Hair loss ruining my life.

LegacyUser

I'm a tall, intelligent (although you may question that after you read this), fairly good looking guy but for several years now I have been losing my hair. As a result my confidence has been totally destroyed and I've let this situation ruin my personal and professional life.

Career wise I'm fully qualified with a degree in a fairly prestigious field with plenty of job opportunities even in the current climate. However I never pursued that field after graduation because I was so self-conscious about my appearance I pretty much withdrew from society completely after graduation.

After graduation I stayed out of work for nearly 4 years because I didn't want go out in public. Upon reading that statement you may (understandably) already consider me a scrounger, but the truth is I can afford to do this because I am already independently wealthy and, truth be told, the process of working serves no purpose to me beyond forcing me to enter an environment where I have to interact with people. So just to reassure you, I’ve never touched a cent of your dole money. Ironically anyway I’d be too self-conscious to even join a dole-queue to pick it up, so I never did. Your money’s safe!!

Now like I say, because I didn't need to work coupled with my self-consciousness about my appearance I just stayed out of work completely. The might sound like heaven to those of you who can't afford it but trust me it was a personal hell. I remained what you might called a ‘shut-in’ in my apartment and even felt myself verging on insanity due to the self-imposed isolation.

A couple of years ago I eventually forced myself to go out and get a job. It’s not a job in my field or even a full-time job but it’s something to do and gets me out. The thing is every day of it is literally hell for me because I am so self-conscious about my appearance. I hide it well but that is how I feel. I know working is doing me some good psychologically but it never gets rid of the feelings I have of being embarrassed and trapped inside myself.

From a personal point of view I hate being photographed and haven't knowingly let anyone take a photo of me for around 6 years. I never even allow my family to photograph me and on the rare occasion I’ve gone on a holiday somewhere I won’t have my snap taken beside some famous landmark because I don’t want myself or anyone to see my appearance or have it documented for all time. The fear of being photographed goes so far that the primary reason I won’t accepting a full-time 'career' job is because you have to have your face photographed for security tags /staff databases etc and I don't want to have to go thru that. Crazy I know!

Outside of work I have pretty much no social life because I don't want to be seen in public or have the subject of my hair come up in conversation. I literally get up in the morning, go to my work and come home. Several years ago in a night-club once a woman made some crack about my hair. I just got up and left and have never been in a club since. Never chatted up a woman since, never pursued a work colleague with a view to anything because I might get a repeat performance from her.

I won't even go to a barbers more than once ever 3-4 months because I don't want to get into the whole discussion of hair and have to face the reality of the situation straight in the mirror. What is a 10 minute nuisance to most blokes on a Friday lunch-time is literally a recurring nightmare for me.

I know this all sounds completely insane (and perhaps it is) but this is the (well hidden) reality of one persons life. Honestly if someone offered me my hair back in exchange for cutting off my two little fingers or a loss of 3 inches in height I'd take it in a second. That’s how badly it has affected me. I would even literally pay €100,000 to get my (real) hair back. I'm that serious and I even have the money sitting in the bank account right now waiting for the person who can do it. So it’s no joke to me I hope you’ll understand.

But of course in 2009 (unlike most other cosmetic physical problems e.g. bad eyesight, teeth, boobs, weight ) there is no fool-proof surgical solution atm to give me what I want. A bottle or regaine isn’t going to set you right and a hair-transplant is just an expensive way of making you look ‘less bald’ . I feel trapped and helpless. I've pretty much lost the best years of my life (i.e. my 20's) because of how badly I’ve taken this situation and I can’t see the next several years being any different while scientist potter away in some lab on a ‘cure’. I say ‘cure’ because it is not an illness (but for the detrimental effect it has had on my life it may as well have been).

I think that's the worst part about it is the fact that I never did anything wrong to anyone to get hair like this and furthermore that even with my money I cannot do anything to solve the problem. It’s embarrassing and frustrating and worst of all not even considered a ‘problem’ by society. Hair loss ranges from being a subject of ridicule & humour to basically being a problem that is ignored. Also with the current laze-faire attitude of ‘shave it off’ I wonder sometimes am I the only person in the world who actually cares about it and feels self-conscious or are the men who spout this glib advice deep down knowingly just kidding themselves and likewise are the people without hairloss who view hair-loss that way just being polite? Do they even understand how much that short sentence like "shave it off" can hurt someones feelings?

