gf partying while abroad..

LegacyUser

hey,
i dont know whether some people will think this is totally stupid or not but here goes...

my girlfriend of 10 months is out on hols in spain atm... which is perfectly fine like i miss her like crazy but thats not the problem. i thought that she might hav a nice quiet holiday not much going out drinking like but i was totally wrong.. it turns out that she is going out on the town EVERY night. see i dont like the way she can get when she's out, constantly on the move looking for attention. she has told me that men have hit on her loads of times and i cant stand the thought of it tbh.. it annoys me when we'r out at home but as you can imagine its 10times worse when we'r in 2 different countries. i know the things that go on in these holiday resorts like with fella's constantly chattin up women.

what makes it worse is that we barely have any contact so i dont know whats going on atal.. i dont really know why im posting here tbh but can anyone put my mind at ease????

Beruthiel

Do you trust her?

star-pants

Beruthiel wrote: »

Do you trust her?

+1
That's the main point here, if you trust her then you trust her.

Dudess

Why did you think she'd have a quiet holiday?

spaceman#

i feel the same way bout my girlfriend like shes not lookin for attention all the time but she still gets it off lads i guess im just jealous. basically just ask her when she comes back did she cheat on you or do anything that she wouldnt want you doin to a girl. you havent really been goin out that long so i think its ok for you to be abit unsure so it will be ok to ask. just say trust is everything and if either of you's were gonna lie then whats the point. dont tell her how you feel TALK TO HER BOUT HOW YOU FEEL ya get me

I don't see why she feels the need to tell you guys have been hitting on her except to make you jealous. I mean, what good does it do to let you know that?

the_dark_side

its early days... 10 months.. so what. I once was extremely into a girl and after 6 months, having moved in together etc. one night, out of curiosity, I asked her how many partners she had had... bear in mind now, she is 25 at the time... Its not a good idea btw to ask this if your really into a girl. The answer I got was in the double figures... I obsessed about this for weeks, then the thought occued to me, that this girl wouldnt think twice about jumping into bed with another guy if I wasnt around... then I obsessed about that for months... then she did, (after a couple of years), then I obsessed about that for years.
Now Im over all that, I am older and wiser and I understand people way better... we are all human. If the chance presented itself to me with no-strings, and no way of the partner of ever finding out, would I take the opportunity and have a quick one on the side with a good looking bird for a night or two? Look deep inside yourself and ask yourself the same question.... Is life too short??
Girls like to string guys along like this, keep them curious, over protective and jealous... its a cunning device that women use to try and have men eating out of their hand...
And to be honest, Ive been with girls while their guys werent around, even been in the same room as her as she talked on the phone to him...did i care? nope, she was a stunner :cool:

Wagon

how long has she been gone for and how often have you heard from her?

Kirnsy

the_dark_side wrote: »

its early days... 10 months.. so what. I once was extremely into a girl and after 6 months, having moved in together etc. one night, out of curiosity, I asked her how many partners she had had... bear in mind now, she is 25 at the time... Its not a good idea btw to ask this if your really into a girl. The answer I got was in the double figures... I obsessed about this for weeks, then the thought occued to me, that this girl wouldnt think twice about jumping into bed with another guy if I wasnt around... then I obsessed about that for months... then she did, (after a couple of years), then I obsessed about that for years.
Now Im over all that, I am older and wiser and I understand people way better... we are all human. If the chance presented itself to me with no-strings, and no way of the partner of ever finding out, would I take the opportunity and have a quick one on the side with a good looking bird for a night or two? Look deep inside yourself and ask yourself the same question.... Is life too short??
Girls like to string guys along like this, keep them curious, over protective and jealous... its a cunning device that women use to try and have men eating out of their hand...
And to be honest, Ive been with girls while their guys werent around, even been in the same room as her as she talked on the phone to him...did i care? nope, she was a stunner :cool:

If you are cool with it op its cool. just as long as he knows the boundaries of the relationship.

bluecell99

How come you have all the details yet you say there has been little contact between ye?

