the list goes on, they know what they want and that suits me fine. current gf is 9 yrs old and things I thought were perfect for just over the year we have been seeing each other. recently I found the phone number of one of the first older women I had a relationship and started finding myself thinking about her. I stupidly texted her a little 'do you remember when' and she replied straight away knowing exactly who I was so hav to admit turned me on that she remembered me. since then we have being texting on and off and I find myself thinking about her more and more although she has said she would like for this to be as far as it goes, happy enough for small talk and sex talk, i agree

after spending the weekend at my gf I'm ridden with guilt, i love her very much but the excitement and the way this other woman made me feel and still makes me feel seems to have taken over me. I wanted to tell my gf what I'd done but couldn't bring myself to do it, can't decide whether there is any point in hurting her if there is nothing going to come out of this texting thing. ive had no contact with other woman since last thurs trying to clear my head but i have an urge to text her. is there really any harm in livin out fantasys when you don't plan on following thru on them or is it realy cheating, my closest mates think there's nothin wrong with it once i don't act on it and shes made it clear thats never going to happen again, thoughts????/

I think we've got bigger fish to fry here :eek:

star-pants

Everyone partakes in harmless flirting from time to time..... but each situation is different.

Question - if your gf was texting an ex of hers, the tone being sexual etc, would you be happy?
You have the urge to text this ex, and to me, sounds like you may have more interest in it than your ex does. Odd flirting is ok, but intentional flirting.... not so much.

ManOfMystery

Look at it like this.

If you found out your gf was texting an old boyfriend and doing exactly what you're doing, how would you feel?

It may not be cheating per se, but IMO it's morally wrong and very deceitful. It shows a lack of respect for your girlfriend.

ibarelycare

Nah, but in all seriousness, you need to stop texting your ex. What's the point? If your current girlfriend isn't satisfying all your sexual needs then you need to talk to her about it. I wouldn't tell her about texting the ex, I would just put a stop to it and move on. You sound like you have a good relationship, why ruin it for some cheap thrills?

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

I think we've got bigger fish to fry here :eek:

sorry as ibarelycare points out it should of course read 9 years OLDER

kittenkiller

Unregistered wrote: »

current gf is 9 yrs old and things I thought were perfect for just over the year we have been seeing each other.

Much bigger fish!!!!!

I presume you meant 9 years older than you?
Why is the age thing such a factor in your post?

LegacyUser

She will catch you. Toyboys are predictable and easily read in my experience. And yes it is cheating.

Oh The Humanity

Yes, of course its cheating.

LegacyUser

Stop texting ur ex, speaking from the girlfriends point of view. My boyfriend ,two and a half yrs into the relationship is still texting his and although its innocent and everything. Im still jealous and worried and i really dont like it. Ur ex is ur ex keep her that way. Your girlfriend should be your main concern not this ex, if you continue you may end up losing your girlfriend and probably than realise the ex was not worth it.

bluecell99

Unregistered wrote: »

Stop texting ur ex, speaking from the girlfriends point of view. My boyfriend ,two and a half yrs into the relationship is still texting his and although its innocent and everything. Im still jealous and worried and i really dont like it. Ur ex is ur ex keep her that way. Your girlfriend should be your main concern not this ex, if you continue you may end up losing your girlfriend and probably than realise the ex was not worth it.

I'm always fascinated as to why people think that texting is harmless fun and provided they dont meet then no harm done.

Sorry but thats blistering balderdash!!!

At the very least it shows a lack of commitment to the relationship;unhappiness at some level;immaturity;a desire for excitement.Why are they so free with the sexual innuendo if they are oh so happy with their current squeeze??

Sorry ,its time to wake up and smell the coffee.If you get your jollies from flirting with others then you ARE NOT in a mutual exclusive relationship.

But as someone who is not that big into relationships considering the amount of head wrecking hassle they seem to cause so maybe I'm not best qualified to speak.

But I do know one thing.The older I get I realise more and more that many folks should not be in a relationship or else they have a very,very skewed belief as to what exactly a relationship is.

LegacyUser

it's not kosher IMO. unless you genuinely are friends and are in contact, by choice or not by, eg mutual friends. but in your case - texting when you're not friends anymore you're flirting outright. decide what you want.

LegacyUser

op here, thanks for replies kinda what i had expected but still wonder for any of you who said it is cheating, is it really any worse than going into chat rooms or lads watching porn is it really cheating if not acted upon. and yes if the shoe was on the other foot i dont think id be impressed but once acted upon it wouldnt matter much. Its time for some serious thinkin on my side as to what i really want besides a slap to cop on but I wonder am i really as happy in the current relationship as i thought i was..

~nop~

It is incredibly different than porn because you know the woman, she's your ex and you've been there before. Just like you said it is time for you to seriously rethink, because you're either committed or not, and it's not fair on your girlfriend.

If you think it's not cheating then why not tell her?

IRISH RAIL

send her a goodbye text then delete her number for good then try to work on your CURRENT relationship.

peekyboo

bluecell99 wrote: »

I'm always fascinated as to why people think that texting is harmless fun and provided they dont meet then no harm done.

Sorry but thats blistering balderdash!!!

At the very least it shows a lack of commitment to the relationship;unhappiness at some level;immaturity;a desire for excitement.Why are they so free with the sexual innuendo if they are oh so happy with their current squeeze??

Sorry ,its time to wake up and smell the coffee.If you get your jollies from flirting with others then you ARE NOT in a mutual exclusive relationship.

But as someone who is not that big into relationships considering the amount of head wrecking hassle they seem to cause so maybe I'm not best qualified to speak.

But I do know one thing.The older I get I realise more and more that many folks should not be in a relationship or else they have a very,very skewed belief as to what exactly a relationship is.

