Advice on marriage please

LegacyUser

Just to give a bit of background - my husband of 25 years is the dream man. We married young.

He is 47. He does the laundry, cooks two meals a week, hoovers on Saturdays, sorts out the bins and firewood and takes care of the outside stuff too like lawn mowing, boiler maintenance and all sorts. He is also good about putting things in the post and physically doing admin once i explain what to do. He plays golf two or three times a week, loves to garden and watch tv. Our kids are grown up and we have two grand children.

He is self employed and works probably around 23 hours per week. As its physical, outdoor work, this is the max he is willing to do.

My income is around double my husbands. I am in a frontline job in the public sector. I work around 55 hours a week – paid for 33 hrs. Just to be clear here, no overtime is paid and I don’t get the time back. But you’d never get the job done in the core hours as I work with a very vulnerable client group who you can’t just switch off from without making sure they’re sorted out. I do all the other domestic stuff and look after our home admin.

Financially we are in trouble and it looks like we could lose our house. Before the recent cuts we could barely get by but now it is impossible. We remortgaged a couple of years ago and owe more than our home is worth now, and have significant credit card debts, mostly run up by me. We had planned to sell the house, downsize and pay off all our debts, but then property prices fell... A common story now.

I was very ill a couple of years ago and was advised not to go back to work by doctors but this was not an option as we would have lost our home. I am managing to work but my health is crap and I feel awful a lot of the time. I constantly feel angry about this and that my husband is not prepared to do more paid work, which he could get if he wanted, to alleviate some of the strain but he refuses point blank. In saying that, he was very good when I was very ill and helped me a lot.

The problem, as I see it, is twofold. Firstly, the man I married loved to dance, walk, travel, play music and socialise. These were things we had in common. The man I am married to today hates all of the above, is uncomfortable in social situations, has to be forced to spend time with the grand children and is not interested in having a laugh.

Secondly, although I do love a lot of things about him, I am finding it hard to love him and have lost interest in sex, which was great before my illness. When I literally force myself to do it with him it is still great. I feel like such a selfish person, because I know he is a really good man. I have told him how I feel and that I think we should separate. He says I’m being dramatic and that he’s happy, loves me and everything is good between us. He is right in that we do communicate but I feel he is not taking my feelings into consideration but that he has the life he wants.

He refuses to go to marriage counselling and will not be moved on this. Can anyone advise on what to do in this situation please? I feel very unhappy but am not sure leaving is the right thing to do. I might just feel lonely and I know he would and I'm not interested in meeting anybody else.

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

He refuses to go to marriage counselling and will not be moved on this. Can anyone advise on what to do in this situation please?

Read your entire post and I believe this is the most revealing part of it.
I think he is in denial about how you feel. When you tell him how you feel he disregards it and counters by telling you its all grand. Its not all grand - for you and he needs to accept that.
Refusal to go to marriage counselling is another symptom of his denial, relationships are about compromise, if one partner wants counselling and the other refuses - then you dont have a very good basis to improve the situation.

I think he sounds quite selfish, if he could work more hours and earn more money - when its needed - then he should be willing to do this.

I dont want to be all gung ho and shout - LEAVE HIM (no doubt you will get posts telling you just that), but I do think you need to consider your future. You are still a young woman, do you want to look at things in 20 years time and realise that he has gone deeper into his selfishness and denial and is refusing to listen to you at all on any issue that has importance for you?

There seems to me to be little point in just hanging around in a relationship that has gone stale rather than leaving it and getting more out of life. Im not saying you have to go meeting other men, but you can certainly develop more relationships with people who share your interests like dancing, having a laugh, walking, socialising.

Unless you can get him to really listen to how you are feeling and to accept that changes need to happen then I dont see another way of moving things forward while staying in the relationship.

You could explain to him all you have said in your post and tell him that you are seperating from him unless he does the counselling, but you must be prepared to follow through on that if you give it as an ultimatum.

I wish you all the best, I hope you can come to some resolve on this.

Toots

I completely agree with what username123 said. By the sounds of it you should ideally not be working at all, when your health is poor a 55 hour week is not really sustainable (especially if you're only getting paid for a 33 hour week).

Your husband sounds like he is burying his head in the sand on most of the issues in your marriage. Obviously by refusing to get counselling, he is in denial that there is anything wrong in your relationship, but by point blank refusing to take on extra paid work, he appears to be in denial about your financial situation also.

you need to consider your future. You are still a young woman, do you want to look at things in 20 years time and realise that he has gone deeper into his selfishness and denial and is refusing to listen to you at all on any issue that has importance for you?

QFT. You really need to think long and hard about that. Also, seeing as his work is physical, what if he hits 50 and decides to go down to a 15 hour week? Will you be able to survive then? All the effort you're putting in will be for nothing if everything continues to go downhill.

You could explain to him all you have said in your post and tell him that you are seperating from him unless he does the counselling, but you must be prepared to follow through on that if you give it as an ultimatum.