Do you expect her to lie on the beach all day,talk to nobody and spend all her time pining for you?

Maybe the relationship is not going the way you envisaged?

Best thing is to hava heart to heart on her return about your expectations.Becasue it sounds as if hers are different to yours.

LegacyUser

OP here again..
ok well the thing is i do trust her normally (with no alcohol). but when she drinks she does tend to go off the head a bit... she's the kind of girl that does attract attention and i know for a fact that guys hit on her because im a guy and i hit on her when we wer single obviously enough!! but i hate when other guys do it.. especially when im not there.

i do trust her and tbh i dont think she would ever cheat on me but what really bugs me is the fact that i hear nothing about whats happening on these nights out...

ya i know i prob do sound lik an over protective control freak!! but trust me im not i love her to bits.

Dudess

the_dark_side wrote: »

its early days... 10 months.. so what. I once was extremely into a girl and after 6 months, having moved in together etc. one night, out of curiosity, I asked her how many partners she had had... bear in mind now, she is 25 at the time... Its not a good idea btw to ask this if your really into a girl. The answer I got was in the double figures... I obsessed about this for weeks, then the thought occued to me, that this girl wouldnt think twice about jumping into bed with another guy if I wasnt around... then I obsessed about that for months... then she did, (after a couple of years)

While it did happen to you, there is absolutely no guarantee a person who is promiscuous when single will be unfaithful - absolutely none. Just like there is no guarantee a serial monogamist or sexually inexperienced, even virginal, person won't be unfaithful.

If the chance presented itself to me with no-strings, and no way of the partner of ever finding out, would I take the opportunity and have a quick one on the side with a good looking bird for a night or two? Look deep inside yourself and ask yourself the same question.... Is life too short??

Again, this is only you - you do not speak for the OP's girlfriend.

Girls like to string guys along like this, keep them curious, over protective and jealous... its a cunning device that women use to try and have men eating out of their hand

Interesting - and news to me. I'm a girl and I don't do, and never have done, any of the above shyte. :rolleyes:

And to be honest, Ive been with girls while their guys werent around, even been in the same room as her as she talked on the phone to him...did i care? nope, she was a stunner :cool:

You da maaaan! :rolleyes:

OP, again, it seems more like you hoped she'd have a quiet holiday... and why shouldn't she have a fun-packed one? I agree though she's being unfair telling you about guys hitting on her - that is not one bit necessary. If you feel you can't trust her (and only you know that - being attention-seeking and flirtatious when drunk is still no guarantee of a person being unfaithful) you should have a think about this relationship and where it's going. If you're constantly on edge when you go out, is it worth carrying on? To be fair to you, I think there is a big difference between the unreasonable - possessiveness, jealousy - and getting uncomfortable with your girlfriend being OTT attention-seeking whenever you go out.

Wibbs

The only real issue for me in your position would be her telling about how many men were chatting her up. She's checking for your reaction as it's not the kind of thing you would say to a partner, unless maybe for a laugh and they were with you when it happened. If she needs ego boosts that's all well and good but not healthy and it disrespects you. Either that or she's not exactly the brightest spark in the fire. Nip that part in the bud and fast. Do not go OTT over it as that's a reaction she may be looking for. Just ignore it. If she mentions it, just ignore it completely or change the subject but in a nice pleasant way as if she never said it. It didn't even register with you, or laugh it off along the lines of "sounds like you're having a laugh", then change the subject. Don't get into a convo about it basically.

As for her cheating on you, well you can do little about it in my humble. If she wants to cheat she will and can. You can't be on tenterhooks about it. Again that may give her an ego boost. As far as trust goes, I trust people to be the people I know them to be, some have more of a self respect thing going on than others. That's about it. The only person I really trust is me, but I extend the same trust and benefit of the doubt to someone I choose as a lover and hope she respects that. If she doesn't that her loss and she would be gone pretty quickly.

