Family falling apart

LegacyUser

I am just after coming back from a weekend down home with my dad and i am just so worried about him I don't know what to do.
Let me start from the start..... my mam died in a farm accident about a year ago. Since then my dad has been living on the farm on his own, my brother and I live away from home as there are no jobs for us in that part of the country. I am in Dublin so it is approx a 5 hr drive home for me. Lately my dad has become more down in himself that he was before, this evening he said that he can't take much more of being alone. I just don't know what to do for him, I can't move home as I will have to give up my job and my life here (I know this is selfish but I know that if I moved home I wouldn't be able to leave). Recently my brother has become very annoyed with him over small things and is giving dad the cold sholder treatment. I have tried my hardest to get them to make up but no luck. My dad is just so lonely, it breaks my heart everytime I go home or talk to him on the phone. he doesn't really have any close friends around as mam was his best friend and they did everything together. He won't go to counselling either.
I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks myself since my mam's death, this has got worse lately and I am so stressed I keep crying at work and I can't sleep at night. I feel like my family has just fallen apart and I am afraid for my dad. I miss my mam so much, I am just at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I would be really grateful for any advice.

Nervous Wreck

I don't even know what to say or what advice to offer... I'm really sorry for everything your family is going through........


Is there any way you can even just take a few days off to spend with your dad? Maybe even convince your bro to do the same? Sounds like a terribly painful situation....

dreamlogic

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. It sounds like you are doing your best to get on with life and you are doing the right thing by keeping your job and you are also making the journey home to visit, trying to keep the family together etc. You are not being selfish at all so there is no way you should be thinking that. I'm sure your Dad wouldn't want you to move back just for his sake, it's just that he is finding it very difficult to cope with the bereavement.

Is there no-one, aunt, uncle or some older family member, someone who lives nearby that maybe could visit your Dad from time to time? It could be that he is too proud or whatever to admit to others how difficult it is for him to cope.

LegacyUser

hi hun,

i am so sorry for what you are going through. All your emotions are completely natural for what you have gone through and you are in no way being selfish. It sounds like a terrible burden but you will get through it. Maybe you should consider ringing the samaritains, it might be nice to just talk to a live person and let it all out. I don't know if you are religious but maybe talking to a priest would help also. As for your dad, like someone said above, are there any more family members you could confide in? In times like this family should and will stick together. I imagine your brother is dealing with your loss in his own way which unfortunately has resulted in him becoming angry and lashing out. Are there any social activities you could get your dad involved in? Maybe cards or something? My grandmother lived outside of town but played bridge every week and I know she enjoyed the regular social activity. Maybe there is an organisation who could help your dad too, like age action: http://www.ageaction.ie/vision-and-mission.htm

he is still dealing with the loss of your mom and I imagine talking would help him a lot too. Again, maybe he could talk to the local priest?

I hope you are ok and I wish you the best of luck. Please post back if you think you can be helped in any other way. Good luck!!!

E xx

SW81

God your story breaks my heart. Is there any organisation nearby that could help him? Any clubs that he could join? Any family or friends? Would he be interested in playing cards? I know loads of rural areas have card nights once a week in community halls. Would anything like that interest him? Just the thought of him being all alone every day by himself and being so lonely is heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you hun, you're trying your best and I know it's a difficult situation for you to be in too, you're not being selfish at all. But ring and visit him whenever you can, I know you're 5 hours away but even a quick 2 minute phone call every evening might cheer him up when he's at his lowest.

JuliusCaesar

Talk to your family GP. He will be used to this sort of thing and may have some ideas. At the very least, you can warn him that your father is depressed. He might be able to arrange for a Community Mental Health Nurse to call in.

Millie

Hang in there.
I've been through something similar when my Dad died.
I felt my Mam was very dependant on us (me especially) & I felt totally responsible for her.
However as time passed she did manage to find her feet somewhat.
Do not give up your own life as now more than ever you need "you time".
Good luck.

One thing to do would be to find things he likes doing and arrange to do them with him. This way you do not have to move home but there will always be at least one thing to look forward to. For example if he is a big fan of a particular sport then try and get tickets, and if necessary flights, to a big game in the future. Arrange something far enough in advance and costs are not even that high.

