Stillborn sister

LegacyUser

Im the oldest in the family but I had an older sister, 2 yrs older who died at birth. Sometimes I wonder about her.
My mother told me about this when I was young, around aged 10. I remember asking her what she named the child and she told me that she would have given her the same name as me. I dont know why this bothers me but it does. I am not close to my mother any way so i never made an issue out of this, she is not a person i would talk to about things. For some reason it is on my mind now that im older. But am i right to feel that she should of given the child her own name and given me my own name. I cant help but feel wierd about the whole thing. I know that in those days they just ignored babies who were stillborn, no buriel or anything. Sorry but I just need to get this off my chest.

bluecell99

I have heard of this before and it is not very unusual.It must have been very hard for your Mother to have a lost a baby in this way and the grieving process is difficult.Imagine how she must have been filled with fear and trepidation when you arrived and,even if you never felt it,must have been so happy and relieved that you were born healthy and lived.

I dont know why you are not close to your mother - thats your business.But peoplevary,we all have different personalities and go thru things differently from others.

One thing I do know is the aching and desperate loss when a parent dies and suffers and I always try to encourage people to accept themselves and their folks and make room in your heart when you still have them.

The same happened to my mum before I was born, it's more common than you'd realise. It's strange because I'm the oldest child but I've never felt like the oldest. I always wanted an older brother or sister to the extent that I made one up when I was in primary school. It's probably just a coincidence, but I was quite spooked out when I was told there WAS another child before me.

star-pants

Both great posts above there.

I don't have personal experience but I can only imagine the heartbreak and loss your parents felt at the loss of your stillborn sister.
I do understand how you feel perhaps you should have had your own name, you feel like she's merged you two when ye should be separate. Maybe she did a little, maybe she put that extra love and need into you that she couldn't with the stillborn. You were the daughter that did live.
On the other hand maybe she didn't want to name her stillborn, that might have made it harder for her to get over. But she felt the name was important, and saved it for you.

It must be hard knowing that your mother missed out on an older sister (for you) and maybe you feel less special because she gave you that name. But I think maybe you're more special because she did. I know you say you aren't close and can't talk about things like this, but I'm sure she does have all the love in the world for you and wanted you to have the name she cherished.

Nervous Wreck

^^Another great post.


OP, I understand your feelings on it. Maybe you feel a little less special to your mother because your name was originally meant for someone else... But I don't think that should be the case. I actually think it's really sweet. You had an older sister that you never got to meet and that's really sad... But your name can be your reminder that you did have a sibling and that you would have loved her so much. It really sounds like your mother was attempting to take all the love she would have had to her first born daughter and pass it on to you. You got named after your big sister. I can't imagine a greater way to remember. It's an amazing gift. To you and her.

LegacyUser

If it helps, why don't you try to think of yourself as your older sister? As you say your mum was going to give her the name you have now - almost stands to reason perhaps you are just the living Second Lease she got on life? Groundhog Day for Babies! You weren't ready to be born so you just left that time, to wait a while more.

Dizzyblonde

OP my mother's first baby, a boy, was stillborn. When she had my older brother a couple of years later she gave him the same name so I think it must be very common.
It doesn't mean your parents were too lazy to think of a new name for you, or that they didn't care. It probably just means that they had a particular name in mind if they had a daughter. It can be difficult picking the right name for a baby and all sorts of things factor into the decision.
If I were you I'd try not to get too hung up on it.
By the way, stillborn babies may not have had a funeral then but they did have a burial. Here on the northside of Dublin stillborn babies were buried in the Angels' Plot in Glasnevin Cemetary.
It was renovated a couple of years ago and they have records of all the babies buried there.

LegacyUser

Lovely posts above folks. I too am the next child born after a first baby who died shortly after birth - I have her name as my middle name, but I think I too would feel a bit odd if I had been given the same Christian name. You feel like she didn't really exist for your parents, you're the replacement, all very confusing thoughts.

Not to blame your parents but I think in such situations the older someone is when they find out, the more difficult it is to deal with - I don't remember being told about my sister, I just grew up knowing. So I guess if you were 10 and you don't have the relationship with your mother that you can find out the details, it makes for a sort of unfinished tale. I know this is not helping you solve anything, just trying to let you know that your feelings are perfectly understandable.

However what I do know is that the courage that it must have taken for your parents to try for another baby, and as said above, the fear waiting for the birth, must have been immense. You are the replacement - and what a fantastic one! You're their blessing, the one person to end a couple of years of heartache and wondering and blaming and fearing. And you were given the same name because that was the name they chose for their first child, which you are really, the first one whose personality has shone through, who they've got to enjoy growing up. I'm sure your parents worship you even if they're not the demonstrative sort!