It's a really depressing situation for me. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. It literally is ruining my life as I have demonstrated. I’ve never told what I’m written here to anyone and I think the main reason I’m writing is to confess anonymously and perhaps see if there is other people out there who take their hair-loss seriously rather than just shrugging at it (which seems to be the only acceptable persona to display in public).

So there you go. One person’s confession.

taram

I'm very sorry for your loss OP, I can imagine how it was, and still is, very traumatic for you.

I hope you are thinking of maybe getting counselling, you have a lot going for you, and maybe counselling will help you not get over your problem, but perhaps help you come to terms with it so you can live a fuller life.

If someone does mock your looks though, try to tell them firmly that you are sensitive about it, and don't wish to talk about it. No one has a right to belittle you.

Best of luck.

Pyr0

At least you're not going thin on top at the age of 19 like me ! It affects me badly too, not to the extent of yourself but still to the point where I don't like photos being taken in case it's noticeable or people making comments about it or bending down in front of people. What makes it worse is that I had really long think curly hair about 2 years ago which I loved (and cut). Of course that made it even harder to get over the fact that its thinning but at the end of the day there isn't much I can do about it. I have people make comments about it and yeah it feels bad but I just try make a joke about it and get over it. If it really hurt me I'd say it to them upfront. The point you made about barbers is understandable. When I said it to my mother about getting it cut I was really embarrassed and didn't know where to look, she rang up a hairdresser we know and explained it to her. Even worse was that I had 3 aunts and a cousin in the room while getting it done who had no idea about how bad I felt about it, the hairdresser took me aside and said it to me and we worked out a style that suited me (to an extent :pac:)

I don't feel there is a point in trying to delay the inevitable so when push comes to shove and it gets to the point where it looks too silly or is REALLY affecting me I'll just shave it off. Yeah I know you've stated your opinions of that phrase but what are you going to do ? Sit in your house all day and watch your hair fallout ? Feel even worse about the fact that its not coming back ? Or just get it over and done with and get back out into society and show everybody that you can be yourself without your hair ?

LegacyUser

I don't know if it's any use but there was a thing on the tv last week about this exact thing

Can't post a link but if you drop the following text into google it should drop up right on the page...

Pat Kenny spoke to Kimberly Flemming, Stephen Grogan and Joey Corbett - three people who suffer from hair loss - about the effect it has on their lives.

G-Money

Sorry to hear about the hair loss OP.

I've been losing my hair as well for a few years now. I never really noticed it that much but someone made a comment I think about a bald patch at the back of my head. Then I started to notice it getting thinner and thinner on top. I remember the time it got really bad. I had been out on a night out and it was raining so obviously I got wet from the rain. I went into a bar and there was a huge mirror behind the bar and all I could see was my scalp. I was horrified.

So a couple of days later, with my nerves jangling a bit, I walked into the barbers and told them to shave it all off. And to be honest, it's been one of the best things I've ever done. I can still remember sitting in the barbers chair as he took out the clippers and started to shave my head. It was like I was casting off an old body and becoming a new person.

Quite a few of my friends have told me I look better with my head shaved and I think it does look better. It's much neater and tidier and a bottle of shampoo does me about 6 months I shave my head myself with a pair of electric clippers usually every 2 weeks as I like it short.

It sounds like you put a lot of importance and emphasis on your hair. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, just pointing out the impression I got from your post. I kind of liked having a full head of hair myself but once I realised it wasn't going to start growing back, I knew I had to do something about it.

I'm guessing you may have considered shaving it off and maybe for whatever reason you are not comfortable with that option. If so, fair enough. If not, maybe consider it. The thing about shaving your head is that it does look quite good plus if you are losing your hair, it becomes almost impossible for anyone to notice as it's so short. So if you want, you could say it was just a different style you were going for. Rather than trying to hide the hair loss.

