So bored with my marriage

LegacyUser

Hi,

Don't know why I'm writing this because I know what I'll be told in advance (that we should get counselling etc.) I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same and if it's possible to get through this.

I got married at 25 to my first proper boyfriend. We're married nearly 7 years now and have 2 kids. To be perfectly honest I don't think I was ever truly in love with him. I hate admitting that. He's a great guy, good-looking, faithful, a great father and provider.... but we don't talk anymore. He was never a big conversationalist and isn't funny, which are traits I rate really highly in a man, and when I think of being with someone I can't even talk to for the rest of my life I find it so depressing. I turn to friends for a real chat and a laugh and that's mainly at work. I often think about having an affair (but I would never go through with it).

I know loads and loads of women would envy such a great man and would say I'd be mad to think of giving him up, but the lack of any sort of conversation and fun is awful. Our sex life is almost non-existant. He has a very low drive. The weird thing is though, he says he's deliriously happy with our relationship so it'd be devastating for him to find out I'm not happy. I think he loves me way more than I love him, and always did. I'm very doubtful that I would ever leave, mostly because of the kids, but can anyone let me know if/how they got through a similar situation. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Oh my god im so sorry for you its sounds like your in a really tough situation, especially with the children aswell. i dont know what to say to you because i can understand that leaving isnt an option for you right now. But im just curious about your husband, you say he's very happy with the way your relationship is but does he not have any idea that your not happy??? how can that be if your husband and wife? surely he would know that something wasnt right.

Lollipops23

don't let the kids be the reason you stay; take it from me, parents splitting up does not fúck kids up as much as some people seem to think!!it'll probably be more upsetting for them to witness their mother slowly lose her mind in an unhappy marriage. seriously,if you're not happy leave. apart from anything else your hubby deserves someone who's not settling for second best...and so do you. it's not a crime to fall out of love with someone...or to simply not want to be with them.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

you say he's very happy with the way your relationship is but does he not have any idea that your not happy??? how can that be if your husband and wife? surely he would know that something wasnt right.

You would be surprised. Many men when deep in a relationship get stuck in a rut and the status quo is what counts. He may even see it but deny it to himself and the world. I see this a lot with men I know and have known.

LegacyUser

I agree. I find it amazing that he thinks we're really happy. I have never told him I'm unhappy, because there are some days when I'm ok with things, and we have lots of good family times with our kids so I suppose he thinks that's all that counts. I have, on occasion, said something like, 'I feel like we're not close anymore' and it totally floored him. I used to bring up our lack of sex life, but he always just said it was nothing to do with me, just his drive, and left it at that. Anytime he actually wants it now, I'm just not into it and pretend to be asleep. Even today, he said that he gets really jealous if I go out with people (guys) from work! We never fight, never did. Everyone thinks we're so happy. I was never a good one to talk about my feelings, but since on the few occasions that I've broached the subject he was shocked, it put me off ever doing it again. Sometimes I wish he'd meet someone else, how sick is that? I should just put up and shut up like many generations of women before me.

LegacyUser

I cant belive that someone feels like i do here. Differennce been ive made my mind up that i cant live like this anymore. I cant be my mother - i resove if not to ye but myself that i have to leave. I was the child of parent who hated each other but stayed together for 'The sake of teh children' - horrible mistake for us more than them.

I thought like her i sopose i could make it better - i cant ive tried. I dont hate him infact i like him, hes a good father probab ly my best friend, i just dont love him. I have been tiying for the past 4 of our 10 year realtionship and im only 30

Toots

Honestly, I think you need to tell him you're not happy, he's your husband so he deserves to know. If you really feel that you're not in love with him, and that you don't feel your marriage can work, you need to finish it. As Lollipops23 said, don't just stay for the sake of the kids, it'll screw the kids up more being brought up with their parents in a sham marriage, than being brought up by two happy separated parents. Kids pick up on these things more than you'd think. Also if you stay just for the kids, you could end up resenting them, which obviously isn't something you want to happen.

SarahMc

Hang on, this isn't a sham of a marriage. Its a marriage in crisis yes, but not over yet, by any means.

The marriage is in crisis from where you are standing, but you have not communicated the seriousness of this to your husband. He needs to know.

I'm going to tell you what you expected to hear. You have to go for marital counselling. It would be extremely foolish to walk out/have an affair without exploring this first.

It is possible to get the spark back and fall in love with someone again, if both parties are willing to do this.

Toots

SarahMc wrote: »

Hang on, this isn't a sham of a marriage. Its a marriage in crisis yes, but not over yet, by any means.

I'm not saying this is a sham marriage at the moment, however if the situation escalates to the point that the OP does go down the road of having one or several affairs, or has absolutely no feelings for her husband and is totally miserable but is still sticking around purely for the kids sake, then IMO it would be a sham.

The marriage is in crisis from where you are standing, but you have not communicated the seriousness of this to your husband. He needs to know.

Absolutely. Whether or not either of you realise it, it took two people to get the marriage to where it is today, and it'll take two people to fix it.

I'm going to tell you what you expected to hear. You have to go for marital counselling. It would be extremely foolish to walk out/have an affair without exploring this first.

True. I'm gonna give you my personal opinion here, and say that having an affair would be a really sh*tty thing to do. In my eyes there's no excuse for cheating. Also, think about how it could affect your kids.

It is possible to get the spark back and fall in love with someone again, if both parties are willing to do this.