Great post Bluecell, I totally agree with everything you said.

OP it's blatantly wrong what you're doing and you know it! For your current gf's sake, either stop it or break up with her.

merlie

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok maybe I already know the answer to this but a bit confused about whether I should tell gf or not.

in my mid twenties but for as long as i rememberf ive always had an attraction to older women, always found I enjoyed their company more interesting, sex always better and the list goes on, they know what they want and that suits me fine. current gf is 9 yrs old and things I thought were perfect for just over the year we have been seeing each other. recently I found the phone number of one of the first older women I had a relationship and started finding myself thinking about her. I stupidly texted her a little 'do you remember when' and she replied straight away knowing exactly who I was so hav to admit turned me on that she remembered me. since then we have being texting on and off and I find myself thinking about her more and more although she has said she would like for this to be as far as it goes, happy enough for small talk and sex talk, i agree

after spending the weekend at my gf I'm ridden with guilt, i love her very much but the excitement and the way this other woman made me feel and still makes me feel seems to have taken over me. I wanted to tell my gf what I'd done but couldn't bring myself to do it, can't decide whether there is any point in hurting her if there is nothing going to come out of this texting thing. ive had no contact with other woman since last thurs trying to clear my head but i have an urge to text her. is there really any harm in livin out fantasys when you don't plan on following thru on them or is it realy cheating, my closest mates think there's nothin wrong with it once i don't act on it and shes made it clear thats never going to happen again, thoughts????/

The fact that your gf does not know what you are up too, texting your ex, is wrong and deceitful. It may not be cheating but its underhanded and clearly you do not respect your current gf enough to stop this or tell her the truth.

Wibbs

Well funny enough I've been the person who was receiving texts from an ex when she was with another guy she claimed to be completely happy with. Twice in my life actually.

Now these weren't flirty texts as such (in one case anyway). More intimate emotionally, which frankly is worse IMHO. What I learned from those examples was that although they said they were happy with another bloke, clearly I was giving them something emotionally that their partner wasn't. They weren't as happy as they claimed. Not even close, but both of these women would be the types to not leave a relationship even if it was going south. That includes the relationship with me if I'm honest with myself looking back.

Plus the partner wasn't getting all of their emotional life. Not even close. Two people were in their heads. I also learned that in both my examples, although they had split up from me, they hadn't taken the time to understand the reasons behind the split or properly grieved for the relationship they had with me. Both also went straight to the new guy after me. Both those guys were rebounds. One guy spotted it after a year, the other guy as far as I know is still in play. I feel sorry for them TBH at least I had these women's undivided emotional attention. That would be the crux of the matter for me. If I was seeing someone and she was in regular text contact with an ex(and there was not a damn good reason why) I would ask her to stop and then walk. No matter how much I liked her. Big boundary crossed in my book anyway.

LegacyUser

OP back again - Wibbs that was a great post in fairness. i spent last night thinking about my reasons for doing it and although we haven't been in touch for a few days now i'm still reminded of the excitement of the relationship the way she made me feel, the anticipation of meeting up with her even though it was only over a couple of months. my current relationship is something i had looked for but i'm wondering now has it got what i need in it. I wanted to be part of a relationship like all my mates around me who seemed to have been in solid ones for a couple of years when i played a bit of jack the lad. this is my longest relationship and for the most a good one but then I wonder how good when i text someone else (never did before this) so maybe wibbs you are right im not 100% with my current gf if i am thinking about someone else but can't help thinking that alot of relationships are built on compromise and is there anyone who can really say they are 100% happy and satisfied with their gf/ wife etc. Still mighty confused, even if their is no contact with this blast from the past i wonder has it sown seeds of doubt in my mind now and am I really with the right person or will there ever be a right person where i dont compare them to they way my ex made me feel..

Wibbs

Well I can only speak for myself and I am fully aware I am unusual enough in only having been in love twice in my life. I'm also aware that I would be quite an either or kinda person emotionally, which may explain the first sentence, but... When I was deeply emotionally involved with someone, I emotionally bonded with them pretty much 100%. I was happy with them in my life. My life and my psyche was so much better for their presence in it. So yes I was happy with them in my life 100%. I may have not been happy with them(or me in the relationship) 100% and yes there may have been ups and downs and I certainly noticed other women on a physical plane, but I didn't have the notion of someone else in my head emotionally. I really didn't. Even with women I was "just" fond off, I didn't think emotionally of other women.

IMHO and this may come out wrong I dunno, but anyway.... I honestly believe that a large proportion of relationships are compromises and not always healthy ones. Yes all healthy relationships require emotional compromise, but I think far too often people settle for relationships that have too much unhealthy compromise. They have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and that's it rather than an intimate lover that you bond to on a deeper level. I've had both and there is a marked difference. I could be wrong but I think you may be in that and for the most common reason too.

All your mates are in relationships. You see this and figure you should be in one. That pressure can put you with someone that is OK, maybe even pretty good for you, but just not the right person for you. It's very common. I would say it's common to both genders, but I think in my experience anyway, women tend to do it more as the pressure to have a successful relationship is higher among their peers and society. Regardless, this need for the social proof of having someone, anyone vaguely compatible is a strong one. Some even end up hitched to that person and then wonder 10 years down the line why something is missing(and I don't just mean the passion) I think you've fallen into this.

If the ex made you feel this way and the current woman doesn't well that would tell me that you're with the wrong woman. Maybe I'm being too black and white about it, but that's how I would feel. If there's two people in your heart, you don't have enough heart for just one of them and neither can fill that gap on their own.

Will you feel that way about someone again? I would say yes. You will have that same connection though it will be different, but no less strong. That was my experience with my two anyway, though they were ten years apart. I'm slow what can I say:D.