Anyway, just my two cents worth.

Hope you start to feel better about it soon anyway.

luckat

Grandmaster's right. A guy with the hair really short or shaved looks macho and cool - especially if he's in nice physical condition - whereas any attempt at what the Japanese call Barcode Head looks sad.

May I seriously suggest that you talk to your doctor about getting some psychological help, though? Baldness isn't a real reason for withdrawing totally from society. I suspect that you're depressed, Unregistered, and you're focusing your depression on the hair thing.

There are, by the way, various things you can take to lessen hair loss - an Irish company called Lifes2Good sells remedies made from various marine sources that are supposed to be good, and an Israeli company sells Regaine, which works for as long as you take it.

But honestly, plenty of hair-free guys are attractive. Attraction is more to do with a sense of joyous health than anything else, imho.

oldboy

honestly !!

people sorry for your loss ?? you don't need sympathy you need a kick up the arse mate

so your entire personality and identity was all based around your hair ? and loosing it means that you've lost both and can never get them back because your hair is gone forever and your life is over

words cant describe how pathetic your post comes across to me, and anybody else i've shown it to

and not because you're depressed, but because you have let this effect you so badly

you dont have a terminal illness, you dont have a disability, you haven't got any sort of severe facial disfigurement or medical condition that has left you scarred

you're bald

jesus christ man, some people are tall, some are short, some are fat, some are thin, some are hairy, some are bald

are bald people lepers ? do they not succeed in life ? are they social outcasts ? bald people don't get jobs or score women ? every bald man lives in a cave of shame

YOUR HAIR (OR LACK OF) IS NOT THE PROBLEM.

YOUR LACK OF CONFIDENCE IS

because it must have been thin on the ground for you to let loosing your hair get to you like this

6 years ? not going out ? chopping off fingers and loosing height ?

ask somebody with a terminal illness or who can't walk how much they'd give to be able get up and go out and leave the house and socialize or do whatever ?? and you wont !!!!!!.................because of your hair ???????????????????????????????

you need to sort yourself out, you didnt loose your hair you lost 6 years because of your inability to accept it

you need help, and at this point you think if you got your hair back it would be like a magic wand and everything in your life would be grand i seriously doubt it !!! here ! you cant even handle hair loss, really sounds like you'd be good in a crisis or when somebody needs help ??? or able to deal with the other trials and tribulations life throws at you

FYI im 30 and have been bald since 19. Shaved my head and got on with my life, looked horrible but what can you honestly do about it ??????? for f@$% sake

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your hair loss.

But I tell ya - shave the lot off ...
The wimmins luv it ! The baldy head on top
reminds them of the (not so) little baldy !
Soft and silky to the touch.

Wibbs

While I agree with oldboy to some degree, it's hardly helpful to the guy if that's his particular bugbear. Everyone has one to some degree or other. I've heard tell of men and women whose lives have been turned upside down by social phobias by any other name that I nor anyone else would have even considered an issue. This one is his and he needs help.

Don't get me wrong I am firmly of the camp that says cop the hell on and grow a pair, but if this issue is the focus of a deeper seated issue that has left him cut off from life to this degree, IMHO it's going a lot deeper than being bereft in the testes dept. As I say I think the OP needs help, professional help to get over this social phobia of his. The more he withdraws the worse this will get. I agree with you oldboy, even if he got all his hair back tomorrow, he would find something else to increase this isolation. In which case it isn't the hair that's the issue. He needs to find out what it is.

O'Coonassa

Meh..I'm with oldboy. Get a wig if you're really that vain and self absorbed.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Thanks for your opinions. I can confirm that I was never the most confident or sociable of people begin with so to those who say the real issue may go deeper than just hair I can confirm that your opinion has validty. To elaborate, for as long as I can remember there has never been a time in my life when I wasn't probably self-concious or focusing on 'something' about my physical appearance. Maybe I was too skinny or maybe my nose wasn't right etc. However I can also confirm that I never in the past let any of those physical "bugbears" from my earlier life effect me to the extent that my hair loss has effected me. To those who suggest if I had my hair back I might start focusing on something else about my appearance I would say "yes, you're absolutely right" but at least I wouldn't be focusing on it from the inside my apartment on a Saturday night (as I am now). I'm certain of that