He might think that you're just blowing smoke with the separation threat, and just isn't taking you seriously because he doesn't really believe that you'd leave. Would it be possible to stay with friends or family if you did have to leave?

If so, you need to pick a time when you're going to sit down with him and have a chat. Make sure that this is a time when it would also be ok for you to spend a few nights with said friend or family member. Sit him down, and explain clearly and calmly what your feelings are. Tell him that you feel that you need counselling and if he is not prepared to put the work in and attend that you WILL leave. If he still says that everything is grand, go upstairs, pack a bag, and go. Ideally he'd cop himself on after a couple of days and you can start the counselling. If you do leave the house though, I'd be reluctant to move back in straight away, he'll need to prove that he's serious and isn't just telling you what you want to hear so you'll move back in and he'll have a quiet life. I know it sounds harsh, but a short sharp shock might be what he needs to get him moving.

Another thing you'll need to consider is, what if you leave and he still refuses to work on things? How far would you be willing to go then? If you've been gone from the house for a month and he's still digging his heels in, would you go back, or would you start formal separation proceedings? Obviously it's not the outcome anyone would hope for, but you should also be aware that it might not be possible to fix your marriage, even if he does agree to counselling.

I hope things work out for you. In the meantime, here's a few links that might be of some use to you:

MABS they're really busy at the moment what with the recession, but they'll be able to help you with the financial side of things.

Access Counselling, Accord and MRCS are relationship counselling services. While your hubby might not want to attend counselling with you, you would probably benefit from talking to them on your own. I'm sure you're not alone in your situation where one person wishes to get counselling and the other doesn't.

bluecell99

At the very least he is being stupid and selfish.YOu cannot work 55 hours a week and you have already been told to stop by doctors.Will he listen if you keel over or are facing an early grave?How come he is not worried about losing the house?Why are you doing all the worrying?Obviously he can see you are doing all the hard stuff and he just has to sit back.

Reality time here.He needs to be made snap out of his nauseating complacency.

He either works more hours like most people have to and remembers the fifty fifty part of a relationship or you walk.You either see a dramatic improvement in a very short time or you are gone.To be perfectly honest its down to you here.I cant see how marriage guidance will solve anything.It ALWAYS comes back to the parties themselves.He is not interested and anything a stranger might say to him will be like water off a duck.Its up to you.

hard I know after all these years but your health is vital.Please act and issue the utimatum.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for taking time to read my long post, and for your thoughtful replies. I'm stunned really at the perspectives taken. I thought I'd come on here and people would tell me that I'm lucky that he's a good man and that I should be happy with that. This is what i've been telling myself for years.

Thanks for mentioning MABs. It's great. They gave me a budgeting tool which I'm sticking to but unfortunately there is no real prospect of keeping the house long term. Even when it's sold we'll owe the building society lots.

I should have said in my original post that I issued an ultimatum on the counselling on Friday and he said no way. Then I suggested we try to live as if separated in our house for now (because of finances). His reply was that he did not think that is a good idea because how can we sort things out if we're sleeping in different beds and doing our own thing. However, things have not been sorted out so far and I can't see anything changing by staying together.

My biggest fear is that i will end up lonlier than i am now. But you've made good points about developing friendships, which i can't really do while living with my husband.

Do you think I should go to counselling alone, before taking that final step of separating? Is it normal to be so scared of the idea of living alone? Thank you again.

Toots

Unregistered wrote: »

Do you think I should go to counselling alone, before taking that final step of separating? Is it normal to be so scared of the idea of living alone? Thank you again.

I'd say you've got nothing to lose by going to the counselling sessions by yourself. Yes, it's totally normal to be scared by the idea of living alone. You've been used to living with a husband and children for years, so if you do leave it'll take you time to adjust. Regardless of that, you need to think of what will be best for you in the long run. You've been a good wife and mother for years, you don't owe anyone anything, it's time to focus on yourself.

LegacyUser

I have read your post more than once and the replies as although im a bit younger the . same applies. I wish both of us luck?
If i could afford counsilling i think it would be a great idea, ive done it before and most of the time it just makes you feel better about what inside youve already decided. If not find a friend whos just really good at listenening, the one thing ive leared from counsilling is that saying it out loud makes all the difference. Best of luck.

Toots

Unregistered wrote: »

If i could afford counsilling i think it would be a great idea, ive done it before and most of the time it just makes you feel better about what inside youve already decided. If not find a friend whos just really good at listenening, the one thing ive leared from counsilling is that saying it out loud makes all the difference. Best of luck.

This sounds promising:

How Much will Counselling Cost You?
ACCORD is a non-profit organisation, but we do incur overheads in providing our service. To cover some of these costs there is a sliding scale of fees based on income. The cost of each session will be agreed upon at the reception interview. No one is turned away from ACCORD due to lack of money.

If you need relationship counselling and are having trouble affording it, you could ask your GP if they know of any free services in your area. The above is the only one Google is throwing me at the moment.