I don't think you can 'work on' falling back in love with someone, it'll either happen or it won't. No amount of counselling, or talking can make you love someone. It could make you realise that you actually do love him, but if you really truly aren't in love with him anymore, it can help you both deal with the fallout of that. But if you don't feel you love him anymore, and you do decide that your marriage has reached the end of the road, at least you'll know that you did all you could before ending it.

dreamlogic

Unregistered wrote: »

I got married at 25 to my first proper boyfriend. We're married nearly 7 years now and have 2 kids. To be perfectly honest I don't think I was ever truly in love with him. I hate admitting that.

Well admitting it is a good first step towards finding a solution.. Hope you don't mind my asking but why did you marry him if you were not in love with him?

LegacyUser

it sounds like a really tough situation you are in. I agree that you shouldn't just stick around for the sake of the children. Many children come from broken homes and live perfectly happy lives. I understand it's not as easy as walking out the door though.
Also, if I had been married for as long as you had and my husband was having these thoughts I think I would want to know, wouldn't you? If only to try and improve things for my husband and family life? If you think changes in the relationship may improve things you should talk to him. Perhaps he has some ideas on how things could improve as well?
If you leave it, things may just get worse which really will reflect in the children. They want to see their Mum and Dad happy don't they - after all, from their point of view: it's better to be from a broken home than live in one.
I hope you come to some sort of conclusion

LegacyUser

I don't think you can 'work on' falling back in love with someone, it'll either happen or it won't. No amount of counselling, or talking can make you love someone.

True.

The only problem with marrying your first is that you have nothing to compare it to.
You think he's a good man, he sounds ok but not brilliant.

Good looking, thats nice, Faithful, thats more a basic requirement than a plus, Good father, yay happy days.

Then take a look at the rest.

He has a 'low drive' -dealbreaker for most I would say, especially the fact he doesn't see a problem with it.
Poor conversationalist/unfunny. Dealbreakers also.

Its questionable marrying your first because do you really know what love is when you have nothing to compare against? We aren't our Mothers any more and no matter how hard we try we find we won't put up and shut up and why should we. The idea of staying and "working at it" for the kids sake, its just a waste of energy. Love should not be work.

Get out of it. Ok he will be heartbroken, but you cant live a lie. You need mental stimulation, a loving sex life, humour and conversation, thats what relationships are made of, not making do with the mistakes of your naive youth.

Oh The Humanity

I know loads and loads of women would envy such a great man and would say I'd be mad to think of giving him up, but the lack of any sort of conversation and fun is awful. Our sex life is almost non-existant. He has a very low drive.

I dont think you are mad at all, and I dont mean to be hurtful but really without a physical relationship and any sort of real communication together it doesn't leave much for loads of women to envy.

loads and loads of women would envy such a great man and would say I'd be mad to think of giving him up

Is that line something someone has fed to you to keep you happy? Because platitudes are all very well but in real life if you are not happy then they are meaningless really. I understand he is goodlooking and a good father and they are great qualities but is it enough to hold a couple together for the next 50 years?

It wouldn't be so bad if he recognised the problems too but he doesn't and you are almost rationalising them away yourself, you are more or less calling yourself ungrateful.....that line about putting up with it like our mothers did....well.....thats not right is it!

You need to have a good think about everything. Are you sure you were never in love with him, or is that just a revision of the past now you are looking back at it through new wiser eyes.

Maybe you loved him back then......?

I would be worried about the emotional distance between you, the fact that he seems so oblivious to the situation is worrying. Also you almost seem to feel that all the responsibility for the marriage is on you. As in you either accept the status quo or break his heart. But really if you have just grown up and he has stayed the same then you are now two different people than you were.

There is nothing wrong with your husband, he sounds a nice person but I am wondering if he is deliberately ignoring the problems or is he actually oblivious?

I think you need to open communication with him and you need to drop the guilt. Your feelings and needs have changed somehow over the years which is not something to feel guilty about.

Either he can open his mind and try to understand the new but he may choose not to and then you have to negotiate a separation which punishes no-one and is best for the children.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I dont think you are mad at all, and I dont mean to be hurtful but really without a physical relationship and any sort of real communication together it doesn't leave much for loads of women to envy.

You need to have a good think about everything. Are you sure you were never in love with him, or is that just a revision of the past now you are looking back at it through new wiser eyes.

Maybe you loved him back then......?

There is nothing wrong with your husband, he sounds a nice person but I am wondering if he is deliberately ignoring the problems or is he actually oblivious?

I think you need to open communication with him and you need to drop the guilt. Your feelings and needs have changed somehow over the years which is not something to feel guilty about.

OP here. You make some good points. If I'm honest I was never madly in love. I married him because he had so many good traits and I had low self-esteem and thought I'd never again get a guy like him. It was really stupid. And now we're in a mess, well I am at least. I really don't know if I have the courage to do anything about it. I abhor the idea of upsetting him, the kids, our families. It's very frustrating that he doesn't even see that anything's wrong. Something's going to have to happen soon. I can't go on with this resentment inside.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. You make some good points. If I'm honest I was never madly in love. I married him because he had so many good traits and I had low self-esteem and thought I'd never again get a guy like him. It was really stupid. And now we're in a mess, well I am at least. I really don't know if I have the courage to do anything about it. I abhor the idea of upsetting him, the kids, our families.
It's very frustrating that he doesn't even see that anything's wrong.

Because for him there isn't.
He cannot help you fix this. Why? Because you married him for all the wrong reasons and he married you for all the right ones.
For you, that connection and spark were never there in the first place. You cannot get back what you never had.
You say you were never madly in love with him. You settled because you didn't think you could do better.

If you care for him at all, tell him the truth. At this stage, he deserves that much.
This will not go away and if you cannot be true to yourself, you will lead a pretty miserable life.