O'Coonassa

the_dark_side wrote: »

And to be honest, Ive been with girls while their guys werent around, even been in the same room as her as she talked on the phone to him...did i care? nope, she was a stunner slapper :cool:

FYP

Never ever trust or rely on a human being sexually 'faithful' OP. It's far too much to expect and if you do then you're just deluding yourself IMO. What does it matter if somebody else has sex with her? The only time you really need keep an eye out is when you're trying to make offspring. I kind of wish we were a bit more like bonobo's about this whole thing tbh, jealously looks and feels too ugly.

the_dark_side

ok, ok... It was an insensitve and daft post by me.. apologies.. I am referring to when I was very young, and the girls in question were also young... things will all work out for the better. Everyone likes attention, not many will take it to an extreme... trust is the greatest thing one person can give to another. Trust her, and she will hopefully give you trust and respect in return, thats all you can do.. and dont worry, it gets you no-where

SexyD4Lady

Hi OP,

was in a similar situation as yourself there at the beginning of April, I'm 20. My boyfriend (22) went away for week in Sweden with people he went to college with. Out every night, getting drunk, told me girls were trying it on, but also told me he turned them all down. Perhaps your girlfriend is telling you that guys were chatting her up because she wants you to know that's all that's going on with any members of the opposite sex (i.e. they're chancing their arm, not getting anywhere with her, that's it) and because she wants to be honest and open with you? The worry is horrible and there's not really anything that you can do to stop yourself thinking about what she's up to, is she getting too drunk, is she sharing taxis home with strange men, is she going out with groups of men she and her friends have met. Save yourself the anxiety and look forward to when she comes home and wraps her arms around you and says "I missed you". Like you said, it's relatively early days and maybe you haven't quite decided if you completely trust her yet... give everyone the benefit of the doubt and treat them as innocent until proven guilty. If you love eachother and trust eachother, she won't stray. A dance and a harmless little flirt will be the worst- everyone enjoys a bit of meaningless, non-malicious playtime like that on occasion. She cares about you, she won't stray. And she'll be home soon. Enjoy the time you spend together when she's back

Beer Werewolf

As a girl myself, I don't see anything wrong with her going out to party. It boils down to whether you trust her or not. If you don't, then you need to be honest with her and tell her so. Trust is important in a relationship. She's in another country and frankly I wouldn't go somewhere and 'not party'. She's probably filling in a void if she is missing you.

Try not to constantly ring her and ask what she's doing. I know I would want to pester my boyfriend if he went away, but you will probably piss her off and show her you have no faith or trust in her.

Talk to her about the 'serious' stuff when she gets back.

Oh The Humanity

Hmm, personally I dont really think boozy seperate holidays are a good idea for people in relationships.

I know I would go mad with jealous speculation if my other half went on one and he would be the same.

Thing is you will never know so you will just have to try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe in future organise to go together and you wont have this worry.

LegacyUser

OP just out of interest... did you ask your gf if guys had been hitting on her. If you did then there is nothing wrong with her giving you an honest answer and doesn't mean she is trying to "evoke a reaction" or make you jeslous.

TBH in my opinion if you can't trust your oh to go away for a holiday with there friends then you've no business being in a relationship with them.

I often go away for boozy weekends & the odd holiday with the girls. I get hit on by lots of guys but I love my boyfriend and I wouldn't dream of cheating. He's a bit of a hottie himself :-) and I know he prob has girls coming onto him but I know that he loves me and I trust him completely.

You can't know what your oh is doing all the time even if you are in the same country. You're driving yourself mad wondering & imagining the worse, I'm sure your gf would be quite pee'd off if she knew what you were thinking too.
It's not doing anygood and even if your gf does cheat, all this worrying won't change it.