Now as to this issue of my self-imposed social isolation due to self-conciousness, truth be told no one in my work has ever made a comment (to my face anyway) about my hair and I could probably count on the 10 fingers (yes still the 10 oldboy ) of my hand the number of people who've made some comment about it to me public (eg in pub etc - pub club is always the place). So on the the surface it would seem to be no problem? However I put that low figure down to my having a general stand-offish personality where I deliberatly don't let people get into that comfortable position where they think that can start making comments about my appearance to begin with. I deliberately try not to get chummy with people cos I notice that's when they fell like letting loose about it.

Plus if someone makes some comment about my hair I don't react with either of the typical two responses of either "telling them to stfu" or "making a lighthearted joke / slagging contest out of it". I just kill the conversation there and that is it. The people who know me well know not to mention it in the first place and the people who don't know me well enough, ... well they don't really matter cos they usually never get another chance to meet me purely for that. So that's the basis for the minimal comments. I don't like getting them and I do what I can to avoid them.

This leads me onto the concept of the shave. I consider the hair to be part of my face. It frames my face and I have to look at it every day in the mirror. I could shave it off and maybe look better to other people but that's not really my primary concern or desire. I'm not really trying to attract people or gain acceptance from people. What I want is just to be able to look in the mirror or a photo of myself and be happy with myself and also not to be reminded (or potentially reminded) of it by other people. That's not going to happen even if I shave it all off (or even wore a wig - thanks!). In fact I'm guessing that if I shave it it will just lead to a floodgate "oh you're bald" comments because people will now presume it I've made it an acceptable topic of conversation. So why bother?

LegacyUser

If you are genuinely wealthy go to the States and get a hair transplant. The surgery involves removing the hair from the back of your head and inserting these follicles onto the balding area, these hairs will never fall out as they are permanent hairs. I'm sure $10-25,000 would get you a full head of hair.

The reason I advise going to the States is because that is where the best surgeons are, I wouldn't trust an Irish or UK surgery to carry out such a procedure as a bad transplant can be really obvious and could nearly be as bad as the actual hair loss itself.



http://www.alviarmanihairtransplants.com/picture-hair-transplant/#
http://www.forhair.com/gallery.htm

LegacyUser

Thanks for the links/suggestions scrotburn. I've looked into some of that stuff and it still seems a bit to much like "butchery" for me to get into. The results don't seem to be perfect either.

The thing that concerns me the most is I've noticed the promotitional material ubiquitously like to emphasise how BAD the technique was in the past rather than detailing how good (or otherwise) it is now. I find that a worrying slight of hand. Plus the technique still leaves physical scarring in the donor area so a tight haircut is never an option from that day on. I think a big perfectly horizontal scar running round the back of my head for life would freak me out more than what I've already got! :eek:

There are new techniques being developled that involve hair multiplication and no scarring and I think if anything I'll wait for them. The problem is they're still a good few years away.

therapy

I, as a fairly attractive young (ish) woman, find nothing more attractive than a bald/ing man. Honestly. Perhaps it's that whole 'bald men are more virile thing' but I truly take a second glance at every bald man I see. That's not to say that I find EVERY bald man attractive, but they certainly turn my head.

Having said that, and whilst trying to respect your own individuality and thoughts about your hair-loss, I have to agree with a previous poster when I say you need to cop on. I won't patronise you by saying there are people with real problems, who have lost limbs or facing death and that your problem is insignificant or not real to YOU, but I WILL say seriously OP, hairloss CAN become a positive in your life. You CAN live WITH it and choose to embrace it.

Your problem is not your baldness. It's more deep-rooted than that. I don't know what it is. Only you know that. But my guess is you have a deep rooted (perhaps from childhood) problem that you have chosen to portray as your baldness. This however, is more than likely a subconsious thought that something you feel you have control over. But you DO have control over it. You are choosing to allow baldness to control your life. And you can choose NOT to allow it ruin your life.