Or something else, not just sport. You get the idea.

Always having something to look forward to in this fashion is a small way to keep spirits up without you being there all the time. Small things help, if not immediately cure, issues like this. Sometimes small things get people out of depression far enough just to get them to a point where they can pull themselves the rest of the way. You can not do everything yourself and he has to do some of it too. Small gestures and things to focus on like this however can give the energy and motivation to let him do it.

Missyu

There's a lot of good suggestions here. Talking to the GP sounds like a plan. If you want to go a little left of centre, a trip away might do everyone a world of good.

It can be hard for us, when we are surrounded by the same thing, day in and out to hear the words "you need to be nicer to dad" & "Dad, you have to lift yourself out of this". But a week away somewhere nice, where there are events and activities planned might give you all a much needed boost.

As for taking care of your Dad - it's not your job. How would you feel about counseling for you?

Best of luck with it all. I don't believe we are sent anything that we can't handle. You will see better days. And from all of the advice and support you've received here, hopefully today will be the start of the better days.

Taltos

OP - we had to go to our Mum's GP over her depression and her dependence on "crutches".
It was a hard slog but do not give up your life - if you do all that will happen is you will come to hate your dad.
Your bro's behaviour is just his was of dealing with this - he is feeling frustrated and angry not just at your dad but at himself too. He probably cannot understand why your dad just cannot get on with it.

In my mum's case - counselling / medication definitely helped - at least she is sleeping now, though still on sleeping tablets. The other thing was a woman up the road is now a great friend of hers - they are inseparable and meet regularly. Being the same generation they have loads to talk about - sometimes just nonsense - but she really looks forwards to the days they meet up and go for a coffee.

So try all that was mentioned above - but GP might be a good place to start - they may also know some neighbour they can prompt into calling down as well.

But think really carefully before you sacrifice your life like this...
Why not get him up to Dublin the odd weekend for a trip around - you know make up something about needing some DIY or some-such and take him out and about - might give him something to look forward to - though if he is suffering from depression - he might not want to leave his town even for a day.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, it is good to tell someone how bad i feel. I have been doing alot of the things suggested, I ring twice a day and I try to get him to go places with me. I don't know if it is really depression. He is very chatty to people he meets, I took him to a friend's wedding a few weeks ago and he chatted away to loads of people that he didn't know. He sometimes visits people that he knows around the area but the last evening when I was alone with him he said that he felt ashamed going round to people's houses, but he is so lonesome he has to do something. His brother and sister both live far away and to be honest they would not be much help anyway. He doesn't have any real interests outside farming stuff. He likes going to horse fairs and stuff like that. I have tried suggesting that he learns cards or something like that but he says he has no interest in that. He doesn't drink so he feels awkard going to the pub. He doesn't even watch much tv or anything, his evenings used to be spent chatting to mam. I have trawled the internet looking for some club or something for people in a similar situation but there seems to be nothing in the locality. My brother is making me so mad... he is so cruel about dad. He says that he talks too much, rambles on and repeats the same old stories and that no one would want to listen to him. This is upsetting me so much because I know my dad rambles on a bit but he is a good man and he would give u the shirt off his back.

Taltos

The thing you / your brother need to remember though it sounds you know - is for years your father was part of a set, now for the first time maybe in his adult life he needs to find out who he is. This "rambling" etc is just his brains mechanism to adjust. Short term it is ok, long term you might need to keep an eye on that, every so often I have to let my mum know that she told me something just the day before.

The internet might not be the best place to find things for folk of his generation. Maybe a local priest/rector would have some ideas, at a minimum they would know of other people in the area who are also alone.

As to how your father feels about visiting the neighbours, that again is natural, he is now alot more conscious of just him going to talk to them, but hopefully if the neighbours are good that will pass. Maybe suggest to him that if he feels that bad about calling around to invite some of them over maybe some evening or even for Sunday lunch.

But you are doing everything right here. As to your brother - yup he sounds like an ass, but he probably has his head buried so he does not have to cope with his grief - much easier to direct anger at your dad than face up to the fact that his mum is gone.

Bear with it and also find someone you can talk to. It does help to unload now and again. Just be patient with your dad - and resist the temptation to force him to do anything, like a newborn right now he has to find himself and his own new way now.