What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one.

Basically, I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm a 32 year old male and my experience to date has been limited to say the least. I've only ever kissed one girl and that was a girl I was seeing about 8 years ago.

When I go out, I never approach girls or go talk to them, even if I've had a skinful. I just keep talking to my friends or dance but I almost never interact with girls, unless they make the first move.

Occasionally some girl will grab me or something but I NEVER convert this into even so much as a snog. Looking back, there have been times when I'm pretty sure I've got the green light from a girl to go for it, and I don't. A lot of the time I think it's maybe as I've had a few too many drinks and perhaps I don't realise they are interested until it's too late. But even then when I've had less to drink, I still don't make a move.

It's not so much that I'm afraid of rejection, I'm fully aware it's possible. But it's like something in my brain is holding me back and I don't know what it is. There's been times I could probably have scored and I can hear a voice in my head telling me to go for it, but I don't. Even when it's a sure thing. It's like my body refuses to do anything. I keep telling myself to go for it but I don't and nothing EVER happens.

I'm overweight and this has affected my confidence and I think I have very low self esteem as a result. It doesn't help that I seem to torture myself by reading posts on here that talk non-stop about how people go out and score with this person and that person. I often say to myself "Why the f*** is that never me? It's so unfair". So my lack of experience in general is making me feel worse.

I can tell things are getting bad as recently thoughts have started to creep into my head of just giving up altogether with women and accepting that I'll always be single and celibate. I never used to think like that.

Apart from my weight, I think I'm a decent enough person. A few girls have often told me they don't know how I'm single but unfortunately I am. This just makes me think there must be something really wrong with me, or they are just saying that to make me feel better.

It's like I have this invisible barrier that I can't seem to break through. Growing up I was always shy and never approached girls and they never approached me. And this seems to have stuck with me. More recently I've been getting more interest but as usual I just don't do anything about it.

I also wonder if I have ridiculously high standards and/or a low sex drive. I mean fancy women and think about sex a lot. And while there are quite a few attractive women out there, there's only about 1 in 100 that I'd see and I feel like I want to rip their clothes off. Shouldn't I be feeling like that about a few more? Often it's just apathy.

I'm going back to the gym this week in an attempt to lose weight. It will take a while as I want to lose between 6 and 8 stone but hopefully the fact that I'm exercising again will begin to make me feel a bit better about myself and I won't feel so unappealing.

I'm even meeting a girl on Tuesday night from a dating site but as usual the main thought in my head is "Regardless of how I feel, she won't be interested once she see's me".

Sorry for the long rant, I kind of just had to get this off my chest.

spaceman#

im much younger then you but like i kinda was the same but kinda had to think who gives a f#ck. i just got in the state of mind that it doesnt matter if i get with someone that night as long as i have a laugh and thats it. like dont talk or think to girls like your gonna pull them. just act with them like you would with your mates. if you have a serious weight problem maybe your just afraid to go to the next step of them seeing you naked. but when it comes to that no one is perfect. basically the way i do it i just go out to have fun and it works out ive got more girls when im not thinkin bout it. have abit more to drink and it will push you to do something then next time just remember what you did when you were drunk then you wont need to be drunk sooner or later

LegacyUser

I get your point alright Spaceman. It can just be so hard to try and put it out of my mind. For the last few months the whole situation has really started to get to me. And the more I see and hear of other people scoring, the worse I feel. It's hard not to get depressed about the whole thing when I constantly hear (or read on here) about so and so having sex with someone and making some sort of a complaint about it when I'm not even getting to shake hands with a girl. I often feel like saying "You undeserving f****r, stop complaining that you have to put up with the burden of having sex. Try spending a few years in my shoes and you will catch yourself on."

As I say I've recently thought about just giving up and forgetting about it all. Thinking that nothing will change so I might as well just accept my 'fate'.

I know I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself here, but this is how I feel.

beks101

It seems to me like you are emotionally unavailable and are afraid to get close to and intimate with someone. From your post, I would attribute this to your confidence issues and the knock on effect that years of no love life will have on that.

The weight thing seems to have had a serious impact on your self esteem so you're right in getting that sorted asap. Losing weight and getting fit isn't an overnight thing, it's a tough old haul, but you will be amazed by the boost this has on your self confidence, so I think sorting this out has to be a priority for you.

I think you've decided in your head that you're not attractive or interesting to the opposite sex and this attitude is a self fulfilling prophecy for you as it will keep most girls away. If you don't believe you have anything to offer, how can anybody else?

And forget the weight thing for a second - go on that date on Tuesday night and instead of going in with a self defeating attitude, this time think of everything you have to offer. You're a good person, intelligent, list them all out and give the lady a chance before deciding what you're sure she thinks about you.

And to be brutally honest OP, if you want to change your situation, the negative thinking has to go out the window and you have to start approaching women.