LegacyUser

OP, what you're going through sounds very like Body Dysmorphia. Please go get some counselling - it's very treatable. Don't waste any more years of your life cutting yourself off when you could be enjoying life. And as a woman - thinning/balding/baldness doesn't bother me at all and it can be very attractive.

LegacyUser

i m 25 and pretty much goin bald myself but i wouldnt let it ruin my life!! Happy enough to let nature take its course. Dont let it take over your life. Shave.

OP they were talking about people in your situation on the late late show the other week. Basically it was a suregon and a couple of his patients who suffered from hair loss. I was pretty amazed with the job he did on them being scepital myself about hair restoration. Anyway heres the link to the clip I think it might be well wprth your while to watch it.

http://www.rte.ie/tv/latelate/20090501.html

oldboy

Unregistered wrote: »

truth be told no one in my work has ever made a comment (to my face anyway) about my hair and I could probably count on the 10 fingers (yes still the 10 oldboy ) of my hand the number of people who've made some comment about it to me public (eg in pub etc - pub club is always the place)

Newsflash - nobody comments because they don't care, you're habitually transferring your own negative self image and thoughts onto other people, thinking that's what they think .......another newsflash - ITS NOT what they think

you can figure out and change your thinking patterns and learn to deal with them, but you need to be pointed in the right direction and realize thats where the root of the problem is

its not whats going on on top of your head, its whats going on inside it

Typewriter

OP you only live once, deal with it, shave it or Bill Bailey it!

Life is too short to be worrying what other people might think.

aare

Years ago, my gorgeous, sexy, Dublin 2, dentist had a sign on his wall:

"God only made so many perfect heads, the rest he covered in hair."

It worked for him...

But I am pretty sure you are going to need more than that. It sounds like body dysmorphia to me too...and while can be a significant problem, it's very treatable.

It's also interesting to me that you seem to have found the one thing that your privileged life will not let you control and fixated on it, and let it control you...you might like to give that some thought?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I've read up on Body Dysmorphic Disorder just now and it ticks pretty much every one of the boxes. I had always thought that was just about skinny girls who thought they were fat, but I guess I'm in the camp now too. As the cherry on top it appears I also have 'avoidant personality disorder' as well (again, nearly every box ticked) so it just gets better and better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

LegacyUser

Hey Unreg, have you talked with your Doctor about this? Maybe you should have your hormones checked out just to make sure you've no underlying thyroid issues going on...

LegacyUser

OP i feel terrible for you i dont care what some people have been saying to you about copping on, this issue is big for you and thats all that matters!! it def sounds like you need counselling not ridiculing for having this problem, i just hope that you do get some counselling because as much as you think your problem is based around your hairloss, i can promise you its not and counselling will help you face it. please talk to some one its your only option.

Butterfly baby

Hi OP

Register on these sites and chat to a few people

http://www.alopeciaonline.org.uk/index2.asp

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/

I'm not trying to say here that you have Alopecia but it may be beneficial to talk to others that have gone through the emotions you are going through (although in their case to a more extreme degree). You won't find a cure but you may find a way to accept what's happening (and accept yourself too) and move on to a happier place in your life where you won't see hair loss as the end of the world. I'm a member of both sites (yes I have alopecia) so if you want mail me and I'll tell you my user name on them and introduce you to a few of my friends that will be more than happy to offer you some support. It's not much but I think it may help you a bit to see how others coped with a crappy situation

LegacyUser

I can relate to you. I was probably 18 when I started losing mine. I was always self conscious kid growing up and I just couldn't deal with it. It happened to my brother and he is a gruff kind of guy and it didnt bother him. Everyone is built differently.

I didnt like being photographed etc. Couldnt really look at myself in a mirror. It ruined most of my 20s to be honest. I thought that no one would find me attractive but the reality was that I hate the hair loss so ultimately it was me who did find me attractive. I shaved the scraps off in my late twenties and have been much happier since. I'm 35 now and it doesnt really bother me anymore.


I do feel that I missed out on my 20s, but I am married with kids. You need to let the sh*t go. All this stuff about your hair being part of you and framing you face. If it gone or going then just get rid of the scraps - you wont look back.