There was another thread like this recently and the same advice was given. People think that she is only telling the OP how many people she has been with to get a reaction, to annoy him, make him jealous or some other motive. They may well be right of course, but this advice tends to be given in a tone of “This IS what it is” which no one knows for sure.
I am sure people here mean well by saying it is not normal or why would she act like that, but in my case that is not so.

As I said in the other thread, in my own situation, the girls I am going out with tell me _everything_. That is how our relationship works. Total honesty about everything. It was the same with the girl I was going out with before these two as well. If we go out without the others somewhere we always tell the others what went on, whether very little, or whether a string of ‘hotties’ tried it on with us all night.

It is when the girls STOP telling me this stuff openly and honestly that I will begin to think something is amiss and I will be on this forum making my own post saying “GFs used to tell me everything and now don’t, what are they hiding?”. In our case its just honesty on the part of the teller, and a genuine interest on how the loved one’s night went on the part of the listener. It may well be that this is the case with the OP here too.

As I said, it may NOT be the case and I may be 100% off the mark. All the advice here is good and well intentioned, but bear it in mind before you come to the conclusion that there 100% is some dark motive behind why she is telling you how many guys are hitting on her. Really only you know your GF, we sure do not, as Dudess said everyone here is talking about themselves, no one here speaks for the Ops Girlfriend. Take the advice carefully and don’t assume anyone here is right, but ask is there any reason to think they ARE right.

At the end of the day, the best advice in these situations is what came from Spaceman. Talk to her about how it all felt and why you think it felt that way. At the base of any really strong relationship is 2 (or in cases like mine 3) people who know how to talk openly. Unless you expect her to change her whole life and put it on hold while going out with you, you are going to find that she has her own life and it will often make you jealous and the effect of that tends to be cumulative. So talk now before things get too much for you.

Wibbs

Oh no I agree, it could be just honesty. The reason I think it's not is in the OP's first post; even when he's around she goes looking for attention when she's out and about. Of course that could again be his perception and he may well be a jealous boiler of long eared rodentia, but a person who appears to need such attention for validation, who then informs the partner about the guys hitting on her is more likely to doing that for a reaction and similar validation, more than as a honesty thing.

RossFixxxed

My OH was away in Amsterdam with the girls a while back and it never occured to me to be jealous or freaked out about what she 'got up to partying' etc... I was just concerned she'd be safe and have a great time. However, comments like 'all the guys that are hitting on me' definitely would get my heckles up.

First off the fact you're concerned means either you are very insecure or there is a gut feeling there. Have you, assuming you're not totally paranoid, suspected this before? Any evidence at all?

What tone / context was around the comments about the guys. Was it a yes this happens but it's fine, just being very open / honest. Were you prying into what she was up to? Was she teasing or being manipulative to you with this.

There's a lot of space between the lines in your post that need to filled before anyone could comment further i'd say.

r

dblennon

This all boils down to a security and maturity issue.

since it sounds like, from what you've said, your girlfriend is fully aware of your insecurities, & therefore is being a little insensitive, but TBH it's just one of those things.

I remember being told this, "tell her if you are jealous don't emote it"
I'd go even further, laugh about it with her, enjoy the pathetic attempts guys make with her, because that's is exactly what she will be dicussing with her friends.

Also this is one of those relationship tests that women do Subconsciously, she has total freedom from the relationship and will therefore def. get attention from guys (of course 99.9999999% of the time a girl will not act on these approaches) your response will re-inforce certain characteristics or attributes she has set for you. The less reactionary you are to the tests the more secure she will feel in the relationship.

kittenkiller

What if she feels like not telling you that guys were hitting on her was like hiding something from you and she wants eveything to be out in the open?
Or, by telling you, you know how far she'd be willing to take things, only as far as getting hit on and then she's out of there!?

Seems like you need to have a chat with her and if it's bothering you that much, ask if she'd just keep that kind of thing to herself.

I'm sure, she's just letting her hair down while she's away with the girls and half of her is dying to get back home to you, but there's no point in spoiling a holoiday pining over someone, she may as well enjoy herself too.