Maybe you could ask another relative or family friend the details of her birth, and where she's buried if you think that'd complete the picture for you? Or maybe your mother would be only too pleased to talk to you herself, she might just surprise you. Hope you feel better soon, it sounds like it's not an uncommon tale so you're not alone!

LegacyUser

I also have an older sister who was stillborn and given the name that was originally chosen for my older sister.
I always knew that my mum had a first baby who died days before her due date and was stillborn. However, my mum was not allowed to see her baby as it was 1977 and she said they whisked the baby away and nurses told her the baby's skin was soft (the baby was delivered naturally 4-5 days after she died). The hospital arranged the burial and my parents never named or attended the burial or funeral service.

I feel weird too. I feel like I know there is a missing member of the family even though I was not there at the time. Having her name is an honour in one way but I also feel that it shows I was the replacement child. I was conceived 5 months afterwards. I have tried thinking that maybe I am the same spirit as the first child but that doesn't feel right. I feel that it has really troubled me too and that I it has rocked my sense of identity and self.

At the same time, I feel so heavy for my mother. I can't imagine how traumatic and difficult the entire experience was for them to expect their first child, have the nursery set up and get to the end of pregnancy to then have to deliver a baby they know died at 39 weeks. I do not blame her for giving me the same name because I understand the environment she was in was to deny that it ever happened (ie doctors who wouldn't allow her to see her baby or see a photo or go to burial). However, I do feel disturbed by it too.

I have found the grave site and planning to go. I have asked my Mum to come with me but she is scared to go. She said that when she went to visit her mother's grave she got cancer shortly after that. My older sister has never been visited or named. I feel like she was abandoned by her own parents and that is what I think I struggle with. That deep down, I know that I have to replace that void and that I can never take back what has happened. In some ways it explains so much in my life and strings things together. Why my mother was so overly protective and anxious when I was growing up, why I always felt the need to be perfectionist all the time and never good enough. Unlike my older sibling, I was born by emergency caesarian and my mothers lungs collapsed and she was very ill for days and needed 9 pints of blood transfused so I never felt I bonded with her. I knew I was different to my younger sister but just thought it was personality. It helps understanding the context of where it was coming from. Although I wish she would go her baby's grave with me so she can acknowledge the place of her baby as another member of the family so I can feel that I am my own individual person and that it would relieve so much pressure from me. I understand my parents did the best they could with the resources they had but connecting with my lost sibling is healing for me, even though I did not exist at the time and it is a strange feeling to describe but I feel as if a warm coat has been wrapped around me and that by me acknowledging what happened I can heal.

Life is a mystery but knowing I have an older sibling even though we have never met I feel like I am not so alone anymore. It might also explain why I have always been indecisive, insecure and anxious by nature.

I can completely understand where you are coming from and I don't know the perfect answer myself but I am glad there are other people like me out there

Oryx

I dont think that anyone with an older sibling that died should consider themselves a replacement child. Anyone Ive ever spoken to who lost a child feels that the lost baby had its own identity and memory, and is irreplaceable. So subsequent children dont replace it, they are the next part of the family. Years ago a stillborn child was not acknowledged, women were expected to just go home and try again, as if the lost child had never been. So the passing on of a cherished name could be a way of acknowledging the child and keeping its memory within the family, a way of showing they existed and were loved.

I would see the name as a way of keeping the lost child as part of the family not as a replacement but as mentioned above, as an honour. Both of my children carry the names of their grandparents as a similar way of carrying on family ties, but thats not seen as a morbid thing to do. I think carrying a siblings name should be seen in the same way.

I remember looking up our family tree, and being very surprised to find that two children in the same family carried the same name. The first child had died aged 8 and the next child born of the same sex was given their name. Its something we are quite squeamish or superstitious about nowadays, but it used to be a common thing.

IrishEyes19

I agree with everyone else here, OP, and the important thing is, OP, is that can you imagine the absolute joy and pride when the doctor handed you into your mothers arms and told her she had a healthy baby. Thats what matters here, not a name. A name is just a name.

stinkle

As a lot of posters have already said, I think it reflects the attitude of previous generation, where stillborn babies might not have even been held by their mothers. If that happened to me I'd probably feel like I didn't "own" the baby, let alone be able to name him or her, especially since the hospitals pretty much took over in those sad occasions. It's very different now.

I can imagine naming you after your sister was to honour her memory, if anything it seems quite healthy actually, as it must have been a tough reminder at the same time for your parents. I'm named after my grandfather, but before I was ever born my uncle named his son after him. Unfortunately the baby died, and so I was named after both of them (I'm a girl, got the female version!), but my parents did check with my uncle and his wife first and they were honoured. I only heard the story of my mum asking for their blessing re: my name recently, and since then I feel a special connection with my uncle and aunt for being so nice about it